Fictional Girlfriend

[#00Buck]

This post has been sitting on my drive for a while but the Closure & Memories thread by @DevilishlyHandsome49 motivated me to put it up. 

I was in a plaza with a beer store not too long ago. I don’t drink very often and I don’t find myself near beer stores at all. I went in to see if there was anything I’d want to try. Another customer was picking up some beer. Where I come from the beer stores have a metal track with little metal wheels and they throw the cases of beer onto the track and it rolls out into the front where you can grab the case. The bang of the case hitting the track and the sound of the spinning wheels took me back in time to the last time I was actually in a beer store.

 

My dad used to take us in our rusty beat up old car. We’d start by chanting “come on car” because it never started on the first try and needed some encouragement. We would round up the empties to trade them in and my dad would buy a case of beer and we’d wait at the end of the metal track to catch it as it came rolling out. I remember the old train tracks with trains passing by blowing their horns and the parking lot full of old cardboard and garbage. Sometimes we would have bottles that they would refuse to take so we would walk to the giant glass dumpsters. They had one for each color of glass and my brothers and I would take turns throwing the bottles against the back walls of the dumpsters and watching them shatter.

 

When I was small I had a babysitter. She lived a few doors down the street from me. She was a lot older than me. She was half Japanese just like me. She was also beautiful and I mean hauntingly beautiful. She dressed in punk rock fashions and knew all the cool music. She used to take some of the babysitting money she would get and buy us records to listen to. Anyone who buys you a Kraftwerk album for a present is pretty cool. I used to be jealous of her spiky haired punk rock boyfriends. Not because there was anything special about them. The only thing that they had that I wanted was her. She was incredible in a way that every unattainable person is.  She was totally out of reach. I met her boyfriends and stared at them with jealousy. They thought my crush on her was funny and cute and I was really annoyed by that.

 

Sometimes her brother would invite us over to hang out at their place. Their house was a different realm of existence than ours. Their father worked in the film industry and made good money. The brother’s room was full of model planes hanging from the ceiling, movie posters, role-playing games, comic books, manga posters, and artwork. There was something fun everywhere you looked. His room was cool but his sister’s room was something else entirely. There was something about being in a pretty girls room. She had decorated every surface of every wall. There was something delicate or eye catching everywhere your eye landed. Her room was darker than her brothers. It seemed warmer and quieter too. Being in her room alone with her was like being on another planet. I remember sitting on her bed next to her and thinking she looked like the physical manifestation of some kind of punk rock love song.

 

No matter how much time passes certain sounds and songs snap me right back in time to other parts of my life. There is an anime soundtrack that took me right back in time to her. I didn’t hear the soundtrack when I was young because it didn’t exist yet but there is something about it that just takes me back. Now I play it on purpose when I miss her just so I can be with her in my head for a few minutes. I’m sure if I found her today she wouldn’t live up to the person who she is in my head. The person in my head is the one I want to visit. I don’t really know how real my version of her ever was but it is the one I want to be with. 

 

[DevilishlyHandsome49]

Interesting post, though I cant relate to thinking of my past relationships in a positive. More negative than anything else how strong do the thoughts get about the girl though? Do they become distracting?

[#00Buck]

1 hour ago, DevilishlyHandsome49 said:

Interesting post, though I cant relate to thinking of my past relationships in a positive. More negative than anything else how strong do the thoughts get about the girl though? Do they become distracting?

Sometimes I sit and listen to music and think of her until I start to feel heartbroken. I can't think of past relationships in a positive light either. I wanted something beyond a friendship with her but because of the age difference it was impossible. I fell in love with her, anyone I've ever fallen in love with could tell you, I fall very hard. There are girls that I fell in love with and never had sex with. Those are the ones I think of fondly and enjoy remembering. To be correct the lack of sex made them friends and not lovers. I adore each and every one of them. I'll remember them until my very last breath. 

All the girls who I was sexually intimate with ended up hating me and I felt the same way about them. My intimate relationships have a way of going from intense love to deep hatred. I don't ever want an ex-lover to be my friend. I find the very idea of that insulting. If you don't want to be with me at least have the guts to admit it and own your dislike for me. I've had girls scream their hate for me out loud in the street only minutes after trying to convince me that "they want to be friends with me." I can't take the lies. It just makes me dislike them even more. The whole "let's be friends" thing is so cold and cruel and an insult to my intelligence that I just can't stand it. 

1 hour ago, Rhíulchabán said:

Damn man, I normally see your shitposting and funny side, isn't often I see a more "real" side of you... It's tough to have images of other people in your mind and want them back more than who they are now (or if you can't meet them anymore at all).

It's like, you have this great internal picture and it just entrances you, but deep down you know its not quite right... it doesn't exist and you don't want to want it... but its too great to totally ignore.

I used to have this girl in elementary school I felt that way about, I had such a huge crush on her when I was like 10 (sounds dumb, but I really liked her), it took me years to stop thinking about her and I know now that she is very different than the person I had in my mind all those years (I did meet her, and she is not in a good place in her life these days, at least last time I saw her).

It can be a good memory, but remembering it too often can be unhealthy... its a hard line to straddle.

I only like to time travel when I'm feeling sad so that the memory lifts me back up to feeling good again. If I stay in the memory too long I start to get heartbroken and it kind of defeats the purpose. They are good memories and I'm glad I have them. I was able to experience beauty and love in a way that was so strong it permanently became a part of who I am. That's a great experience and I'm glad it happened to me. Part of me is still looking for that experience and gets excited when I detect that it is possible with a new person. Love is incredible and being wrapped in the warm blanket of love is probably the best feeling I've ever had. 

[Ricky]

What would she do if she read this?

Would she be afraid?

Would she tell you that you're trying too hard? :V

[Falaffel]

18 minutes ago, Ricky said:

What would she do if she read this?

Would she be afraid?

Would she tell you that you're trying too hard? :V

Most likely. 

But that wasn't the point :v

And I fail to see yours. 

[Ricky]

Just now, Falaffel said:

Most likely. 

But that wasn't the point :v

And I fail to see yours. 

You gotta pull your head out of your ass to see the sun shine <3

[Falaffel]

3 hours ago, Ricky said:

You gotta pull your head out of your ass to see the sun shine <3

No, like, I'm legitimately curious as to your point. I'm not blinding hating you. 

Are you suggesting we not discuss Buck's feelings? Or that Buck shouldn't have them?

[Another Ampers&]

You're getting trolled right now Fala

[Falaffel]

2 minutes ago, Another Ampers& said:

You're getting trolled right now Fala

Ricky always has a reason. Sometimes it's amusing. 

If he has no reason, he's slacking. 

[Ricky]

3 minutes ago, Falaffel said:

No, like, I'm legitimately curious as to your point. I'm not blinding hating you. 

Are you suggesting we not discuss Buck's feelings? Or that Buck shouldn't have them?

That's not what I was saying, at all.

It's kinda hard to get you to see my point and not the walls of your rectum.

[Falaffel]

2 minutes ago, Ricky said:

That's not what I was saying, at all.

It's kinda hard to get you to see my point and not the walls of your rectum.

Yes yes, butt jokes. However, your reason? I obviously missed it. Do share. 

[Pignog]

On 2016-07-08 at 0:43 PM, #00Buck said:

This post has been sitting on my drive for a while but the Closure & Memories thread by @DevilishlyHandsome49 motivated me to put it up. 

I was in a plaza with a beer store not too long ago. I don’t drink very often and I don’t find myself near beer stores at all. I went in to see if there was anything I’d want to try. Another customer was picking up some beer. Where I come from the beer stores have a metal track with little metal wheels and they throw the cases of beer onto the track and it rolls out into the front where you can grab the case. The bang of the case hitting the track and the sound of the spinning wheels took me back in time to the last time I was actually in a beer store.

 

My dad used to take us in our rusty beat up old car. We’d start by chanting “come on car” because it never started on the first try and needed some encouragement. We would round up the empties to trade them in and my dad would buy a case of beer and we’d wait at the end of the metal track to catch it as it came rolling out. I remember the old train tracks with trains passing by blowing their horns and the parking lot full of old cardboard and garbage. Sometimes we would have bottles that they would refuse to take so we would walk to the giant glass dumpsters. They had one for each color of glass and my brothers and I would take turns throwing the bottles against the back walls of the dumpsters and watching them shatter.

 

When I was small I had a babysitter. She lived a few doors down the street from me. She was a lot older than me. She was half Japanese just like me. She was also beautiful and I mean hauntingly beautiful. She dressed in punk rock fashions and knew all the cool music. She used to take some of the babysitting money she would get and buy us records to listen to. Anyone who buys you a Kraftwerk album for a present is pretty cool. I used to be jealous of her spiky haired punk rock boyfriends. Not because there was anything special about them. The only thing that they had that I wanted was her. She was incredible in a way that every unattainable person is.  She was totally out of reach. I met her boyfriends and stared at them with jealousy. They thought my crush on her was funny and cute and I was really annoyed by that.

 

Sometimes her brother would invite us over to hang out at their place. Their house was a different realm of existence than ours. Their father worked in the film industry and made good money. The brother’s room was full of model planes hanging from the ceiling, movie posters, role-playing games, comic books, manga posters, and artwork. There was something fun everywhere you looked. His room was cool but his sister’s room was something else entirely. There was something about being in a pretty girls room. She had decorated every surface of every wall. There was something delicate or eye catching everywhere your eye landed. Her room was darker than her brothers. It seemed warmer and quieter too. Being in her room alone with her was like being on another planet. I remember sitting on her bed next to her and thinking she looked like the physical manifestation of some kind of punk rock love song.

 

No matter how much time passes certain sounds and songs snap me right back in time to other parts of my life. There is an anime soundtrack that took me right back in time to her. I didn’t hear the soundtrack when I was young because it didn’t exist yet but there is something about it that just takes me back. Now I play it on purpose when I miss her just so I can be with her in my head for a few minutes. I’m sure if I found her today she wouldn’t live up to the person who she is in my head. The person in my head is the one I want to visit. I don’t really know how real my version of her ever was but it is the one I want to be with. 

 

 

[Conker]

I don't have any fictional "x-friends" because my sexuality is a dumpster mess that jumps between zero and some other number that is most def not zero. Very obnoxious. I blame furries for most of it.

But I can relate to relating music to things. The senses are capable of conjuring up tons of shit, be it a smell of cookies that reminds you of your grandma, or listening to Rob Zombie and flashing back to being in gradeschool and having tons of friends and playing Star Wars (not the video game, the pretend kind that kids get to play and NOT be made fun of for LARPing).

Music is rad that way. It's so easy to relate emotions and events to songs. I know when that "Jar of Hearts" song came out (not sure on singer at moment), it was right when I broke up with my girlfriend at the time. I cannot unlink those two things. Good song though! Though now that I"ve had perspective, I feel like the asshole in the song, going around and taking emotions from people like some psychic vampire even though those don't exist.

Ah but that whole thing was a mess.

My favorite album of all time was one I found when I worked at the worst job I've ever worked at. It's strange listening to it, since it reminds me of that negative headspace I was in, but it's also maybe my favorite album because of that headspace.

Life is strange, and the connections we make to get through it are strange too.

[Ricky]

7 hours ago, Falaffel said:

Ricky always has a reason. Sometimes it's amusing. 

If he has no reason, he's slacking. 

I only meant she might find it creepy, and that I found it slightly bombastic albeit a nice story. Doesn't have much to do with the content.

[Endless/Nameless]

Sometimes all you want is to feel something.

There is sadness in joy and joy in sadness.

Even if something is painful it is still a feeling.

We need to feel, especially in this age of plastic.

Remember that old cliché?
"It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all"?

This is why that was written.

[#00Buck]

5 hours ago, Endless/Nameless said:

Sometimes all you want is to feel something.

There is sadness in joy and joy in sadness.

Even if something is painful it is still a feeling.

We need to feel, especially in this age of plastic.

Remember that old cliché?
"It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all"?

This is why that was written.

Thanks homie you go tha feel.