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what a joke


Gator
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warning ahead of time, this probably gets more and more incoherent as it goes along because i'm about to be late for work or something :^)  don't read if you don't like jumbled depression garbage.

 

my whole existence is a big, hi-larious joke.  it's just been one thing after another, some weird mix of snowballing into a huge clusterfuck of issues and being stuck, unchanging, stagnating while all those issues just fester and rot me from the inside out while i'm unable to do anything about them.  what the hell do i even do?  every time i think things are changing for the better, everything comes to a screeching halt and instead of getting better, they just get worse again.  because that's what i need, to add another stupid problem on every time i take a step, never mind the fact that i can't tell whether i'm stepping forwards or backwards.  because it's probably neither; at this rate, i'm just running in place and making myself sick. 

the best and funniest part of all, though, is seeing things i never had a chance to get being given away freely to people around me.  seeing a younger sibling get things that will set her up for independence in the future, from the same people who laughed at the very idea of giving those things to me when i was her age.  and i'm damn glad she gets those things, don't get me wrong, but how the hell do you expect me to congratulate her when i'm fucking shaking over here remembering what happened when i tried the same shit over ten years ago?  when your sixteen year old sibling is doing better than you are and you're only getting closer and closer to 30, something's very wrong.  and everyone around you knows it and will take any opportunity to rub it in; they're never going to let you forget it.

i think i really am about to just give up.  i don't know what that means yet, but i feel less and less like what i'm doing is worth anything.  every day i wonder why the hell i'm here, why i'm bothering, what i'm working so hard for when nothing ever changes anyway.  and that's just it: nothing.  it's all for nothing.  nothing is ever going to change if i stay here and try to work hard in the conventional way, because i don't have the conventional background to make it work.  i don't have support from peers and family members.  i don't have experience or money.  i don't have an ounce of charm or talent in my broken, worthless body.  so why am i trying to do the things people who have all of that do?  i think it's time i accept the fact that i'm not a real person, never have been, and probably never will be, so i should stop trying so hard to play like one.  just go for a walk one day and never come back, find my own way, do shit the "unconventional" way because apparently i'm just so gosh-darned "unique" and "unconventional" and SPECIAL!!  all bullshit code for broken and abnormal and incapable of functioning like a proper human being, of course, but hey, you have your own special talents!  except those are more like hobbies that you're not actually very good at, that you couldn't make a living off of, that you constantly hear mixed messages about: oh you're so good at this you should do X for a living i don't know why you're wasting your talent doing things that are beneath you when you could be doing something with what god gave you, vs this is so childish and stupid it's not a real job and you're not good enough to make money off of it, you need to find a more realistic path to follow. 

what the hell path is there for me?  i don't fit in anywhere.  i'm not good at anything.  my dreams are stupid.  i'm stupid.  i think i'd be better off just living alone in the damn woods or something, but hey, i've also got medical problems and chronic loneliness.  i'd die in a week.  but i guess that's just what i'm destined for anyway.

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Really sucks to hear, Gator. 

I dont have any deep, influential advice or ideas for you to change. You do seem to work hard though, so maybe one day shit will finally pay off in something really random, or I guess maybe wishful thinking on my optimistic part, but it might be nice to dream about, doesnt hurt.

Hopefully you have a few good people in your life to carry you through the neverending stream of hopelessness

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I've had thoughts and situations almost like yours a great deal of times, and no matter how shitty or hopless I feel about the situation or mindset I'm in, I always just try to remember, this too shall pass.

Sometimes, the rough patches in our lives feel like they will last forever. Very few problems last a lifetime, so I just try to remind myself, things will not be this bad forever. Just put forward 100%,  be the best you that you can be, and that is enough. I wish you the best in your endeavors, and I hope things improve for you in the near future.

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When I was in school and had no real idea of what to do in life I focused on subjects I was good at, then reality happened and I found I wasn't as good as everyone there made me out to be.

I have had people say I'm super good with my skills when really I am average at best, an old friend used to want me to take A level art and wished I would do more traditional art instead of digital. I had good reasons to not do these and she wondered why I was "wasting my talent" , in the end she got unhappy that I drew anthro stuff and did away with me.

So I wasn't left wondering what to do I made contingency plans for what to focus on and as a result I have tried all kinds of mundane subjects, dropping then when I couldn't see them working. 

I went into electrical engineering after finding I was only average at programming and awful at web design despite being told I was good with computers a lot at home, when I couldn't fix computer problems at home I was blamed for not being good enough. 

I know you may have heard this before but have you considered a job in a STEM related area? Most of the people in my class have been in similar awkward situations to yours, they told me thry have coped with stuff like depression, drugs, chronic medical stuff, high or low expections, being broke and being unable to come out without problems to get where they are now.

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On 2/4/2017 at 10:46 PM, WolfNightV4X1 said:

Really sucks to hear, Gator. 

I dont have any deep, influential advice or ideas for you to change. You do seem to work hard though, so maybe one day shit will finally pay off in something really random, or I guess maybe wishful thinking on my optimistic part, but it might be nice to dream about, doesnt hurt.

Hopefully you have a few good people in your life to carry you through the neverending stream of hopelessness

dreams can turn into goals, i guess.

On 2/4/2017 at 11:27 PM, Shiro said:

I've had thoughts and situations almost like yours a great deal of times, and no matter how shitty or hopless I feel about the situation or mindset I'm in, I always just try to remember, this too shall pass.

Sometimes, the rough patches in our lives feel like they will last forever. Very few problems last a lifetime, so I just try to remind myself, things will not be this bad forever. Just put forward 100%,  be the best you that you can be, and that is enough. I wish you the best in your endeavors, and I hope things improve for you in the near future.

it's been almost a lifelong rough patch so far; finding out whether there's an end to it is almost more curiosity than hope at this point.

On 2/4/2017 at 11:35 PM, Lopaw said:

When I was in school and had no real idea of what to do in life I focused on subjects I was good at, then reality happened and I found I wasn't as good as everyone there made me out to be.

I have had people say I'm super good with my skills when really I am average at best, an old friend used to want me to take A level art and wished I would do more traditional art instead of digital. I had good reasons to not do these and she wondered why I was "wasting my talent" , in the end she got unhappy that I drew anthro stuff and did away with me.

So I wasn't left wondering what to do I made contingency plans for what to focus on and as a result I have tried all kinds of mundane subjects, dropping then when I couldn't see them working. 

I went into electrical engineering after finding I was only average at programming and awful at web design despite being told I was good with computers a lot at home, when I couldn't fix computer problems at home I was blamed for not being good enough. 

I know you may have heard this before but have you considered a job in a STEM related area? Most of the people in my class have been in similar awkward situations to yours, they told me thry have coped with stuff like depression, drugs, chronic medical stuff, high or low expections, being broke and being unable to come out without problems to get where they are now.

eh i used to consider it but p sure i'm too dumb for that to work out.  i can't math and i have no attention span.  i also don't know what kind of job in any of those fields would actually interest me.  i don't want to be a psychologist or a scientist or anything like that.  i kinda just want to live in the woods and make stuff and be left alone.

 

 

i really appreciate y'all's replies, even so my answers are pretty garbage tier.  just wanted to let you know you didn't waste your time posting.

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@Gator

Have you ever considered just getting a one way ticket to someplace better, someplace where even if you may go homeless for a few months you know you will be in better shape for it?

Maybe someplace lgbt friendly like oregon or such?

 

And, this may sound weird, but I've frankly been in pysch wards a couple of times due to being suicidal. Depending on where you are at, if the state funded facilities aren't bad (check around because some can be rapey abuse fests... here atleast) hey can give you a few days to get back on your feet if things get to be too much, too. It has the same job exemption as being in the hospital.

 

Alot of places also have lgbt friendly retreats, where folks out in the woods open their house to you for a few days so you can just.... breathe. I mean they even have those out here and this place isn't exactly progressive compared to alotta places.

I just... think sometimes in life, you just need to declare a "bankruptcy", and get away from the toxic people and places that have held you down and just.. start over.

Whatever you do, just stay safe. You're a better person than I am and people tell me that all the time so the same applies to you.

Best of luck.

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7 minutes ago, Johanna Waya said:

@Gator

Have you ever considered just getting a one way ticket to someplace better, someplace where even if you may go homeless for a few months you know you will be in better shape for it?

Maybe someplace lgbt friendly like oregon or such?

 

And, this may sound weird, but I've frankly been in pysch wards a couple of times due to being suicidal. Depending on where you are at, if the state funded facilities aren't bad (check around because some can be rapey abuse fests... here atleast) hey can give you a few days to get back on your feet if things get to be too much, too. It has the same job exemption as being in the hospital.

 

Alot of places also have lgbt friendly retreats, where folks out in the woods open their house to you for a few days so you can just.... breathe. I mean they even have those out here and this place isn't exactly progressive compared to alotta places.

I just... think sometimes in life, you just need to declare a "bankruptcy", and get away from the toxic people and places that have held you down and just.. start over.

Whatever you do, just stay safe. You're a better person than I am and people tell me that all the time so the same applies to you.

Best of luck.

just dropping everything and going away is pretty much exactly what i've been considering for a long time now.  i don't know how i'd get things like medicine, doctor visits, etc etc...

and much as i've contemplated hospital stays of one kind or another, my job doesn't really excuse anything unless you're full time so i wouldn't do too well to be out any time that's not my given days off unless i was looking to be out of a job when i got back.  as far as i'm aware, anyway. 

but idk, more and more i do kinda just want to leave behind as much as possible and take whatever comes because i'm desperate for change at this point and i don't think i'm gonna get it by sticking with what i'm doing now.  i guess i just need to look into my options more

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11 minutes ago, Gator said:

just dropping everything and going away is pretty much exactly what i've been considering for a long time now.  i don't know how i'd get things like medicine, doctor visits, etc etc...

and much as i've contemplated hospital stays of one kind or another, my job doesn't really excuse anything unless you're full time so i wouldn't do too well to be out any time that's not my given days off unless i was looking to be out of a job when i got back.  as far as i'm aware, anyway. 

but idk, more and more i do kinda just want to leave behind as much as possible and take whatever comes because i'm desperate for change at this point and i don't think i'm gonna get it by sticking with what i'm doing now.  i guess i just need to look into my options more

Sometimes you can arrange roomie situations with long distance friends, just depends.

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38 minutes ago, Gator said:

i kinda just want to live in the woods and make stuff and be left alone.

What sorts of things would you like to make? I'd also like to live out in the woods, though I'd probably have to make a lot of trips to town, or have a few friends nearby, as I tend to get lonely easy. But it's odd, you can get just as lonely in a city as a woods, I've found.

Well, you've always struck me as a very creative sort, with an easygoing charm and sense of humor that I've found refreshing. I still recall how much your post about what you'd do as an old man made me laugh.

I'll have to write more, but, geez, I feel like I could have written a lot of this myself: lots of similar struggles. I'm even older, but I did have some pretty amazing times, mixed in with some pretty hard struggles, especially lately...well, hang in there. Oh, and what are your dreams? I mean, if you could do anything?

 

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