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Then, I guess, I changed.


Sarcastic Coffeecup
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There comes a time in each of our lives, when we realise that something has changed in us. The change may have been gradual or abrupt, calm or violent. It varies,that much is certain, but it's ever present.

I want to talk about me for once, while I still feel like I want to. It's my turn I hope.

I liked a page on normiebook me from 4years ago would have laughed at in a bad way. Good change going on.

 

 

E: Yes it's edited, Change of heart.

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34 minutes ago, Sarcastic Coffeecup said:

STOP what you're doing! I know you're typing, or thinking of typing an empty comment but please don't. I hate empty "encouraging" words as much as I hate...hateful things. It's meaningless, doesn't work as I don't treat myself as having it bad and you're only posting something nice without even knowing me just to boost your own status as a person who cares about others. 

I resent that yaknow. Even if I don't -really- know you as a person, I still want you to be happy. I give a shit if anybody here is suffering because this community means a lot to me, as silly as it is. I like you dude, I really enjoy speaking with you and I wish I could see more of you. 

I'll spare you the flowery speech about how everything is gonna be okay, and I'll just give you some advice. You're priveleged enough to live in a country where you can see a therapist or a doctor basically for free, so you should swallow your pride and do it. No, fantasizing about self harm and intense suicidal ideation are not normal and something really bad could happen if you continue to ignore it.  It's okay to be cynical and a loner and a night owl, but there's no reason you should have to battle thoughts of suicide. I wouldn't even wish that on people I actively dislike, let alone somebody I consider a friend.

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8 minutes ago, MuttButt said:

I resent that yaknow. Even if I don't -really- know you as a person, I still want you to be happy. I give a shit if anybody here is suffering because this community means a lot to me, as silly as it is. I like you dude, I really enjoy speaking with you and I wish I could see more of you. 

I'll spare you the flowery speech about how everything is gonna be okay, and I'll just give you some advice. You're priveleged enough to live in a country where you can see a therapist or a doctor basically for free, so you should swallow your pride and do it. No, fantasizing about self harm and intense suicidal ideation are not normal and something really bad could happen if you continue to ignore it.  It's okay to be cynical and a loner and a night owl, but there's no reason you should have to battle thoughts of suicide. I wouldn't even wish that on people I actively dislike, let alone somebody I consider a friend.

I live in denial and I am just about the most stubborn person I know. In some way I feel I NEED to sort this out by myself. I have done groundwork in that I've located mental health services within the uni, so should I dip down lower than average I know where to go, I'm safe on that regard.

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57 minutes ago, Sarcastic Coffeecup said:

I live in denial and I am just about the most stubborn person I know. In some way I feel I NEED to sort this out by myself. I have done groundwork in that I've located mental health services within the uni, so should I dip down lower than average I know where to go, I'm safe on that regard.

I dunno man. That's kinda like saying you just need to sort out a broken leg or gangrene or something on your own. I don't think there's any shame in seeking help for an issue that is most likely caused by a physiological/chemical problem in your brain. That said, it's your life, and I suppose it's not unheard of for people to learn to manage their depression on their own. You've got a good head on your shoulders so I trust you, but I really hope you'll keep an open mind to seeking treatment or medication if your efforts prove fruitless. 

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Just now, MuttButt said:

I dunno man. That's kinda like saying you just need to sort out a broken leg or gangrene or something on your own. I don't think there's any shame in seeking help for an issue that is most likely caused by a physiological/chemical problem in your brain. That said, it's your life, and I suppose it's not unheard of for people to learn to manage their depression on their own. You've got a good head on your shoulders so I trust you, but I really hope you'll keep an open mind to seeking treatment or medication if your efforts prove fruitless. 

I'm more afraid of the social downward spiral that typically ensues from such visits, not to mention other things.

I do not want the label on me, I do not want to be on a watch list, I do not want medication, I do not want... I don't know what I want. Maybe just to know I'm not forgotten or completely alienated.

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4 minutes ago, Sarcastic Coffeecup said:

I'm more afraid of the social downward spiral that typically ensues from such visits, not to mention other things.

I do not want the label on me, I do not want to be on a watch list, I do not want medication, I do not want... I don't know what I want. Maybe just to know I'm not forgotten or completely alienated.

Can only be a social downward spiral if you have a social life to spiral downwards from. From the sounds of it, you don't have that; you just keep to yourself and do the work you can manage to force yourself to do.

Please correct me if I'm wrong.

You said you don't want flowery bits of hope or "get better plz" so I'll spare you that. All I know is that I was in a pretty shitty spot mentally for awhile, and the only thing that helped was, in my case, writing. I jumped onto it and hey, it's fun and rewarding. Making shit is cool. The background haze of it all is that you only get one life, and if you don't do anything worth remembering, then it seems like a waste. I don't plan on reproducing, so spreading my genetic slime ain't gonna be the reason I'm here. Has to be something else. I've chosen books.

Granted, that hasn't completely shitcanned the negative thoughts, but I feel like mine aren't severe enough to need to see a therapist. I can ignore them pretty well when they do return. Or indulge for a bit because sometimes outright loathing is cathartic, even if it's directed within.

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1 hour ago, Sarcastic Coffeecup said:

I'm more afraid of the social downward spiral that typically ensues from such visits, not to mention other things.

I do not want the label on me, I do not want to be on a watch list, I do not want medication, I do not want... I don't know what I want. Maybe just to know I'm not forgotten or completely alienated.

I certainly haven't forgotten you.

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13 hours ago, Conker said:

Can only be a social downward spiral if you have a social life to spiral downwards from. From the sounds of it, you don't have that; you just keep to yourself and do the work you can manage to force yourself to do.

Please correct me if I'm wrong.

You said you don't want flowery bits of hope or "get better plz" so I'll spare you that. All I know is that I was in a pretty shitty spot mentally for awhile, and the only thing that helped was, in my case, writing. I jumped onto it and hey, it's fun and rewarding. Making shit is cool. The background haze of it all is that you only get one life, and if you don't do anything worth remembering, then it seems like a waste. I don't plan on reproducing, so spreading my genetic slime ain't gonna be the reason I'm here. Has to be something else. I've chosen books.

Granted, that hasn't completely shitcanned the negative thoughts, but I feel like mine aren't severe enough to need to see a therapist. I can ignore them pretty well when they do return. Or indulge for a bit because sometimes outright loathing is cathartic, even if it's directed within.

I do have a social life actually, but the work I put into it feels like a lot, and the effort I'm willing to put in it is less than enough. Yet I want to keep being social, I just don't know why it is so difficult.

Finding mediums for venting is good, I've done that with drawings and should stick to it. At least it's channeling the bad days into something productive!

I need to start indulging and I do, just not often.

I think I've mood swings, one day it's good, then it's shit and when I read back on my things I've written I feel like this doesn't represent me anymore..up until I dip again and on and on the wheel goes.

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19 hours ago, Sarcastic Coffeecup said:

I'm more afraid of the social downward spiral that typically ensues from such visits, not to mention other things.

I do not want the label on me, I do not want to be on a watch list, I do not want medication, I do not want... I don't know what I want. Maybe just to know I'm not forgotten or completely alienated.


Lots of people are afraid of mental health services for various reasons, but really a social downward spiral isn't a thing, at least not anymore. Your social life way well improve with the aid of a counselor, even.

You can expect guidance and perspective, but you'll still need to put effort in. Going in a workable frame of mind is recommended, though.

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10 hours ago, Sarcastic Coffeecup said:

I think I've mood swings, one day it's good, then it's shit and when I read back on my things I've written I feel like this doesn't represent me anymore..up until I dip again and on and on the wheel goes.

This seems to be the norm with others I know who go through this, though your downward peaks seem a bit more extreme than theirs.

I tell them to go see therapists and they all say "no" for various reasons. They then get better for a bit until the cycle repeats.

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