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Feelwell

Feedback on a Short Piece?

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Alright so, I don't typically search out feedback, because honestly freely writing, creatively, doesn't come up, ever. So I resolved to write more often. Either way I designed a bit of a, scene, I suppose, and I'd love to hear thoughts, criticisms, suggestions, etc. Please be honest. Writing is below.

 

"James eased further back onto the bench, happy to finally relax. After all the work, the trials and tribulations, the fear and sadness, the hatred, the anger, it was over. The sun had just began to peek over the hills, banishing the dark and ushering in a brighter day. He smiled at the aptness of the analogy. He looked out over the piles of rubble, what used to be homes and places of work, and winced inwardly. There was always a price for change, no matter what. However, people were already starting to rebuild, and new life was sprouting everywhere. He felt they had done the right thing, and the ends justified the means. The leaves above him rustled quietly, as if in agreement with his conclusion. As the dawn’s light continued to spread, illuminating the scene, his certainty grew. James felt the doubt he had felt for so long lift from his shoulders. They had finally succeeded. This scene truly marked the dawn, of a new age."

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I'm not really sure what you're looking for in terms of feedback really. It's a paragraph. I'd say it's the start to a story, but the way it ends feels almost like the end of one. The second sentence is maybe a bit wordy, and if you wanted to change the voice up a bit, you could simplify it to, "after all the bullshit, it was finally over" but that would change the tone up a bit too. Not really sure what you're going for at this stage.

Reads well enough I suppose. I got little to bitch about other than there's little to bitch about :P

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7 hours ago, Conker said:

I'm not really sure what you're looking for in terms of feedback really. It's a paragraph. I'd say it's the start to a story, but the way it ends feels almost like the end of one. The second sentence is maybe a bit wordy, and if you wanted to change the voice up a bit, you could simplify it to, "after all the bullshit, it was finally over" but that would change the tone up a bit too. Not really sure what you're going for at this stage.

Reads well enough I suppose. I got little to bitch about other than there's little to bitch about :P

 

7 hours ago, #00Buck said:

Yeah Coker is right. It sounds like the ending of something not the beginning. 

 

Yea, I honestly just imagined a scene, and that scene just so happened to be the ending of something. How well does it paint a picture?

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It feels like too much description in what reads like the end of a story. By this stage normally we would have all the context we need. Try writing something that has more of a middle feel to it. Like the protagonist is facing a challenge rather than just having overcome one. This should give us more to examine as well as giving you more to work with.

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1 hour ago, Feelwell the Rabbit said:

 

Yea, I honestly just imagined a scene, and that scene just so happened to be the ending of something. How well does it paint a picture?

It does not paint a picture well except by saying the story is over. 

You don't really describe much of anything. 

Write something else. 

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6 hours ago, Thundeere said:

I can't read

Good, I'm spared the shyness of having someone read my work.

That being said, going to post a more complete... thing for feedback in a minute. Soon as I find some sort of site to put it on... I feel like posting an entire page of text may be, wrong.

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30 minutes ago, Feelwell the Rabbit said:

Good, I'm spared the shyness of having someone read my work.

That being said, going to post a more complete... thing for feedback in a minute. Soon as I find some sort of site to put it on... I feel like posting an entire page of text may be, wrong.

I personally won't care, but toss it on a Google doc or something if you want. Quick and easy.

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3 hours ago, Conker said:

I personally won't care, but toss it on a Google doc or something if you want. Quick and easy.

I was going to do that, but then I remembered that you can then see my gmail, and I'm not that crazy that I'd put my gmail account out to everyone.

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1 minute ago, Feelwell the Rabbit said:

I was going to do that, but then I remembered that you can then see my gmail, and I'm not that crazy that I'd put my gmail account out to everyone.

Huh. You know I've never thought about it that way, but I also don't really think anyone here will fuck with me if I drop a google doc now and then.

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3 hours ago, Conker said:

Huh. You know I've never thought about it that way, but I also don't really think anyone here will fuck with me if I drop a google doc now and then.

Alright, both the relentless march of time, my schedule, and you have convinced me.

If I get yiffy emails I will be disappointed in all of you.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1SGKWtK0hL6J2WqE2BnpQrIOsJj0o1ajsOyQ57C47UiU/edit?usp=sharing

There you go, ending is slightly rushed, because I wanted to get feedback and I am tired, my cat is making attempts at the computers power button and I need to be up tomorrow. 

Critique away!

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Now this is an improvement. A few things:

"At the front of the procession, the seventh priest, for that's what they resembled, carried a large book, with a black cover."

I think the bolded sentence is unneeded. In the context of the location and the description, adding that these men were priests of some sort seems redundant when used in this manner.

"At the front of the procession, the seventh priest carried a large book, with a black cover." Reads better.

 

"As Tim and John looked on, curious, the casket was set down just in front of the altar, from which usually the sermons would be delivered."

Way too many commas for one sentence. This is a common mistake but it's not too hard of a habit to break. You've done it a few times outside this sentence.

"As Tim and John looked on in curiosity, the casket was set down just in front of the altar from which the sermons would be delivered." Works just as well without all the unnecessary comma breaks. Nobody takes that many breaths in a single sentence.

Those things stuck out,as well as a few typos here and there. There may be more but I'd have to give it a few more reads. These will give you something to be mindful of in the meantime. As for your storytelling, you have definitely got a better feel for it in this example, Pacing works for this, makes it feel like an excerpt or a teaser for a larger story. It manages to convey the gist of the two characters we're following and an intriguing hint of just what kind of setting they are in.

Mistakes aside, if this was excerpted from a book I would be curious to learn more. So, yea. Start writing that book.

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15 hours ago, FlynnCoyote said:

Now this is an improvement. A few things:

"At the front of the procession, the seventh priest, for that's what they resembled, carried a large book, with a black cover."

I think the bolded sentence is unneeded. In the context of the location and the description, adding that these men were priests of some sort seems redundant when used in this manner.

"At the front of the procession, the seventh priest carried a large book, with a black cover." Reads better.

 

"As Tim and John looked on, curious, the casket was set down just in front of the altar, from which usually the sermons would be delivered."

Way too many commas for one sentence. This is a common mistake but it's not too hard of a habit to break. You've done it a few times outside this sentence.

"As Tim and John looked on in curiosity, the casket was set down just in front of the altar from which the sermons would be delivered." Works just as well without all the unnecessary comma breaks. Nobody takes that many breaths in a single sentence.

Those things stuck out,as well as a few typos here and there. There may be more but I'd have to give it a few more reads. These will give you something to be mindful of in the meantime. As for your storytelling, you have definitely got a better feel for it in this example, Pacing works for this, makes it feel like an excerpt or a teaser for a larger story. It manages to convey the gist of the two characters we're following and an intriguing hint of just what kind of setting they are in.

Mistakes aside, if this was excerpted from a book I would be curious to learn more. So, yea. Start writing that book.

Thanks for the feedback! The typos are because I usually write these while out and about, so it's on mobile. Something about sitting at a computer desk and writing creatively feels off to me.

The commas would be because I'm often reciting the words in my head, and that voice pauses for effect. I'll be sure to keep an eye on them though.

The priest thing was because I couldn't tell if they were obviously priests, in retrospect they are obviously priests.

Also don't laugh at the email please, it just happens to be connected to most accounts I use, and has just kinda grown to be indespensible, unless I want to spend months tracking down all the accounts and putting a new email. ._.

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