Well I'm Fucked

[PastryOfApathy]

So this is one of those "me bitching about personal shit on one cares about" things so y'know.

Anywho, I went to a follow-up appointment at some lgbt clinic to get prescribed hormones, since this forum didn't have enough trannies in it or something I don't fucking know. So after checking in, paying the 20-something bucks and trying not stare at people I was called and waited some more since this is some of the hypest most exciting shit. Also I was kinda anxious and nervous waiting for a potentially life-changing moment or something but that shit's unimportant.

So we talked about shit, they brought in another guy whose like head of the program or something and they started asking a bunch of questions, mostly if I belonged to any "support or trans skype groups or talked to any trans people" and things like that. Like a dumbfuck, I lied and said no,since I have a thing where I'm insanely hesitant to talk about my personal/internet life in any capacity in real-life and I'm sure as hell not explaining my relationship with FAF.

As a result they claimed that "I didn't have the emotional support necessary" and I couldn't take anything yet and told me that they were going to contact my psychiatrist (who I love btw...platonically) to help work things out. I talked to my psychiatrist a month later and she said that they never answer there phone and she can't get in contact with them since well, they never use their fucking phone. Fast forward about a month and a half later and I see her again (not hearing anything from the clinic this whole time) and she says that she finally managed to talk to them and they convinced her that she didn't have the qualifications or some horseshit to help me anymore and that I need to get my medication through them from now on.

I left a message and sent an email since I'm now literally on a fucking clock since I only have so many pills left and almost 3 weeks later I've received absolutely nothing. They deprive me of my psychiatrist/the only way to get the medication I need, feed me bullshit about how I'm not ready despite dealing with this shit for almost 4 fucking years, and now they don't want to actually fucking talk to me. Everyone said these places are the best, but they've done nothing but fuck me at literally every turn, and now I'm fucked.

I just wanna be not fucking miserable for once, why the jesusing fuck is that so difficult? I know it might not really come off like that here, since it's honestly the only place I ever feel truly comfortable and allowed to be myself which helps. But I've never been happy, like really not happy. Despite chugging lord knows how many fucking pills, I still find myself randomly tearing up without even noticing and just flat-out contemplating uh bad things. And I have to lie through my fucking teeth everyday when anyone asks how thing's are going because I can't let anyone fucking know, and you just hold it in.and shit it out kinda like this jumbled self-loathing word salad of a rant.

fuck

 

[DrGravitas]

I have no idea what it's like to go through what you're going through, but I wish you all the best.

The only suggestion I can make would be to return to clinic in person to get answers. At the very least they should be able to tell you the best means of contacting them. Barring that, consider asking your psychiatrist for suggestions of more reliable clinics.

[Derin Darkpaw]

That is the fucking worst.  I am legitimately crying here and it isn't even happening to me.  I don't know if I could go through what you have been through and last as long as you have.  You are still here after coming this far and I believe you are a stronger person then you probably think you are.  Whatever does happen I think you will get through this.  I wish I could offer more practical help/advice, but having never experienced anything like this I am unfortunately ill equipped to offer assistance.

[AshleyAshes]

Huh, I didn't know you were trans.

[Kellie Gator]

This sounds exactly like me 3-4 years ago. .____.

I wish I had proper help for you but since you're in a different system than me (the US, I think?) I might only be able to offer emotional support.

What worked for me was stubbornness, persistence. Which can be hard with depression since I have it, too. But you gotta think of the end result and just be a pain in the ass and make them know you really mean it when you say you're a woman and that you deserve the treatments you need.

Fuck me, I wish I had more knowledge and resources to help you. I don't know you too well but I really feel for you and I hate to see this happen to you 'cause I've been in the same spot despite being in one of the most trans-friendly places in the world.

I hope people from here or maybe somewhere else who knows how the system works at your place can help you out. You deserve it. <3

(also, pills are not the best type of hormones to take but I dunno if you'll be offered alternatives where you live. from personal experience I can say that injections are better once you overcome the fear of needles)

Edited November 1, 2015 by Kellie Gator

[Vallium]

...ahh, this rant got major depressing towards the end.i offer condolences and whatever e-related formsof affections can be comfortable based on acquaintence-ship level.

Anyways, if theyre giving you issues over nothaving a support group, wouldnt a solution be to tell the truth that you do have one and that you were hesitant because of the reason you told us? You could even provide evidence like some horribly awkward furry related garbage conversations you directly become a part of...I mean, you can sell your pride and dignity to get what you need, right? :V

...hopefully thats not an innapropriate joke. I wish you well.

[Brass]

I'll be your support group senpai.

[Vae]

They require you to have a support group for hormones that you're paying for, anyway?
The fuck kind of parenting bullshit is this?

I know what you mean by the last part, though. Depression is pure dogshit to deal with on a consistent basis, especially if the solutions don't actually work (or work to the extent you need).
I hope things get better for you.

[Kellie Gator]

They require you to have a support group for hormones that you're paying for, anyway?
The fuck kind of parenting bullshit is this?

I know what you mean by the last part, though. Depression is pure dogshit to deal with on a consistent basis, especially if the solutions don't actually work (or work to the extent you need).
I hope things get better for you.

Unfortunately a lot of transgender healthcare is based around the idea that you need a network of people to support you to make you're not just being crazy or whatever.

idfk, it makes no sense and ultimately I managed to get things my way despite my parents and shit. I think it's because I became more active in being openly female. The more open you are, the more likely doctors will be on your side.

It kinda sucks that it has to be that way but there you go.

[PastryOfApathy]

Sorry for taking a bit to answer shit, I've been kinda reluctant to actually look at my own thread. Go figure.

I have no idea what it's like to go through what you're going through, but I wish you all the best.

The only suggestion I can make would be to return to clinic in person to get answers. At the very least they should be able to tell you the best means of contacting them. Barring that, consider asking your psychiatrist for suggestions of more reliable clinics.

It's hard to actually get there since it takes like 2-ish hours to get there since it's all the way in Boston and public transport is shit. Also I'm going to be stupid busy this week with work so it's not feasible until at least 2 weeks which is more than I can wait.

That is the fucking worst.  I am legitimately crying here and it isn't even happening to me.  I don't know if I could go through what you have been through and last as long as you have.  You are still here after coming this far and I believe you are a stronger person then you probably think you are.  Whatever does happen I think you will get through this.  I wish I could offer more practical help/advice, but having never experienced anything like this I am unfortunately ill equipped to offer assistance.

Don't worry, since honestly encouragement in itself is good enough.

Huh, I didn't know you were trans.

I try not to bring it up too much. In my experience it just makes shit awkward, and makes people scared to talk to you in fear of offending you somehow. I could go on but that shit's a rant in itself.

This sounds exactly like me 3-4 years ago. .____.

I wish I had proper help for you but since you're in a different system than me (the US, I think?) I might only be able to offer emotional support.

What worked for me was stubbornness, persistence. Which can be hard with depression since I have it, too. But you gotta think of the end result and just be a pain in the ass and make them know you really mean it when you say you're a woman and that you deserve the treatments you need.

Fuck me, I wish I had more knowledge and resources to help you. I don't know you too well but I really feel for you and I hate to see this happen to you 'cause I've been in the same spot despite being in one of the most trans-friendly places in the world.

I hope people from here or maybe somewhere else who knows how the system works at your place can help you out. You deserve it. <3

(also, pills are not the best type of hormones to take but I dunno if you'll be offered alternatives where you live. from personal experience I can say that injections are better once you overcome the fear of needles)

Yeah it's the US. It's an informed consent clinic (as in you sign a form acknowledging side-effects, risks, etc.) and you you get prescribed assuming you're not a mental patient, which as I've been told is super easy. Lying sacks of shit.

I'm probably gonna try and pester them a bunch tomorrow during my lunch break and hopefully I can get some fucking answers. Seriously they said "oh don't worry you should be all set by mid-October" and now they pull this shit.

...ahh, this rant got major depressing towards the end.i offer condolences and whatever e-related formsof affections can be comfortable based on acquaintence-ship level.

Anyways, if theyre giving you issues over nothaving a support group, wouldnt a solution be to tell the truth that you do have one and that you were hesitant because of the reason you told us? You could even provide evidence like some horribly awkward furry related garbage conversations you directly become a part of...I mean, you can sell your pride and dignity to get what you need, right? :V

...hopefully thats not an innapropriate joke. I wish you well.

At this point I'm ready and willing to lie my ass off. I'm just gonna say I was "inspired" to seek out a Skype group and have been talking to people on some shitty subreddit since I highly doubt they'll seriously look into it.

Don't worry about jokes though, you should know I'm not that type of person by now. c;

I'll be your support group senpai.

o bby wuts ur flist :3c

They require you to have a support group for hormones that you're paying for, anyway?
The fuck kind of parenting bullshit is this?

I know what you mean by the last part, though. Depression is pure dogshit to deal with on a consistent basis, especially if the solutions don't actually work (or work to the extent you need).
I hope things get better for you.

I know, I seriously couldn't believe that shit. I even straight up told them I'd be fine since I've never really been open with people but they just kept saying "you don't understand the emotional stuff you'll experience and you need other people" until they just said I wasn't ready or some horseshit.

Things can only go up right? Fuck.

 

[#00Buck]

Just imagine what it was like before pills existed.

[Clove Darkwave]

I guess you could threaten to start self-medding if they continue to gate you like this, that might snap their attention to. Or it might make it worse, I dunno.

Your biggest mistake was lying to them about knowing other trans people to talk to, don't do that. Remember they're there to help you not judge you. That's not always the case but assume until proven otherwise is the best strategy. If you can't trust people, at least go with the best logical strategy.

If all else fails, you can buy what you need online. I hear InHousePharmacy or something or another is a good option. Try checking /lgbt/ on 4chins, you'd be surprised how much helpful info there is.

[Kellie Gator]

I guess you could threaten to start self-medding if they continue to gate you like this, that might snap their attention to. Or it might make it worse, I dunno.

Your biggest mistake was lying to them about knowing other trans people to talk to, don't do that. Remember they're there to help you not judge you. That's not always the case but assume until proven otherwise is the best strategy. If you can't trust people, at least go with the best logical strategy.

If all else fails, you can buy what you need online. I hear InHousePharmacy or something or another is a good option. Try checking /lgbt/ on 4chins, you'd be surprised how much helpful info there is.

I would strongly, strongly advise against self-medication because I hear there are risks but I suppose it might work to threaten 'em, yeah.

...maybe. I can't speak from experience here, I've never self-medicated. There are ups and down there, it's safer to get that shit prescribed, MUCH safer, but it could also be more difficult. I had to wait two years until I finally got hormones prescribed to me.

Edited November 2, 2015 by Kellie Gator

[Butters]

Like a dumbfuck, I lied and said no,since I have a thing where I'm insanely hesitant to talk about my personal/internet life in any capacity in real-life and I'm sure as hell not explaining my relationship with FAF.

As a result they claimed that "I didn't have the emotional support necessary" and I couldn't take anything yet

I just wanna be not fucking miserable for once,

 

theres a lesson there, if you are wise enough to see it. 

[Kellie Gator]

theres a lesson there, if you are wise enough to see it. 

Is there really? I mean, lying was obviously a bad idea but the idea that you, as a trans person, don't deserve the necessary medical treatments because you don't have a group of people to support you is fucking retarded.

Like I said earlier, I was often told the same shit when I tried to convince doctors I was trans and deserved hormones, and I didn't even lie in the first place.

Let's face it, transgender health care is archaic and retarded in most parts of the world. Some places like Denmark and Argentina are learning but we still have a long way to go.

I wouldn't blame this whole thing on Pastry.

[AshleyAshes]

Is there really? I mean, lying was obviously a bad idea but the idea that you, as a trans person, don't deserve the necessary medical treatments because you don't have a group of people to support you is fucking retarded.

Can only agree with this one.  Though them strongly suggesting someone GAIN some sort of support system is perfectly reasonably, it shouldn't be a requirement. ...Though yeah, someone really, really should have one.

[Fantasma]

This is scary to hear, considering I myself am going for hormones soonish.

Pastry, girl, I heard online pills can have health effects that are... Undesirable. I would look them up.

Unless you live in a homophobic area, it pretty much sounds like a normal clinic may somehow be better.

[Butters]

Is there really? I mean, lying was obviously a bad idea but the idea that you, as a trans person, don't deserve the necessary medical treatments because you don't have a group of people to support you is fucking retarded.

Like I said earlier, I was often told the same shit when I tried to convince doctors I was trans and deserved hormones, and I didn't even lie in the first place.

Let's face it, transgender health care is archaic and retarded in most parts of the world. Some places like Denmark and Argentina are learning but we still have a long way to go.

I wouldn't blame this whole thing on Pastry.

Hmmmm. But if she just told the truth instead of being edgy/ashamed of an art forum things would have totally went her way. Life ain't fair, but telling the truth in this situation would have gotten her what she wanted. 

Thats the lesson here. 

[Kellie Gator]

Hmmmm. But if she just told the truth instead of being edgy/ashamed of an art forum things would have totally went her way. Life ain't fair, but telling the truth in this situation would have gotten her what she wanted. 

Thats the lesson here. 

You're really oversimplifying this, Butters. It's very likely they would've pulled that card even if she didn't lie, maybe because she'd need IRL support or whatever. And this wouldn't have happened if the system wasn't so stupid.

I really don't feel like it's cool to blame her and not the system.

[Butters]

You're really oversimplifying this, Butters. It's very likely they would've pulled that card even if she didn't lie, maybe because she'd need IRL support or whatever. And this wouldn't have happened if the system wasn't so stupid.

I really don't feel like it's cool to blame her and not the system.

I'm not picking on anyone. Just stating a simple fact. If she had told them she had the support she actually has, they would have one less thing to deny her for. She had it, she lied unnecessarily...to spite herself evidently. I'm a smidge curious why she did not reveal it even afterwards. 

Why is this hard for you to understand? It's not right and it's not fair but in reality, the solution to this problem is quite simple. 

[Kellie Gator]

I'm not picking on anyone. Just stating a simple fact. If she had told them she had the support she actually has, they would have one less thing to deny her for. She had it, she lied unnecessarily...to spite herself evidently. I'm a smidge curious why she did not reveal it even afterwards. 

Why is this hard for you to understand? It's not right and it's not fair but in reality, the solution to this problem is quite simple. 

And how do you know it would've been fine if she told the truth? They might still have been old farts insisting on IRL support rather than some internet forum.

You're making assumptions, man. I get what you're saying, that you think you know how well it would've gone if she told the truth. That's kind of a bold claim, son. Now, I'm no prophet either, my point is, it could've done bad anyway. Because the system is broken. I know from experience how transgender healthcare can be.

Edited November 2, 2015 by Kellie Gator

[Vae]

Support groups and therapy do not work for everyone. Speaking personally, trying to talk to a support group or a stranger like a doctor about my issues actually fucks me up worse, because it forces me into situations that spike my anxiety, which in turn exacerbates my issues.

The fact that it is something that should be a suggestion, but instead is being used to keep Pastry's medicine hostage, is ridiculously ignorant towards the differences in needs between individual people.
And as doctors, specifically doctors handling delicate issues like transitioning, they should fucking know better.

Edited November 2, 2015 by Vae

[Onnes]

I thought the entire point informed consent clinics was that they didn't act as gatekeepers beyond making sure you are sane enough to be responsible for your actions. If someone believes it unnecessary, then they are far less likely to divulge accurate personal details if they dislike divulging personal details.

Also, it's weird seeing butterflygoddess essentially mocking someone for failing to navigate an obviously vexatious institution in order to get a medication refill. 

[PastryOfApathy]

I'm back from work and holy shit, this thread seemingly turned to shit.

I guess you could threaten to start self-medding if they continue to gate you like this, that might snap their attention to. Or it might make it worse, I dunno.

Your biggest mistake was lying to them about knowing other trans people to talk to, don't do that. Remember they're there to help you not judge you. That's not always the case but assume until proven otherwise is the best strategy. If you can't trust people, at least go with the best logical strategy.

If all else fails, you can buy what you need online. I hear InHousePharmacy or something or another is a good option. Try checking /lgbt/ on 4chins, you'd be surprised how much helpful info there is.

 Yeah I've looked into it from /mtfg/ and similar threads. I've thought about it but figured it would be better to do it legitimately since I had the opportunity to do so. I'm probably just gonna self-med until they cut their bullshit off. Not the best solution obviously but it's better than the alternative.

Is there really? I mean, lying was obviously a bad idea but the idea that you, as a trans person, don't deserve the necessary medical treatments because you don't have a group of people to support you is fucking retarded.

Like I said earlier, I was often told the same shit when I tried to convince doctors I was trans and deserved hormones, and I didn't even lie in the first place.

Let's face it, transgender health care is archaic and retarded in most parts of the world. Some places like Denmark and Argentina are learning but we still have a long way to go.

I wouldn't blame this whole thing on Pastry.

It should be noted that once I realized what direction they were going in, I tried to explain that there were places I could go but apparently they want me to join one of their groups or something so I can "prove it". It's one of those situations where I should have lied, but I don't think it would have made a significant difference seeing as they were pretty set that I wasn't ready or something

Hmmmm. But if she just told the truth instead of being edgy/ashamed of an art forum things would have totally went her way. Life ain't fair, but telling the truth in this situation would have gotten her what she wanted. 

Thats the lesson here. 

It's not about "being edgy" or some horseshit. I just don't like disclosing information about my personal life to people I don't know, it's just how I am, since I've had a history of therapists/psychiatrists leaking sensitive information about me without permission.

Besides, from what I was told by multiple sources, informed consent clinics are supposed to be super straight-forward once you sign the documents acknowledging the risks (which I did). The absolute last thing I expected was them to effectively cockblock me when everything I've been taught up to this point said otherwise, seeing as that's kinda the whole point of informed consent in the first place.

.

[Clove Darkwave]

The only logical reason I can think of is that because the suicide rate is so high they think you need an anchor or something.

[Kellie Gator]

The only logical reason I can think of is that because the suicide rate is so high they think you need an anchor or something.

Might be their logic, yeah, but it still makes little sense because denying trans people proper healthcare and not affirming their gender identities just makes suicide or emotional damage even MORE likely to happen. .____.

[PastryOfApathy]

Random ass update.

I called the place, and as it turns out my doctor is booked until like next year. Go figure. Luckily I booked an appointment this Friday with someone else so hopefully I'll be able to get shit done. Until then I'm just going to pretend I'm dead, like on the outside not the inside...whatever the fuck that means.

[AshleyAshes]

Can this forum have some successful trans stories?  Ya'll making me sad all the time.

[PastryOfApathy]

Can this forum have some successful trans stories?  Ya'll making me sad all the time.

It's much easier to bitch on the internet about personal problems when you're depressed than it is to write an essay about how awesome everything is when you're happy. It's kinda like restaurant reviews in that way, people only bother writing a review when they're pissed.

[Vae]

 [stoof]

The thing about this is,
these are your experiences.
They are not everyone's.
They are not going to be everyone's thought process.
They are not going to be everyone's mistakes.

Following a similar vein, one could make this argument against abortion.
"Oh, I did this and didn't wanna live with myself afterwards. You reeeeaaally need to take more time to consider. You're not ready yet."
Or getting a hysterectomy or a tubal ligation.
"Oh you might want children some day. You need more tiiiiime. Babies."
Or, shit, I even heard this in the process of getting an IUD.
"You should wait in case it accidentally makes you sterile. Baaaaaabieeeees."

The bottom line is
the doctors are there to prevent you from suffering physical complications due to physical and chemical conflicts.
They should not be playing parent.
Especially to the extent that it bars you from getting what you're paying for.
Life carries an element of risk,
and if you're willing to take the risk, and have the resources to achieve said risk, that's totally on you.

It should not be something that bars a person from getting the treatment they need or want,
just because their method for dealing with things on a social level is different than someone else's.
People find comfort in different things.
Not everyone needs or wants the reassurance or the outside influence.

Edited November 4, 2015 by Vae

[Phausk]

 It is why people like Ripley's Believe it or Not "Catman" have to go to non-professional "artists" to have their work done, doctors just simply aren't allowed to do such non-necessary procedures without good reason.

Catman is dead :\

[Clove Darkwave]

The problem with that argument is that the abuse and gating that happens to a lot of legitimately trans people far outweighs the occasional individual such as yourself. Informed Consent isn't just for HRT and it plays a very important role in the system.

I also think you're dramatically overstating the effects HRT could have over what would presumably be a few months.

Edited November 4, 2015 by Clove Darkwave

[Kinharia]

I am feeling feelings towards you Pastry. I am genuinely sorry to hear about the state you are in I just want to fly out there give you a hug then kick the door of that clinic down and kick those fuckers with mah boots.

[AshleyAshes]

I also think you're dramatically overstating the effects HRT could have over what would presumably be a few months.

For the vast majority who are over 18 when starting HRT, it's effects would be entirely reversible.  HRT isn't exactly magical furry fetish transformation pills after all.

[Clove Darkwave]

For the vast majority who are over 18 when starting HRT, it's effects would be entirely reversible.  HRT isn't exactly magical furry fetish transformation pills after all.

 

Pretty much. If you grew tits the tissue won't go away, but that takes a fair amount of time anyway.

[AshleyAshes]

Pretty much. If you grew tits the tissue won't go away, but that takes a fair amount of time anyway.

Yeah, and even then, that's really not rocket science to deal with.  FtMs tend to make pretty convincing dudes.  Know who makes even more convincing dudes?  MtFs who then go back to male.

[PastryOfApathy]

I got some good news for once, is this real life? 

By what I can only assume is pure coincidence, the day after I got fed up and called to schedule an appointment I finally got a reply from my doctor. Basically she has decided I've "demonstrated [my] commitment and have really tried from your side to help coordinate everything" which is a bit of an understatement but at this point I don't care. I have an appointment this Friday so we'll see what wacky shenanigans ensue.

Hooray, progress!

For the vast majority who are over 18 when starting HRT, it's effects would be entirely reversible.  HRT isn't exactly magical furry fetish transformation pills after all.

It varies greatly from person to person but generally you only start to notice any real changes a few months in. From that point on you risk permanently losing your fertility as well as the aforementioned breast tissue.

Basically you could take hormones for a month or two to test its effects and be perfectly fine.

[AshleyAshes]

From that point on you risk permanently losing your fertility

It's not really as bad as most trans people say.  This is why HRT or even just antiandrogens have been used as a contraceptive.  Obviously it's going to be REALLY counter productive to be on HRT if you are trying to get someone pregnant, but if you don't want to get someone pregnant, HRT is not a reliable substitute for proper contraception.  Sperm counts almost always return to normal after discontinuation of HRT.

[DrGravitas]

 

I got some good news for once, is this real life? 

By what I can only assume is pure coincidence, the day after I got fed up and called to schedule an appointment I finally got a reply from my doctor. Basically she has decided I've "demonstrated [my] commitment and have really tried from your side to help coordinate everything" which is a bit of an understatement but at this point I don't care. I have an appointment this Friday so we'll see what wacky shenanigans ensue.

Hooray, progress!

Congratulations!

In my view, I don't think this is a coincidence. I think they were testing to make sure this was really what you wanted by seeing if you'd push it forward. That, or the doctor was afraid they were about to lose a patient to another doctor

Either way, best of luck and keep on pressing forward.

Edited November 5, 2015 by DrGravitas

[Troj]

Wut?

Shit, I'd argue most Americans, period, lack "adequate social support." That's not a very helpful rubric, is it?

This LGBT clinic sounds like they're flying by the seat of their pants and in total denial about it. They're dogs in the manger--unwilling to refer to or consult with outside professionals, but too incompetent to actually handle things successfully themselves.

 

[Spot]

You're really gonna miss that penis just you wait. No but seriously, good luck.

[PastryOfApathy]

You're really gonna miss that penis just you wait. No but seriously, good luck.

B-but I'm poor...

[AshleyAshes]

In my view, I don't think this is a coincidence. I think they were testing to make sure this was really what you wanted by seeing if you'd push it forward. That, or the doctor was afraid they were about to lose a patient to another doctor

I think that you are trying to read way too much into what was almost certainly nothing but good old fashioned 'bureaucracy'.

[PastryOfApathy]

It's official, I now have a prescription for vagina pills.  gg

[AshleyAshes]

It's official, I now have a prescription for vagina pills.  gg

Get ready for largely placebo effect side effects!

[PastryOfApathy]

Get ready for largely placebo effect side effects!

Happy is happy. Well, at least until my nipple start hurting like hell.

[Vae]

Happy is happy. Well, at least until my nipple start hurting like hell.

Just make sure you get decent undershirt or sports bra or something.

Speaking as someone who has not had any hormones (but does have a period every month), that'll save you from a lot of little accidental bumps and scratches that'll hurt a hell of a lot worse than any aching going on.
Gotta guard that shit.

[Fantasma]

Congratulations Pastry, that's wonderful!

Happiness is something that should come soon then~