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Mauling the Movies


Faust
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Here's a fun one! I got the idea from a book.

Pick a movie title. You are allowed to add, remove or change ONE LETTER ONLY. Then write a brief synopsis of the plot of your newly-created movie.

Example:

Peed
When a terrorist announces that he's put a bomb on a bus that will detonate if it goes below 30 miles per hour, Keanu Reeves wets himself and runs away. He spends the rest of the movie looking for a dry cleaners while someone with better bladder control defuses the bomb.

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The Lyin King. (The first Law And Order: SVU movie) 

  After an FBI investigation of Hilary Clinton many revelations are made, including the fact she is actually a male and purchases underage Russian sex slaves (played by 45 yr old women) for his and his husbands enjoyment unbeknownst to the public. Because this is an NBC product many of the actors and actresses reject these facts so our lead detectives refuse to take further action as their jobs would be in jeopardy. ICE-T being the only one willing to shed light on the information steps up, ironically enough. It is up to him to shed light on these revelations and help bring justice before Tronald Dump loses the election and the world crumbles. 

 (I know I technically cheated..but close enough!)

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Die Lard

A heart-tugging documentary of a man who dies on Christmas eve after finding himself too fat to extricate himself from his office. An attempted helicopter medivac goes horribly wrong and critics praised to use of explosions and subtle themes of holiday overconsumption

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A Night Bare on Elm Street

After accidentally getting locked out of his house in the nude, Freddy Kruger is mistaken for a pervert. He exacts his bloody revenge on more or less anyone that sees him and laughs at his teeny-tiny peepee.

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Stair Wars

Groups of children battle for control of a flight of stairs using pillows and nerf guns. Don't miss the unforgettable, iconic twist when you-know-who is revealed to actually adopted, and fighting his older sibling, psychologically scarring him for years to come. Fun for the whole family!

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The Breakfast Cub

Join a group of lovable, delinquent teen bears with nothing in common, as they spend Saturday detention dipping croissants in honey, and somehow end up best friends by the end of the movie, for no apparent reason aside from hormones.

 

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(It counts if I change one character in a foriegn film even tho it's three for romanisation and a new word for English.. right?)

逆転裁判 (Gyakuten Saibancho/Turnabout Judge)

Bio: It seems His Honour has found himself under arrest! Will Phoenix Wright and the gang be able to help him out? Or will poor Udgey end up in prison like all those he's put in there before...

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Doctor Strangle

A former neurosurgeon dabbles inexpertly in magic and mysticism and is possessed by Fondl, the obscure demon of immense hands. With his new oversized manual appendages he dubs himself Doctor Strangle and sets out to seize crime by the throat!

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PAWS

After numerous tourists are dragged off a New England beach and sucked down into the most depraved depths of the furry fandom by a fursuited otter, the mayor decides something must be done. He teams up with a grizzled sea-captain and a noted scientist, only to find themselves as veritable plush-toy-foxes, reveling in an anything goes room party at a nearby furry convention, from which they emerge with only dim memories, and sore behinds. 

Rated R. 

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Casa Blanka

The big savage green guy from Street Fighter 2 uses his winnings to buy a mansion in Mexico, where he comes into conflict with developers attempting to build a 20-foot-high fence across his territory. Needless to say, he layeth the smackdown on all of them.

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Karate Kit

The amazing tale of a down-on-his luck child whose parent's marriage is falling apart, and whose local karate dojo is about to go bankrupt and be sold to evil land developers to become a mini-mall, in a small town threatened by a group of bandit-ninja-pirates that finds himself lost in a haunted forest cursed by an ancient spider-monk. There he meets the incredible fox: Karate Kit! Can Karate Kit kick this kid out of the forest to break the curse in time to enter the big karate tournament at the dojo to win the big prize and attract enough interest from people to save the dojo so they can train the townspeople to defeat the bandits while bringing back together the kids parents?! Fox yeah he can!

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Some Alone 2

A movie about a kid named Kevin AND his friends who gets lost in New York during a seemingly regular holiday flight to warm beaches abroad. While the kids are smart, there is no helping that the local pair of bandits have taken interest in the kids activity. The kids start quarreling and disperse. Some managed to contact their family members, some taken under custody of the local police but there are still some kids and Kevin who are alone in the Big Apple, trying to survive with whatever they get by... and Kevin being fortunate enough to possess his father's credit card and PIN. Some are still alone out there in NY... will they ever get help and be rescued from the claws of the local wet bandits?

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Harry Potter and the Oder of the Pheonix

Harry discovers that the odor of a rotting pheonix smells especially bad, so he takes the corpse of the decaying bird, creates an emulsion, and sprays himself with it, to keep his enemies away. Sadly, it keeps everyone away, but we are spared any more films.

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Heh, let's do the whole series!

Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stoned

Harry Potter isn't a wizard, but the professor of philosophy from the local university breaks into the chemistry department, gets wasted on mescaline and tells him he is anyway. The two set off on a crazy road-trip across South England experimenting with dangerous narcotics and looking for Hogwarts in various disused factories, train stations and rubbish dumps.

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Harry Potter and the Deathly Mallows - Part 1

Harry and co. are sent to look into a murder mystery involving very deadly marshmallows. Will they figure out who killed Professor Dumbledore? Will the killer try to kill Professor Umbridge next? Find out in the next part!

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Nighthare on Elm Street

 

A terrifying rabbit has been spotted haunting a sleepy street, attacking people's gardens and burrowing under fences. How will a group of four friends cope with this new problem, and save their prized tomato's from the hungry teeth of their worst Nighthare!

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Jack Preacher

The Bishop of New York must instigate a coverup on behalf of the Roman Catholic church after a priest is spotted jacking it in public by five independent witnesses. The coverup involves a consecrated sniper rifle and a buttload of Hail Marys as penitence.

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Buffy the Vampire Layer 

The film version of the popular TV show about a highschool girl, who keeps laying eggs that hatch into vampires. Despite efforts to keep her secret, she is discovered on her hidden nest behind the bleaches in the gym, lays an egg and flees. Will the school be able to stop this egg-laying menace, and what kind of omelettes do they make? Rated PG-13, just because.

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Cattlestar Galactica (1978)

Carrying hundreds of cows from a distant planet, the spaceship Galactica attempts to reach Earth. Along the way, however, the bovine crew must battle a legion of enemy robots, sent by McDonad's, who are now only a handful of the most elite, luxury restaurants in the galaxy, as cattle have been extinct on Earth for many decades. Can our bovine buddies escape their enemies, and find peace on a planet eager for more than just their udders? Find out, as this movie milks a second rate TV show for all it's worth. 

 

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A Fistful of Collars

A grizzled, nameless cowboy wades into the middle of two packs of brawling dogs and manages to keep them apart by dint of grabbing them by the neck jewellery and holding them at arm's length in opposite directions.

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  • 1 month later...

It's a Wonderful Lift

A Former Mr. Universe rediscovers the meaning of weightlifting after a vivid dream induced by a food coma. He sees how different the world would be if he had stayed home eating cheetos; his spotter friends skip leg day, his favorite gym becomes overrun by new year resolution newbies, and the girl of his dreams just has a boring life married to some other weightlifter. He awakes and vows to get back in shape. Features the world's longest 80s montage!

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  • 1 month later...

Binding Dory

Fish can be slippery creatures, and hard to tie down, but in this sizzling S&M sequel to Nemo, a sadistic squid manages to do all this and more with the help of some aggressive sea anemones, as Nemo and his friends watch helplessly.

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5 minutes ago, Fossa-Boy said:

Binding Dory

Fish can be slippery creatures, and hard to tie down, but in this sizzling S&M sequel to Nemo, a sadistic squid manages to do all this and more with the help of some aggressive sea anemones, as Nemo and his friends watch helplessly.

Please nobody call rule 34 on this one!

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Batman: the Lovie

It turns out that Bruce Wayne is a bit of a camp theatre darling in private, as everyone finds out when a fly-on-the-wall documentary catches Batman giving Superman wardrobe tips, admiring Green Lantern's stunning jewellery, engaging in group hugs with the New Avengers, calling Wonder Woman 'Dear Heart' and agonising over whether or not to finally get rid of that camp grey onesie he wore in the 60's.

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  • 1 month later...
  • 3 weeks later...

Ghost Dusters

Follow the antics of a trio of unemployed spooks, as they attempt to start a home cleaning service. While some customers complain of blobs of sticky ectoplasm on counters and toilet seats, others are annoyed because too often, the dust cloths and brooms just pass through the objects they are contacting, leaving the dust undisturbed. Even when they scare the crap out of someone, they're helpless to clean it up. 

 

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Hatrix 

A movie about a vindictive and hateful man named Neo who realizes the reality is not what it looks like and starts to fight against in two different worlds and manages to reach his goal three times yet still remaining bitter to everyone around him

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RoboCoop

Life is hard for the chickens living on the mean streets of Detroit, until a bad-ass robotic rooster comes to town, to single-handedly show the foxes  and weasels who's boss in this action packed, dystopian classic.

 

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The Bass Baby

Jimmy starts to think there's something wrong with his younger brother. He's always wet and slippery, he spends an inordinate amount of time in the bath, and he's kinda smelly, but not in the proper smelly-baby way. In fact, if Jimmy didn't know better, he'd say his baby brother...

...was a FISH.

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  • 2 months later...

Planet of the Capes

The inevitable has happened. Every single person in the entire Marvel Universe has become a superhero or supervillain. With no civilians to save from imminent peril and no easy targets to rob, they all give up in disgust and throw one massive 'who has the best costume' competition.

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On 7/5/2017 at 3:54 AM, Faust said:

Planet of the Capes

The inevitable has happened. Every single person in the entire Marvel Universe has become a superhero or supervillain. With no civilians to save from imminent peril and no easy targets to rob, they all give up in disgust and throw one massive 'who has the best costume' competition.

aka City of Heroes: The Movie. The character creator in that game was more fun than the game itself (although the game wasn't bad either).

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The Special Olympian (not mine)

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Doomguy

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Castle Bravo (radiation-based superhero)

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Corporal Shephard with trusty pipewrench (from HL:OPFOR)

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