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Relationships (Closed or Open)


Relationships (Open or Closed)  

40 members have voted

  1. 1. Which?

    • Open
      14
    • Closed
      26


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I tend to avoid open relationships because I'm an extremely possessive and jealous bitch

I do a lot of flirting online and whatnot, as most of you are aware, but I generally set myself in person aside for him and only him because I'm a sappy fag like that

Also I had a really bad experience with open relationships that ended up destroying me so they leave bad tastes in my mouth

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I have troubles saying, I'd fursonally consider it closed.

Both of us are very flirtatious people in general but I really have no desire to have sex without him and hold some intimate value to sex. Although sex is certainly not a massively important part of our relationship, we look forward to many things just as much, it's kind of another fun thing we do together. But in the end I know we're completely dedicated to eachother, I just have different stances on it and views.

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3 hours ago, Zaraphayx said:

I consider relationships and sex to be something with a necessary overlap but minimal mutual exclusivity.

I have sex with people I like because I enjoy their company and sex is one of the most carnally pleasurable experiences humans can have. I dislike the idea of holding someone's sexuality hostage under threat of discontinued association or implied animosity. I am sympathetic to people who desire pair-bonding and I would even say that I can relate to the desire to an extent.

People talk about having trust issues with non-monogamous partners, but I can't imagine anything that would make me feel more suspicious of someone than holding them to a constant threat of disassociation should they "betray" me by failing to stifle their wishes. I want to be able to have discussions about sexual topics, be flirtatious, and even display overt sexual interest in someone else without bubbling up feelings of jealousy in an intimate partner, it always seemed implicitly true to me that if I consider us "in a relationship" that I value your intimate company over other people regardless of my sexual indulgences.

I speak has someone who has always been up front about non-commitment to sexual exclusivity while being functionally sexually exclusive for 70% of my adult life though, so there it is.

Edit: I don't think I could handle multiple "[gender]friends" or anything like that though. I have enough problems with managing the emotional baggage most people bring with them into relationships without expanding upon the problem with additional variables.

I have gotta say I didn't expect that from you, Zara.

And that's a pretty good way to look at it.

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5 hours ago, PastryOfApathy said:

It's...weird.

Like both of us have hit on multiple people, and we have an odd 3-way relationship with someone in a pre-existing relationship. But it's all online so it doesn't really count, except it does but it also doesn't.

Man, relationships are hard.

Relationships are hard. However, an online LDR is no less real than anything else. 
I know that doesn't necessarily apply to you, maybe, but I just want it to be clear that a LDR is a real relationship :3

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22 minutes ago, Falaffel said:

Relationships are hard. However, an online LDR is no less real than anything else. 
I know that doesn't necessarily apply to you, maybe, but I just want it to be clear that a LDR is a real relationship :3

Oh I know, what I meant to say was in terms of cyber sex not being "real" sex...because it isn't lol.

Seriously, there's at least 5 different people now who want to fuck me.

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1 minute ago, PastryOfApathy said:

Oh I know, what I meant to say was in terms of cyber sex not being "real" sex...because it isn't lol.

Seriously like there's at least 5 different people now who want to fuck me.

S'fair. I wasn't aiming at you, really. 

also hot :v

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2 hours ago, Falaffel said:

However, an online LDR is no less real than anything else.

Is this an online relationship, as in "I've never actually met the person"?

Until you meet the person you can't be sure what it would be like when you are physically together.

Until you actually move in with that person, you can't be sure what it would be like living with them.

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5 minutes ago, Ricky said:

Is this an online relationship, as in "I've never actually met the person"?

Until you meet the person you can't be sure what it would be like when you are physically together.

Until you actually move in with that person, you can't be sure what it would be like living with them.

well yeah obviously but like

a relationship can be real without having physical aspects to it. There are certain people who don't view physicality as being important in their relationships, even in "real life" dating

and well... there are all sorts of relationships that exist where the two people dating don't live together

like your points are sound, it's hard to know what a person is like physically until you've been physical with them, and it's hard to know what living with a person is like without living with them, but they don't really refute the suggestion that you're quoting, that an online LDR is no less real than anything else

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14 minutes ago, Ricky said:

Is this an online relationship, as in "I've never actually met the person"?

Until you meet the person you can't be sure what it would be like when you are physically together.

Until you actually move in with that person, you can't be sure what it would be like living with them.

I'm actually quoting for posterity. I had a lot of young LDRs where I daydreamed about living with them as soon as I could. It wasn't until I was in my current relationship (started when I was 18) where I realized that for all I know about a person online, a person can't tell me the things they're shitty at when it comes to chores or responsibilities, or how they are with money, or how they handle stress, how the argue, shit like that. There's an entire dimension of a person you are missing when you only interact online. Its why I advocate for people in LDRs to meet at a hotel at least once or twice before you plan to move your entire life around one way or the other-- especially those in international LDRs.

 When it comes to my current, much more serious, I-am-living-with-this-guy-and-we-are-getting-married, we started dating seriously and monogamously when I arrived in his state. However, even though we knew eachother for three years prior to myself moving up, I insisted on living on my own. I needed to figure out how to survive on my own without living with my parents or getting their help. It wasn't until I was out of the dorms AND lived by myself without roommates for a year that I moved in with CapnCrosseye, purely because you should also learn independantly on how to be an adult. It sounds like it'll draw things out and... yeah, it will, but having autonomy and responsibility down pat will make your partner coming to live with you 1000% less stressful when you both know what its like to live on your own. At least, that advice is for people who are in the states. For people in international LDRs, I'd suggest them to take month long vists at eachothers house (wihen they don't live in a dorm or with their parents) to get used to living together. In passed LDRs, we called it "playing house". 

Like.. at its base, I want LDR couples to succeed and make it, but I also want to encourage them to do it responsibly. There's nothing worse than jumping from your parents place, to your boyfriend's place, to a a shitty situation if you guys break up and you have no idea how to live on your own. Its happened to a lot of domestic couples, actually, even without LDRs. People who divorce after being together for 20 years, married-right-out-of-high-school now have themselves with a 20 year work gap because all they ddi was child rear, and are fucked after the divorce. People need to seek out more autonomy so that the success of their relationships are more probable. 

EDIT: I may have misunderstood Ricky's point. I don't think he was saying LDR Nevermets aren't relationships, but instead saying that there's a lot of things you don't know about your partner in an LDR till you meet them. 

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Just now, Ricky said:

Is this an online relationship, as in "I've never actually met the person"?

Until you meet the person you can't be sure what it would be like when you are physically together.

Until you actually move in with that person, you can't be sure what it would be like living with them.

If you're going to tell me that a LDR in any shape or form is not an actual relationship, I do not wish to argue with you. I save my breath, or in this case, my fingers, for people are respectful with their opinions. You usually not one of those people within arguments. 

However, I will still answer your question so that you may talk at me if you please. 

Yes. Even "I've never actually met this person" is a real relationship. With real feelings. I would respect you not shit on that, thanks. 
See, you can find love with someone's personality. You can learn who a person is, so long as they're willing to share, really. There are even plenty of ways to simulate what a real conversation would be like. I find that calls, especially video, tend to bring out how a person really acts. 'Course, you can't feel them, but that's whatever. This is why, in a good relationship, the two parties work to be together in a real-life manner. 

You may have to visit them in person to find out if you can be together with them or not, but not everyone does. Please refrain from doing anything more than stating your opinion which you follow. Do not come and tell me, or anyone else, they're wrong because you're incapable of it. Thanks. 

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Just now, Lucyfish said:

I moved in with blackfuredfox, who many people may know from FAF or GTWF.

Our relationship is pretty much perfect. We never fight, we do everything for each other, etc. etc.

LDR's can definitely work.

I actually don't think that was Ricky's point, but I may be wrong. Its more being cautious before you throw yourself in a lease with someone. Y'know, taking care of your own stuff, finances, whathaveyou. It of course has varying degrees of success, just like all relationships do, but I'm firmly in the camp of "Think logically, fueled by love" approach instead of, "love first, logistics later" approaches. 

 I've also been told I'm practical to infuriating degrees, but hey. 

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Just now, Lemon said:

I actually don't think that was Ricky's point, but I may be wrong. Its more being cautious before you throw yourself in a lease with someone. Y'know, taking care of your own stuff, finances, whathaveyou. It of course has varying degrees of success, just like all relationships do, but I'm firmly in the camp of "Think logically, fueled by love" approach instead of, "love first, logistics later" approaches. 

 I've also been told I'm practical to infuriating degrees, but hey. 

True, the way we did it wasn't exactly smart. At the time, I was desperate for a change and she was desperate for keeping me from committing suicide, so we threw all caution to the wind.

However, it did work out very well in the end, so it's a grey area.

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5 minutes ago, Lucyfish said:

True, the way we did it wasn't exactly smart. At the time, I was desperate for a change and she was desperate for keeping me from committing suicide, so we threw all caution to the wind.

However, it did work out very well in the end, so it's a grey area.

At that point I would say it was a happy accident instead of rule of thumb. 

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58 minutes ago, Another Ampers& said:

a relationship can be real without having physical aspects to it. There are certain people who don't view physicality as being important in their relationships, even in "real life" dating

Anyone who says that is kidding themselves, or trying to kid others by sounding less emotionally shallow than they really are. OF COURSE there is a physical component to love and anyone who says otherwise should try waking up next to this woman. She has a great personality! :V

4968629865_1e605f1c8b.jpg

54 minutes ago, Falaffel said:

If you're going to tell me that a LDR in any shape or form is not an actual relationship, I do not wish to argue with you. I save my breath, or in this case, my fingers, for people are respectful with their opinions. You usually not one of those people within arguments. 

First of all, I never said that. Second of all, opinions aren't respectful. They are opinions. Intentionally saying things that make others feel good instead of what you actually feel is lying as well as counterproductive.

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54 minutes ago, Ricky said:

Anyone who says that is kidding themselves, 

You're the one kidding himself, mate. You believe that because you're not capable of something, it therefore can't be done by anyone else.  

55 minutes ago, Ricky said:

First of all, I never said that. Second of all, opinions aren't respectful. They are opinions. Intentionally saying things that make others feel good instead of what you actually feel is lying as well as counterproductive.

You can be respectful with your opinions.

You can voice them in a respectful manner in which doesn't purposely step on other's toes. You can also voice them as opinions , not facts. 

You consistently fail at both of these.

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41 minutes ago, Falaffel said:

You're the one kidding himself, mate. You believe that because you're not capable of something, it therefore can't be done by anyone else.

No, I say that because these reactions have been studied in people and that's simply not the way it works. Many people care less about physical and more about emotional attraction, but it's never purely emotional. Everyone who says "looks don't matter" is full of shit.

41 minutes ago, Falaffel said:

You can voice them in a respectful manner in which doesn't purposely step on other's toes.

Show me one time when I did that.

There isn't any reason for me to.

I'm not emotionally invested in the conversations I have here, aside from one person.

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14 minutes ago, Ricky said:

No, I say that because these reactions have been studied in people and that's simply not the way it works. Many people care less about physical and more about emotional attraction, but it's never purely emotional. Everyone who says "looks don't matter" is full of shit.

cough Asexuals exist. 

Also, get out of here what that "studies show" shit if you're not even going to share a credible study. 

14 minutes ago, Ricky said:

Show me one time when I did that.

There isn't any reason for me to.

I'm not emotionally invested in the conversations I have here, aside from one person.

You told me you argue to piss people here off. That came from you, directly. 

The fact that you're even trying play that off AMAZES me. You're really something, mate. 

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12 minutes ago, Falaffel said:

You told me you argue to piss people here off. That came from you, directly. 

he did argue in favour of making an extreme counterargument to offset too one sided of a discussion, so fal is kinda right here

 

but i'm just a dog what do i know ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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16 minutes ago, Falaffel said:

You told me you argue to piss people here off. That came from you, directly.

No, I only argue when I know that I'm right. The fact I say things that piss people off and the fact I think it's funny are not cause an effect.

23 minutes ago, evan said:

he did argue in favour of making an extreme counterargument to offset too one sided of a discussion, so fal is kinda right here

That's not to piss anyone off, it's to balance out a one-sided argument.

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4 hours ago, Falaffel said:

cough Asexuals exist.

I'm asexual, and looks matter to me. A lot.

There's a lot of factors in it, but to put it simply:
I may not find people attractive, but that doesn't stop me finding people repulsive. I can also see specific traits - facial structure and shape, skin quality, and so on - so just because I don't necessarily find people attractive, I can still see if someone would be considered attractive or not.

I'm also somewhat shallow, and care a lot about personal health. People who don't care about it and aren't willing to work to improve themselves, which generally means they'll physically look more attractive too (if they don't go overboard), aren't people I care to dedicate my time to in a relationship.

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Lets try this again. Back on topic:

1 hour ago, ChaosCalix said:

I'm asexual, and looks matter to me. A lot.

There's a lot of factors in it, but to put it simply:
I may not find people attractive, but that doesn't stop me finding people repulsive. I can also see specific traits - facial structure and shape, skin quality, and so on - so just because I don't necessarily find people attractive, I can still see if someone would be considered attractive or not.

I'm also somewhat shallow, and care a lot about personal health. People who don't care about it and aren't willing to work to improve themselves, which generally means they'll physically look more attractive too (if they don't go overboard), aren't people I care to dedicate my time to in a relationship.

I agree that the idea of people saying, "visuals don't matter" are lying to themselves, or are trying to get good-guy points. Humans, no matter their sexuality, are at base shallow creatures for certain things. You're more amenable to helping a pretty girl than a guy with, say, a facial deformity if they ask you for change on the street. 

2 minutes ago, ShioBear said:

valid? nope sorry tumblr is not science. ban me cunt. this place is cancer. peace! also there are only 2 genders :D

 

I hope you've enjoyed your short stay on the forums. One day, I'm sure you'll find something better to do with your life. 

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1 minute ago, Lemon said:

Lets try this again. Back on topic:

I agree that the idea of people saying, "visuals don't matter" are lying to themselves, or are trying to get good-guy points. Humans, no matter their sexuality, are at base shallow creatures for certain things. You're more amenable to helping a pretty girl than a guy with, say, a facial deformity if they ask you for change on the street. 

Aye. It's true. Of course you'd want a healthy individual. I'll concede a bit of what I said in favor of this. Or most of what I said. 
Some amount of what I said in order to not be contradictory. 

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Closed.

Honestly, from checking around, a lot of people seem to get hurt in open relationships. And the terms of open-ended seems to be 'One has sex simply because the other doesn't care much for it' from what I've seen myself in this fandom. Which is understandable, yeah, but this fandom has some gnarly STDs in it. Not to mention some people you fuck around with in this fandom might've picked up something fetchy from that one fur who fucked Chase (who we all know, has had sex with Fido the 'Its Okay To Sex It Cause Its Legal Here' dog). Open relationships being such a big thing in this fandom are also why "Free HIV/AIDS" checkups are a legit thing at furry conventions. Some food for thought.

 

It's something to look out for health wise. I don't think open-ended is healthy for a future together with someone really, but then again, I'm pretty old fashioned. But I will say this: Wedding day seems like it has a lot more significance to it than to those in an open ended relationship. Then again, I'm pretty sure open ended people don't care much for getting married or w/e.

 

Furries are kind of gross in that sense, but to each their own. If you really need to go fucking around outside your relationship to be truly satisfied, I want to say that says something about you. But again, to each their own. 

 

As for looks not mattering much, I want to say it does matter. Hygene and health wise, it tells a lot about a person on how much effort they go into maintaining a presentable appearence. Overdoing it on making yourself look pretty also says a lot. There's a fine medium. But again, a lot of people use that "looks dont matter' argument as an excuse to enable themselves to be super ugly.

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11 hours ago, Ricky said:

Anyone who says that is kidding themselves, or trying to kid others by sounding less emotionally shallow than they really are. OF COURSE there is a physical component to love and anyone who says otherwise should try waking up next to this woman. She has a great personality! :V

I'll fully admit that I'm a very physically affectionate person, it's why I throw asterisks around like ninja stars with anyone I'm close with online

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ is a really good site that outlines the 5 different ways you can show affection, and has a little test to rank each of the 5 for you

For me for instance I rank Quality time first, then physical intimacy, then words of affirmation. For some people though, physical intimacy (not just sex, but the act of touching in general, hugging, kissing etc) can be lower on the list. A person who identifies as ace for instance, or a person who has been assaulted in such a way that those sorts of acts become uncomfortable for them

Of course physical intimacy is A PART of relationships,  but it doesn't have to be so important that it invalidates the possibility of online LDR. I stand by the point I was defending, that online LDR isn't less real than any other form of relationship. To me a relationship is just mutually held feelings, how could that not be real?

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Well gee, I dunno', is a relationship really all that special if it's open season? I suppose a relationship could work with more people involved, but I wouldn't call it love, since I believe love can only exist between two people at a time. If someone wants to open the doors for others, then I think that's because those they do love aren't satisfying them enough, which is why they'd seek others to satisfy them.

Overall, if someone and their partners need other people to come in instead of bothering with this fantastic social invention called "communication", then I believe that just makes for a toxic life for all involved.

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The results for this have been very...interesting. More near even than I expected.

To throw my two cents in on the whole long distance deal, I'm in a ldr and my bf and I communicate everyday we can, whether through IM or on voice when watch streams together. We've had long talks about how we plan to meet up and the steps needed to get there but until then, we still take of each other.

And through a not so great experience, I found that open relationship weren't my thing. As others in this thread have said, it really does feel like there are favorites and a third wheel. It doesn't feel as..intimate at that point when more people jump in.

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24 minutes ago, Ricky said:

It's as real as "virtual" can be :V

but given that the perception of a person is the sole basis for what can be considered "real", could one not argue that a virtual existence having an affect on a persons emotions and perceptions should therefor be considered real?

It could be argued that literally everything you see on the internet is "real" in so far as your own perception of it is concerned. Not just the dialogues between two people on social media, their skype calls, their commissioned couples art, but anything else that you perceive and becomes registered

I mean we're having a "real" debate in virtual space aren't we? Would you argue that it would be any more real should I be closer to you, laying back in my seat and twirling my hair in my finger? You might note the bend of my neck, the deepness of my eyes, perhaps the nature of the setting, but aren't all these additions entirely superfluous?

I think there are certain unnecessary details that you personally require, and are projecting onto others

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19 minutes ago, Another Ampers& said:

I mean we're having a "real" debate in virtual space aren't we? Would you argue that it would be any more real should I be closer to you, laying back in my seat and twirling my hair in my finger? You might note the bend of my neck, the deepness of my eyes, perhaps the nature of the setting, but aren't all these additions entirely superfluous?

For a debate, sure. Relationships are a bit different. Do I think physical contact is superfluous in a relationship? Of course not. I think it's necessary. That doesn't mean two people can't be in a LDR and keep it together if they like each other enough to make it work, but a relationship lacking physical contact is not the same thing thing as one that's not, and saying otherwise is either being naive or in denial.

There are significant measurable responses couples have with physical contact. Not having that is lacking something, ergo not the same thing.

Sorry :c

11 hours ago, willow said:

tumblr_nimk8a4sij1skru9ro1_500.gif

Eat THAT, bitch >:3

5 hours ago, Toshabi said:

Closed.

Honestly, from checking around, a lot of people seem to get hurt in open relationships. And the terms of open-ended seems to be 'One has sex simply because the other doesn't care much for it' from what I've seen myself in this fandom. Which is understandable, yeah, but this fandom has some gnarly STDs in it. Not to mention some people you fuck around with in this fandom might've picked up something fetchy from that one fur who fucked Chase (who we all know, has had sex with Fido the 'Its Okay To Sex It Cause Its Legal Here' dog). Open relationships being such a big thing in this fandom are also why "Free HIV/AIDS" checkups are a legit thing at furry conventions.

I can tell you haven't had sex with many furries :V

I'm living statistical proof that isn't the case. Actually, I've often wondered if I was just lucky, but the fandumb is pretty small and such a tightly-knit community where everyone knows one another, that it provides a certain level of safety in itself. That's not to say there isn't risk but having sex with people that you know is a lot safer than doing it with random strangers.

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5 minutes ago, Ricky said:

For a debate, sure. Relationships are a bit different. Do I think physical contact is superfluous in a relationship? Of course not. I think it's necessary. That doesn't mean two people can't be in a LDR and keep it together if they like each other enough to make it work, but a relationship lacking physical contact is not the same thing thing as one that's not, and saying otherwise is either being naive or in denial.

There are significant measurable responses couples have with physical contact. Not having that is lacking something, ergo not the same thing.

Sorry :c

would you not say that for at least some people physical contact isn't a priority though? Would someone who goes on dates with a person in person but does not want or care for and actively avoids physical intimacy not "be real" to you?

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2 hours ago, Half-Note said:

since I believe

Key words right there.

2 hours ago, Half-Note said:

is a relationship really all that special if it's open season?

You act like an open relationship equates to "Come one, come all". I'm in one, and it's nothing like that. At all.

In my relationship (clarifying specifically, since I can't speak for everyone, obviously), we don't just bring on people just because we feel like it. Hell, 7~8 months in, and we still have no full time extra partner/s, only "throwaway extras", for lack of a better term. They know what the deal is, and they never signed up for anything serious. And that's kind of the point. And if we were to bring in another person? It'd have to be after a long and hard discussion between the three of us, to make sure we're all on the same page.

2 hours ago, Half-Note said:

If someone wants to open the doors for others, then I think that's because those they do love aren't satisfying them enough, which is why they'd seek others to satisfy them.

Overall, if someone and their partners need other people to come in instead of bothering with this fantastic social invention called "communication", then I believe that just makes for a toxic life for all involved.

I would argue that being in a healthy open relationship requires MORE communication. You know. Since I'm in one and you aren't. There are a lot of reasons you might want to be with more than one person, and I'm not going to go into all of them (frankly, I don't think I COULD list all of them even if I tried). Assuming that people who would like to be with more than one person can't communicate properly with each other, and that it'd lead to a 'toxic life for all involved', is incredibly short sighted of you.

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23 minutes ago, Another Ampers& said:

would you not say that for at least some people physical contact isn't a priority though? Would someone who goes on dates with a person in person but does not want or care for and actively avoids physical intimacy not "be real" to you?

Avoids it because it's a first date? Or avoids it, altogether?

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who avoids physical contact altogether, and that would just be weird.

If you're asking if I think it's important to have sex on the first date, well of course not.

That's obviously stretching it a bit, but you get my point.

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14 minutes ago, Ricky said:

Avoids it because it's a first date? Or avoids it, altogether?

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who avoids physical contact altogether, and that would just be weird.

If you're asking if I think it's important to have sex on the first date, well of course not.

That's obviously stretching it a bit, but you get my point.

you're avoiding the question. I don't care if you personally wouldn't want to go on a date with someone who dislikes physical contact

I'm asking you if you think any relationship of that nature would be "unreal"

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Just now, Ricky said:

"Relationship" can mean a lot of different things. I have a relationship with my parents.

You have a relationship with those you hate, just not a very good one :V

you're once again avoiding my question

but that's okay, I was really more interested in a different argument anyway, predicated on a point which you conceded

time to mysteriously lose all motivation to continue this discussion and disappear

ciao etc~

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4 minutes ago, Another Ampers& said:

you're once again avoiding my question

but that's okay, I was really more interested in a different argument anyway, predicated on a point which you conceded

time to mysteriously lose all motivation to continue this discussion and disappear

ciao etc~

... don't give up *that* easily :c

You are asking semantics, and I don't think "relationship" can be defined in only one way.

So no, I don't think it isn't a "real relationship" at all.

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5 minutes ago, Ricky said:

"Relationship" can mean a lot of different things. I have a relationship with my parents.

So tell me, is this relationship with your parents closed or open?

 

I gotta say I'd probably be for a fairly open relationship, but to a degree. Like sex, is something most people want and if you want that that's cool, some people are better at some things or are willing to do some things. I mean I'd like to be kept in the loop about it just so I know. As long as the romantic side of things is closed I'm cool. That bit is just between me and whoever. 

Then again the word "Devotion" in highschool holds about as much weight as an election promise.

 

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