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rave: progress


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i'm currently in a bit of a busy kick with school, and unfortunately something that seems to go in line with that is if too many things go wrong i self destruct

the past few days haven't been great and i've been having some very short moments of disocciation from exhaustion

so today was very difficult, it was the thoughts i had when i was in a much worse place. i got almost nothing done for most of today and i was slipping into a state of incapacitation. it felt like i was just going to go back to that bad place where nothing would be done ever

but i got up. i just turned on a song i liked and i got back to work. i feel capable of getting to the place i should be.

and when i think about that sort of stuff i feel much much happier. there's a thread on suicide in here right now, and it brought me back to moments where i would spend nights consistently in mania, and was totally incapable of getting anywhere.  i really thought i would have done it by the time i was 20. but i'm here.

things aren't perfect yet and i'm sure there'll be bad times ahead, but i'm enjoying something right now. i feel like within all of it it's not hopeless.


more importantly, i feel like i have a reason to live. there was a long time where i just...didn't. i wouldn't have seen any loss in going away, but now i feel something worth going for. this has been a long time building up, but this is the first day where it kept me afloat when i thought i'd sink.

i can do this.

i'm going to go finish this piece i need to write and more importantly be who i should be. thanks for listening.

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Thanks for sharing Evan. It was great to meet you and you seem like a very sweet person. I'm sorry to hear you've had hard times in the past. Good for you getting yourself motivated. I had a really tough day at work today. I seldom wake up feeling like I want to work but I get up and go. I've also been working out in the evenings to get healthier. I didn't want to go. I wanted to just lie on the couch. But I dragged myself out of the house and went to the gym. Staying motivated is tough and mostly a mental endurance thing.

I'm glad you have a reason to live. I hope that as time goes on you have many more reasons to live. Yeah you can do it. Also being loved and appreciated by other people is good but being able to love an appreciate yourself is even better. I'm still trying very hard to get better at being good to myself. I have no problem being nice to other people. It's myself that I usually put last. Which is not a good way to live your life. Anyway, good luck with what you're doing and have fun. I hope to see you again some time. 

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