Search the Community

Personal life threads, unless theyre lighthearted or not too deep are something I tend to avoid and/or use sparingly. I like using these forums for general discussion but heck if I ever draw too much attention to myself like a whore over personal drama, and dont particpate otherwise (Hell if I become the next Crystal or Eversleep) But I feel bad, kinda bad actually. Same things as usual but things are heading back to somewhere where I have another potentially stressful situation to look forward to and hope for the best. I kind of want to keep it vague to protect the identities of numerous individuals, friends and people that I know on and off this site. Its kinda cringey that they may be guessable but I guess thats only if you look too deeply into it and I need to speak about it someway, somehow, even just to throw things out there I do have a schedule to keep amongst personal concerns so I have to get this out of the way so I can move on with life's important chores and focuses So alas, here's to a vent on numerous introspective concerns Im worried that Im going to be hated or despised or hurt certain people because they lost favor with me over time based on events, and in a way I opened up to new people where things work better, more cooperative, and less one-sided. But I still feel in the wrong, a terrible person even, because I feel like I betrayed or hurt those in my past with these new ones in my life, or that they would think so at least. I also hate that its always hard to share aspects of myself regardless, things I like that others never will. It feels like if I did I always would get shot down, or meh, or looked down on. So I close off and tend to be passive, and I let others open up and show me things and do what they want with them instead. One of the things I guess I should work on is being assertive...but Im just not. I also can only focus on one or a few people at a time...that leaves everyone else to fall away into the background. And its frustrating because I never stopped disliking them, its just so hard to keep up. I also have another friend who Ive let down...awkwardly so. Its always under the guise that Im busy but in the end its because I dont know how to tell them Im tired of our normal, jaded routine. Something we started as simply a silly pastime or bonding activity turned into something too serious and demanding of intention, and its exhausting. Now everytime we speak its always to bring up the one or the other, and for me to casually avoid it somehow. I should do other things with them too like watch movies and such but it always comes back to that I dont know why...maybe its because Im too changeable, it must be me. I hate that. I hate that things change too quickly. I wish they could stay static, be as it were as long as forever could possibly feel in a strict timeline. But every time, it always happen. Something or someone I once enjoyed in my life always falls through and all Im left with is vague, hazy memories of what I liked about it, but trying to reclaim it never works. I hate dissappointing people that have cared about me...its not like I had many to begin with, so why have I failed the few that did? I often regret opening up to people only to inevitably lose them to my own folly, wouldnt it have been better to be alone, stick to myself and only myself? As long as I have myself, I cant dissapoint me as much as I can others. If only social norms didnt dictate I shouldnt be so self-centric ...also my addictive tendencies such as sex and mass amounts of sugar are getting to me and I feel guilty and sick about it but the cause of that may just be a mix of puberty and freedom and hopefully that might come to pass soon