Rave: Learning how to human/ Improving on flaws

[Vallium]

I dont know if it shows well to anyone else in person, but these past months among newer peers I'm starting to understand how to work past anxieties when dealing with new people

Throughout my life its been rough, elementary school, middle school, high school. I've always been much of a loner, and Im always terrified of others, perhaps because in their youth people are most often immature and un-open minded and are more likely to hurt you, partly because some people just simply look too good for you, and its easy to place them on a higher pedestal before getting to know them. Even in my childhood I've always been a loner and a recluse, I was mostly happy though despite it not being 'normal'. I've also never felt I can ever speak my thoughts properly, as if anxiety created a wall between mind-to-mouth, and I always found writing to make my words flow smoother, an easier channel to work with. Part of it was probably me being anxious Id say the wrong thing, offend someone, look weird, be disgusted at, etc., so I unconsciously keep my mouth shut.

 

Fast forward to later, lots of other smaller milestones in the past, but overall my interactions have always been shaky at best. I tend to avoid social or cut them short, still do to a degree. Anyways, I have a job. Lots of coworkers of different age, sex, race...all polite, sweet, and nice. They tend to be agreeable people, and me being the way I am get sorely attached to people despite my reclusiveness. Being able to work with customers has also helped reduce stress, Im just an anonymous but helpful figure in their eyes, I dont ever have to know them, rather than be friendly and polite. I repeat a script over and over again, few if any customers have time for conversation. Some will willingly share information when they feel like it. Some dont, and thats okay. Sometimes I can ask small questions or make comments and make brief personal banter...each situation is different.

My coworkers themselves all range in age and personality, and most recently have found myself intentionally and unintentionally opening up to them, knowing about their lives, attempting to talk more, being more friendly and trying to share their lives. It helps that my confidence is boosted a bit by self preservation and growth, that I've learned to observe and analyze a bit before or after speaking, that the people around me are mature and kind themselves...it's not bad,

I dont know if I'll ever call any new people my friends quite yet, I often wonder how I even accidently stumbled into those I have, but I at least feel more comfortable and open than I usually do, which is great.

 

 

Anyways, just thought I'd throw that out there, I guess learning to build on a fatal flaw is one of the hardest things in the world, a lifelong struggle perhaps, and will likely continue to work past. Im sure we all have them, something thats a permanant plague, something we cant seem to work past...its probably impossible, but it doesnt hurt to try and keep trying

[#00Buck]

17 minutes ago, WolfNightV4X1 said:

I dont know if it shows well to anyone else in person, but these past months among newer peers I'm starting to understand how to work past anxieties when dealing with new people

Throughout my life its been rough, elementary school, middle school, high school. I've always been much of a loner, and Im always terrified of others, perhaps because in their youth people are most often immature and un-open minded and are more likely to hurt you, partly because some people just simply look too good for you, and its easy to place them on a higher pedestal before getting to know them. Even in my childhood I've always been a loner and a recluse, I was mostly happy though despite it not being 'normal'. I've also never felt I can ever speak my thoughts properly, as if anxiety created a wall between mind-to-mouth, and I always found writing to make my words flow smoother, an easier channel to work with. Part of it was probably me being anxious Id say the wrong thing, offend someone, look weird, be disgusted at, etc., so I unconsciously keep my mouth shut.

 

Fast forward to later, lots of other smaller milestones in the past, but overall my interactions have always been shaky at best. I tend to avoid social or cut them short, still do to a degree. Anyways, I have a job. Lots of coworkers of different age, sex, race...all polite, sweet, and nice. They tend to be agreeable people, and me being the way I am get sorely attached to people despite my reclusiveness. Being able to work with customers has also helped reduce stress, Im just an anonymous but helpful figure in their eyes, I dont ever have to know them, rather than be friendly and polite. I repeat a script over and over again, few if any customers have time for conversation. Some will willingly share information when they feel like it. Some dont, and thats okay. Sometimes I can ask small questions or make comments and make brief personal banter...each situation is different.

My coworkers themselves all range in age and personality, and most recently have found myself intentionally and unintentionally opening up to them, knowing about their lives, attempting to talk more, being more friendly and trying to share their lives. It helps that my confidence is boosted a bit by self preservation and growth, that I've learned to observe and analyze a bit before or after speaking, that the people around me are mature and kind themselves...it's not bad,

I dont know if I'll ever call any new people my friends quite yet, I often wonder how I even accidently stumbled into those I have, but I at least feel more comfortable and open than I usually do, which is great.

 

 

Anyways, just thought I'd throw that out there, I guess learning to build on a fatal flaw is one of the hardest things in the world, a lifelong struggle perhaps, and will likely continue to work past. Im sure we all have them, something thats a permanant plague, something we cant seem to work past...its probably impossible, but it doesnt hurt to try and keep trying

Your personality sucks. 

Ha Ha!

Just kidding. 

I like when people make these sincere posts about themselves. It's really cool that the forum is a place where people can be open and honest like this. 

I used to be painfully shy too. Exposure to life and in particular sales jobs got me over that. It was just repeated exposure to people and having to interact with them over and over again. I learned how to be friendly and polite and helpful. But I didn't really learn how to have an awesome time. I think it hasn't been until the past few years that I really learned how to make friends and have fun socially with strangers.

In fact if I knew in the past what I know now I would have gotten laid more, met more fun people, gone to more parties, and generally been a much happier and fun person. 

So just keep meeting people and have fun with it. As time goes on you'll start to enjoy it and then things will really take off. I think you're a very likeable person and being social will come naturally to you. Also love yourself - in the mental way not the physical way. As in be confident and reinforce the good things about you. If you believe in yourself other people will too. 

Thanks for sharing. 

[Therapy Sergal]

1 hour ago, WolfNightV4X1 said:

I tend to avoid social or cut them short

There's nothing wrong about that.

[Vallium]

1 hour ago, Therapy Sergal said:

There's nothing wrong about that.

To an extent, I still do it because its best to play it safe sometimes. Overdoing it is...I guess hurting my chances and letting my anxiety get the best of things

3 hours ago, #00Buck said:

yep 

I wont deny that my personality does suck :v

Thanks for hearing, haha!

I just think its important to be aware of your flaws and to not hurt those around you, hoping everyone knows that and does something about it, and actually do something about it.

[Therapy Sergal]

12 minutes ago, WolfNightV4X1 said:

To an extent, I still do it because its best to play it safe sometimes. Overdoing it is...I guess hurting my chances and letting my anxiety get the best of things

Chances for what ? You aren't obliged to talk to people. There isn't some quota, like "talk to 10 people a week or go to jail". Forcing yourself to interact is the exact reason why interacting makes you anxious. Just do what you enjoy

[evan]

are we aboutto plague OP with pedantic backtalk over the value of overcoming social anxiety

 

because that would be a very very bad post......................

 

edit: i'm probably being a bit more confrontational than i need to be, but i am strongly of the opinion that saying "do what you enjoy" in the face of making what OP feels is positive changes is counterproductive

[Guest]

I'm glad to see you're making good, positive changes to your life, OP. Keep making them. 

[Vallium]

4 hours ago, Therapy Sergal said:

Chances for what ? You aren't obliged to talk to people. There isn't some quota, like "talk to 10 people a week or go to jail". Forcing yourself to interact is the exact reason why interacting makes you anxious. Just do what you enjoy

IDK, I've lived life long enough to know being adverse to social interaction is counterproductive in an age where some sort of co-partnership is necessary for survival; team projects, work tasks, etc. require you to be around others, and its miserable if its uncomfortable and you cant cooperate. If I lived the transcendentalist life in Walden pond on my own it'd be different philosophically speaking but I struggle with the social norms of society demands, 

I appreciate your viewpoint though, I often wonder why I have to be viewed as sociable and have many friends to be viewed as functional and "normal", seems odd and Im glad it turns out it isnt as widely held a view. I guess an easy and fair viewpoint is more or less a healthy amount of both? idk

1 hour ago, evan said:

are we aboutto plague OP with pedantic backtalk over the value of overcoming social anxiety

 

because that would be a very very bad post......................

 

edit: i'm probably being a bit more confrontational than i need to be, but i am strongly of the opinion that saying "do what you enjoy" in the face of making what OP feels is positive changes is counterproductive

Maybe? Wouldnt be a thread without someone contradicting someone's views :v There's always one...

[FlynnCoyote]

10 hours ago, WolfNightV4X1 said:

I dont know if I'll ever call any new people my friends quite yet, I often wonder how I even accidently stumbled into those I have, but I at least feel more comfortable and open than I usually do, which is great.

If you are genuinely happy where you work, and the people are easy to get along with then you're on a good start. I was in pretty much the same position eight years ago but between a good workplace and a weekend wargaming club I managed to make about a dozen good friends. Finding time for social gatherings isn't always going to be easy, and I still suffer moments of social anxiety as well but being aware of it as you are at least gives you a point to work towards. I guess the best advice I can give is just don't feel the need to press forward too fast, it sounds like you're doing great.