BAM! GOTCHA BITCH!

[Toshabi]

Bad coworkers suck. Toshabi had to deal with one of those recently. Actually for the past half yeah. Ever since Toshabi joined the early shift of 5am-2pm (RIP my home life), he has experienced many things. Those many things have been beating the sun to waking up, knowing a world where there is no traffic going to and from work and what it's like to hear british people on a daily basis. Toshabi also learned that his new job hours now come hand in hand with working with the Thing. The Thing is essentially this female (?) blob that covers the hours 1am to 8am. The blob and Toshabi work solo mode till 8 am, when all the other fun IT people come into the office to take on the daily IT grind. But those 3 hours with the blob was a lot harder than Toshabi originally thought they would be. The blob wouldn't be so much of a problem if the west coast was the only thing that existed in the United States and if British people would stop calling us on the phones at night (Even though they are freakishly pleasant). The blob has an interesting behavioral pattern. When Toshabi gets in a 5am, the blob can be heard doing one of three things:

 

1. Watching batshit crazy cult videos.

2. Eating food.

3. Sloshing into the restroom.

 

Sometimes, Toshabi has seen a combination of the Blob doing all three things at once. Toshabi is super put off by the blobs existence at Super Cool IT Job Inc. So Toshabi went to his coworkers and asked about the blob. Everyone around the office agreed, "The blob is there because the blob has always been there". They all unanimously agreed that the blobs function outside of existing is essentially to have SOMETHING here during those hours so we can call ourselves a 24/7 Tech Support center. They've all complained to the great Hire Ups of Upper Management and HR about the blob, especially since it has its tendencies to spout off ranting and ravings about crazy cult stuff, how we'd evil for eating meat, as well as the discharge of goop. They say that they can't do anything about the blob because they got no proof that she's lazy and unproductive other than the fact that everyone sees the blob never pick up the phone. 

 

 

So Toshabi decided to deal with the blob, getting more and more frustrated with having it around. One day (2 days ago), the calls were coming in and Toshabi needed help. So Toshabi got down on his knees and prayed to the blob for assistance. The blob just gurgled and went to the restroom. So there it was, a scene where Toshabi was battling the IT woe's of the UK and Florida. It wasn't up until this moment when the Blob actually said something comprehensible; "Hey, put that call you're on on hold and take these other two calls coming in. You can't be slacking off now". So Toshabi did what any sensible person would say and muted his phone and shouted "Bitch! I'm on 2 calls where user's are down and you're just sitting on your fat ass eating cheetohs! You pick up that phone". 

 

And something magical happen; THE BLOB WORKED!

 

But that was short lived because the blob went back to eating after they finished their 15 minute call. So Toshabi had an idea to dig into the company database and create an excel spreadsheet of her working habits, because our bosses were impressed with her closing 140 cases in a one month span while the next lowest case close score was 240ish. Using Toshabi's ultimate power of Microsoft Excel and SQL, he ventured into the heart of the database and, from it, ripped out data, showing that the blob works a maximum of 3 out of 7 hours a day. Her high case closing rate was actually from her making duplicate tickets and marking them as solved to bump up her scores. 

 

Toshabi took this big bag of data, pulled it out of his pants and slapped the HR department in the face with it. They were... amazed. THEY DIDN'T REALIZE THE BLOB WAS ACTUALLY A BLOB THE WHOLE TIME! Even though everyone that works with her says she's a blob. So today, when I came into the office, Toshabi wasn't actually greeted with creepy batshit crazy kingdom heart's cult stuff. He didn't hear the sounds of sloshing lips. He didn't see the blob trying to fit its whole self into the women's restroom. He saw the blob doing work. 

 

 

REPORTING ACTUALLY DID SOMETHING FOR A CHANGE AT A JOB! HOLY FUCKING SHIT! Even though I had to break my back to prove my point that she was a fat bitch, but whaddup, Toshabi getting them RESULTS BOY!

 

 

 

tl;dr:

 

 

 

[Feelwell]

That was a weird read.

But yay for justice!

But now she'll probably murder you for your heart in some cultish revenge ceremony. Sorry dude.

[AshleyAshes]

...Is anyone else just surprised that being caught generating fake work so that you could get paid to slack off didn't result in immediate termination?  I mean, it's one thing to underproduce, it's a whole other thing to be generating fraudulent data to make it look like you're productive.  

[Toshabi]

29 minutes ago, AshleyAshes said:

...Is anyone else just surprised that being caught generating fake work so that you could get paid to slack off didn't result in immediate termination?  I mean, it's one thing to underproduce, it's a whole other thing to be generating fraudulent data to make it look like you're productive.  

Welcome to every government job out there.

[Wrecker]

Nope, it's all bullshit. Everything, fake. Come on, you think you're fooling anybody?

You're working for phone-based tech support and you actually speak english? Come on now... Nice try, though.

[Toshabi]

56 minutes ago, Wrecker said:

Nope, it's all bullshit. Everything, fake. Come on, you think you're fooling anybody?

You're working for phone-based tech support and you actually speak english? Come on now... Nice try, though.

NICE TRY BITCH! I DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH I SPEAK CROCONESE.