Kellie Gator Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 Attention whoring? I'll leave that up to you.The thread title says it all. I've got no beef with anyone, I don't hate anyone, but my psychotic nature makes me just rant and be pissed off and I give people who genuinely want to help me a good time and I alienate people. The other day I flipped my fucking lid and had to call a suicide hotline and now I'm on even heavier medication (anti-depressants and anti-psychotics) than before. But will medicine really help?I need to fucking stop. And say I'm sorry. I've apologized before but I feel like I can't do it enough. I disappoint constantly because I'm psychotic and a fucking bitch.I disappoint a lot so I don't blame anyone if they don't believe me and think I'll go back to my old ways. Maybe I will, I'm not sure. I feel like this weekend has been an eye-opener though. I'm toxic and destructive as fuck. I need to change and also demand change from the doctors who are helping me.Dunno what more I can say. sfhgkjfdhgkfdhgI'm an idiot. Sorry, guys. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alexxx-Returns Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 Huh, reading that sounds almost exactly like how I am to people. I hate my entire personality, my entire existence, and for that reason, the more I care about someone, the more I push them away because they deserve better, and I care about them enough to make them go after better people, or at least not be burdened with interacting with me.When I figure out how to get past this kind of shit, I'll let ya know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuujou Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 I am a retard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Troj Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 I don't say this in a snarky or dismissive way, but ya'll would benefit from therapy if you go through most days hating and second-guessing yourself. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Antumbra Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 I agree with Troj. Nothing wrong with seeking help if you are feeling that down on yourself. It surely doesn't make you retarded. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kellie Gator Posted November 1, 2015 Author Share Posted November 1, 2015 Huh, reading that sounds almost exactly like how I am to people. I hate my entire personality, my entire existence, and for that reason, the more I care about someone, the more I push them away because they deserve better, and I care about them enough to make them go after better people, or at least not be burdened with interacting with me.When I figure out how to get past this kind of shit, I'll let ya know.I'm not entirely like that. Or it's like, IRL I often stay away from people because I don't wanna be a nuisance so it's easier to handle these things online but it's not working because my angry ranting is turning people off. >w>I don't say this in a snarky or dismissive way, but ya'll would benefit from therapy if you go through most days hating and second-guessing yourself.I do have therapy. But I guess that either my therapist wasn't doing enough or I was too unstable. I dunno if my new meds will work, I have a fucking headache today and I hope to god it's not a side effect from the meds. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brass Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 (edited) Kellie have you tried not being awful? Have you tried punishing yourself for doing awful things until it physical pains you to do awful things? Every time you do something good, treat or compliment yourself. When you fuck up remind yourself why you're human garbage. That last one shouldn't be too hard. I don't say this in a snarky or dismissive way, but ya'll would benefit from therapy if you go through most days hating and second-guessing yourself.A big waste of money and time. Acknowledge the problem, reflected on it, solve it. Edited November 1, 2015 by Brass Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mikazuki Marazhu Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 Well said Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recel Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 Kellie dear, you don't need to appologise. Not to me atleast.I do not mind a bit reading through a rant of yours. If you feel the need to rant and ask for help there is nothing wrong with that. And while I do mind that you constantly fail to take advice given to you, because I can't give any help at sticking to one, I can't blame you for it.And once again Kellie, stop hating yourself. I know it's not easy, and won't happen over night, but you really need to stop. It would be the first step to changeing things. Untill that you will always second guess your self, or feel like you shouldn't take the help you are given.I still hope someday you will feel better, even if I can't help you with it myself. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bloodshot_Eyes Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 Attention whoring? I'll leave that up to you.The thread title says it all. I've got no beef with anyone, I don't hate anyone, but my psychotic nature makes me just rant and be pissed off and I give people who genuinely want to help me a good time and I alienate people. The other day I flipped my fucking lid and had to call a suicide hotline and now I'm on even heavier medication (anti-depressants and anti-psychotics) than before. But will medicine really help?I need to fucking stop. And say I'm sorry. I've apologized before but I feel like I can't do it enough. I disappoint constantly because I'm psychotic and a fucking bitch.I disappoint a lot so I don't blame anyone if they don't believe me and think I'll go back to my old ways. Maybe I will, I'm not sure. I feel like this weekend has been an eye-opener though. I'm toxic and destructive as fuck. I need to change and also demand change from the doctors who are helping me.Dunno what more I can say. sfhgkjfdhgkfdhgI'm an idiot. Sorry, guys.You don't disappoint me. In order to be disappointed I would need to impose some form of my ideals onto you. Not only is that pointless because you have a different perspective than me, but there is no way that I can prove my ideals are right for everyone; they're not even right for me sometimes.That being said, no pressure. Humanity is a bunch of crying children trying to put on a tough face so that the other crying children don't see that they're crying. We think that by keeping pain under wraps it doesn't hurt anybody, but it hurts us and we react to things with that feeling of pain, even subconsciously. It's noticed. I'm sorry that you think you're a psychotic bitch because you act like someone that always feels they're trapped between a rock and a hard place. If you need to vent on the internet go for it. Look like an idiot, we're all idiots. I could call you an idiot because of some preconceived notion of what I believe universally implies idiocy. But I'd be an idiot to say that that notion ACTUALLY universally implies idiocy. It's okay to feel like an idiot. If we never felt like idiots, we'd never have the opportunity or the reason to learn and grow. Don't beat yourself up because you didn't know something before you learned it. [other language-ly incomprehensible positive vibes and stuff] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Troj Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 (edited) A big waste of money and time. Acknowledge the problem, reflected on it, solve it.Incidentally, that's what therapy's ideally for, smartass.Not every problem can be acknowledged, reflected on, and solved by yourself in a vacuum.I'm not entirely like that. Or it's like, IRL I often stay away from people because I don't wanna be a nuisance so it's easier to handle these things online but it's not working because my angry ranting is turning people off. >w>I do have therapy. But I guess that either my therapist wasn't doing enough or I was too unstable. I dunno if my new meds will work, I have a fucking headache today and I hope to god it's not a side effect from the meds.Could be lots of things. It could be that you're not a good fit for each other. Could be that they don't have adequate experience to work with people like you, or aren't applying tools that would be a good fit for you. Could be that your medication presents some added complications, or that the underlying issue(s) that your meds are intended to treat add some complications. Could be that there are lots of complex things you're trying to unpack and solve, and that takes time. Sorry it continues to be a struggle, in any case, Kellie. Edited November 1, 2015 by Troj Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kellie Gator Posted November 1, 2015 Author Share Posted November 1, 2015 Kellie have you tried not being awful? Have you tried punishing yourself for doing awful things until it physical pains you to do awful things? Every time you do something good, treat or compliment yourself. When you fuck up remind yourself why you're human garbage. That last one shouldn't be too hard."Awful" is subjective. I always strive to be the best person possible, it's just that I have issues that cloud my judgement and make me say and do things that feel right at the time even though they're not.Also, my therapists and most other people seem to think differently. I beat myself, "punish myself" a lot over things and carry a lot of guilt over things I've said or done. Everyone told me I was awful growing up despite my attempts to be a nice person. I started believing them and constantly told myself I was an awful human being. I still struggle with that sometimes. I stress myself out and put myself in harm's way in attempts to "not be awful".My point is, your strategy doesn't work. I tried it.Well saidI hope you mean that you accept my apology and not that you think I really am a retard. D:Kellie dear, you don't need to appologise. Not to me atleast.I do not mind a bit reading through a rant of yours. If you feel the need to rant and ask for help there is nothing wrong with that. And while I do mind that you constantly fail to take advice given to you, because I can't give any help at sticking to one, I can't blame you for it.And once again Kellie, stop hating yourself. I know it's not easy, and won't happen over night, but you really need to stop. It would be the first step to changeing things. Untill that you will always second guess your self, or feel like you shouldn't take the help you are given.I still hope someday you will feel better, even if I can't help you with it myself.I honestly don't mean to reject advice, I just try to brainstorm and explain my situation further but I guess all it ever was is me beating around the bush or something and at times I was downright rude about it.Thanks for the nice post, by the way. You're lovely. <3Could be lots of things. It could be that you're not a good fit for each other. Could be that they don't have adequate experience to work with people like you, or aren't applying tools that would be a good fit for you. Could be that your medication presents some added complications, or that the underlying issue(s) that your meds are intended to treat add some complications. Could be that there are lots of complex things you're trying to unpack and solve, and that takes time. Sorry it continues to be a struggle, in any case, Kellie. I think it might be that my medication wasn't strong enough. I can't be sure and meds won't make my issues go away but it's clear my anti-depressants and anti-psychotics weren't doing enough. We're trying to increase the dosage and take another kind of anti-psychotic to see how it goes. My body is super-tolerant to meds so it's hard to be optimistic but I honestly truly hope it'll make me more stable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brass Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 (edited) Incidentally, that's what therapy's ideally for, smartass.Not every problem can be acknowledged, reflected on, and solved by yourself in a vacuum.Could be lots of things. It could be that you're not a good fit for each other. Could be that they don't have adequate experience to work with people like you, or aren't applying tools that would be a good fit for you. Could be that your medication presents some added complications, or that the underlying issue(s) that your meds are intended to treat add some complications. Could be that there are lots of complex things you're trying to unpack and solve, and that takes time. Sorry it continues to be a struggle, in any case, Kellie. You're a dumb shit. There are other resources out there other than therapy. Paying someone to tell you what you want to hear will get you no where. The only person who knows the full scope of a personal problem is the person who is facing it. Most self created problems outside of chemical dependency can be fixed by basic self control. If you can't even do this you have problems a therapist cannot fix.Also, my therapists and most other people seem to think differently. I beat myself, "punish myself" a lot over things and carry a lot of guilt over things I've said or done. Everyone told me I was awful growing up despite my attempts to be a nice person. I started believing them and constantly told myself I was an awful human being. I still struggle with that sometimes. I stress myself out and put myself in harm's way in attempts to "not be awful".Did you ever try giving yourself some positive reinforcement? Edited November 1, 2015 by Brass Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kellie Gator Posted November 1, 2015 Author Share Posted November 1, 2015 You're a dumb shit. There are other resources out there other than therapy. Paying someone to tell you what you want to hear will get you no where. The only person who knows the full scope of a personal problem is the person who is facing it. Most self created problems outside of chemical dependency can be fixed by basic self control. If you can't even do this you have problems a therapist cannot fix.roflI don't even know what to say, nice internet tough guy and smarts attitude there, along with the insults. You sound like an anti-vaxxer and their "natural medicine" bollocks. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Onnes Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 ... People, just because you can feed the trolls doesn't mean you should. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brass Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 faggotryVaxing your children gives them autism as can be seen by the majority of the posts you make. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kellie Gator Posted November 1, 2015 Author Share Posted November 1, 2015 Vaxing your children gives them autism as can be seen by the majority of the posts you make.You must be really upset about that new Sesame Street character, huh? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brass Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 (edited) You must be really upset about that new Sesame Street character, huh?Elmo is already super autistic I don't understand why they need to give him a butt budy. Edited November 1, 2015 by Brass Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Troj Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 (edited) Anyway, Kellie, you were saying?Sorry your metabolism seems to be throwing a monkey wrench into the situation. I hope your doc can figure something out. Edited November 1, 2015 by Troj Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kellie Gator Posted November 2, 2015 Author Share Posted November 2, 2015 (edited) Anyway, Kellie, you were saying?Sorry your metabolism seems to be throwing a monkey wrench into the situation. I hope your doc can figure something out.I'll try to pester the docs about it if this keeps being a problem.On the bright side, my metabolism should help me survive a post-apocalyptic landscape. FALLOUT, HERE I COME. Edited November 2, 2015 by Kellie Gator Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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