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No, I'm not going to let that sit out there. I'm just going to say I talked to my mom this evening, and she dropped this bomb on me after I felt like I wasn't mourning tess properly. The idea that I may or not be only scares me because if its obvious I'm not all there to my friends and family, the careful structure I've built around me will come crumbling down. I'm not ready to relinquish that control, because that is all I have. I have had an incredibly fucked up past, and it makes me wonder now if some mental illnesses are raised and not born. Or, now the idea is in my head that I was just born this way, and destined to feel as though I need to adopt personalities to get what I want. I love and hate and nurture and care, but it still feels like a coat of wallpaper over a concrete wall. My therapist isn't going to be helpful. She still talks to me like a wounded animal in a quiet, "Soothing" voice that infuriates me. I'm not a tiny, helpless child anymore. I'm a woman who is in a LOT of control and can't afford it to come toppling down because someone gets a whiff that I have to carefully observe other people to make sure I'm doing this shit right. At my default I am full of rage, incredibly bitter and very cynical. Machiavellian, even. I need to pad that with things like charisma, intelligence, wittiness and empathy that I don't feel like it comes from within, but instead done as a function because people expect me to. There, a less soul baring rant.