rant : consistent failure

[evan]

so blah blah it's whatever o clock right now and i just want to vent a little bit and pose a question as a result

this week has been pretty shitty. my credit schedule is pretty heavy this year so i've had to buckle down, but just right off the bat my week started off shitty with my alarm not going off and delaying some assignments that i had to take care of that day. and then all those little small things i needed to have go right didn't; rehearsals didn't go well, sleeping in the classes i needed the most help in, forgetting keys in difficult-to-access places, missing small deadlines for assignments i couldn't remember, getting caught in arguments, and so on.

this wouldn't really be so bad if it weren't for the fact that at the end of the week was a ton of performance and final rehearsal runs...which would usual be a good thing. going into it, my composition was behind schedule so i have been sleeping really badly the past few days (Sporadically, waking up for thirty minutes every so often, getting about five hours or less) and at the same time i kept falling asleep uncontrollably for that same reason (and therefore making little progress often), so it was somewhat disorienting. i recall the friday rehearsal we had not going well, and the saturday one just still being mediocre. the first saturday performance was just shit. we had a re-warm for the second saturday performance and it was terrible, and i started to have trouble controlling my anger/anxiety which only made me play worse. the performance was -better- but it was still frustrating and the lead player still said that one tune sounded like shit, which kinda soured the whole thing. 

then today was a bit of a shitshow. first piece of the concert was good, locked in, then the second one...urgh. that was the single worst performance of anything i've ever had and it just sat on my chest. third wasn't even fun anymore, just wanted to go home. 

my frustration doesn't come from the fact that all these performances were bad (because there were definitely big mistakes in some of the performances i really enjoyed doing); in fact at some point i try to build my philosophy around accepting imperfections. it's when they're unenjoyable, and while this is often because they're bad (a lot of these are the case), having to perform with someone who makes you feel like shit is just fucking lame. 

i dunno. at the end of the day, this is what i put all my work into every day. i may have a lot of shit happen from here to there, but at the end of the day you get to display that work, and to have it marginalized by either a) dumb mistakes that ruin all of your hard work, or b) some person or factor making the fun of exhibition completely vanish. i just hate that. i absolutely hate going home at the end of the day, and looking at the end result and thinking about how it seems to all be falling apart. even now i'm doing a few heavy assignments with only four hours left until i wake up in the morning and it's not even that i'm here doing that (trust me, if i waste hours of sleep on my own choices, doing work doesn't change much), it's that it just all feels sour and unhappy. 

do you ever experience that in your life? where it's like, "hey, i put all my work into this" and then at the end of the day it just feels like all of it was thrown right back at you, like your entire approach is failing? i get my story is about music and shit, but i feel like it applies to more than that.

tl;dr does your life suck?

[Vae]

I've had that in experiences with a few friendships, lately.
I'm kind of numbing myself to the entire thing, to be honest.

Failure, as a concept, still fucks me up.
Because I was screamed at and sometimes hit for not being academically exceptional, growing up.
Gotta have control over all your situations, or they're not worth bothering with.
It's an idea I've had to slowly wean myself away from.