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warning ahead of time, this probably gets more and more incoherent as it goes along because i'm about to be late for work or something :^) don't read if you don't like jumbled depression garbage. my whole existence is a big, hi-larious joke. it's just been one thing after another, some weird mix of snowballing into a huge clusterfuck of issues and being stuck, unchanging, stagnating while all those issues just fester and rot me from the inside out while i'm unable to do anything about them. what the hell do i even do? every time i think things are changing for the better, everything comes to a screeching halt and instead of getting better, they just get worse again. because that's what i need, to add another stupid problem on every time i take a step, never mind the fact that i can't tell whether i'm stepping forwards or backwards. because it's probably neither; at this rate, i'm just running in place and making myself sick. the best and funniest part of all, though, is seeing things i never had a chance to get being given away freely to people around me. seeing a younger sibling get things that will set her up for independence in the future, from the same people who laughed at the very idea of giving those things to me when i was her age. and i'm damn glad she gets those things, don't get me wrong, but how the hell do you expect me to congratulate her when i'm fucking shaking over here remembering what happened when i tried the same shit over ten years ago? when your sixteen year old sibling is doing better than you are and you're only getting closer and closer to 30, something's very wrong. and everyone around you knows it and will take any opportunity to rub it in; they're never going to let you forget it. i think i really am about to just give up. i don't know what that means yet, but i feel less and less like what i'm doing is worth anything. every day i wonder why the hell i'm here, why i'm bothering, what i'm working so hard for when nothing ever changes anyway. and that's just it: nothing. it's all for nothing. nothing is ever going to change if i stay here and try to work hard in the conventional way, because i don't have the conventional background to make it work. i don't have support from peers and family members. i don't have experience or money. i don't have an ounce of charm or talent in my broken, worthless body. so why am i trying to do the things people who have all of that do? i think it's time i accept the fact that i'm not a real person, never have been, and probably never will be, so i should stop trying so hard to play like one. just go for a walk one day and never come back, find my own way, do shit the "unconventional" way because apparently i'm just so gosh-darned "unique" and "unconventional" and SPECIAL!! all bullshit code for broken and abnormal and incapable of functioning like a proper human being, of course, but hey, you have your own special talents! except those are more like hobbies that you're not actually very good at, that you couldn't make a living off of, that you constantly hear mixed messages about: oh you're so good at this you should do X for a living i don't know why you're wasting your talent doing things that are beneath you when you could be doing something with what god gave you, vs this is so childish and stupid it's not a real job and you're not good enough to make money off of it, you need to find a more realistic path to follow. what the hell path is there for me? i don't fit in anywhere. i'm not good at anything. my dreams are stupid. i'm stupid. i think i'd be better off just living alone in the damn woods or something, but hey, i've also got medical problems and chronic loneliness. i'd die in a week. but i guess that's just what i'm destined for anyway.