[Semi-rave] On "precarious manhood"

[Jerry]

As part of my wonderful quest for self-discovery, I read about a wide array of sociological subjects, and one of them is particularly interesting.

It's this theory called the "precarious manhood". In short it describes how the status of a "real man" is earned by achievements and can be easily revoked at the slightest faux-pas, sometimes irreversibly, whereas women simply get to BE woman, by their innate attributes. I'm not going to write an entire essay on the subject, as there's a lot of generalization and the reality is probably much more nuanced.

But the general idea still sounds spot on. Say the 3ft-long grocery list of things one is supposed to succeed at if he wants to be granted the "real man" status. I'm sure tons of men play the game with no second thought, and probably succeed at least partly in the process. .However from MY perspective, which is one of an impossibly handicapped guy in that respect, I can't help but being struck by how incredibly burdening it'd feel if I even just TRIED. That's insane.

And even then, now that I'm a full-grown adult, when I remember my years in school, things start to fall in their own place. At long last, I'm figuring out why I was an outcast, and especially why my situation went from harsh, but somewhat reversible (had I known what to do), to one that's relatively less hostile, but much more immutable. I feel stupid for not noticing it, but one other thing took place at that very moment: my classmates were getting into their first relationships, interest in the opposite sex was kicking in, except for me, Most likely it screamed GAY, and sealed my fate. That explains so much. Why guys started avoiding me from that moment on. Why out of three gay guys I knew in person, ALL three showed interest in getting in a relationship with me. Why at the time not a single girl showed even an ounce of interest. Something must've changed the game. Those guys were most likely told they had a chance. "Go on! He's gay, everybody knows it!" (Turns out it's true, after all. Talk about being oblivious, I was radiating rainbows without even being aware of it  LOL).

I still remember very clearly how those three gay guys let me know they were attracted to me, each in his own way. It still makes me cringe thinking about it, but I reacted very femininely to their indirect proposal. If anything, it probably exposed my natural self, And it's indeed after the first occurrence (at 13) that things quickly changed. My friends started avoiding me, one after the other. Before long a second guy was getting friendly with me. I was like "Cool! A new friend!". This friendship had an intellectual connection that I liked. At some point he started to express his frustration over how we weren't seeing each other often enough. I ended up cutting ties with him thinking he was just an overly social guy. But now I realize he actually had a crush on me, and I'm getting the impression I might've really hurt him... It didn't end in a hostile way but the last message he sent me clearly implied he was giving up. It's in my resolutions this year to contact him and discuss a bit with him about all this.

The 3rd guy was really annoying. At first bitchy but then got quite a bit more serious in his approach. One day in art class he literally sat at the desk in front of me and went into date-mode! He very seriously told me: "Tell me more about you." Needless to say I was confused but especially very uncomfortable, knowing that an entire classroom was witnessing an improvised date between me and "the gay guy", or should I say "the OTHER gay guy". I was 15 at that point. Curiously enough it was very soon after this that my few remaining friends started getting harassed, then avoiding me in a complete 180-turn. I saw 2 lifelong and 2 very longtime friendships being ruined almost at once.

It's all clear now. Over the course of 4 years I've been permanently labelled "pussy" and "fag", and gossiping being what it is, the word spread, further cementing my situation. Which brings me back to this notion of a "real man" status. Decidedly I've always been so feminine (that is, in mannerisms, attitude, interests, but also physically later on) that it was game over from the start. Until last year it was gradually making me sink into depression. Not quite close, but still on the way to. I simply couldn't imagine how on earth I would manage to "fake it till I make it" to such an extent, in order to at least be somewhat in the game.

But now there's a new factor. Not only am I gay, but one enormous homo who likely won't resist to the really masculine ones. Y'know, muscles, V-taper and all.

It is said with this "manhood" thing that it's really difficult for an homosexual guy to access this quasi-sacred status of "real man", and the feminine ones really are the absolute lowest class.and shouldn't even hope getting close to deserving that status. My past experience definitely confirms this. But at the same time I've witnessed most guys incessantly defending their manhood status through competitions of all sorts, and how painful it must be when it's compromised, even just temporarily. Their situation looked much more pressuring than mine. I was reminded that my label was "pussy", by mockery and rejection, especially in guy-dominated contexts like sports, but otherwise I was mostly left alone, and definitely not pressured into getting in the "manhood" game, nor did I ever FEEL the need to engage in it.

I wonder if this can be transposed into adulthood, albeit nuancedly. And in such a case, if my femininity as a gay man is a curse, a blessing, or a liberation.

 

 

 

I wanted this short. But there you go, another nerd essay.

[AleuLeLoup]

In my honest opinion, a "real man" would own his traits rather than pretend to be something else just for some arbitrary approval of society. But I MIGHT be a bit biased in my own experiences.

[Shiro]

I also struggled with my identity back in those days, but my problem was that I was always content with mediocrity. I never tried to be more than I was, or tried to reach my full potential. Though I can't exactly relate to the situation you have described about yourself, just remember, never compare yourself to an ideal, or to others. You are not a copy, you are an original. Craft your own individuality, and the rest will follow in time. Good luck out there in this big and hectic world we call home.

[Feelwell]

This is why being a real man sucks.

Although the only people I know of who I guess might shun gay people are all people I, as a habit, stay far away from.
The really quite boring people.

Except for this one guy whom was a distant friend and is apparently slightly homophobic..? 

[Eggdodger]

So I read an article on "precarious manhood". Interesting. Funny enough, I tend to stay away from guys that act like that (as in, those that maintain their "precarious manhood"). For one, they remind me of my dad and that's weird. Two, I have never found macho posturing endearing (and it's cringe-worthy how many nerd-types I see doing it). Three, these tend to be the people who feel inexplicably threatened when around transwomen, or even ciswomen that are stronger or taller than them. Oops.

[FlynnCoyote]

As one of the relatively few straight males in this community, I feel I should point out that your so called "precarious manhood" is totally a thing and requires constant self awareness and effort to maintain. 

I would explain more, but apathy is a requirement as well. :v

[LazerMaster5]

I never got the point of "real men". It's just trying to fit in with an overly masculine, hypersexual crowd. I say fuck that, do your own thing and don't worry about the norm. 

Of course what am I saying, I am a man of average proportions who likes heavy metal and muscle cars and offroaders and barbecue and guns and is learning how to weld. Maybe it just comes natural to me.

Either way, focus not on who others want you to be, but instead focus on who you want to be.

[GarthTheWereWolf]

I think Rudyard Kipling had a pretty good handle of what a real man is <;

"IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!"

[Fantasma]

I never really understood why people value such overt over-compensation so much.... it just seems so silly.

I guess my father, my friends growing up, and pretty much everyone I assosciated with never gave much to this concept either and maybe that would be why it would seem so foreign to me.

 

But hey from a transgirl to a femme gay guy, you get em (guy?).

[Vallium]

Embrace who you are, become one with the femboy :v

 

Dont worry, Jerry. Middle school and high school tends to be the worst with statuses and roles and "playing the game". Adulthood is more like, hey be a responsible, passionate, and dependable adult man and that's what will matter. If you go into a respectable career field that isnt all about hierarchies and conventions youre going to get the natural law of respecting differences in race, religions, sexualities, genders, class, etc. You cant survive in the real world being a dick to people who are different than you, there are too many different people. Sometimes when people radiate genuine kindness and respect, people see that, and that's who they want

Anyways, sorry you went through those phases with immature peers.

 

 

You should seriously contact that guy though, I beg of you. Mostly if to come clean about the misunderstanding you feel bad about, I know I feel the same way about my past peers. Plus, if he isnt dating it may very well be an opportunity for you. Go for it, dude!

[Vallium]

Embrace who you are, become one with the femboy :v

 

Dont worry, Jerry. Middle school and high school tends to be the worst with statuses and roles and "playing the game". Adulthood is more like, hey be a responsible, passionate, and dependable adult man and that's what will matter. If you go into a respectable career field that isnt all about hierarchies and conventions youre going to get the natural law of respecting differences in race, religions, sexualities, genders, class, etc. You cant survive in the real world being a dick to people who are different than you, there are too many different people. Sometimes when people radiate genuine kindness and respect, people see that, and that's who they want

Anyways, sorry you went through those phases with immature peers.

 

 

You should seriously contact that guy though, I beg of you. Mostly if to come clean about the misunderstanding you feel bad about, I know I feel the same way about my past peers. Plus, if he isnt dating it may very well be an opportunity for you. Go for it, dude!

 

Here's a little clip regarding "the game" you are referring to

 

[AyGee]

I wish I could say I empathized less with the notion, Jerry, cause that would make me appear more manly.

But for srs, I feel as though I've had that same, unwanted reputation following me since high school.  I never got into a relationship... ever, but particularly in those teenage years when sex and how much your getting is one's only measure of worth as a human for some arbitrary reason.  I avoided them because I viewed giving in to such things as weak-minded and a recipe for disaster, and this wasn't helped any by the fact that every time one of my friends got a girlfriend, that meant there would be a nasty breakup and my circle of friends would be cut in half as I was forced to take sides.  Fast forward a couple more years of watching this, and then people without this experience take a look at me and my lack of ever having a girlfriend and start to ask questions - occasionally asking point-blank if I'm gay.  I can say with confidence that I'm straight, but I think I might have trouble exuding that short of loudly announcing it every time I enter a room.  Grew a sweet beard, though people seem to less associate that with manliness and more with Amish'ness (stupid Pennsylvania).

Good to hear things have a (potentially) more graceful resolution on your end, though.  I'm gonna try playing with power tools and watching beer while drinking football. :V

[Saxon]

In my experience as the boys grew up and became men, they stopped worrying so much about whether they appeared masculine.

[FlynnCoyote]

20 minutes ago, Saxon said:

In my experience as the boys grew up and became men, they stopped worrying so much about whether they appeared masculine.

Only the ones with tiny muscles. :v

[Jerry]

It's great to see people who don't buy into this whole gender role thing. I don't either. Or more precisely, it never was meant for me. Which is probably why I don't feel (nor do I truly understand, for that matter) the pressure to claim, earn and fight to keep a status of "masculinity".

As twisted as it may sound, it's by creating and refining my fursona over time that I can figure out what works for me. With a mix of elegance and androgyny I really seem to be on to something. As part of some cosplay activity it sounds super appealing.

On 2017-01-31 at 0:27 PM, WolfNightV4X1 said:

Anyways, sorry you went through those phases with immature peers.

 

 

You should seriously contact that guy though, I beg of you. Mostly if to come clean about the misunderstanding you feel bad about, I know I feel the same way about my past peers. Plus, if he isnt dating it may very well be an opportunity for you. Go for it, dude!

Yeah it sucked. Such was school for me. It's been almost 7 years since I graduated, now that I think about it. Before long it'll be 10... >_<

I will, that's for sure. At the very least just to let him know I wasn't aware of what was going on. As far as relationship goes, I had such an intellectual connection with him, but on my side it was just platonic. I wouldn't necessarily be opposed to getting back in touch with him as friends though.

On 2017-01-31 at 9:11 AM, LazerMaster5 said:

I never got the point of "real men". It's just trying to fit in with an overly masculine, hypersexual crowd. I say fuck that, do your own thing and don't worry about the norm. 

Of course what am I saying, I am a man of average proportions who likes heavy metal and muscle cars and offroaders and barbecue and guns and is learning how to weld. Maybe it just comes natural to me.

Either way, focus not on who others want you to be, but instead focus on who you want to be.

Yeah I like many guy things, but without the ridiculous hyper-competitiveness that often come with them. I like to build things too, on my own. I still totally see myself fitting a car drivetrain into a dune-buggy, or turn a 10-wheeler into a pull truck. But working on vehicles everyday was not for me, too hard but especially too unnatural to perform properly in the industry. Creativity comes more naturally to me so I'll do myself a favour by taking this path instead.

BTW your sig cracks me up everytime.

"Weeeeeeeeeeee-OOF!"

[Vallium]

Speaking of if you ever build and wear that cosplay I will hit the like button on that so hard

[Jerry]

14 hours ago, WolfNightV4X1 said:

Speaking of if you ever build and wear that cosplay I will hit the like button on that so hard

I would really like to eventually, maybe even this year. I may start with the hat if I can find some material like felt in the proper shade of purple.