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Ohhhh NO! This Can't Be Happening! Not Yet!


DrGravitas
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MFW I turned 30 today:

56d832e7c63b5_8x7h9x9-Imgur.gif.7cab939a


Thirty years. Woo! I feel like I've done relatively well for my life so far.

I live independently and comfortably, and have done so for at least 3 years now. My finances are largely in order and I'm even saving for my retirement as well. As bizarre as the company I work for is, and despite the apparent lack of opportunities to advance on my project, I have a pretty good job. My work puts me just slightly above the average income for my area, but slightly below the surrounding area's pay for my field/experience. The general area affords me options to change this through changing companies, but I can't help but feel I'm in something of a unique arrangement with this project: the people are nice, the client is good, the managers are in another state (along with the client), and I feel my contributions/opinions are respected well. The project itself is growing repetitive, but past experience with other projects at that company lead me to believe its still better than most of what's out there.

My hobbies, have dwindled in number down to a few. Much of my time spent outside of work involves toying around with 3D modelling. Sometimes I treat it like my second job, if I'm honest about it. Really, there's only one aspect of my life I think I regret the direction it has taken: relationships and love. I barely even know my coworkers. I have no local friends. I've never been very outgoing, but over the last 3 years I've slowly come to realize how isolated I've made myself. Efforts to reverse this have been slow and only seen meaningful progress in the last 6 months or so and even then it has been mostly restricted to the internet. I feel I should want to do more than work, then come home and work more. Even more, I want to find some one to be with and love. To settle down and have some children, even. But, this has evolved into an actual desire only recently. Everything I've worked for in my life has been through a maximization process and I've organized everything around me to fit that. Now, I feel like I can't stop this mechanistic procession I've set up for my life and sense I've made a terrible mistake! My twenties are over and I feel like I've missed my chance. I haven't the faintest idea of where to go or what to do. All I seem to know how to do is work. It took some time to convince myself, but I've set up today and tomorrow as vacation. It needs to be more than a vacation from my job. I feel compelled to at least try to take some time out about the area, rather than spend it all exactly where I would find myself after work. I had planned to go to the zoo, but weather seems unlikely to cooperate. I should really try for the museum. There's not much else of interest to do in this area, from what I can find.

 

TL;DR I'm 30 and mostly doing pretty well! Despite the title ;) Thanks for reading this silly 'little' rave/rant vent of mine!

Edited by DrGravitas
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6 hours ago, DrGravitas said:

MFW I turned 30 today:

56d832e7c63b5_8x7h9x9-Imgur.gif.7cab939a


Thirty years. Woo! I feel like I've done relatively well for my life so far.

I live independently and comfortably, and have done so for at least 3 years now. My finances are largely in order and I'm even saving for my retirement as well. As bizarre as the company I work for is, and despite the apparent lack of opportunities to advance on my project, I have a pretty good job. My work puts me just slightly above the average income for my area, but slightly below the surrounding area's pay for my field/experience. The general area affords me options to change this through changing companies, but I can't help but feel I'm in something of a unique arrangement with this project: the people are nice, the client is good, the managers are in another state (along with the client), and I feel my contributions/opinions are respected well. The project itself is growing repetitive, but past experience with other projects at that company lead me to believe its still better than most of what's out there.

My hobbies, have dwindled in number down to a few. Much of my time spent outside of work involves toying around with 3D modelling. Sometimes I treat it like my second job, if I'm honest about it. Really, there's only one aspect of my life I think I regret the direction it has taken: relationships and love. I barely even know my coworkers. I have no local friends. I've never been very outgoing, but over the last 3 years I've slowly come to realize how isolated I've made myself. Efforts to reverse this have been slow and only seen meaningful progress in the last 6 months or so and even then it has been mostly restricted to the internet. I feel I should want to do more than work, then come home and work more. Even more, I want to find some one to be with and love. To settle down and have some children, even. But, this has evolved into an actual desire only recently. Everything I've worked for in my life has been through a maximization process and I've organized everything around me to fit that. Now, I feel like I can't stop this mechanistic procession I've set up for my life and sense I've made a terrible mistake! My twenties are over and I feel like I've missed my chance. I haven't the faintest idea of where to go or what to do. All I seem to know how to do is work. It took some time to convince myself, but I've set up today and tomorrow as vacation. It needs to be more than a vacation from my job. I feel compelled to at least try to take some time out about the area, rather than spend it all exactly where I would find myself after work. I had planned to go to the zoo, but weather seems unlikely to cooperate. I should really try for the museum. There's not much else of interest to do in this area, from what I can find.

 

TL;DR I'm 30 and mostly doing pretty well! Despite the title ;) Thanks for reading this silly 'little' rave/rant vent of mine!

8( I hope I'm doing even a sliver as well as you when Im 30 (turning 25 3ks). I've spent my entire life dependent on the welfare system (food stamps, medicaid). It blew my mind when I could afford my rent AND food when I was 23 (though still on medicaid). I was blown away again when I moved to a new state last summer and had money to spend on trivial bullshit (though still too poor to come off medicaid). Now I'm coming up on 25 and waiting around for vocational rehab to call me back...been waiting weeks now because our local hospital system is a cunt and just can't seem to get its shit in gear and send my records TO A BUILDING DOWN THE STREET.

I read your post and I want to cry for two different reasons. Firstly, I want to cry because I don't know if I'll EVER be in that comfy place you're in right now. I've spent my entire life struggling, and the past couple years have been defined by sacrifice, especially the past year... all I've done is sacrifice. Suffering, struggling, and sacrifice seem to be the concrete pattern in my life.. Is that all there is? I have no idea... it's all I've known. I have genuinely beautiful aspects in my life, but these shadowy parts never go away... I feel enslaved by them.

Secondly, I want to cry because if I genuinely was in your comfy position, specifically financially, I'd probably be getting steam rolled by one of my biggest nightmares: health insurance. There's no way in hell I'd get anything that could even come near how well medicaid is for me, and I honestly do have a LOT of medical expenses...I'm constantly at the damn hospital for some disorder related bullshit, or these strange infections I seem to catch while everyone else just gets some tame fuckin' flu virus.

I feel very hopeless reading your post...because I don't know if in my entire lifetime that I'll ever have this level of security and happiness 8(

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3 hours ago, Ratmomma said:

8( I hope I'm doing even a sliver as well as you when Im 30 (turning 25 3ks). I've spent my entire life dependent on the welfare system (food stamps, medicaid). It blew my mind when I could afford my rent AND food when I was 23 (though still on medicaid). I was blown away again when I moved to a new state last summer and had money to spend on trivial bullshit (though still too poor to come off medicaid). Now I'm coming up on 25 and waiting around for vocational rehab to call me back...been waiting weeks now because our local hospital system is a cunt and just can't seem to get its shit in gear and send my records TO A BUILDING DOWN THE STREET.

I read your post and I want to cry for two different reasons. Firstly, I want to cry because I don't know if I'll EVER be in that comfy place you're in right now. I've spent my entire life struggling, and the past couple years have been defined by sacrifice, especially the past year... all I've done is sacrifice. Suffering, struggling, and sacrifice seem to be the concrete pattern in my life.. Is that all there is? I have no idea... it's all I've known. I have genuinely beautiful aspects in my life, but these shadowy parts never go away... I feel enslaved by them.

Secondly, I want to cry because if I genuinely was in your comfy position, specifically financially, I'd probably be getting steam rolled by one of my biggest nightmares: health insurance. There's no way in hell I'd get anything that could even come near how well medicaid is for me, and I honestly do have a LOT of medical expenses...I'm constantly at the damn hospital for some disorder related bullshit, or these strange infections I seem to catch while everyone else just gets some tame fuckin' flu virus.

I feel very hopeless reading your post...because I don't know if in my entire lifetime that I'll ever have this level of security and happiness 8(

A lot can happen in 5 years, believe you me! I wish you all the best. Don't give up; I know one day you'll reach a stable point..

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Haberday @DrGravitas!!!!

tumblr_inline_nn2odlPR6t1qfks2t_500.gif.

Glad to hear your life is going on the track you want! 30 is a good age! Not old; still youngish. But it's ok, I like my men older.

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Anyway! Have a great one! And enjoy another year alive and I wish you many more!

Edited by Vaer
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1 hour ago, Terminal7 said:

Happy birthday! Your life became one year shorter! (JK)

 

I'm just going to ask...

Is there a reason you're not as outgoing as you want to be? 

 

I feel like it's mostly a time thing; I just don't make time for it. I tend to organize schedules and routines because I'm a sucker for them and that helps me force myself to do the things I don't always want to do as well as keep me moving forward on stuff. But, because their strength is that I have trouble breaking out of them, it is also becomes difficult to stop and do other things that I should do like going out and about. That and there's basically nothing to do around here. I have no idea where to go to meet people outside of work.

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Happy B-Day Dr Gravie, Im glad you largely feel accomplished in life more than anything. And hey look at the things your missing as goals to reach, perfection isnt achieved quite yet

Also kudos to having a good sense of humor with all these silly comments :P

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