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Rant: Faliure


Recel
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Well, today is as a good day to commit social suicide as ever...

This probably won't make much sense, won't be cohesive, nor will have a followable logic or structure. But hey! Won't be my first failure.


I always wanted to write up this sloppy, sappy, self hate thread thing one day. But with all the other depressed, lonely and broken themed threads popping up every time I wanted to, I always felt like it would be stupid to make another one that day. Why? Because I hold my self to such stupid standards. Such as: No "I hate my life" threads on days where someone else makes one! There is a clear queuing system with such things. No skipping the line! Suffer until it's your turn.

For the sake of some structure, let's start at the beginning.
I was always lonely since my childhood. Had no real friends, and the friendships I did make usually ended with suicide within two years. I always got left out of games, I was always that kid who is standing in the circle where people talk, but is either not heard, or someone has to repeat what they say, but than it is credited to the person who repeated it, and generally I was left out of any social activities through out my life. Because I failed at socialising. No one likes the weird kid who says weird things at the weirdest times.

Newly armed with a total lack of "what is appropriate to say and when", I moved on in life, through school, expanding my repertoire of thoughts with a good dose of "these people obviously hate me". Something I still keep in my head in large supplies in case of an upcoming apocalypse.
Fast-forwarding a good ten years, because there isn't much point in boring you guys with that time, and, well, you don't do much when you don't have friends or family anyway. Going out to a bar to buy a beer for my self to celebrate my birthday by myself is probably not such an interesting story if I think about it.

Anyway, I further expanded my  mental arsenal by expending on the "everyone hates me" thought. After long periods of testing an research, I came up with the new and improved "No one cares about me I might as well die". This new product helped me greatly at failing those pesky job interviews and opportunities for further education. Great success in my department of failures.

But than... came you guys. FAF, Weasyl, Phoenixed and all of it's inhabitants. And with a smile, I can truly say... nope. Didn't change a damn thing. Why? Because I fail at changing. Listening to useful, caring advice is for others. Like people with common sense, a brain, more or less healthy self awareness and such. You know. Those people.
I can say I was happy, and with it productive while on Discord. But luckily I quickly failed producing healthy conversations and started attacking people. Just in the nick of time! I almost became a functional human being there! Scary.
Seriously though. Thanks for the effort. Didn't work out, but thanks. It was fun while it lasted.

So my mind turned to darker thoughts. Why am I alive? Well, after a long period of time, my well adapted mind produced a result. I'm afraid of surviving. I'm afraid, that if I don't produce an A+ in the deaths class, the rest of my body will be sent back to Life School. Where I will be planted, watered and looked after, fulfilling all my duties as my new form. A "potato".

Curving back to the lack of structure I said at the beginning I don't have a fitting ending for this "rant". Though before you, fine readers who swam through this sewage pipe of thoughts, starts writing up advice, let me first give you some.

I suck at taking advice. Any advice. Even my own advice. This thread is a proof to that. If I followed my own advice, I wouldn't have made it in the first place, or at least I wouldn't have written it up looking like a joke. So why did I bother writing it up? I don't know. But I have the time to figure it out eventually. "Life's little mysteries: Why do you write an awful thread up if you know it won't end well?"
Also, don't worry. I lived this long this way, I can go another twenty-ish years. Remember the sign on the Pepsi automata. "The light is broken, but still working."
And don't feel sad for me. I don't feel sad for me. Nor should you.

Also, if you can't take this thread seriously because of the way I wrote it up, or you think there's a hidden meaning or goal for it, you can go and... write up your thoughts. What did you expect? I'm not your boss. I won't tell you what to do. Nor will I swear. There are minors on the forum for Christ sake!

In three weeks I'll lose my current job too! Can't have any pesky successes hang around, now can I?

PS: I might be losing my mind. I'll submit a search warrant tomorrow.

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10 minutes ago, DevilBear said:

I always enjoyed talking to you on discord. I really think you're a decent sort, just wrong place at the wrong time maybe. You're too hard on yourself pal. I dunno. Generally I'd write these threads off as grabs for attention. But you? I just want you to be happy.

I have a PHD in "How not to be happy". It's almost like I'm afraid of it.

I can't count the times I was given the opportunity to be part of a community or make friends, and I deliberately threw it away out of fear or paranoia. Than again, I am bad at maths.

I also just can't be serious right now, because going to work as an emotional train wreck isn't as fun as the advertisements say. One day someone will sue the company. Or is it already too big to fail?

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For what it's worth, I've always seen you as a respectable and admirable member of the community. That goes for all of us, I'm sure.

So if talking (or venting) to others in private might help you feel sane, you definitely have that option. I'd take you up on it.

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Venting is a fundamental right of all persons on this forum; this is not your social suicide. But you can make it your rebirth.

You don't need my advice on how, nor my encouragement.  You know your problems, you know their solutions, you know the triggers that turn you off them, and I know you will seize them when that trigger flips back on. I hope that flip comes soon.

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1 hour ago, Recel said:

Because I failed at socialising. No one likes the weird kid who says weird things at the weirdest times.

Newly armed with a total lack of "what is appropriate to say and when", I moved on in life, through school, expanding my repertoire of thoughts with a good dose of "these people obviously hate me". Something I still keep in my head in large supplies in case of an upcoming apocalypse.

I can totally relate on that.

1 hour ago, Recel said:

I suck at taking advice. Any advice. Even my own advice.

And that.

1 hour ago, Recel said:

PS: I might be losing my mind. I'll submit a search warrant tomorrow.

And that.

I know I've only seen you around and we've not actually spoken, but you seem cool! I wish I had something better than that to say, but I lack the answers to defeating the ever dreaded self-hating, self-defeating poopoo brain stuff. Just know you're not alone.

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Ok. First off, very well-written. It flowed nicely and I didn't suffer tl;dr syndrome.

Now would be the place where I would normally give you advice. But you have requested we don't bother; and you're right; it wouldn't do a damn thing. So I won't.

I'll take a different approach.

Your post written from the inside looking out. Life is a ridiculous multifaceted thing; you cannot understand it from one perspective alone. So here's a dose of some outside looking in. 

You're interesting. You're an upstanding, respectable person. You're a ridiculously talented artist. You write well. Your presence is enjoyed--at least by people like me. You even have a great "fursona". There is nothing about yourself as a person to dislike.
   This is where your actions come in.
You self-hate. You lash out at others around you. You don't let people in. You're more comfortable being abrasive than just enjoying spending time with others. Some people can look past these things; most can't. Unless they're your friends already they'll just think "Who is this person and why are they acting like an emo teenager?" Who you are won't matter then; only your actions. This how you drive people away. Not by immutable personality, but by reversible action. 

I'm fairly certain you know all that already. But you said yourself you'd prefer to fail. That you believe you're a failure and are to be hated. What I ask, is why you bother to hold to that philosophy? Who told you that? Those kids you mentioned? Who listens to kids?? They're sadistic idiots; consider the source. Your family possibly? Well if they told you or made you believe that, they must have been real asshats; again, consider the source. Your own mind? You can't trust your mind. Our brains are sick and diseased much of the time. Our perspectives far too easily contaminated by our own thoughts and conclusions much too quickly formed from one-sided data. The most dangerous thing a person can do sometimes is trust their own brain to tell them about themselves. Consider the source. 

Regardless of your unfortunate experiences in the past, I don't believe for a second that you're destined for failure and hatred. I doubt anyone else but the most jaded believes that either. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy that has no hold on reality except what you give it.  

Afraid of surviving? No you're not, you're afraid of becoming something else. Someone other than the self-described failure you have become comfortable with. And it's ok to feel that way. But it doesn't have to be like that. 

All in all, I just want to say you're someone here I care about and it genuinely makes me sad to see you go through this when you so obviously deserve so much more. I'm going to go right on reading your posts, loving your art, and enjoying the particular flavor you bring to this little community; and you can go right on doing whatever you choose to do. But there are people that care, and you can't shake that off whatever you do. 

hugs

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52 minutes ago, Endless/Nameless said:

Your own mind? You can't trust your mind. Our brains are sick and diseased much of the time. Our perspectives far too easily contaminated by our own thoughts and conclusions much too quickly formed from one-sided data. The most dangerous thing a person can do sometimes is trust their own brain to tell them about themselves. Consider the source.

This is something everybody should be aware of. Even healthy brains do what they do for survival reasons that are mostly unnecessary in modern times.

 

 

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You know you can manage to make a sad thread enjoyable just by how you phrase it?

I didn't until I read this thread.

It got the point enough and was obviously serious, but had moments of levity, which is the most you can ask for really.

Hope you find lasting happiness someday, and start to trust that some people actually do enjoy your company. (They do, seriously.)

Because, you've gotta start somewhere.

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Recel, you're a cool guy and I would be incredibly sad if anything happened to you.

On the same note I will say that I am extraordinarily awful at helping people in these situations, y'know being a fleshy bag of mental problems myself and all. But you should never be afraid to vent like this, whether it be in public or private since we really do genuinely care about you and want you to be happy.

I mean talking to you and your silly doodles made me (and plenty of others) incredibly happy, so it's only fair that you get the chance to feel the same.

I already said I'm terrible at this sorta thing, but if you need someone to vent about their personal problems to I'm more than willing to be there for you should you desire.

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11 hours ago, DevilBear said:

I always enjoyed talking to you on discord. I really think you're a decent sort, just wrong place at the wrong time maybe. You're too hard on yourself pal. I dunno. Generally I'd write these threads off as grabs for attention. But you? I just want you to be happy.

I wholeheartedly agree, and I really miss you Recel, Everybody's got their problems, it doesn't mean you don't deserve to have friends or be happy

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18 hours ago, DrGravitas said:

Venting is a fundamental right of all persons on this forum; this is not your social suicide. But you can make it your rebirth.

You don't need my advice on how, nor my encouragement.  You know your problems, you know their solutions, you know the triggers that turn you off them, and I know you will seize them when that trigger flips back on. I hope that flip comes soon.

To be honest, I don't know their solutions, nor the triggers. Because just trying to stay trusting and friendly obviously doesn't work.

I meet people, I enjoy their company, than get increasingly paranoid and/or doubtful, acting worse and worse, than realise it by my self, or through the reactions of others, and I'm back at square one. Well, no. I'm back at square minus one because I hurt or annoyed people. For bonus penalty points I might also chose the worst way of dealing with the situation I created at the end.

I would suck at the Jeopardy show.

 

So it's not the solution I can actually do.

 

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I'd try to encourage you but words over the Internet are indistinguishable from the wind so I won't. Life is one hell of a mother bitch, and in the realest of world's nobody is owed love or caring, it simply happens or it doesn't, and the deserving of it means nothing. People are more often than not, behind all their veils and smiles and courtesies, out only for their own gratification, and I'm not certain that's what drives your paranoia in social situations but I'd be willing to bet this is part of it. All that said, only you can change your life man, and if youre dead well good luck with that. In all honesty I'm only around in life anymore because I'd like to stick it to a few doubters, and eventually I started to enjoy it, so just remember revenge is always worth living for.

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8 hours ago, Recel said:

To be honest, I don't know their solutions, nor the triggers. Because just trying to stay trusting and friendly obviously doesn't work.

I meet people, I enjoy their company, than get increasingly paranoid and/or doubtful, acting worse and worse, than realise it by my self, or through the reactions of others, and I'm back at square one. Well, no. I'm back at square minus one because I hurt or annoyed people. For bonus penalty points I might also chose the worst way of dealing with the situation I created at the end.

I want to expound on this response to situations in particular because I have similar personal experiences.

In the past few semesters I've worked with the same people a lot. Part of this is not good because I sometimes have a similar disposition as you; I will create personal beliefs that further convince me everyone hates me or is out to get me. So by the end of it I was intensely jaded to the point where one night there was an argument and it was me vs. everyone else. Whether or not I intended to, I had made the mistake of successfully singling myself out and had made myself the enemy of everyone in the room and confirming my doubts.

But then here's the thing. It did happen, things did happen. Those emotions were there, and I did end up hurting, annoying, and angering people all in one step. In fact that's something that's happened a lot and some of it ended up happening to one person in particular. And it hurt him, noticeably.

So then after two years of finally rebuilding a social circle, for a while I felt very alone again. I didn't trust anyone anymore, felt very vulnerable.

But then I was in contact with that same guy again. We taught part time at a school together. And he was seemingly trying to work past it. So despite everything in my head wanting me to remove myself, I decided "no. we're not back to square negative one, let's see where this goes."

He's my roommate now and my closest friend in my classes. We talk about everything and I trust his opinion the most out of a lot of people. We worked together well, we had similar ideas, and we were able to come together on a lot more things.

 

But one of the biggest steps towards that was conflict. Some of my closest relationships with people went a similar way, where all of a sudden I had bought into my paranoia and removed everyone from my life and hurt them...

but they had stuck around.

 

Situations where someone is hurt...it's not square zero. Some people will not be able to let go, yes.  But you learn more about how much people care about you when they see you at your worst, and in my opinion sometimes you shouldn't be afraid to do so. Because a lot of times people don't see you as irredeemable unless there are special circumstances.

Having met the kind of people who fit that paradigm, you'd have to work very hard to be that. And in my opinion despite us having some conflict I certainly don't see you as worse of a person. In fact if anything I just get concerned that you're too strongly invested in your failure to change relative to the amount you've been accepted into the community. 

 

You will find that whether or not you know the steps in the right direction, people who see you for who you can be will only be inclined to help you find them, regardless of how many times you step on their toes. And I think a good number of those people are here right now.

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in regards to the whole topic; i know you said no advice, and well this is going to sound strange, but you need to trust yourself less. perhaps also now that you've taken the step of opening up to a ton of people (a helpful thing to do which your brain told you not to, interesting eh?), you may even want to find a friend who would be willing to listen to you through all of it.

a majority of the things you've said don't reflect the reality of things regarding how you are perceived. often in a paranoid state they won't. the further you dig into paranoia the more completely wrong things will pop up in your head. and i'm saying this not of criticism, but of an honest reflection of my own experiences because sometimes ridiculous things happen, like for instance, funny story, i didn't want to visit some friends recently because i thought they were lying and were actually forming a plot to kidnap me and rape my friend. that's not even an exaggeration, i believed that for a while. and it's hard to just say "well that's wrong because no shit". paranoid thoughts develop an entity of not needing stable logic to exist  more functionally than coherent ones.

but i think what does help deconstruct those thoughts is persistently questioning them; if not you, then someone else who can help you reconsider yourself. i once sat down with a friend and for several nights in a row would have what turned into heated arguments with him over whether or not anyone cared about him and would step by step break down the logic of statements regarding his personal mental health. it's not fun and sometimes it's completely agonizing and leaves you miserable. but you have to break down a lot of the negative components of your psyche and walk away knowing how it forms, what it feels like, and having a comparable differentiation between your "neurotic" thoughts and the ones that have a basis of reason; basically a critical reflection of reality from your honest perspective in synchronicity with understanding the thoughts that form through paranoid conditioning.

I'm saying this not from a place of believing that you are crazy, or bad, or some sort of inferior person. Rather I just think that if there is a way for someone to be human and have things that inhibit them, this is what you have to work with and the best thing we can do is give you something that can help you grow and be okay with yourself.

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5 minutes ago, evan said:

Situations where someone is hurt...it's not square zero. Some people will not be able to let go, yes.  But you learn more about how much people care about you when they see you at your worst, and in my opinion sometimes you shouldn't be afraid to do so. Because a lot of times people don't see you as irredeemable unless there are special circumstances.

Unfortunately that didn't work out for me. One of my closest friends decided to cut me out of her life after seeing me at one of my lowest points. She felt I was just using her as a dumping grounds for my emotions, which was partially true, and she didn't want to be around my negativity anymore. Regardless of my various attempts to explain myself and to explain how deeply I cared about her, she just didn't want to continue. I blame myself, but I still have been full of so many mixed feelings about it ever since. I just don't understand how anyone can abandon someone they love (including platonically). Does that mean she didn't?

Er, not trying to hijack the thread. Just something I've kept bottled inside for almost a year. I just wonder if you're right in not being afraid to show it.

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4 minutes ago, Socketosis said:

Unfortunately that didn't work out for me. One of my closest friends decided to cut me out of her life after seeing me at one of my lowest points. She felt I was just using her as a dumping grounds for my emotions, which was partially true, and she didn't want to be around my negativity anymore. Regardless of my various attempts to explain myself and to explain how deeply I cared about her, she just didn't want to continue. I blame myself, but I still have been full of so many mixed feelings about it ever since. I just don't understand how anyone can abandon someone they love (including platonically). Does that mean she didn't?

Er, not trying to hijack the thread. Just something I've kept bottled inside for almost a year. I just wonder if you're right in not being afraid to show it.

i've unfortunately also had the same experience. someone told me i ruined their day because i admitted i was having suicidal thoughts after quite a while of getting close to them... and then they flat out stopped talking to me. and i ultimately admit that that can happen, but i think in the overall sum of people who will experience you, there are some who will be very resilient on the idea that you are more than your negativity, all that jazz.

perhaps it's blind optimism on my part. 

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Recel, I have talked to you for what feels like a very long time, and yet I don't know all that much about your past or your birthday or favorite color or other minutiae.

But none of that really matters, because I know you as a person. Everyone else has said the cheery positive things about your personality before and possibly better than I could, so I'll just stick to what I in particular want to say.

 

I wish we talked more. Honestly. I just want to get to know you as a person. You've always been kind to me and I'm telling you from the bottom of my heart that if you ever took the time to message me, I would reply. You can cross-reference with other people about my behavior if you want. They will confirm that I almost always reply to a message in a meaningful way. It won't be any different for you. I've always enjoyed our conversations, and I don't see that changing.

This isn't even out of pity, if you're thinking that. I've messaged you many other times completely unsolicited. I just want to be your friend.

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And, y'know... If you do end up in a situation where you piss people off, a simple and honest apology can go a long way...
Good people respect it when you can admit your shortcomings and try to make up for it.

I've salvaged several relationships that way. People I've been really nasty toward are now among my closest friends.
It's very humbling. But that's a good thing.

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On 9/13/2016 at 2:41 PM, Recel said:

 

For the sake of some structure, let's start at the beginning.
I was always lonely since my childhood. Had no real friends, and the friendships I did make usually ended with suicide within two years. I always got left out of games, I was always that kid who is standing in the circle where people talk, but is either not heard, or someone has to repeat what they say, but than it is credited to the person who repeated it, and generally I was left out of any social activities through out my life. Because I failed at socialising. No one likes the weird kid who says weird things at the weirdest times.

I just have to let you know you certainly arent alone in this. I think as a kid, even more than I am now, I was terminally obsessed with dogs and animals and anything I could create, wear, or talk about revolved around dogs, dogs, dogs. That among other things didnt help me lead an active well-rounded social life, I was always a bit self absorbed anyways and I didnt talk much, didnt see this as a problem until 3rd-5th grade when kids stopped being kids and liked High School Musical, dating, and were vaguely aware of sex...

Middle school got worse and only when I got older had I realized I had absolutely no self awareness in the past as far as interaction and presentation go, at some point I shut off entirely and became even more quiet. Eventually I had little to no friends, and people would constantly ask me if I was sad or why I was so quietx pretty sure I got talked behind my back a lot, too.

TL;DR not trying to one up youre "Im the worst social recluse" award, but I can relate so damn hard.

 

...At this point, I accepted that communities like this help, and despite not being proactive all the fringed and webbed friendships Ive made have been decent and well off despite not being "up to normal social standard".

 

I think...my past is ebbing away slightly and being able to take life in my own hands, my confidence is slowly building and I can shakily function.

 

 

I can only wish the same for you someday, and dont worry about the random ass pity party post I enjoyed the read 

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On 9/13/2016 at 8:55 PM, #00Buck said:

I'm sorry my sad nerd effort posts prevented you from posting this earlier.

Next time let me know and we can co-ordinate our loser stories. 

I agree, we must have a cleverly prepared loser story diagram in order for the society of losers to function.

I also agree that nicely written loser stories are enjoyable tend to mask the major emo factor.

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18 minutes ago, WolfNightV4X1 said:

*snipp*

For me it wasn't that I had one topic I obsessed over, or didn't want to talk. I simply got talked over, ignored or not even noticed. Something that keeps happening in conversations to me to this day, especially in verbal conversations. People start talking in the middle of my sentence, or as soon as I try to make a reply, and I was raised to not cut into others words so I just shut up at that point.

The problem that grew from this is that I'm extremely silent in conversations, I rarely actually start them my self and I often just stop my reply mid sentence, or cut off the end of the sentence.

Initiating a conversation is scary to me. I don't really know what to say to start one up, so when I actually do it doesn't goes much past "Hy" "How are you?" "I'm fine."or such.
On a forum it's much easier, because I have time to write up my thoughts. Though on a forum people don't really reply unless they have something a bit longer to say, so often no one does for X reason, which drives up my paranoia, and I end up feeling ignored.

 

Also, if nothing else, writing this thread up and being able to talk about it a bit made me feel a little better.

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8 minutes ago, Recel said:

For me it wasn't that I had one topic I obsessed over, or didn't want to talk. I simply got talked over, ignored or not even noticed. Something that keeps happening in conversations to me to this day, especially in verbal conversations. People start talking in the middle of my sentence, or as soon as I try to make a reply, and I was raised to not cut into others words so I just shut up at that point.

The problem that grew from this is that I'm extremely silent in conversations, I rarely actually start them my self and I often just stop my reply mid sentence, or cut off the end of the sentence.

Initiating a conversation is scary to me. I don't really know what to say to start one up, so when I actually do it doesn't goes much past "Hy" "How are you?" "I'm fine."or such.
On a forum it's much easier, because I have time to write up my thoughts. Though on a forum people don't really reply unless they have something a bit longer to say, so often no one does for X reason, which drives up my paranoia, and I end up feeling ignored.

 

Also, if nothing else, writing this thread up and being able to talk about it a bit made me feel a little better.

Well...that was my childhood mostly, I was maladjusted so I didnt learn what people normally talk about. But yes, its easy to get talked over and ignored when youre far too quiet. Writing cohesive thoughts all at once for people to read is a much better alternative.

Many hugs and such 

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On 9/13/2016 at 2:31 PM, Recel said:

I have a PHD in "How not to be happy". It's almost like I'm afraid of it.

 

Being happy is one thing that you have to allow yourself to be. Exactly how being miserable is something that you have to deny yourself. You can either be your best friend or worst enemy.

That sounds easy, but actually allowing yourself happiness is not- even if you know how to be happy and have everything you need to find it. If only by force of habit misery wishes to take you, and will continue to seek you out.

Reading your words, I imagine that your peers have greater confidence in you than you do. Maybe you can work with that. I hope you are able to a new light 

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@Recel

I've found something for myself that helps, and it's not an easy thing... but I've found to let go of that past... to let it die to live like it never happened.

I mean it honestly took me a lot of subtsances to get to that point, but there are more options availible.... meditation guided or solo, theraputic hypnosis can also let repressed things within the subconscious come out so you can deal with them.

It would seem to me facing the past that never stopped for you so that these things can heal would be the best.

Anywho, if you ever want to chat I am kosdu.waya on skype, pardon if I delved into my own ignorance a bit.

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28 minutes ago, Johanna Waya said:

@Recel

I've found something for myself that helps, and it's not an easy thing... but I've found to let go of that past... to let it die to live like it never happened.

I mean it honestly took me a lot of subtsances to get to that point, but there are more options availible.... meditation guided or solo, theraputic hypnosis can also let repressed things within the subconscious come out so you can deal with them.

It would seem to me facing the past that never stopped for you so that these things can heal would be the best.

Anywho, if you ever want to chat I am kosdu.waya on skype, pardon if I delved into my own ignorance a bit.

I know nothing about meditating or hypnosis.  Never done, or even looked up on these kind of things. I usually just listen to music to relax.

Also, I'm really awful at initiating one-on-one conversations, up to the point I'm to scared to ever do it, even when I'd want to.

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2 hours ago, Recel said:

I know nothing about meditating or hypnosis.  Never done, or even looked up on these kind of things. I usually just listen to music to relax.

Also, I'm really awful at initiating one-on-one conversations, up to the point I'm to scared to ever do it, even when I'd want to.

Meditating can be done alone, and it can be of great use. Essentially is is a directed waking dream.

It allows you to literally face the problems that normally are accepted as ethereal facts of life.

 

Hypnosis is very effective when used in a theraputic way.

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15 hours ago, Recel said:

I know nothing about meditating or hypnosis.  Never done, or even looked up on these kind of things. I usually just listen to music to relax.

Also, I'm really awful at initiating one-on-one conversations, up to the point I'm to scared to ever do it, even when I'd want to.

Same to both.

The former I've had to do a lot lately.

But I'm slowly getting better at the latter.

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