Comic Critique Needed! (84 pages) SFW ver.

[PlusThirtyOne]

Here it is! The revival of my comic project! i've been working on it since the FA forums pooped out and it's going to launch as soon as i get a little more feedback. Since the days of the FA forums, i've added a number of pages to flesh out character development, redrawn several pages, added new elements and remixed the plot a tiny bit. if you've read the comic already (of only 54 pages), i still suggest leafing through it ONE MORE time to see the differences and refresh yourself with the plot. The first and last pages are virtually the same but i've added 30 new pages to the center. 10 additional pages are currently in the works but enough about that: Back to the comic...

 

 

'iN THE LOOP' is a comic project that's gone through many updates, changes and revisions and i'm sure there might be a few more. With that in mind, i'm open to new ideas. Nothing on these pages is set in stone. Everything is subject to change. After the first couple of chapters are out of the way, the series format will devolve into short 5-6 panel cartoons with occasional multi-page stories. These first few pages or so are here to set a foundation for future shorts. i started this story over 10 years ago and several panels and pages were drawn roughly that long ago. Some parts have aged better than others so please forgive me if the art changes in quality from time to time.

 

STORY

Kara is a self-titled "Nerd".
She's an introverted, strangely quiet girl "irl" but near the polar opposite online. After saving up and moving far from her childhood rural home to the city, she starts a new life to reinvent herself. Without the worry of working full time, she lively posts her stories and shares her dreams with the world through video streams and hosts a series of self made videos. She reviewing movies, games, news and shares opinions. Six months and a hundred or so articles later, she's gone from a "nobody" to "somebody" in the world of online video blogging, built on an extended family of viewers and followers who watch her weekly blogs and read her daily thoughts. Kara is happy to share nearly everything about her daily life and opinions online.
 

-everything except her romantic life.

After her video blog starts gaining traction, she's contacted by a fan; a photographer and editor who happens to work for a growing internet culture magazine. While looking to expand their offices and open a branch in Kara's new home city, it turns out that her new downtown home is located close by several potential office locations. What better way to pitch a possible partnership than to host and tour around a company employee? With possibilities abound, Kara's future as a full-time journalist may just take off! internet stardom, sponsorship deals and cross-network promotions are just the beginning! Everything is looking great!
 

-until her romantic practice comes into question.

Highlight for story spoiler : Kara is polyamorous; (en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory) meaning she has multiple loving relationships. Despite that bit, the focus of the story isn't on the sexual aspect, but the social and nerdy side. i've always wondered (and feared) what it'd be like to be internet famous. Kara accidentally becomes famous over a short period of time and her life is flipped upside down while she struggles to keep her private life private and public life (as well as he girlfriends) in check. The first 60 pages deal with her first initial struggle; exposing herself to her company insider! The first few pages are pretty predictable but i plan on taking the story in some interesting directions later on. (end spoilers)

'iN THE LOOP' is a slice-of-life romantic comedy drama with a dash of nerdy humor in later pages. Videogames, movies, pop-culture and tech all play a role in the story and setting, LGBT culture notwithstanding. Chances are if you're on a computer reading it, there's something in it for you. The comic gets a little lewd (18+) from time to time later on but it isn't just for show. Each character has his/her own personality that will show through the comic. Some characters are crass and some are sweet. Some are sexy and others quite prudish. 'iN THE LOOP' is meant to be far more than "porn with a story". in fact, i fully intend to make layer masks and censored options for readers less inclined and most 18+ pages and side stories will be completely optional.
 

 

PAGES


00 - 01 - 02 - 03 - 04 - 05 - 06 - 07

08 - 09 - 10 - 11 - 12 - 13 - 14 - 15

16 - 17 - 18 - 19 - 20 - 21 - 22 - 23

24 - 25 - 26 - 27 - 28 - 29 - 30 - 31

32 - 33 - 34 - 35 - 36 - 37 - 38 - 39

40 - 41 - 42 - 43 - 44 - 45 - 46 - 47

48 - 49 - 50 - 51 - 52 - 53 - 54 - 55

56 - 57 - 58 - 59 - 60 - 61 - 62 - 63

64 - 65 - 66 - 67 - 68 - 69 - 70 - 71

72 - 73 - 74 - 75 - 76 - 77 - 78 - 79

80 - 81 - 82 - 83 - 84 - 85 - 86 - 87

RED page links are intentionally left out for now!
NSFW pages coming soon. Please see explanation below.

 

WHAT i NEED FROM YOU

The more you can critique, the better. As to be expected, there may be typos and grammar errors so i need full coverage. i need details, ideas, corrections, art critique, writing suggestions, etc. i need feedback on the art, dialogue change suggestions, story consistency, plot hole filling, alternate scene ideas, etc. Feel free to ask any questions and make any suggestions you'd like. i want to create a slice-of-life comic with wide appeal but i don't want to stray too far from the original idea. Be honest, be brutal but please be helpful. i'm not seeking praise, i'm looking for ideas. i want to know what i'm doing right and what i need to fix. As soon as i get some feedback and make some changes, i'll start posting the comic on FA. There's still a lot more to come but i need to hammer out the prologue first. Thank you all for helping me with this, especially those who were asked via PM. i got a lot to work done and fixed a few goofs since you might have read it last. (Big edits may come later)
 

FAQ
(please read the comic first
before reading any further)
 

Why are there missing pages?
Not every page is necessary to get the full scope of the story. Some pages were left out either due to further editing or they contain NSFW details. i'm leaving those pages out of the first draft. Not everyone needs (or wants) to see that stuff. These pages will eventually be shown after some helpful critique and i post them on FA. Don't worry. They aren't important...yet. They will be later but not now.

Why do you draw X like that? You need to update your style!
While i greatly appreciate the input, please keep in mind that i like this "style". i can draw in several different "styles" and mediums outside of this but i like the "style" i've established here, specifically for this comic. i like manga/kemono! Yes, there's still plenty of room for improvement and yes, i'm ready and willing to redraw some panels but i have no plans on switching up my "style". if you have tips and thoughts on body anatomy or think a character pose looks "off", please tell me. i'm open to that! -But please don't complain about "anime hair" and "big eyes".

What's with the alternating BW and color pages?
Most pages will follow a pattern of 6 BW and then 2 color pages. This is intentional to keep the flow of the cartoon, allowing me to put out more frequent updates as well as highlight- *AHEM* ...special moments in color. The first two gaps of missing color pages are for character profiles and their personal information. These pages get quite personal so they will be flagged NSFW when they're done.

What changes will be made between this draft and the final version?
Anything from character motivation to setting to dialogue. You'll just have to wait and see. if there's something you like to see changed, let me know! (...and i mean anything)

Wha-? What's going on? What scenes happen in what order!?
The title of the comic, 'in the Loop' is not only a reference to a poly loop. i wanted to tell these stories in a circular arc. The end of each short story should wrap back around, full circle. i've written more story arcs that "loop" around similarly. Later on, once the renovations are done on Abbie's building, new tenants move in and inquire about the other residents. Each character has a story to tell and they're told in such a way that they all wrap up back where the story started. Stories about how they met, established their relationships, jobs, etc. but that's just the long form stories. Shorts and single/dual page stories probably won't follow this pattern.

Why are the images so small? i can't read them!
imgur.com automatically resizes most large images to fit your desktop resolution. if you're having trouble reading the text, just click the "view full size" button in the top right corner. Don't worry, all pages for the comic are done at 2620x4500 pixel res. FA's max 1280 resolution still looks readable as far as i can tell.

What's in it for me? (the reader)
i plan to credit those who critique. i also have open spaces for contributors' characters (fursonae and the like) to take cameo roles, background faces and the like just for fun. While i can't promise anybody that their character(s) will make appearances in the comic, i'll try to find ways to thank anyone who throws in their two cents. The more you critique and help, the more likely you are to be written in. (but not as main characters)

i look forward to all your helpful critique! <3

Edited March 2, 2016 by PlusThirtyOne
updated on 3-2-16

[Toboe]

http://i.imgur.com/uS4RvPK.jpg

Both in the lower left bubble:

Her care isn't parked outside either.  -> car

some of the photo aren't -> photos

http://i.imgur.com/e8D0oXv.jpg

lower right corner:

"Jou gave my ze pains in my heart!"  -> replace my with me

http://i.imgur.com/b7Gfatp.jpg

~middle of the page

i goes where i wants, when i wants! -> Either i'm missing some meme-reason for her to speak lolzcat, or that would be go, want and want respectively.

[PlusThirtyOne]

4 hours ago, Toboe said:

http://i.imgur.com/uS4RvPK.jpg

Both in the lower left bubble:

Her care isn't parked outside either.  -> car

some of the photo aren't -> photos

http://i.imgur.com/e8D0oXv.jpg

lower right corner:

"Jou gave my ze pains in my heart!"  -> replace my with me

http://i.imgur.com/b7Gfatp.jpg

~middle of the page

i goes where i wants, when i wants! -> Either i'm missing some meme-reason for her to speak lolzcat, or that would be go, want and want respectively.

Great! Fixing those images soon.
As for the "i goes where i wants, when i wants", it's intentional. i guess it's a reference to Popeye speak. Either way, i'll probably change it to, "Abbie goes where Abbie wants."

Thanks!

[AlastairSnowpaw]

I have a couple critiques that I hope can help you improve your comic, my critiques are primarily story and character based. and with each critique I will also provide a possible solution.

The first small thing that kind of stood out was how Kara was able to get past TSA security so easily. Not only would there more likely be way more than one guard but after that loud argument Kara would have gotten tackled and detained on the spot, there would also be way more than Kevin which i'm assuming she goes to have sex with after that. There's that airport announcement on page 12 that jokes about how tight security is, yet when kara runs past the TSA kara she gets off Scot free? no amount of cousins would help with that, I imagine she would at least get banned from that airport or something. Security would be way more strict than that is it is too much for me to suspend my disbelief for. However this can be easily fixed at least for me by just setting it at a train or bus station, I can believe someone running past/fucking security in those places way more than a post 9/11 airport.

The next critique thing with rose and how she leads Kara on, I'm having trouble making sense of it. On page 74 she says it's obvious what Kara's sexuality is from her blog, yet proceeds to kiss her and not mention how she is not sexually attracted to women, or that she's getting married. Those would be super important details to mention especially to someone who you just took pictures of half naked.

The difference in culture isn't enough to justify her doing that stuff and if there was such culture difference I don't think it would be a foreigner that would be the first one to take pictures. Even internet success can be area restricted, for example one punch man was first a massive successful web-comic but only in japan, it was really only once the anime came out that other regions noticed it. Odd example but I would imagine a more local internet magazine thing would take interest in her first. Also her accent reminds me of a Russian accent and to my knowledge Russia is really homophobic so it is super unlikely she would be as accepting to the polyamorous thing. One way to have this make sense is she having a trouble with her sexual identity and part of her kind of doesn't wanna marry the guy.

 I don't really see where the nerdy comes in. There's like two pages with comics and that seems to be it. Also you are underplaying the sexy part with 9 nsfw pages and multiple others involving a shower and them being in their undies there is a lot of sexuality in this comic. Which is fine, but don't downplay it.

Along with that Kara doesn't seem like a shy quite introvert. The way she admitted that stuff to rose is not how a shy quite person would do it. the huge risk of running past TSA security is something a shy quite person would only do when playing GTA. A shy quite person wouldn't be able to explain their sexuality and sexual situation so easily. I have met a couple shy quite LBQT people who have to rely on others to explain what gender pronouns they like to be referred to as. Based on the actions that have been shown in the comic Kara doesn't seem like a shy quite person at all.

Maybe she was a shy quite person person before she moved to the city but now it seems she to be completely different. She seems like someone who recently figured out their sexuality and is super happy and proud of it, the situation with rose being the first time her new sexuality has backfired and she is super devastated by that.

I highly recommend filling out character trees for all your main characters and then use that to write how they act. This is a video that describes the process.

 

 

That was a whole lot and I hope it can be used to better your comic and good luck with it.

 

[PlusThirtyOne]

Please disregard this post. My phone is retarded...

Edited April 1, 2016 by PlusThirtyOne

[PlusThirtyOne]

On 3/25/2016 at 10:02 PM, AlastairSnowpaw said:

I have a couple critiques that I hope can help you improve your comic, my critiques are primarily story and character based. and with each critique I will also provide a possible solution.

VERY nice critique! Thanks a bunch!!
Now here's the part where people get mad at me. i completely agree with your points but here are the reasons for writing the story the way i did. Feel free to disagree, stop me or bring up new ideas.

About the airport:
it's been several years since 9/11. i visit my airport a LOT so i know its ins and outs. My airport (and Kara's) still makes the "No jokes" pages and security notices. TSA officers are still rather sparse and spread out. Near the security gates, it's conceivable that one could sneak by unnoticed, past the signs, past the guard post (assuming there is one) and chase down a passenger.
Kara, a sobbing 20-something girl past airport security wouldn't be identified as a threat or a terrorist by anybody. Nobody KNOWS she passed by security after all so she probably wouldn't get tackled. She'd clearly be detained and escorted by an officer after being seen on camera but i doubt she'd be in too much trouble if her girlfriend's cousin were a manager at the airport. -And what's this about SEX with Kevin?!?! Abbie wouldn't even dream of that. She may be adventurous but she's certainly not incestuous. i don't think Abbie would approve of her Kara getting fucked by a family member... Where did that come from?

Kara:
She is a lot like me. Sometimes i feel like two different people: the shy/quiet introverted me and the confident/open outgoing me. Kara is nervous when she first meets Rose face to face. Once she realizes she's the same girl she's been chatting with online, she opens up. Like me, she acts different ways around different people. Kara's friends bring her out of her shell. She's happy to discuss her sexuality with close friends which is why she's so open to Rose.
Admittedly the "nerd" stuff is downplayed at least in this chapter. Nerd culture will play a part going forward but don't expect it to come up if it's not plot-centric. i'd hate to go all "Big Bang" and lose focus. Kara plays games and keeps game posters on her walls so there's that but i promise i'll get to more of the nerdy stuff later. Keep in mind, there won't be any name drops or mentions of real world properties. Marvel, Star Wars, Street Fight, Call of Duty, Mario Kart and other well known intellectual properties don't exist here. Expect a lot of spoof material. After all, Kara might be working in a nerd-culture-centric magazine soon so there will be time for parody and in-jokes later.

Rose:
Rose accent is meant to be ambiguous. She may be European but it's implied that her country is sheltered and rather "clean" by Western standards. She knows of homosexual lifestyles but can't wrap her mind around a poly relationship. She hadn't ever heard of it. Whether her home country or culture is anti-anything or not, it doesn't matter. Rose spent a lot of time working with sexy girls and sexy fashion. She likes her work and takes it very seriously but she doesn't feel sexually attracted to it/them. When Rose meets Kara in person, she assumes that her actions towards her girlfriends is cultural, not romantic. Even though she isn't homosexual, she thinks it's cute and wants to give it a try.
Rose does mention her fiancé, at least in her letter, so it's implied that Kara knew of him already. Rose knows what she wants and what she is; straight. Kara doesn't understand this and makes assumptions based on her curiosity. it's SUPPOSED to be confusing. Both characters are confused. Bottom line is, Rose is straight but culturally confused and Kara's confused because she read too far into Rose's job, comments, actions and curiosity. Rose just forgot to pause and say, "No homo".

The premise:
Yes, the comic does take some sexual, porny turns but the focus of this chapter isn't T&A. The bits were shown because they were important to build character (Abbie's dialogue), give a setting (shower thoughts) and build plot (photoshoot).
The comic will have more to show later, once a setting is established. This isn't porn with a story, it's a story with sexy elements. -And yes, LOTS of material has been held back, which brings me to...

Characters:
Your link was helpful but i've already begun working on character trees and bios. Several of the "cut" pages above are character design pages and mini bios for each of the characters, complete with nude designs, personal info and plot development.
You'll see them soon.

Edited April 1, 2016 by PlusThirtyOne
my iphone is retarded...