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i'm sure me being a depressed lump of garbage is no secret around here; i'm not exactly cheerful or energetic or motivated or outgoing or productive or... you get the point: this was probably inevitable.  long story short, my doctor prescribed me an antidepressant yesterday and even though i have my reasons for agreeing to it, i still can't help being upset about it. 

all my life i swore up and down i would never take antidepressants.  the possible side effects scare me, ESPECIALLY the risk of weight gain.  i just started losing weight again after over a year of it not budging, and i am damn near phobic of not being in control of my weight--or the rest of my body, for that matter.  i've dealt with that enough in my life already.  the fact that i can read a five page paper about it and still not feel like i really know what's going into my body scares me.  ...having a diagnosis of some kind of mental/mood disorder scares me. 

i know i have reasons for my depression, and just because it's been almost lifelong doesn't mean it's some spontaneous disorder.  life hasn't been that great to me, and i know exactly why i feel this way and what i need to do to get on track, but so far i haven't had the means.  but the thing is, i don't know how long it will realistically be before i do have the means, so in the meantime, what the hell else is there to do?  i don't have the motivation to function besides what's absolutely necessary.  i don't have the ability to concentrate on or remember anything.  working nights is hard enough on my ability to sleep without stress making it double.  i barely have the strength to make it through work some nights, and when i'm not working i'm basically doing nothing.  so after multiple failed attempts of people trying to push things on me, i said ok.  i would start with a low dose, do a followup in two weeks, and try sticking with it for a month.  if i really don't like it or feel like it's helping, it's not like i have to stay on it.  but that doesn't stop me from being scared, or from feeling terrible just for agreeing to it.  i don't know if it's the feeling of giving in, or the idea of being seen as someone with a mental disorder, or just the scariness of the drug itself, but as the clock started ticking on time to take my first dose, my hands were shaking and i was looking for ways to put it off and procrastinate because something about this shit just really upsets me.

i am being a big fucking baby for no reason, and of course if i didn't think there was a chance of it actually helping me get through the hard time i'm going through right now, i wouldn't have agreed to it.  but shit.  shit on this, shit on meds, shit on me and my life.  i just wanted to get through all this stuff without resorting to this, get my life sorted out, and finally try being happy.

i keep telling myself it's just something to help me sleep and concentrate better, to help with my motivation and my ability to do my work.  and i still hate it.  even if it helps and doesn't have any ill effects, i hate it just for being there.  and i hate me for feeling like i need it, or for letting other people think i need it. 

so somebody come fucking hold me while i throw a tantrum and act stupid because i am really terrified of meds

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It will be alright, Gator. It's really not bad and you aren't going to be on them permanently anyway. Maybe they'll give you enough of an edge that you can get your stuff together.

 

About the weight gain, some people lose weight after they start taking them. You'll just have to watch the kinds of things you're eating, but it looks like you're already doing that.

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I've been there and I know how you feel, and still going through it. The best thing I can offer is to sometimes recite a mantra in your head to remind you that the clouds are only temporary.

As far as the meds go, some people try to keep active to prevent some of the lethargic side-effects and weight gain, like walking for an our or so. Don't quote me on that. 

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Do try and stick with it.

You don't feel better now, but anti-depressants usually take at least 2 weeks before they start taking effect. You talk about not having any motivation to do anything beyond just function, but try to keep in mind that that's likely a symptom of the depression. Let the medication kick in and help and then reevaluate how you feel. The medications aren't going to help the underlying cause if its life circumstances that are making you depressed. But what they will do is allow you to have the energy to take hold of your life again and make the positive changes you need.

You're worried about weight gain. Well, like Jtrekkie said, you're already monitoring your diet. That's good. The next step is to try and incorporate exercise into your routine. You don't have to suddenly become a gym rat though. Just small things. Walking more or doing some calisthenics when you wake up can help. Drinking more water so you feel fuller and don't accidentally overeat can also help. Weight gain isn't a foregone conclusion with anti-depressants.

You're upset about being seen by people as having a mental disorder. Its nothing to be ashamed of. You have an illness. So you've gone to the doctor in order to become well again. There is nothing shameful in that at all. There is a strange stigma against seeking help for mental illness, but its ridiculous. Depression is a completely treatable illness and you have a right to feel better, to be able to function and to live your life without feeling like crap. Don't let the perceptions of others, real or imagined, stop you from taking steps to help yourself.

Anyway, hope you feel better dude <;

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You do recognise that being this terrified and repulsed by the notion that you might need to take an antidepressant is in itself a huge red flag, right? You are not weak and you are not being a huge baby; you are, simply put, not well, and that is why you have been prescribed medication. It is an ailment. Whether prior events helped to trigger it or current events are exacerbating it is irrelevant to the fact that sometimes your body chemistry needs a push to help right itself.

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thanks for all of y'all's replies

 

i just really.  really.  hate meds.  i'm already on one for the crohn's, and if i were in a better position right now i'd be talking to my doctor about trying to manage that naturally.  but i'm not, and i fear the possibility of that not working and me being pretty well screwed if i run out of medication options, so i take the one i'm on and try not to think about what comes next. 

i have a very big fear of losing (more) control of my body and i want nothing more than to be as natural as possible.  but lately i'm getting overwhelmed with prescriptions, feeling like i'm just piling on more instead of getting away from it.  i've got glasses, 2 vitamins, a spray, a shot, a pill, now another pill, soon to be another shot... doctor wanted me to take another pill but i didn't find that necessary and it was otc so i just declined that one.  i'm just so sick of my life revolving around things that feel artificial.  sick of living near the city, sick of living in this house with all the scented air fresheners and the sears catalogue decorations.  sick of seeing the world from behind glass.  sick of a lifetime of pretending to be something i'm not.  this is just one more thing adding to it before i was able to take at least one other thing away.  if i could remove things before adding more, i'd feel a whole lot better.  and i was trying very hard to do that: just remove at least ONE of these things before taking on another one... but i didn't make it.  i guess i'll just have to take solace in the fact that maybe this one-more-thing will help me eventually get rid of some of the other stuff.

as for the stigma regarding mental illness and whatnot... that mostly goes back to my family.  part of it is just my resentment over the fact that i was given a body that doesn't seem to be able to function without help.  but most of it goes back to the way i've been treated by my family for most of my life.  the way they raised me to believe i had disorders i didn't even have, and the way they use any and every little thing they can twist into a "sign" as some kind of proof that there's something mentally wrong with me, that i am deficient, that i don't know what i'm talking about because my brain doesn't work right.  none of it has ever been true.  i don't want them to have another thing to hold over me. 

i'm sick of having my feelings, my autonomy, and my identity invalidated and taken away from me.  and i'm sick of being sick.

so the same reason i hate this is the same reason i'm taking it: because i want to be able to move forward and shed as much of this bullshit life as i possibly can before it all inevitably kills me.

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4 hours ago, Gator said:

i just really.  really.  hate meds.  i'm already on one for the crohn's, and if i were in a better position right now i'd be talking to my doctor about trying to manage that naturally.  but i'm not, and i fear the possibility of that not working and me being pretty well screwed if i run out of medication options, so i take the one i'm on and try not to think about what comes next. 

Meds for Crohn's can be a trial in and of themselves. I've been on about eight different ones over the course of twelve years so feel your pain on that one. Regarding the other thing though, forgive me if you've answered this one elsewhere but have you seen a psychologist or such about it or is the doctor in your OP just a normal GP? 

I only ask because I have been in a similar position several times over now, between Chrohn's, Depression and Anxiety but several sessions of therapy did succeed in giving me a measure of control over the latter. It isn't always an easy thing to figure out but everyone has their muse, their best coping mechanism for this sort of thing and brain doctors seem to be the best at figuring that sort of thing out.

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1 hour ago, FlynnCoyote said:

Meds for Crohn's can be a trial in and of themselves. I've been on about eight different ones over the course of twelve years so feel your pain on that one. Regarding the other thing though, forgive me if you've answered this one elsewhere but have you seen a psychologist or such about it or is the doctor in your OP just a normal GP? 

I only ask because I have been in a similar position several times over now, between Chrohn's, Depression and Anxiety but several sessions of therapy did succeed in giving me a measure of control over the latter. It isn't always an easy thing to figure out but everyone has their muse, their best coping mechanism for this sort of thing and brain doctors seem to be the best at figuring that sort of thing out.

yeah, i was on a different crohn's med before this one and that had some terrible effects that have scared me away from meds even more than usual ;v;

normal GP.  i have talked to a counselor and a psychologist at two different points, both for various depression/anxiety related issues.  the first one helped a lot with the anxiety, second one i don't feel did much for me.  i saw a psychiatrist for exactly one visit and she immediately tried to prescribe me something, and spent more time talking to my mom than she did talking to me--in private, no less.  i am not about to take advice from someone who talks to my mother behind a closed door.  ever. 

but i think a therapist specialized in my particular current life issues would at least help me with finding resources and ways to achieve the goals i have set for myself, so i'll bring that up with my GP next time i go. 

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On 6/8/2017 at 11:41 AM, Nova said:

Don't take antidepression pills, they can fuck things up and can sometimes cause more depression.

The only issue is anti-depressants give you more energy without dealing with suicidal thoughts.

It's not that they make things worse.

@Gator

Just got back from a psych ward for like... the fourth time for depression and anxiety.

Honestly if I had the medications which they now have given me I probably wouldn't have gotten that bad in the first place. 

If you are worried about your meds, look up user reviews online and your doc can advise shouls your worries continue.

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3 hours ago, Fantasma said:

The only issue is anti-depressants give you more energy without dealing with suicidal thoughts.

It's not that they make things worse.

@Gator

Just got back from a psych ward for like... the fourth time for depression and anxiety.

Honestly if I had the medications which they now have given me I probably wouldn't have gotten that bad in the first place. 

If you are worried about your meds, look up user reviews online and your doc can advise shouls your worries continue.

I'm glad you're still alive, i was worried about you.

Keep living man, we only get one life. I know how hard it is to face the day sometimes, but keep living.

I'm sorry i'm pissed and want to die myself right now but be positive ok, we only get one live so live it as best you can.

I don't know what's going on with the rest of this thread. Sorry, i'm so sorry for everything.

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i am seriously considering calling him and telling him i want off.  all it's done so far is make it impossible to function at work; i feel nauseous all day and i don't get any sleep.  never mind the complete lack of sex drive c: 

my so-called depression wasn't bad enough to go through this bullshit making everything ten times worse just for a chance of maybe making it temporarily better later.

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33 minutes ago, Gator said:

i am seriously considering calling him and telling him i want off.  all it's done so far is make it impossible to function at work; i feel nauseous all day and i don't get any sleep.  never mind the complete lack of sex drive c: 

my so-called depression wasn't bad enough to go through this bullshit making everything ten times worse just for a chance of maybe making it temporarily better later.



I'm really sorry to hear that. Garth did say that it would take a couple of weeks for the medication to start helping. It will take that time for you to get used to them. You might call you doctor and tell him about the side effects, though. He may have some advice, or may be able to adjust the dose.

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it's already on the lowest dose.. i know it's supposed to take a couple of weeks to kick in but i don't think it's worth the wait.  i agreed to this because i thought it would help me do my job, but that's not gonna be much good to me if i end up having to call in or go on medical leave because i can't make it through the night for 2 weeks.  i've already got health problems making it so that i'm fatigued and nauseous half the time, stomach pains, diarrhea, you name it i've got it.  this is making it double.. and for what?  to give me a "boost" while i continue doing the same shit i've been doing?  i have gone my entire shitty life without it, so i don't really see why it's any more necessary now than it ever was.  forget being scared, now i'm just mad i let myself be talked into yet another thing i don't think i needed.  i never just go with my instincts and stick with my plans, and all that ever does is screw me over.  hate myself istg

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@Gator You might want to check the side effects of all of the medications you're currently taking, as some of the health problems you're experiencing now may be caused by them. You'll also want to check how long the meds have been on the market, as the effects of the newer ones are less known (pharma companies and other big businesses practically own the regulators now, so they can release almost anything they want as long as it doesn't kill the customer too quickly).

Don't just look at what the pharma companies are saying about their own drugs as they're focused on selling them rather than listing the negative effects. Consult more independent sources and cross-check with other sources to help verify their authenticity.

As for being scared one trick that military personnel use is considering themselves to already be dead, so what more could they have to be scared about.

 

Eat healthy (unprocessed fresh plant and animal products, not frozen "Weight Watchers" nonsense) foods, exercise regularly (not in a shitty, overpriced, air-conditioned gym but outside as far away from vehicles and any other emitters of air/water/ground pollution as possible), get plenty of sleep, improve your living situation as much as possible (work/accommodation/play/etc) or at least try to minimize the harmful parts.

I strongly recommend you stay away from advertising in any form as much as possible as it's specifically designed to prey on your vulnerabilities to make you want to buy garbage. This means no commercial radio, television or newspapers. When browsing online I recommend using the uBlock Origin plugin for Firefox (this also allows you to block specific elements on a page at will). You can go one step further and use NoScript on top of that.

Minimize use of "social media" sites like Facebook as people tend to post only the most flattering content about themselves which projects a false image that could lead to you feeling even worse if you compare your life to the fake lives projected on these sites.

Given that you've been depressed most of your life you may have to make drastic changes to decrease it significantly without resorting to medications which only cover up the symptoms anyway.

 

If you're in the USA this article might be of interest:

https://hipcrime.blogspot.no/2015/11/the-dying-americans.html

Here's a more comprehensive analysis of the history of industrial society itself and what this means for the individual (ie you):

http://wildism.org/docs/tk-isaif.html#_introduction

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That's a bit extreme, but I don't entirely disagree. Pharmaceutical companies do tend to downplay the potential side-effects of medications and there is an unfortunate tendency to treat medication as the be-all end-all rather than a single element of a broader treatment plan which may not always be necessary. If anything, the key treatment for the overwhelming majority of mental illnesses is therapy and a gradual retraining of the mind. That said, medication can help, but you need to make it clear to your doctor when something isn't working for you or is causing a major negative impact on your quality of life in itself. Everyone's body is different; if nothing else, you probably should be taking something that isn't worsening some of your symptoms or seriously messing with basically aspects of your life.

All this said, taking a break from stressful things and eating better will help you regardless, if only on a basic level.

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15 hours ago, Gator said:

it's already on the lowest dose.. i know it's supposed to take a couple of weeks to kick in but i don't think it's worth the wait.  i agreed to this because i thought it would help me do my job, but that's not gonna be much good to me if i end up having to call in or go on medical leave because i can't make it through the night for 2 weeks.  i've already got health problems making it so that i'm fatigued and nauseous half the time, stomach pains, diarrhea, you name it i've got it.  this is making it double.. and for what?  to give me a "boost" while i continue doing the same shit i've been doing?  i have gone my entire shitty life without it, so i don't really see why it's any more necessary now than it ever was.  forget being scared, now i'm just mad i let myself be talked into yet another thing i don't think i needed.  i never just go with my instincts and stick with my plans, and all that ever does is screw me over.  hate myself istg

Gator,

I recommend you talk to your doctor about the side effects so he can switch you to a different drug. That one that you're on may not be the right fit for you but that doesn't mean that they all are going to make you sick. Call your doctor, schedule an appointment and talk to him. Tell him what you're experiencing and tell him your concerns and fears over it. These are important and people in the medical community are trained to help you alleviate your concerns and help you make an informed choice. Healing is a process. That's why they do the two week check-in. Because everyone's body is different and reacts differently to drugs. Keep an open dialog with your physician and don't be too quick to write off the whole thing.

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1 minute ago, GarthTheWereWolf said:

Gator,

I recommend you talk to your doctor about the side effects so he can switch you to a different drug. That one that you're on may not be the right fit for you but that doesn't mean that they all are going to make you sick. Call your doctor, schedule an appointment and talk to him. Tell him what you're experiencing and tell him your concerns and fears over it. These are important and people in the medical community are trained to help you alleviate your concerns and help you make an informed choice. Healing is a process. That's why they do the two week check-in. Because everyone's body is different and reacts differently to drugs. Keep an open dialog with your physician and don't be too quick to write off the whole thing.

i know, but the thing is i didn't feel like it was necessary in the first place.  i still don't.  if i don't stick with this, i think i'm better off not taking anything else, either.  never did before, still kicking... ok, more like twitching at this point but it counts.  i know what i need to make things better and while i lack motivation to do much of anything else, i haven't stopped my efforts regarding things that actually matter because as far as i'm concerned, fixing those problems is my only hope for survival.  my problem isn't Depression, i'm depressed because i have problems--and have thus far lacked the means to fix them.  and unless all the diarrhea starts turning into dollar bills, a pill isn't gonna give me those means any faster than i'd have got them without it.

i will call him, i will discuss it, and i will ask him if he can refer me to any of the resources i need.  that's about as far as i'm willing to go. 

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34 minutes ago, Mandragoras said:

That's a bit extreme, but I don't entirely disagree. Pharmaceutical companies do tend to downplay the potential side-effects of medications and there is an unfortunate tendency to treat medication as the be-all end-all rather than a single element of a broader treatment plan which may not always be necessary. If anything, the key treatment for the overwhelming majority of mental illnesses is therapy and a gradual retraining of the mind. That said, medication can help, but you need to make it clear to your doctor when something isn't working for you or is causing a major negative impact on your quality of life in itself. Everyone's body is different; if nothing else, you probably should be taking something that isn't worsening some of your symptoms or seriously messing with basically aspects of your life.

All this said, taking a break from stressful things and eating better will help you regardless, if only on a basic level.

boy i'd kill to be able to do that ;v;  ...i took a bath today if that counts

i eat about as well as i can with lame dietary restrictions and a small budget, not that i don't give in to the chocolate cereal every now and then but most of the time i'm alright on that front.  i hope i keep losing weight; it's been slow but steady since i laid off the carbs, which is the only thing that seems to help me.  yes i know chocolate cereal and low carb are not compatible but i try

but my existing efforts, however minimal, were already helping me feel a little better before i did this thing. 

i can't even say i wasn't doing terribly before.  i was doing slightly better lately, but still terrible.  this is just... a different kind of terrible.  i'd rather have shitty feelings than false ones or none at all.  little suffering never hurt nobody. 

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2 minutes ago, Gator said:

i'd rather have shitty feelings than false ones or none at all.  little suffering never hurt nobody. 

See, here's the problem with framing things like that: It assumes that your feeling like shit is entirely and consistently proportionate to your situation, and implies that taking something which might make you emotionally functional enough to deal with the underlying causes of those feelings is creating "false emotions," or else taking your true feelings away.

Given what your family did to you, I can see why it would become a reflex to feel this way. What they did sounds, to me, like a relatively subtle but aggressive form of emotional abuse, and I'm horribly sorry that it happened to you. But using what tools are at your disposal to fix what damage was done to you is not ceding control or admitting that they were "right;" if anything, it's a rejection of the assertion that your mind and body are not yours through tackling the problem before you with utmost efficiency and determination. You will need help along the way, but it is you making the choices for your own sake.

For what it's worth, in any case, I think your seeking out a therapist who specialises in situations like yours is an excellent idea.

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I feel like Gator's depression is proportionate to his situation. He has, in the past, been removed from his current situation and his depression and anxiety improved drastically, even seeming to disappear before things took a bad turn and he ended up where he is now. IMO what he needs isn't to be on yet another form of medication, but to get out of his current environment. His problem is that right now he CAN'T get the resources he needs to move and get on track with his plans. He's not being held back by a lack of motivation but a lack of financial ability. 

He pretty much agreed to take the medication because he thought it would stave off the depression in the meantime. He is depressed. He does not have depression. No therapist he's been to even suggested that he is clinically depressed. Frankly the medication is making things worse for him and not better. He doesn't feel any less angry or sad. He just feels numb to being angry or sad. 

Idk, based on what I've seen so far I don't think it's helping.

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On 6/13/2017 at 7:50 AM, Red Lion said:

I feel like Gator's depression is proportionate to his situation. He has, in the past, been removed from his current situation and his depression and anxiety improved drastically, even seeming to disappear before things took a bad turn and he ended up where he is now. IMO what he needs isn't to be on yet another form of medication, but to get out of his current environment. His problem is that right now he CAN'T get the resources he needs to move and get on track with his plans. He's not being held back by a lack of motivation but a lack of financial ability. 

He pretty much agreed to take the medication because he thought it would stave off the depression in the meantime. He is depressed. He does not have depression. No therapist he's been to even suggested that he is clinically depressed. Frankly the medication is making things worse for him and not better. He doesn't feel any less angry or sad. He just feels numb to being angry or sad. 

Idk, based on what I've seen so far I don't think it's helping.

This is fair. I was unaware of the specifics. Not having the money or means to get out of a bad situation is something to which I can very much relate. The difference here is I'm not sure getting out would entirely solve my problems, and I know a lot of people far worse off in that way than myself to boot. My experience has coloured my approach too much, methinks.

For what it's worth, I still think talking to a therapist could be helpful here, if only to have a confidant who isn't already involved in his life and has helped other people in his position.

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maybe a little late now, but i should clarify there are a lot of things going on in my life that i haven't laid out in this thread.  so my bad if that caused any confusion.  but red is right; like i've been saying, my problems are situational.  i feel like shit when life is shitty.  i'm fine when it's not, but i'm currently stuck not by a lack of motivation, but by a lack of funds and resources.  my agreement to try this medicine had nothing to do with lacking the drive to do anything about my problems, and everything to do with lacking the energy to make it through a night at my job without getting yelled at for having to sit down every few minutes. 

anyway, i didn't bother calling the doctor yet because my scheduled appointment is just next week and i want to be able to discuss all of this in person and make sure i have enough time to do so.  i dread another 3 days of work plus a driving test while on this stuff, but i'm praying that as my time taking it wears on, the nausea and insomnia will at least have subsided enough for me to make it to my appointment without having to call in sick.  i had at least 1 day of normal sleep.. of course, that was after a week of barely sleeping at all, and immediately followed by another day of constantly waking up, so i could be wrong.  :/  oh, well.  i got through last week, one more won't kill me.

when i do see him next week, i'll ask about the therapist and discuss quitting this medication.  i never had any plans of staying on it, but now that i am starting to notice an effect on my moods and not just the nausea/insomnia/lack of sex drive... i do not like the way it's affecting my mood, either.  it feels hollow, like all my emotions are only superficial.  it's like i'm fine with things not being fine, and i don't want that at all.  i just don't think this type of medication is for me, and it really reinforces my desire to not take anything that i don't deem absolutely necessary.

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welp i'm officially a quitter~

and what do you know, the past 2 nights since i haven't taken it, my sleep has been uninterrupted.  i'm sure it'll be shit again with the start of yet another work week, but hey SOME good sleep nights is better than NONE imho.

same with emotions and stuff, i guess.  didn't get them a whole lot before, but certainly more then than i did on medication.  BRING BACK THE DEPRESSION because i enjoy hating life more than being apathetic to it, even if i'll still be apathetic a good chunk of the time at least i get to have my moments where i feel things.  bad, terrible, awful things... but things nonetheless.  at least on occasion.

**shrug**

 

doctor didn't know any therapists specializing in what i asked, but he said he'd look around.. though my next appointment isn't for another month, so idk what good that'll do me.  :^)

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