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Rave/Rant: How to be happy without being anxious. (trigger: suicide mention)


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hello furiends :u 

I have a problem I never thought I'd have a problem with. Part of posting this is to try and brighten up the place, and part of just expressing both relief and then confusion.

For those who know me, you know I've had it hard (who doesn't?). For those who don't, a quick rundown: 

Fall 2013: Arrive at college with a suit case, a backpack, $140 bucks 1600 miles away from home. Find out what little family I had hated me pursuing art school and withdrew all support. My co-signer for student loans, the day I started school, told me he wasn't going to do it anymore. Abandoned and sad. The stress of school and my parent's deterioration of their marriage hurt, along with therapy opening up wounds I didn't know I had nor was I prepared for. The semester ended with me getting kicked out of the dorms and then put in a psych facility for suicidal ideation and attempt. 

All 2014: Still dealing with psych ward aftermath. No friends, far away in a bad part of town. Barely passed second semester. Got a job I was berated at daily. Homeless for a while. Changed majors (yay), dealt with a family death and a cancer scare. Spent most of the year alone trying to cope with severe depression.

2015: Things improving. Then my grandfather stopped speaking to me (family drama). Tess died. My mother committed tax fraud in my name, stole a grand from me. Had bed bugs 4 times, had several nervous breakdowns through out the year. Still better than 2013-2014, but still had to rely on mom's shitty financials and the phone service cutting out. Once left stranded in a bad part of town because service cut out unexpectedly. Mom is putting little sister through hell because "court is too expensive" in response to her father. Family at home a mess. Got claimed independent via the fafsa so I no longer had to rely on mom. Now had way more state support and grants. Best christmas present ever. 

2016: ...nothing. I'm genuinely happy. I'm Independent on the fafsa, I have my own phone plan, my design is being received incredibly well. I have two incredibly good best friends that are warm and supportive. My boyfriend is going to propose this year! I have so many internships to choose from. School is going great. I have the time to focus on my health. 

I'm honest to god genuinely happy. I have no problems I have to deal with that lower my quality of life. Hell, when people ask me how I'm doing, and I say "great!" with a smile, they ask if I'm being sarcastic.

My rant part of the issue is that I feel bad for being happy. People will always struggle, and now after a lifetime of struggle and worry, I feel like I'm rubbing it in folks' faces that I'm genuinely doing great. I never speak to my family, and I'm doing great for it. Heck, the relationship with my dad has improved to the point I'm happy to talk to him weekly. My life has been one long endless bad joke, and now I don't know how to deal with genuine happiness.

However, I still of course have the PTSD/Anxiety to deal with, but I have a lovely therapist I work with. My life isn't perfect.. but its super manageable. My problems nowadays are being anxious about being happy and paying bills, but everyone has that.

I dunno guys. I'm just happy and I dunno how to deal with it. It sure is a nice problem to have, though. 

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Your family sounds so mean. Especially that tax fraud incident

Anyway, it sounds like you had to push a boulder a long distance... uphill, too. If someone were to make yet another motivational smartphone app, then your story should be in it to encourage people to keep pushing through hardships if you give it  a little bit more detail 

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