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Jerry

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About Jerry

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    The classy Captain Furfag

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    Fox thing

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  1. Meh, people will grow TIREd of this concept eventually. Oops.
  2. I'm also in the "hard-G-as-in-Graphic" group. But I don't spell the letters of GIF one-by-one, because I always hear "G.i. Joe" in my head when I do it.
  3. Hopefully the toilet will be left alone in this madness. LOL toilet hackers. "Flush.exe has stopped working"
  4. Well, it really wasn't a job meant for me. My weaknesses showed up badly. If I only had two words to describe the entire experience (tech school + all jobs), they'd be "overwhelming" and "stressful". So many things can go wrong in this industry, even with all the training and knowledge available. And it can often start with the small details I tend to forget VERY often. Just to give one example of a particularly expensive mistake that one of our teachers witnessed at his other job at a dealership: The initial context was a 10-minute job, on a CAT 3406 engine. There's a small oil line that feeds the air compressor's crankshaft bearings, which needed to be replaced. No biggie, again, 10 minutes (plus a trip to the local hydraulic shop) and it's done, truck's good to go. The guy takes the hose to the local hydraulic shop and gets a new one made, then gets back to the shop and installs it. But there was something. By the worst of lucks, one of the fittings had a manufacturing defect and wasn't drilled inside. Functionally it was a plug. Neither the person at the hydraulic shop nor the one who installed the hose even noticed it. Consequently the air compressor on the engine was no longer fed any oil. The driver didn't go very far, before long the compressor destroyed itself. More precisely the connecting rods broke and blocked the crankshaft, but that's just the beginning. On a CAT 3406, as on most diesel engines, the air compressor is directly driven by the gear train. Even if the compressor blocks completely, you've still got a 500+ HP crankshaft going in the engine block. Needless to say the entire gear train was wrecked, and a complete engine overhaul was required. That's just one example. I did make mistakes myself, thankfully they didn't cost nearly as much, (still easily in the 4-digit range though), but the last one at school could potentially have cost quite a bit. I was changing an injector on a Detroit series 60 and as part of the procedure you need to manually rotate the engine. I was using a 1 inch ratchet directly inserted into a square hole of the same size in the crankshaft damper. When I was done and ready to do a test run, I didn't remember I had a ratchet still connected to the damper. Thankfully the ratchet was set counter-clockwise (same direction as the engine) so it drove itself out. And I won't even talk about the joys of troubleshooting a cluster of black boxes (i.e. electronic modules). Long story short, detail-oriented people will thrive in those conditions. But I'm not one of them. Both detail-intensive and overly structured environments push me to exhaustion very quickly.
  5. Took a little break from forums for almost two weeks to do a little more introspection. Just to make things perfectly clear, I don't actually want to dive head first into anything, hence the "if I were only to follow my heart" part in my OP. There are other things to factor in. I mentioned animation but there really are many creative projects that sound very interesting to me. But truth be told I did dive head first into "safe" career paths only to fail miserably. I might as well grab the first minimum wage job I can find and be done with it. That'll be less hassle. It sure sucks being cursed with the "jack-of-all-trades" syndrome. I can't help but see it as a terrible handicap. We live in a world a productivity and competitiveness where one needs to stick to one thing if they want to gain the skills necessary to be up to par out there. I tried this all my life but there's always the same obstacle in front of me. This other thing that's also interesting, and that one more thing next to it, and so on. Focusing on only one of them means I won't have enough energy left for the others and it's always blocking me. Or maybe it's the lack of goal in my life that's causing this blockage, I'm not even sure anymore. It's really making my life feel empty. Otherwise I'm fine, no depression, no suicidal thoughts, just a strong feeling of emptiness.
  6. My insecure self keeps screaming I'll just bother people with my crap. But fuck, I don't care anymore. It's gotta get out. I'm stuck. Stuck in a shell I locked and threw out the key of... All aspects of my life, social, personal, professional, are seized up. Back in September when I had just left my freshly obtained job as a diesel mechanic I wanted to give myself a few months to think everything through. We're well into February and I couldn't manage to move a single INCH. If I were only to listen to my heart, I would start making YouTube videos for a living, probably animations, like theodd1sout or Domics do. I like the idea, you get to do a little bit of everything, it's creative and very easy to make meaningful. And I'm far from running out of ideas. But I have a hard time believing I can make it work. At the end of the day, as long as my occupation generates a LIVEABLE income, that's fine by me, even if it's low. But still, I always doubt myself... TL;DR: I don't believe in my creative potential but can't abandon it and indulge in the daily grind.
  7. I'm pretty sure a lot of people look for that kind of relationship. I'm the first to say that a true connection is vital, and it's the catalyst of the relationship. Everything is so much more intense when the love is deep and meaningful.
  8. I failed to get to know myself "on time". I can't help but feel I missed the train in a way, even though it's not too late per se. I'm 23 and at exactly the point I was at 16, i.e. having SHIT-ALL idea what to do with my life, but with the added observation that the typical career-orientated job is not meant for me. And I'm not even going to talk about getting into a first relationship. It's tempting but I'm completely clueless on how to do it.
  9. Well I sincerely hope things are going to get better eventually @Fossa-Boy
  10. Felt like having a new avatar. Wanted to change my profile pic on dA too, so I drew a little something. I keep getting faster, which is great! This took 90 minutes, from the first pencil stroke to finish.
  11. It's gotta be a troll. Someone can't be THAT stupid, can they?
  12. This sounds scary as hell... I'd freak the fuck out if I started losing my consciousness in such a way
  13. I would really like to eventually, maybe even this year. I may start with the hat if I can find some material like felt in the proper shade of purple.
  14. It's great to see people who don't buy into this whole gender role thing. I don't either. Or more precisely, it never was meant for me. Which is probably why I don't feel (nor do I truly understand, for that matter) the pressure to claim, earn and fight to keep a status of "masculinity". As twisted as it may sound, it's by creating and refining my fursona over time that I can figure out what works for me. With a mix of elegance and androgyny I really seem to be on to something. As part of some cosplay activity it sounds super appealing. Yeah it sucked. Such was school for me. It's been almost 7 years since I graduated, now that I think about it. Before long it'll be 10... >_< I will, that's for sure. At the very least just to let him know I wasn't aware of what was going on. As far as relationship goes, I had such an intellectual connection with him, but on my side it was just platonic. I wouldn't necessarily be opposed to getting back in touch with him as friends though. Yeah I like many guy things, but without the ridiculous hyper-competitiveness that often come with them. I like to build things too, on my own. I still totally see myself fitting a car drivetrain into a dune-buggy, or turn a 10-wheeler into a pull truck. But working on vehicles everyday was not for me, too hard but especially too unnatural to perform properly in the industry. Creativity comes more naturally to me so I'll do myself a favour by taking this path instead. BTW your sig cracks me up everytime. "Weeeeeeeeeeee-OOF!"
  15. As part of my wonderful quest for self-discovery, I read about a wide array of sociological subjects, and one of them is particularly interesting. It's this theory called the "precarious manhood". In short it describes how the status of a "real man" is earned by achievements and can be easily revoked at the slightest faux-pas, sometimes irreversibly, whereas women simply get to BE woman, by their innate attributes. I'm not going to write an entire essay on the subject, as there's a lot of generalization and the reality is probably much more nuanced. But the general idea still sounds spot on. Say the 3ft-long grocery list of things one is supposed to succeed at if he wants to be granted the "real man" status. I'm sure tons of men play the game with no second thought, and probably succeed at least partly in the process. .However from MY perspective, which is one of an impossibly handicapped guy in that respect, I can't help but being struck by how incredibly burdening it'd feel if I even just TRIED. That's insane. And even then, now that I'm a full-grown adult, when I remember my years in school, things start to fall in their own place. At long last, I'm figuring out why I was an outcast, and especially why my situation went from harsh, but somewhat reversible (had I known what to do), to one that's relatively less hostile, but much more immutable. I feel stupid for not noticing it, but one other thing took place at that very moment: my classmates were getting into their first relationships, interest in the opposite sex was kicking in, except for me, Most likely it screamed GAY, and sealed my fate. That explains so much. Why guys started avoiding me from that moment on. Why out of three gay guys I knew in person, ALL three showed interest in getting in a relationship with me. Why at the time not a single girl showed even an ounce of interest. Something must've changed the game. Those guys were most likely told they had a chance. "Go on! He's gay, everybody knows it!" (Turns out it's true, after all. Talk about being oblivious, I was radiating rainbows without even being aware of it LOL). I still remember very clearly how those three gay guys let me know they were attracted to me, each in his own way. It still makes me cringe thinking about it, but I reacted very femininely to their indirect proposal. If anything, it probably exposed my natural self, And it's indeed after the first occurrence (at 13) that things quickly changed. My friends started avoiding me, one after the other. Before long a second guy was getting friendly with me. I was like "Cool! A new friend!". This friendship had an intellectual connection that I liked. At some point he started to express his frustration over how we weren't seeing each other often enough. I ended up cutting ties with him thinking he was just an overly social guy. But now I realize he actually had a crush on me, and I'm getting the impression I might've really hurt him... It didn't end in a hostile way but the last message he sent me clearly implied he was giving up. It's in my resolutions this year to contact him and discuss a bit with him about all this. The 3rd guy was really annoying. At first bitchy but then got quite a bit more serious in his approach. One day in art class he literally sat at the desk in front of me and went into date-mode! He very seriously told me: "Tell me more about you." Needless to say I was confused but especially very uncomfortable, knowing that an entire classroom was witnessing an improvised date between me and "the gay guy", or should I say "the OTHER gay guy". I was 15 at that point. Curiously enough it was very soon after this that my few remaining friends started getting harassed, then avoiding me in a complete 180-turn. I saw 2 lifelong and 2 very longtime friendships being ruined almost at once. It's all clear now. Over the course of 4 years I've been permanently labelled "pussy" and "fag", and gossiping being what it is, the word spread, further cementing my situation. Which brings me back to this notion of a "real man" status. Decidedly I've always been so feminine (that is, in mannerisms, attitude, interests, but also physically later on) that it was game over from the start. Until last year it was gradually making me sink into depression. Not quite close, but still on the way to. I simply couldn't imagine how on earth I would manage to "fake it till I make it" to such an extent, in order to at least be somewhat in the game. But now there's a new factor. Not only am I gay, but one enormous homo who likely won't resist to the really masculine ones. Y'know, muscles, V-taper and all. It is said with this "manhood" thing that it's really difficult for an homosexual guy to access this quasi-sacred status of "real man", and the feminine ones really are the absolute lowest class.and shouldn't even hope getting close to deserving that status. My past experience definitely confirms this. But at the same time I've witnessed most guys incessantly defending their manhood status through competitions of all sorts, and how painful it must be when it's compromised, even just temporarily. Their situation looked much more pressuring than mine. I was reminded that my label was "pussy", by mockery and rejection, especially in guy-dominated contexts like sports, but otherwise I was mostly left alone, and definitely not pressured into getting in the "manhood" game, nor did I ever FEEL the need to engage in it. I wonder if this can be transposed into adulthood, albeit nuancedly. And in such a case, if my femininity as a gay man is a curse, a blessing, or a liberation. I wanted this short. But there you go, another nerd essay.
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