Rant: My personality sucks

[FlynnCoyote]

I am frustratingly torn between two outlooks:

How do I preserve this friendship?
Why should I watch what I say around friends?

The issue here is that I'm pretty straightforward in my opinions most of the time, in one example I was having a group conversation about how utterly bullshit Moronism is while knowing full well that one of the participants was a mormon. At other times I'll tiptoe around topics that I know will offend somebody in order to preserve the friendship. Now, I've been involved with the furry fandom for about five years now going back to mid 2011, and in that time I've made numerous friends, but there have been eight separate occasions now where I have managed to utterly alienate an individual completely against my intentions.

The problem always begins as I make the wrong decision out of the two options above, and then I find myself in a hopeless tirade of trying to soothe ruffled feelings despite knowing full well that I am right. I know I hurt your feelings mormon guy, but fucking hell I AM RIGHT. I am the one being objective here. I am the one trying to be neutral and look at the merits of rationality versus faith from the ground up, and that pisses you off because the facts don't support what you want to believe.

Et Cetera or something along those general lines.

This always leads to a new set of doubts, and I wonder if I should bother tiptoeing around the more sensitive types at all. Would it be better to just be my blunt and direct self and then see who's still around when the dust settles? I know well that doing the exact opposite isn't an option because that just leads to pent up rage resulting in frequent abuse and vulgarity directed at people who don't deserve it. Anyone who remembers me during the early months of Phoenix will know what I mean and will know it took me longer than it should have to settle down. It happened once before on my first FA account, resulting in a veritable shitstorm of online rage that took me two months of cooldown and a new account to start fresh with.

But... I hate losing friends this way. And this last one was probably the most painful one yet. We'd been through tiffs before, huge arguments and in the end even if it took a few weeks we managed to reconcile. I thought we were still on good terms. But just an hour ago, some stupid misunderstanding about banana bread is apparently what tipped the scales and suddenly she remembered three and a half years of on and off negativity between us and decided enough was enough. We've said goodbye before but never like this. This time I'm pretty sure she means it.

And so it seems my horrible inner self has won out yet again without even trying. Times like this I'm at my lowest, I hate who I am and have never been able to change it.

 

[Vallium]

What exactly was your beef with mormonism? How it affects others and the individual or that its fake? If its the latter why do you even care? Do you have the same anger towards otherkinism and all other kinds of weird ass beliefs? Does seeing other people be happy for some reason you dont like affect you much? Did you ask the mormon guy how his beliefs and values affect him and understand how it makes him feel?

20 minutes ago, FlynnCoyote said:

 I have managed to utterly alienate an individual completely against my intentions.

Not an accident if you intentionally hurt someone knowing full well it goes against what they hold close, and especially if the attitude towards it was highly caustic and bitter rather than objective

 

 

Of course you can just be like me and not give a fuck about other people's political standing or religion, if the topic is going to be a touchy subject the easy route is to avoid speaking of it

[Jtrekkie]

Sorry, I'm pressed for time so I cannot give the detailed response you deserve, but I'll post something. Apologies for bluntness.

Here are some questions sometimes helpful for figuring things out when there is a difference of opinion.

Do I respect this person?

Do I value the friendship of this person?

If yes to the former, is the person valued more or less than my ideas?

Am I willing to hurt this person to maintain my ideas?

Am I objectively portraying the situation, or am I relying on a personal interpretation?

 

These are a tool to look at the situation from a less passionate point of view, so you can remove some conflict and decide how to move foreward.

[FlynnCoyote]

6 hours ago, WolfNightV4X1 said:

What exactly was your beef with mormonism? How it affects others and the individual or that its fake? If its the latter why do you even care? Do you have the same anger towards otherkinism and all other kinds of weird ass beliefs?

Short answer, the harm it causes to its own membership and then tries to keep secret. Former members have spoken out against it plenty of times but nothing ever seems to come of it.

As for the other weird ass beliefs, generally no if it's just an individual based thing. It's the organized religions that seem to be full of horrible things. Catholicism and Islam seem to be the best known but what people don't realize is that these sorts of things are happening in almost every major church and nothing is being done because the churches are allowed to act as their own authority.

6 hours ago, WolfNightV4X1 said:

Does seeing other people be happy for some reason you dont like affect you much? Did you ask the mormon guy how his beliefs and values affect him and understand how it makes him feel?

As I said, I was as objective as I could be, so I did not make any attempt to make this matter personal. Apparently being told that his church is covering up cases of child abuse (among other things) was a personal insult to him rather than something he should be taking more seriously. Also keep in mind that this was a group chat, and I was not the only one providing info on Mormonism, nor was I the one who steered the discussion that way to begin with.

 

6 hours ago, WolfNightV4X1 said:

Not an accident if you intentionally hurt someone knowing full well it goes against what they hold close, and especially if the attitude towards it was highly caustic and bitter rather than objective

You're making assumptions here. Did I touch a nerve?

 

33 minutes ago, Jtrekkie said:

Sorry, I'm pressed for time so I cannot give the detailed response you deserve, but I'll post something. Apologies for bluntness.

I don't understand why people apologize for bluntness. I think the truth is always worth more than keeping someone happy, including myself.

 

33 minutes ago, Jtrekkie said:

Do I respect this person?

Do I value the friendship of this person?

If yes to the former, is the person valued more or less than my ideas?

Am I willing to hurt this person to maintain my ideas?

Am I objectively portraying the situation, or am I relying on a personal interpretation?

Respect is too easy to lose in cases like this and often depends on how they can hold up against the flaws in their beliefs.

More often than not yes.

This one is tricky, since from an objective viewpoint I've seen plenty of friends come and go before this online issue began and the voice in the back of my mind always says that my principles are what define me as a person. So it becomes me asking if I value my own principles or compromising them for other people?

I've never set out to hurt a friend.

I'm always objective in cases like this, since I'm always doing my best to avoid making it personal. Unfortunately in most cases of personal interest, I have found the other person completely unwilling to put personal bias aside and look at something from a neutral perspective.

[Vae]

People will be giant shitbabies about opinions, yes, but people equally are also massive idiots about basic forms of social tact.

Ask yourself a few things before you contribute potentially volatile views or opinions to a discussion or a conversation:
  1. Does it contribute anything of actual value, besides just your attempts to validate yourself and your views? Does it actually benefit anything involving the other people or the discussion, as a whole, taking place?
  2. Can it be said more tactfully? There's a big difference between "Christianity is shit" and "Christianity has some practices I don't agree with", etc.
  3. Do you value your opinion enough to take a potential social hit from the people who disagree with you?

Furries (and people in general) tend to become too entrenched in "MUH OPINIONS!", because their worldview is often centralized around themselves too much, to the point where it does impact their social relationships,
but they also have a tendency to refuse to observe why.

In your example, someone's religion is of course going to be a personal thing for them. That's just common sense.

It doesn't require you to respect them, but it is pretty self-defeating if you enter into a debate with "The lifestyle you live is wrong and here's why" if your goal is maintaining a friendship with them.
It's like throwing gas onto a fire and going "OMG WHY'D THE FIRE GET SO BIG?"

I don't have anything against bluntness. As I'm pretty fucking blunt, myself.
But goddamnit, you have to own it, and be prepared to own it, always.

[#00Buck]

2 hours ago, FlynnCoyote said:

As I said, I was as objective as I could be, so I did not make any attempt to make this matter personal. Apparently being told that his church is covering up cases of child abuse (among other things) was a personal insult to him rather than something he should be taking more seriously. Also keep in mind that this was a group chat, and I was not the only one providing info on Mormonism, nor was I the one who steered the discussion that way to begin with.

Do you have video evidence that this is true? Photos or witness statements from people who were abused? Could you prove it in court?

If the answer is no then you are just being rude and slanderous towards the church he belongs to. He has every right to be upset about it if you are making accusations of child abuse with no evidence to prove it.

I will agree with the title of your thread.

Your personality does suck. 

[Jtrekkie]

4 hours ago, FlynnCoyote said:

I don't understand why people apologize for bluntness. I think the truth is always worth more than keeping someone happy, including myself.

 

That's the thing, truth isn't a cudgel you use to bash your enemy's (or friend's) skulls in. If you find yourself using it that way you've likely missed something. 

And again, don't be thinking that you alone are entirely devoid of bias. That's a give away for fanaticism. Because you are human you are required to doubt yourself, because he is the person most likely to decieve you.

[Azure]

Let the dust settle. Fuck fake friends or people who are your friends until their little viewpoint gets injured. I have fewer friends than many, and my life is no less rich for it.

[Vae]

Also, because I missed the "truth is important bit":

Bluntness is one thing. Being a Truth Crusader is another.
Never mix these up, because they're very different things.

You can be blunt without r/atheism-ing all over someone else.
You can be blunt without intellectually jacking off in public, and making a discussion less of a real exchange of ideas, and more of a platform to fulfill personal desires to feel smart and important.

People like that are generally pretty fucking intolerable in most social situations.

If that is the case, don't be that person.
Nobody likes that person.
Nobody likes a conversation vampire.

[Toshabi]

Just replace 'Mormonism' with 'cub porn' and you'll successfully flip the argument where you're the victim.

[LazerMaster5]

Problem solved.

[FlynnCoyote]

Fucking hell guys, the mormonism was an example, and a fucking old one at that not even relevant to the thing that happened last night.

9 hours ago, Vae said:

People will be giant shitbabies about opinions, yes, but people equally are also massive idiots about basic forms of social tact.

Ask yourself a few things before you contribute potentially volatile views or opinions to a discussion or a conversation:
  1. Does it contribute anything of actual value, besides just your attempts to validate yourself and your views? Does it actually benefit anything involving the other people or the discussion, as a whole, taking place?
  2. Can it be said more tactfully? There's a big difference between "Christianity is shit" and "Christianity has some practices I don't agree with", etc.
  3. Do you value your opinion enough to take a potential social hit from the people who disagree with you?

Furries (and people in general) tend to become too entrenched in "MUH OPINIONS!", because their worldview is often centralized around themselves too much, to the point where it does impact their social relationships,
but they also have a tendency to refuse to observe why.

People could cry SJW if they want, but I am of the genuine opinion that Apathy is what allows horrible crimes like this to thrive in environments nobody thinks to scrutinize. I don't care what comfort the Church may offer to some, no amount of fake feelgoods is worth what some of its victims are being put through. It's not a case of MUH OPINIONS so much as a case of I want people to be aware of this, especially those who might actually find themselves in a position that is relevant.

 

7 hours ago, #00Buck said:

Do you have video evidence that this is true? Photos or witness statements from people who were abused? Could you prove it in court?

If the answer is no then you are just being rude and slanderous towards the church he belongs to. He has every right to be upset about it if you are making accusations of child abuse with no evidence to prove it.

Buck, I could dig up an assload of links just like I have so many times before to validate what I'm saying. But I don't think you're a genuine person in the slightest no matter how much you try to pretend you are, so go fuck yourself.

 

5 hours ago, Vae said:

Bluntness is one thing. Being a Truth Crusader is another.
Never mix these up, because they're very different things.

You can be blunt without r/atheism-ing all over someone else.
You can be blunt without intellectually jacking off in public, and making a discussion less of a real exchange of ideas, and more of a platform to fulfill personal desires to feel smart and important.

I am well aware of this, because I used to be THAT person and it took a good slap to wake me up. These days I'm always willing to stop the conversation if someone really gets uncomfortable with it.

Slightly relevant, the individual in question knew me before and after this wake up and still remembers me for my worst. Apparently the effort I've put in (which she has acknowledged in happier instances) doesn't matter when she's in a bad mood. So, back to my original point, I'm stuck on the decision between my two alternating views. She says she doesn't want to see me, but it "doesn't have to be forever."

I don't want to have to say goodbye, I've known her longer than most people I've met through FA. But I also don;t want to have to tiptoe through every conversation we'll have for the sake of keeping her on side. I know exactly what the rational part of me should say, but it's gonna fucking hurt me to say it.

[Falaffel]

Being right doesn't take precedence over not being an asshole to those you like/love. If you're not fun to be around, I won't want to be around you.

Pretty simple, really. 

 

Learn what is and isn't acceptable to do in a social setting among friends like a normal person and you wouldn't have this issue. It's just taking you longer than normal. That's okay, you'll get it~

 

37 minutes ago, FlynnCoyote said:

8 hours ago, #00Buck said:

I will agree with the title of your thread.

Your personality does suck. 

Buck, I could dig up an assload of links just like I have so many times before to validate what I'm saying. But I don't think you're a genuine person in the slightest no matter how much you try to pretend you are, so go fuck yourself.

:3c

Edited September 26, 2016 by Falaffel
quotes are hard

[Jtrekkie]

54 minutes ago, FlynnCoyote said:

Buck, I could dig up an assload of links just like I have so many times before to validate what I'm saying. But I don't think you're a genuine person in the slightest no matter how much you try to pretend you are, so go fuck yourself.

 

And here's another example. Reflect that the Mormon church, like most, has enemies- many of which have few scruples. They do have serious problems, modern and historical, but they do not define the nature of the church no matter how hard people would like for that to be so.

It wasn't the banana bread, you have to realize that. It was three years of being ragged. If you're looking for someone to tell you that you are justified and screw everyone else, you're going to be disappointed. 

If you really want to change, and you most certainly can change your personality, and you want to make yourself a better person, your first step is letting go of your pride.
 

 

[Sidewalk Surfboard]

1 hour ago, FlynnCoyote said:

Buck, I could dig up an assload of links just like I have so many times before to validate what I'm saying. But I don't think you're a genuine person in the slightest no matter how much you try to pretend you are, so go fuck yourself.

And you wonder why people dislike you.

[Endless/Nameless]

it does, yes.

feels satisfying to be right once again, doesn't it?

#worthit?

[Jaysen]

Hey, it's okay buddy, cheer up! ^^ We all have our flaws...

This just means that... you need a special kind of person to be by your side! A kind that doesn't get easily offended because someone disagrees with the slightest little thing about them. Maybe you'll find that someday!

[#00Buck]

6 hours ago, FlynnCoyote said:

Buck, I could dig up an assload of links just like I have so many times before to validate what I'm saying. But I don't think you're a genuine person in the slightest no matter how much you try to pretend you are, so go fuck yourself.

This is why your personality sucks and people don't like you. 

Not only are you rude you are wrong too. I am a genuine person. 

You misjudge people and then shit on them. No wonder people don't want to be around you. 

[FlynnCoyote]

2 hours ago, Jaysen said:

Hey, it's okay buddy, cheer up! ^^ We all have our flaws...

This just means that... you need a special kind of person to be by your side! A kind that doesn't get easily offended because someone disagrees with the slightest little thing about them. Maybe you'll find that someday!

Well I actually have several friends who have seen me at my worst and powered through it in their own way. One of them just stared me in they eye and laughed. Honest to god laughed in my face. It was actually exactly what I needed at the time. Rather than a bunch of posturing and trying to pretend that they were some kind of moral superior like most of the pretentious asshats in this thread, a simple non serious laugh to show me just how much of a dick I was being was all it ever took.

I do have friends who know how to handle me. I guess really my gripe is why can't everyone else harden the fuck up and be like us?

Edited September 26, 2016 by willow
call out

[FlynnCoyote]

4 hours ago, Endless/Nameless said:

it does, yes.

feels satisfying to be right once again, doesn't it?

#worthit?

Yes. It actually does. Maybe it wouldn't if you were someone I was closer to.

4 hours ago, Sidewalk Surfboard said:

And you wonder why people dislike you.

No I really don't. Did I give that impression? I thought I understood it pretty well.

 

[Terminal7]

So you want people to laugh at you? You think that pressure will turn you into a diamond?

I once had pity on you, and I still do.

[FlynnCoyote]

15 minutes ago, Terminal7 said:

So you want people to laugh at you? You think that pressure will turn you into a diamond?

I once had pity on you, and I still do.

I think you missed the point.

But... that's not surprising.

[Terminal7]

4 minutes ago, FlynnCoyote said:

I think you missed the point.

But... that's not surprising.

Then why make this thread?

[Falaffel]

8 minutes ago, FlynnCoyote said:

I think you missed the point.

What honestly was the point?

38 minutes ago, #00Buck said:

I am a genuine person. 

Aha, Buck, your jokes are getting better by the day!

[#00Buck]

17 minutes ago, Falaffel said:

What honestly was the point?

Aha, Buck, your jokes are getting better by the day!

I should have said genuine bass. 

[Recel]

6 minutes ago, #00Buck said:

I should have said genuine bass. 

Yes.

[willow]

7 hours ago, FlynnCoyote said:

People could cry SJW if they want, but I am of the genuine opinion that Apathy is what allows horrible crimes like this to thrive in environments nobody thinks to scrutinize.I don't care what comfort the Church may offer to some, no amount of fake feelgoods is worth what some of its victims are being put through. It's not a case of MUH OPINIONS so much as a case of I want people to be aware of this, especially those who might actually find themselves in a position that is relevant.

but it arguably IS a matter of your opinions. I don't care that much about organised religion, but I don't take it upon me to shit on it at every moment I get just because I don't believe in it, think the people who do believe in it are stupid, or because certain groups use it for bad unless they're trying to force it on me

7 hours ago, FlynnCoyote said:

Buck, I could dig up an assload of links just like I have so many times before to validate what I'm saying. But I don't think you're a genuine person in the slightest no matter how much you try to pretend you are, so go fuck yourself.

I'd suggest losing the attitude

7 hours ago, FlynnCoyote said:

Apparently the effort I've put in (which she has acknowledged in happier instances) doesn't matter when she's in a bad mood.

my guess is that she's been kind of keeping this stuff to herself for awhile. three and a half years of banana bread arguments is kind of a long time. but honestly ask yourself, does the effort you've put into the friendship really matter that much when you've personally hurt your friend?

7 hours ago, FlynnCoyote said:

I don't want to have to say goodbye, I've known her longer than most people I've met through FA. But I also don;t want to have to tiptoe through every conversation we'll have for the sake of keeping her on side. I know exactly what the rational part of me should say, but it's gonna fucking hurt me to say it.

it's not so much tiptoeing to spare people's feelings so much as it is learning a bit of tact and recognising that it's not always about being "right". it's not always about you

[Toshabi]

7 hours ago, Sidewalk Surfboard said:

And you wonder why people dislike you.

To be fair, Buck is as genuine as those singing plastic bass people hung up on their walls in the 90s.

[PastryOfApathy]

8 minutes ago, Toshabi said:

To be fair, Buck is as genuine as those singing plastic bass people hung up on their walls in the 90s.

Exactly.

And Just like those singing Bass things, I would hug it extensively.

[Jtrekkie]

43 minutes ago, Toshabi said:

To be fair, Buck is as genuine as those singing plastic bass people hung up on their walls in the 90s.

 

Those were plastic?

[Sidewalk Surfboard]

7 minutes ago, Jtrekkie said:

Those were plastic?

They're rubber with plastic parts inside.

[Jtrekkie]

34 minutes ago, Sidewalk Surfboard said:

They're rubber with plastic parts inside.

You crush me.

[Cannakitty]

It sounds like all you need is to be respectful of other peoples religious beliefs. Don't argue that someones religion is wrong or fake. It just makes you a less good person.

[#00Buck]

1 hour ago, PastryOfApathy said:

Exactly.

And Just like those singing Bass things, I would hug it extensively.

 

1 hour ago, Sidewalk Surfboard said:

They're rubber with plastic parts inside.

I love you guys.

 

[Sidewalk Surfboard]

11 minutes ago, Cannakitty said:

It sounds like all you need is to be respectful of other peoples religious beliefs. Don't argue that someones religion is wrong or fake. It just makes you a less good person.

You seem to think literally everyone who has their own thoughts and opinions are bad people anyways.

[Cannakitty]

3 minutes ago, Sidewalk Surfboard said:

You seem to think literally everyone who has their own thoughts and opinions are bad people anyways.

I love all good people.

[Sidewalk Surfboard]

19 minutes ago, Cannakitty said:

I love all good people.

But apparently people who disagree with you aren't good people.

[Cannakitty]

OP you're personality doesn't suck. You just need to be more respectful.

[Sidewalk Surfboard]

Just now, Cannakitty said:

OP you're personality doesn't suck. You just need to be more respectful.

Like you haven't done?

[Zeke]

Guys, cool it with the pot-shots.

[Sidewalk Surfboard]

4 minutes ago, Zeke said:

Guys, cool it with the pot-shots.

I'll cool it with pot-shots, but I'll get spicy with the shot put.

[Snagged]

Just because you are blunt and bashing in the facts with the mace of unprecedented evidence doesn't mean people want to hear the through. The saying "ignorance is bliss" is quite accurate because even if we heard the supposed "truth" we may emotionally reject the truth because it is not what we want to hear. As long as we humans are driven by our emotions, being blunt can make one look like an assholes. That's why politicians are so good at rallying people to vote for them because they know what people want to hear and can present the words in a correct way. 

I suppose you could use some political correctness (even though it has lately been criticized) 

And I am saying this because we are humans, we have feelings. We are not robots and you have to take into consideration that you're talking to another human being

If you really want to feel good for being right, ask others to consider their own flaws in their ideologies and when they run out of arguments that would contradict your view, consider yourself a winner (just don't rub your pride into faces of others). Alternatively, take the easy route and let others live in denial/ignorance. It really shouldn't be your business anyway to change their view to suit you (moreso when talking about religion), unless you have something catastrophic happening around you

Regarding of keeping your relationships good, consider presenting your bluntness in the form of questions. It makes people think of their own views, instead of having them be presented with "Here are the facts. Embrace them". Such direct approach is too hard on many and you need to be more subtle. I like to be somewhat blunt (as seen from this post) too but I think everyone should learn creative ways to deliver their thoughts of what is right and what is wrong. You don't have to give up your friends and relationships just because you feel obligated to feel right, you just have to present your arguments and facts and whatnot a little bit differently

Regarding your (ex) girlfriend, she may be gone. My condolences for what you had to go through. You could seek out a new SO who is more tolerable of bluntness or you could take this time to reform of how you say things (as mean as it sounds) and re-evaluate things you could have done or said better, or do both. 

Note: I still do not think that you are an evil person. Being rational is a personality trait I in fact adore

[Vae]

1 hour ago, Sidewalk Surfboard said:

Like you haven't done?

This has nothing to do with the thread, itself, nor is this person the thread OP.

Keep it on-topic, or take this spat to PMs.

[FlynnCoyote]

2 hours ago, Cannakitty said:

It sounds like all you need is to be respectful of other peoples religious beliefs. Don't argue that someones religion is wrong or fake. It just makes you a less good person.

No I really don't, and no it doesn't. Both of these are subjective and personally I find them to be weak arguments.

1 hour ago, Snagged Cub said:

Regarding your (ex) girlfriend, she may be gone. My condolences for what you had to go through. You could seek out a new SO who is more tolerable of bluntness or you could take this time to reform of how you say things (as mean as it sounds) and re-evaluate things you could have done or said better, or do both. 

She's not my girlfriend.

My girlfriend actually did tolerate my bluntness very well, thought it was hilarious too. We split up at a different time for more practical reasons.

[Gamedog]

If you can't get into an argument with your friends then they weren't your friend to begin with

if you're continuously instigating arguments with your friends then you're a bad friend and you don't deserve sympathy

[Cannakitty]

I'm sorry you're having trouble making friends. Maybe you do need to work on your personality.

[Zaraphayx]

On 9/25/2016 at 6:20 AM, FlynnCoyote said:

I am frustratingly torn between two outlooks:

How do I preserve this friendship?
Why should I watch what I say around friends?

The issue here is that I'm pretty straightforward in my opinions most of the time, in one example I was having a group conversation about how utterly bullshit Moronism is while knowing full well that one of the participants was a mormon. At other times I'll tiptoe around topics that I know will offend somebody in order to preserve the friendship. Now, I've been involved with the furry fandom for about five years now going back to mid 2011, and in that time I've made numerous friends, but there have been eight separate occasions now where I have managed to utterly alienate an individual completely against my intentions.

The problem always begins as I make the wrong decision out of the two options above, and then I find myself in a hopeless tirade of trying to soothe ruffled feelings despite knowing full well that I am right. I know I hurt your feelings mormon guy, but fucking hell I AM RIGHT. I am the one being objective here. I am the one trying to be neutral and look at the merits of rationality versus faith from the ground up, and that pisses you off because the facts don't support what you want to believe.

Et Cetera or something along those general lines.

This always leads to a new set of doubts, and I wonder if I should bother tiptoeing around the more sensitive types at all. Would it be better to just be my blunt and direct self and then see who's still around when the dust settles? I know well that doing the exact opposite isn't an option because that just leads to pent up rage resulting in frequent abuse and vulgarity directed at people who don't deserve it. Anyone who remembers me during the early months of Phoenix will know what I mean and will know it took me longer than it should have to settle down. It happened once before on my first FA account, resulting in a veritable shitstorm of online rage that took me two months of cooldown and a new account to start fresh with.

But... I hate losing friends this way. And this last one was probably the most painful one yet. We'd been through tiffs before, huge arguments and in the end even if it took a few weeks we managed to reconcile. I thought we were still on good terms. But just an hour ago, some stupid misunderstanding about banana bread is apparently what tipped the scales and suddenly she remembered three and a half years of on and off negativity between us and decided enough was enough. We've said goodbye before but never like this. This time I'm pretty sure she means it.

And so it seems my horrible inner self has won out yet again without even trying. Times like this I'm at my lowest, I hate who I am and have never been able to change it.

 

Here's my advise:

Stop being a fucking nerd lmao

 

[Dr. Doggo]

15 minutes ago, Zaraphayx said:

Here's my advise:
 

  Hide contents

Stop being a fucking nerd lmao

 

top roste poste

[Guest]

Alright, saw this gained some traction so I decided to read a bit, maybe thinkin you were being hard on yourself. Welp. This is in the spirt of "preserving friendships". 

On 9/25/2016 at 9:20 AM, FlynnCoyote said:

How do I preserve this friendship?
Why should I watch what I say around friends?

You preserve friendships by cherishing your friend, respecting their personal beliefs that don't affect you, and otherwise being a supportive, good friend. You should "watch what you say" in order to maintain these friendships, and instead learn better approaches to having a calm discussion in the frame of mind of being open to a discussion and change, instead of insisting that you are right. At that point, it is a lecture, and absolutely no one wants to be lectured at by someone who wont even take the time to hear them out. 

On 9/25/2016 at 9:20 AM, FlynnCoyote said:

The issue here is that I'm pretty straightforward in my opinions most of the time, in one example I was having a group conversation about how utterly bullshit Moronism is while knowing full well that one of the participants was a mormon.

Replace "mormon" with anything, and you've got an issue. Replace "Mormon" with "Atheist" and you might see what I mean. You don't get to shit all over someone's faith values and preserve the friendship. Was it a discussion where everyone-including the mormon- was providing fair viewpoints in a calm discussion, or where you--

On 9/25/2016 at 9:20 AM, FlynnCoyote said:

I find myself in a hopeless tirade of trying to soothe ruffled feelings despite knowing full well that I am right. I know I hurt your feelings mormon guy, but fucking hell I AM RIGHT. I am the one being objective here. I am the one trying to be neutral and look at the merits of rationality versus faith from the ground up, and that pisses you off because the facts don't support what you want to believe.

Yeahh.. you can't have this attitude if you want to keep friends other than staunch atheists. You aren't ever "right" OR "wrong" because of religious/faith values. It is a collection of beliefs someone has true to their heart. You were insulting this person to their very core. At that point, its wrong to d0 that. You soothe a person because you feel genuine remorse of hurting their feelings, having humility, maturity, and tact to say, "look, I really fucked up and got heated. I'm sorry" without following up with, "I was right" by your actions or words. Furthermore, you can't frame yourself to be the pure minded, objective saint while he is just a ruffled SJWy prat or whatever. You're equals, with things that you both know are strengths and weaknesses.

On 9/25/2016 at 9:20 AM, FlynnCoyote said:

Would it be better to just be my blunt and direct self and then see who's still around when the dust settles?

You gotta ask yourself, is it more important to be RIGHT, or to have Friends? I, personally, refuse to believe it a black or white option, but instead a spectrum. When it comes to discussions to say.. politics or religion, if you otherwise value that friend, deflect or steer off. For things such as media and events you enjoy, that isn't a thing you can be right or wrong with because it has personal preference. The times in which to choose to be "right" is instances of intense racism, homophobia, transphobia, classism, whatever you feel strongly about THAT ALSO involves treating other people. You have to decide for yourself if you want a racist asshole as a friend, and usually that is an instance where its important to be right (in your eyes) instead of retaining Jimbob, the racist friend. Human interaction and behavior is a spectrum, and learning to navigate it takes time, maturity, humility and honesty. 

On 9/25/2016 at 9:20 AM, FlynnCoyote said:

I know well that doing the exact opposite isn't an option because that just leads to pent up rage resulting in frequent abuse and vulgarity directed at people who don't deserve it.

This, however, isn't normal. You should have the adult skills to know when and how to deflect your anger into other, hopefully positive outlets, and not in the form of people. Being a functioning human with your human needs met means a life of compromise. Thats all life is; working with other people to achieve a nice balance. Having two months worth of people angry at you ins't a situation where you are a victim. Take the time to figure out for yourself if the way you treat people is at all a good way to do so. If you remain and say, "this is who I am and I'm not going to compromise on it", then sure, yeah, you're going to have to wait till the dust settles and find just as blunt and- it sounds like- tactless people to surround you. They exist, it just takes time to find them. 

On 9/25/2016 at 9:20 AM, FlynnCoyote said:

But... I hate losing friends this way. And this last one was probably the most painful one yet. We'd been through tiffs before, huge arguments and in the end even if it took a few weeks we managed to reconcile. I thought we were still on good terms. But just an hour ago, some stupid misunderstanding about banana bread is apparently what tipped the scales and suddenly she remembered three and a half years of on and off negativity between us and decided enough was enough. We've said goodbye before but never like this. This time I'm pretty sure she means it.

However, if you feel like this, the way you have dealt with things is unhealthy and damaging to you, and the people around you. Changing something that feels like the very nature of your core is a long, daunting process, and even having outside help like a couple visits or two to a behavioral therapist for adults may help. 

For instance, your wording here is very telling. This girl got tired of the constant huge fights with you, and has felt this way for a long time. The issue here is not the banana bread; its how you handled the banana bread. There are folks here who have had arguments with friends and survived them. You can argue with a friend. You can't do it constantly, and you can't do it in a way that hurts them. Its a shitty way to handle being a human being if all you do is make people tired, irritable, and attacked for things they hold dear, and this may be the view this girl had. The way you said it was flippant, as if you, once again, were the calm mature person and she was irrational and bitter. 

In summation, there's a saying:

"If you run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. If you run into assholes all day, you're the asshole." -Raylan Givens, Justified, and an an important article that a "overly opinionated and blunt" guy wrote: "When you Discover that You're the Asshole". 

[DevilBear]

Just because what you say is right doesn't mean you're right to say it. Only a socially maladjusted imbecile would d-

Oh. Right... Furries.