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You're A Monster


#00Buck
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Something I hear frequently when I attend parties is criticism of my behaviour. There is one person who I see when I'm at parties downtown who always joins in the conversation with me. Inevitably I'll say something that people don't like and he'll chime in saying "you're a monster!" He's sort of joking when he says it but he also clearly disapproves of whatever words just exited my mouth. Now other people don't call me a "monster" but I have been called inappropriate, rude, vulgar, gross, terrible, and a variety of other words.

I was at a party recently where I was introduced to some people I had not met before. One of them seemed very flamboyant and I immediately accused him of being a gay Jewish serial killer. We all then agreed that the Jews need their own version of Krampus the Christmas Monster because Chanukah needs to be spiced up a bit. So we decided to make up a monster which had serial killer tendencies and killed people based upon the various Jewish holidays. In the end it became an idea for a comic book.

After he left everyone said they'd suspected him of being a closeted homosexual for years but they could never tell and were too shy to ask. With a little charm and some playful banter he outed himself to me in a coy and playful way. Having answered a question that everyone had puzzled over for years the entire group felt quite satisfied. 

Then a bunch of other people showed up and started talking about things like work, the weather, and traffic. Alas there is only so much of me to go around and people remarked when the party was winding down that the best part was when I was talking talking to everyone about the Gay Jewish Krampus and generally spewing my conversational filth all over the place. When the big crowd showed up it got... Boring. 

Whenever I leave a party I'm always very sure that I'll never be invited back again. I always apologize as I'm leaving. Especially if I've taken the care to leave the car at home so I can be on my worst possible behaviour. Arriving with a very expensive bottle of single malt scotch that I know people will not be able to say no to. I'm always the first to arrive so I can stare into their eyes and ask them inappropriate questions.

I encourage people to stay out later and drink more than they should, I eat all the snacks leaving none for the next person, I play board games and intentionally play to lose while doing things that cause other people to also lose. I shamelessly flirt with any female that comes near me even in front of their boyfriends and husbands. I forget people's names and just call them "that guy" and "whats her face" while dumping on whatever hick town they grew up in and whatever kind of music they listen to and yet somehow I'm always enthusiastically invited back. Sometimes I'm shocked to find myself invited to a small party and I'm one of a handful of guests. 

The funny thing is I do sometimes feel like a monster. I know that what I say is inappropriate but it just spews out of me. I also think that even though I'm in a room full of people I still feel alone. I never make time to go to parties. When I get invited I'm always surprised to be invited and I don't really want to go. Then I end up going and having far more fun than I thought I would. Maybe I say all that stuff just to keep from talking about other things. I really can't stand talking about the weather and work and traffic. Still maybe I run my mouth and talk about inappropriate crap because if I didn't I'd end up talking about things that really make people uncomfortable. 

You know. Real things. Feelings. Experiences. The life you could have lived but failed to achieve. The people you loved that didn't deserve it. The people who loved you and who you pushed away for no good reason. 

I think not so deep down inside I'm a lonely person. I've got a lot of stuff inside to talk about and nobody to tell it to. So I let the stream of consciousness run wild because it prevents the other stuff from getting out. People don't want real conversation at a party. So I never REALLY talk to anyone. 

I've always found the most interesting part of a conversation is the things people don't say. 

I often wonder what people think about what I'm not saying. 

Blah... Blah... Blah...

 

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You're a monster 

I think people probably invite you back because you sound quite interesting to be around. Your perception of your actions is often not the one others have.

I think everybody at times has those feelings of having deeper things they want to say but are too shy, not comfortable/confident enough, etc.

On one hand, it's good to know what topics are appropriate for certain situations. Dark talk is not party talk.

But on the other hand, it's not good to keep it all trapped inside. Your innards will atrophy.

I'm glad you've been sharing some of your thoughts around here. It's a great outlet and it's genuinely interesting for us to read/discuss.

Don't be lonely.

petting fish.gif

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I don't know, man. You're incredibly interesting. Fun. Even really nice. I've wondered a bit about the person behind the posts, though. Every little bit I've seen you open up about in my short time here have been the things I truly respect you for. 

I'm not going to make a long winded post. I just want to say I'm genuinely interested in all things you have to say. 

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Monster? No. A tad crazy? Seems fair.

When I was a child I used to just blurt out random stuff too, not really thinking before speaking. I'm not sure what triggered me to stop honestly, maybe just enough people being disgusted by me and finally starting to feel embarrassment for what I said. Now I'm pretty much the exact opposite, only speaking when I absolutely need to because I fear the embarrassment or rejection. I don't want to go back to that crazy state I used to be in, but I don't much care for this either.

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How dare you not pander to everyone and engratiate yourself upon them?  Don't you know that everyone is a special butterfly with important and valid feelings that shouldn't questioned?  If I ever see you at a party I will be sure to buy you a stiff drink and talk about the weather.  

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13 hours ago, root said:

You haven't been punched in the face yet?

Interestingly enough no. I think this has to do with the number of beta males in society these days. I've given back rubs to women in full view of their husbands while they moan with pleasure and comment that "my husband never does anything this nice for me." I'm always getting them drinks and listening to them talk about things they would never tell their boyfriends. As I stare deep into their eyes I do sometimes wonder if a massive roundhouse punch is coming at the side of my head like a jumbo jet.

But... It hasn't happened yet and it has been a long time since I've been in a fight. I'm not a classic alpha male. I'm more of a lower case alpha male. I'm content to let other people run around being dominant. They're usually dominating things that don't have any importance to me. When it matters that is when I step up. I do have to say I adore women and female beauty. I live in a city so there isn't much natural beauty around. The only beauty I see is fancy things and pretty girls and the occasional flower or butterfly. 

11 hours ago, Kinare said:

Monster? No. A tad crazy? Seems fair.

When I was a child I used to just blurt out random stuff too, not really thinking before speaking. I'm not sure what triggered me to stop honestly, maybe just enough people being disgusted by me and finally starting to feel embarrassment for what I said. Now I'm pretty much the exact opposite, only speaking when I absolutely need to because I fear the embarrassment or rejection. I don't want to go back to that crazy state I used to be in, but I don't much care for this either.

Being crazy is a label which society applies carefully. I'm not poor enough to be crazy. On the other hand I'm not wealthy enough to be eccentric which is just another word for a crazy person who has lots of money. For the rich and the poor craziness isn't seen as a choice. It is seen as a condition of who you are. The rich and poor don't need excuses to act badly.

For middle class people behaviour is all seen as chosen. Even if you are diagnosed as mentally ill and prescribed medication for it nobody would ever be so rude as to call you crazy. Even if by your own personal definition you feel you are. The funny thing is that mental illness is very common these days. At any given party I'll be one of a few people who are not diagnosed mentally ill or on medication. I guess if I was being medicated for a mental illness people would excuse my behaviour. Since I am not I'm held fully accountable for it. I think that is crazy. 

13 hours ago, Falaffel said:

I don't know, man. You're incredibly interesting. Fun. Even really nice. I've wondered a bit about the person behind the posts, though. Every little bit I've seen you open up about in my short time here have been the things I truly respect you for. 

I'm not going to make a long winded post. I just want to say I'm genuinely interested in all things you have to say. 

Yeah, me too. I wonder if they are making this all up. 

 

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@#00Buck

Being yourself is sometimes the hardest thing to do.

For most of my life I have been acting in ways I truly despise, being loud with little to say and a very annoying way to say them. In the past it cost me the respect of those I care very much for, and honestly has cost me some amazing experiences.

For me, it was a mixture of not knowing how to be myself and not being able to deal with things like depression as myself, but rather a fool.

It's hard to change, but you have to at somepoint. You have to say what you need to say and act like yourself because the alternative is being some kind of prisoner in your body.

Since @WolfNightV4X1 has come over I went from crass and fake to being... myself. I mean, I still find it hard to speak like myself but atleast the things I say are not far from me.

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51 minutes ago, #00Buck said:

Yeah, me too. I wonder if they are making this all up. 

Haha, I feel you. Figuring out yourself can be difficult. I have problems with it, too. I just strive to put out my true feelings often. I've found it feels legitimately good to spill your heart every once in a while. 

I gotta ask, though. How much does this all bother you? 

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35 minutes ago, Falaffel said:

Haha, I feel you. Figuring out yourself can be difficult. I have problems with it, too. I just strive to put out my true feelings often. I've found it feels legitimately good to spill your heart every once in a while. 

I gotta ask, though. How much does this all bother you? 

Only when I attend parties and only some of the time. It's kind of like a bad background noise to what's going on. It feels worst when I leave because I always think I'm not going to be invited back. It isn't terrible though just sort of a nagging kind of thing. 

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So you ask intrusive questions in person too, aye? I know you do this in the cooking chat now and then, but I've never really found them offensive. You seem genuinely curious and not just looking to make things awkward, though sometimes that happens.

/shrug

You're interesting to be around, at least based on my experiences. That's more than most people can say.

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Mmmm, I have to say I respect the depth to your character. Youre not just that goofball on the outside, and your posting pretty much reflects what you just stated here.

 

I actually enjoy crude or dark humor myself, the caveat being that no harm is intended and it is meant in a specific way that is not intended vitriol. Its fine as long as no one is hurt, keep that in mind. You can really be a monster if you say something harmful.

 

That being said, the buck that first joined was a classic crass troll with random humor that I tentatively took at humor value, anyone else who meant harm I could tell. And y'know its funny when you do it, because I know that deep down in conversations like this its harmless and you just have a good time.

 

TL;DR: Don't worry bud, you're cool. But if you manage to have a heart-to-heart with someone, do it. It will help.

Not only that but you sound like a collected human being who is fun at parties, try being someone dysfunctional in social contexts :V Trust me people like me are due for a weekly Phoenix suicide thread

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A lot of us wonder who we are inside. 

There are some of us, like myself and I'm hypothesizing you, will never know who we are. Are we a shadow of a human being? Are we a puppet to our surroundings? OR are we an interloper in the normal sphere of the world?

In a weird way, its comforting to know everyone else has these feelings. In another weird way, its bone crushingly awful to know that your experience is yet another in thousands. Millions. Uniqueness is something we covet, but when introduced to, reject. And when someone goes to a party, its a new struggle to find the equilibrium of "normal, but not too normal. Funny, but not too funny. Unique...but not too unique." 

I like to think I have an interesting perspective of human interaction. You know how when you have a baby, doctors say to always talk to it? Take it to meet other babies? I never had that. My mom and I were on our own until I was 8. I was in solitary until I was 12. My entire life, I had two years of solid normalcy- from birth till two years old. Then my parents divorced. My mother- seriously mentally broken with bipolar and a host of mommy issues, crammed into a hot body that had men doing whatever she wanted, my mother and I flitted into people's lives- mostly adults- for almost a decade. I never got to hang out with children. All of my friends were my dolls, or the adults that were trying to woo my mother by getting to me. We moved every three months. By the time I got into fifth grade, I had been in 30+ school districts. I knew by then I was a drifer, nothing is permanent.. but then by some strange reason, my mother chose to settle down.

In fifth grade, I didn't know how to talk to children. I spoke to them like adults- I asked why bullies picked on a girl when they themselves were fat, or had an ugly feature. I asked why adults spoke down to us, but expected us to ask questions in an adult manner. I asked many uncomfortable questions because I hadn't yet grown up in an environment that teaches the social cues a young child needs to have. I didn't grow up knowing how to talk to my peers. After getting bulllid mercilessly, and my mother finding adults that wanted me to be their friend- drinking, joking, cursing along with them as young as 14- I needed to find an outlet to be an adult without the weird limitations of a minor. I turned to adult chatrooms (funfact: how I got into the fandom. 14 years old but a "19 year old from rhode island".) But as I kept on the chat, I learned that I needed to blend in with my peers to make the next few years bearable. SO I did.

I watched all the pop culture things, past and present. I educated myself on the trends, the language. I watched girls in my similar social caste interact with other girls. I listened to the bands that were popular, movies that made the regular people enjoy them- it was all a big game, or a huge assignment. And by graduating high school, I was finally acclimated. Of course, it didn't feel real. I ddn't feel real- I was an amalgam of my studies and nothing more. Nothing was genuine about me. The only parts that were genine were the things I did in my spare time, when I wasn't out in public.

Today, I have a better grasp of who I am, I like to think. I'm intelligent, funny, empathetic. I am also arrogant, mean spirited and insecure. I've been told I'm uncomfortably self aware by many seniors of mine. 

I'd like to make some guesses, now. I'm probably totally wrong, but I like to think what I say has merit. When you got to this forum, buck, you adopted the troll persona. Trolls are a dime a dozen, replaceable. You were very close to being banned, I'm sure, by the old moderation team. And I'm sure you expected that. But for some reason, who chose to shed it. It started in small doses, but then you start doing these intimate threads where you really ask yourself, "what am I doing? who am I?" Zara's got the same deal you have- your troll personas get exhausting after a while. Its so hard to maintain the carefree, snarky, happy-go-lucky guy when you're a real person inside. You have humanities inside you that after a while, start to hurt to repress even in small ways. And right now in a weird way, you're kinda hurting from it since the forum is a lot like the parties you visited. 

"You're a monster" stung. Or it stuck. There's a reason that prompted you to post this. Lots of us here will say you're lovely based on what they've seen, but I try to reserve compliments when I start to genuinely know the person. Anyone can pretend on a forum. Its when you post stuff like this that you get a glimpse of the humanity inside of you. I got glimpses when you privately message me- there's something I've done or said that showed you a glimpse of my humanity. A lot of folks here seek me out for these reasons- the difference is that I've accepted that my poignant questions, my straight forwardness- that's no longer an act. That's just who I am as a person; straightforward. 

AFter a certain point, you're no longer an act. Its just who you are. And you're a straightforward guy with a fucked up sense of humor. There's a lot of folks like that- I am. My boyfriend is- he has to be, he's a friggin paramedic. I have to be because I've experienced certain tragedies that will consume me if I ddidntt learn how to laugh at 'em. 

Questions- threads like these, end with an unspoken, uncomfortable question. Who am I to you, to myself? Why do i do this? Do I have an inherent fear of being liked? Do I feel like the monster like that guy called me? Or is it even more uncomfortable questions like, "Why do I act this way? Do I want people to see me as ugly as I see myself?" Thats a thought I had a ton. 

At the end of this, I can totally be off base. You could scoff at the other end of your screen and write me off as a chick in way over her head, or an arrogant bitch, or a drama cow as I've been affectionately called. All I know is that I want to extend an olive branch to the person you'd like to be- at the forums, at those parties, in life. You as you are is fine. You have nothing to worry about. In closing, I leave you with this observation.

You ever notice in fairytails, the monster is the only truthful one in them? They act concisely and faithfully with their beliefs. They are always truthful. The real villains end up being the people that were previously normal. See: Mobs. I like to think that being a monster is preferable to being a liar in human skin. 

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Wow Lemon I'm not sure I'm up to the task of responding to your post but I will try. I think I speak on behalf of most people on this forum when I say we are honoured that you share yourself so openly. Hearing your story makes me want to give you a big hug. You show bravery, humility, intelligence, determination, toughness, and self-awareness. I like who you are and the journey that is your life is what made you into the person you are today. I like people who have gone through some kind of hardship or challenge in life. 

I used to sit up late at night and read all kinds of science fiction and horror novels. I remember staying up late and scaring myself reading H.P. Lovecraft and Robert E Howe. I lived in a very scary house and sometimes the animals living in the walls would make noises and I'd get a jolt of fear. There is a certain thrill to thinking that something is sneaking up on you in the dark or hiding in your closet. I didn't have to worry about monsters under my bed because my mattress sat directly on the floor. 

When I got older University ruined reading for me. Being forced to read all day every day was too much to take. These days I might read one book a year. Not long after I graduated my mom of all people bought me a book from a used book store in the neighbourhood. They had a really good selection of books and they recommended a book by Henry Rollins. I don't recall the name of the book but it was a collection of short stories. The important thing is that there was one story in it called "The Iron."

You can easily find this story online and read it for free. I highly recommend it to anyone as it is one of the most inspirational pieces of writing I have ever read. Best of all it is the true story of a person laying the foundation of what would become a career of chasing their dreams and becoming a self made man in the world of entertainment. Henry Rollins went from a nobody to being the front man for Black Flag to being a punk rock icon all because of lifting weights. In short the story is about fitness but there is more to it than that. 

The part that stuck with me is the part where he talks about the weight not wanting to be lifted. If you tried to lift the weights and they just flew up to the ceiling you wouldn't get any stronger. The fact that the weight was resisting you and pushing down on you was what made you strong. That which resists you and that which you struggle against ultimately make you a greater person. This means that ultimately we are defined in life by our enemies. 

At times I think I owe a greater debt of gratitude to my enemies than to people who have been kind and helpful to me. My enemies have brought me pain, stress, and misery. But resisting them has made me strong and it is my strength that has allowed me to survive for as long as I have. I didn't have as tough a childhood as you did but I think you and I did the same thing every day... 

You and I have been mentally and emotionally bench pressing four hundred pounds all day every day since we were children. 

That is what has made you who you are today. That is a strength that only comes from fighting the things that try and hold you down. This is the gift that a hard life gives you. It won't bring you happiness but it will bring you the strength to overcome the things that stop a normal person in their tracks. There is a kind of forced discipline to living that kind of life. Every day you have to make the choice. Do I give up or do I keep going? One choice every day. The same choice every day. 

I'd like to think that if I ever got to meet you that we'd get along and like each other. If we spent enough time together I'd want to be your friend and ultimately get to a place where I could tell you that I love you and you'd feel the same way. I certainly think you've earned the right to be loved. I'm all about the love. It is the worlds greatest renewable resource. 

I don't have a troll persona. I am very troll like in real life. It is how I really am and I do like to take cheap shots at everyone and everything. I also like to make fun of things as often as possible. There are two things that are great to use if you want to destroy a lie. The first is truth. The second is laughter. A lie can't stand up to either of those things. As for getting banned I've always been hated by people in any position of authority. I'm regularly followed and harassed by the police. I'm the guy who always gets patted down and searched when going into the club. Everyone thinks I look like trouble. 

I don't want to blow too much sunshine up your ass. Just like me you are a flawed person but you're working on it. That's something to be proud of. My ego never gets too big because life just comes and takes a giant shit on me every now and then. I like your final paragraph about fairytale monsters. I also don't know why I started posting these threads but I like the effect they are having. 

Vulnerability. You think being vulnerable would make it easier to attack someone but when someone opens up like you did I just can't do it. Every time someone here opens up it makes them human and fragile and real. It is refreshing and I'd like to thank everyone who has been sharing their thoughts and experiences lately. I really appreciate you. 

Aren't you glad you decided to stay? 

 

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