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The Twin Towers


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SEINFELD - "THE TWIN TOWERS" AN ORIGINAL SPEC SCRIPT

BY: BILLY DOMINEAU 08/02/2016

 

Billy.Domineau@gmail.com
Twitter: @billydomineau
Instagram: @moms4sodainpublicschools

COLD OPEN INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT

JERRY
You think they ever get backed up at

the gates of Heaven? Too many people die at once, it just overwhelms the system? It’s gotta be like the DMV on a Friday. “Everyone take a number, you’ll be judged in the order you slipped the surly bonds of Earth.” God’s angry at St. Peter. “What’s going on? Keep the line moving!” “I’ve got three angels on vacation - what do you want?!” All these poor souls just standing around, reading old magazines. “This is taking an eternity. I could’ve been in Hell by now!”

END OF COLD OPEN

 

ACT I INT. YANKEES CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

GEORGE AND OTHER EMPLOYEES STAND AMONG NYPD AND FDNY. MR. WILHELM STANDS BEFORE THE ROOM NEXT TO A FIRE CAPTAIN. A BANNER READS “UNITED WE STAND - THANK YOU, HEROES!”.

MR. WILHELM
We have all been shaken by last

Tuesday’s horrific events. But through the darkness of September 11th, the light of our brave firefighters and police officers shines through.

GEORGE IS IN THE CROWD NEXT TO A LARGE FIREFIGHTER. HE LOOKS UP AT THE MAN WITH A BEAMING SMILE.

MR. WILHELM (CONT’D) These selfless men and women are

heroes to us all.

GEORGE NODS HIS HEAD TO THE FIREFIGHTER AND PATS HIM ON THE BACK. THE FIREFIGHTER IS SLIGHTLY UNCOMFORTABLE.

MR. WILHELM (CONT’D) And I could not be prouder to thank

them on behalf of the entire Yankees

family!

APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE. GEORGE GRABS THE FIREFIGHTER’S HAND TO SHAKE IT AND GOES IN FOR A HUG. IT’S TOO MUCH.

2.

 

MR. WILHELM (CONT’D)
Now please, help yourselves to coffee

and pastries!

GEORGE GETS IN LINE FOR THE SPREAD BEHIND A POLICE OFFICER AND A FIREFIGHTER WITH HIS ARM IN A SLING.

GEORGE PLEASE! After you, Sirs.

POLICE OFFICER

Thank you.

GEORGE
Literally the least we could do.

Unless you wanted us to do less. If you truly wanted less, I’m sure we could find a way.

THE FIREFIGHTER AND OFFICER NOD. “WHAT IS THIS GUY?” GEORGE (CONT’D)

So, an INTERESTING week. FIREFIGHTER

These have been the worst four days of my life.

GEORGE
Horrible, horrible. And yet, it must

be just a bit exciting. POLICE OFFICER

Excuse me?

3.

GEORGE
Well, men in your profession - you

want to save lives, face danger head on. If ever there was a time...

FIREFIGHTER
Buddy, I watched the South Tower

collapse on half of my engine. You saying I wanted that to happen?

GEORGE
No no, I’m just SUGGESTING -

POLICE OFFICER Suggesting WHAT?

FIREFIGHTER
You’ve got a big mouth, you son of a

bitch!

HE SWINGS AT GEORGE WITH HIS GOOD ARM. GEORGE DUCKS AND THE FIREFIGHTER FALLS FORWARD ONTO THE TABLE, COLLAPSING IT. HE MOANS. THE ROOM IS STUNNED.

MR. WILHELM

GEORGE! INT. MONK’S - DAY

JERRY AND GEORGE IN THE BOOTH. EACH TABLE HAS AN AMERICAN FLAG. JERRY’S MOUTH IS AGAPE. GEORGE IS ALMOST IN TEARS.

4.

WHAT?!

GEORGE

JERRY
It must be EXCITING? EXCITING? “Hey,

I’m sorry you watched thousands of people die, but boy! That must have got the old adrenaline pumping!”

GEORGE
They don’t know how good they have it!

My whole life I’ve wanted to be a hero. Here it just falls into their laps, and they don’t even appreciate it!

JERRY
One of these days I’m gonna sell your

brain to a medical school. They’d discover fifty new complexes. It could be the key to all mental illness!

ELAINE ENTERS AND SITS NEXT TO GEORGE. ELAINE

Hey.

Hey.

What’s wrong with you? JERRY

Everything.

ELAINE (to George)

JERRY

5.

ELAINE
Jeeze, can you believe how quickly

they got this place cleaned up? This entire block was covered in dust!

JERRY
I know, it’s immaculate! It’s like

they made a Clean. Hey, sorry about

blood sacrifice to Mr. by the way, I am so, so that guy you were seeing.

ELAINE

Brian? Meh.
JERRY

Meh? What do you mean, meh? He was murdered by terrorists.

ELAINE
I was gonna break up with him anyway.

JERRY
I thought you liked him.

ELAINE
He was nice, but in conversations he

was just so... animated. It was like I was dating a radio sound effects guy. Anyway, saved me an awkward dinner.

JERRY
Well as long as it worked out for you.

KRAMER ENTERS AND RUSHES TO THE TABLE, SITTING NEXT TO JERRY.

6.

KRAMER
You remember my crazy friend Mo Atta?

ELAINE
The guy you fish-sit for when he goes

to Florida? What about him? KRAMER

Look at this!
KRAMER HANDS ELAINE A NEWSPAPER. SHE READS.

ELAINE
“The leader of the hijackers has been

identified as Egyptian-national

MOHAMED ATTA.” GET - OUT!
ELAINE SHOVES KRAMER FROM ACROSS THE TABLE.

KRAMER
You know he was always talking about

how evil America was? Eventually I told him, “Why don’t you do something about it?” I thought he’d write to his Congressman!

JERRY
Kramer, he just crashed a plane into

the World Trade Center! He slit the pilots’ throats with a box-cutter!

KRAMER
Not “a” box-cutter - MY box-cutter. He

borrowed it last week!

7.

ELAINE (even more intense)

GET - OUT! You have to do something! KRAMER

Oh, you’d better believe it! I’m getting that box-cutter replaced.

JERRY (to Elaine)

Is this it? Is this how the world ends?

KRAMER
Jerry, this was a Matsuyama - the

finest parcel opener produced in all of Hokkaido prefecture! Triple reinforced grip. When you’re slicing with that baby, oh Mama! You feel like a grocery clerk on Christmas morn!

KRAMER RISES FROM THE BOOTH.
KRAMER (CONT’D)

We may have lost our neighbors, but

the bleeding stops here.

KRAMER RAISES HIS HAND AND SALUTES. HE EXITS AS THE WAITRESS DROPS OFF JERRY AND GEORGE’S PLATES. ELAINE’S CELL RINGS. SHE ANSWERS.

ELAINE
Hello? - This is she. - WHAT?! WHEN?! -

YES, I’LL BE RIGHT THERE! (hangs up)

BRIAN’S ALIVE. THEY PULLED HIM FROM THE RUBBLE. HE’S IN THE HOSPITAL!

8.

OH MY GOD!

JERRY

GEORGE
So you’re back together.

ELAINE DEFLATES.

JERRY
Get him a card in the gift shop. “Glad

you’re alive! It’s not you, it’s me!” ELAINE RISES.

ELAINE
That’s VERY clever. You should write

for Hallmark. JERRY

Nah, I like my job.

SHE EXITS. JERRY GOES IN FOR A BITE OF HIS SANDWICH BUT STOPS. HE NOTICES SOMETHING.

JERRY (CONT’D) What is this?

GEORGE

What?
JERRY DABS HIS FINGER ON THE BREAD AND EXAMINES IT.

JERRY I think it’s dust.

GEORGE

Dust?

JERRY Like DUST dust.

9.

GEORGE Eat around it.

JERRY
I can’t eat around this. This could

have been a person. Hey, Larry? Could

I get another sandwich? LARRY, THE MANAGER, COMES OVER.

LARRY What’s the matter? JERRY

This one... has a little dust on it? LARRY

Dust? Three-thousand people are dead, you know.

JERRY I know, I just -

LARRY
This whole city has dust on it. Our

HEARTS are covered in dust. You’re gonna eat that sandwich or you’re not eating at all.

LARRY GOES TO THE COUNTER AND POINTS OUT JERRY TO THE WAITRESSES.

LARRY (CONT’D)
He doesn’t get ANYTHING until he eats

that sandwich. Thinks he’s too good for dust. That dust is AMERICA.

10.

JERRY (to George)

Come on, let’s go. GEORGE

What about my lunch? JERRY

I’ll buy you another one.
THEY GET UP AND WALK TOWARDS THE REGISTER.

GEORGE
Hoo boy. Can’t enjoy a pastry, can’t

enjoy a sandwich... (throws his hands up)

THOSE TERRORISTS REALLY DID IT!

GEORGE ACCIDENTALLY BUMPS INTO A PASSING WOMAN. HE GRABS HER SHOULDERS TO KEEP HER FROM FALLING.

WOMAN That touch. I know it.

SHE CARESSES GEORGE’S FACE. HE AND JERRY ARE CONFUSED. WOMAN (CONT’D)

...My God. You’re the man who saved me

from the World Trade Center!

GEORGE CONSIDERS THE OPPORTUNITY. HE TURNS TO JERRY FOR AN OPINION, WHO SHAKES HIS HEAD. “ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!”

GEORGE

Yes. I am.
THE WOMAN EMBRACES GEORGE.

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY
ELAINE SITS AT BRIAN’S BEDSIDE AS HE RECOUNTS HIS TALE.

11.

BRIAN
I was just sitting at my computer,

typing away...
ELAINE NODS AS HE MIMES TYPING AND MAKES KEYSTROKE SOUNDS.

BRIAN (CONT’D)
When I heard this whirring sound,

WHIIIIIIIIRRRR...
ELAINE TRIES TO HIDE HER ANNOYANCE.

BRIAN (CONT’D) And then - BOOM! PKSHRGHGH!

FWAAAAAAH!!! ELAINE

Mmm. Fwah.

BRIAN FWAAAAAAH!!!

INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - DAY

A BANNER READS “TERRORISM VICTIMS CLAIMS ADMINISTRATION”. A VOLUNTEER PASSES OUT COFFEE DOWN THE LINE. KRAMER TAKES A CUP, WINKING. HE TURNS TO A SAD MAN BEHIND HIM.

KRAMER
The mood is dead in here. What’re you

here for?

SAD MAN Tower 7 fell on my dog.

KRAMER IS TAKEN ABACK AND GIVES THE MAN A PAT ON THE SHOULDER. THE ADMINISTRATOR CALLS FROM THE TABLE IN FRONT.

12.

Next!

CLAIMS ADMINISTRATOR

KRAMER
Yeah, I’d like to make a claim.

Property loss.

CLAIMS ADMINISTRATOR (filling out form)

Estimated value? KRAMER

Twenty.

CLAIMS ADMINISTRATOR Twenty-thousand, okay.

KRAMER
No no, twenty dollars.

CLAIMS ADMINISTRATOR

Excuse me?

KRAMER
Mohamed Atta borrowed my box-cutter. I

want a replacement.
CLAIMS ADMINISTRATOR

Mohamed Atta borrowed your box-cutter? You realize we’re all here because of your damn box-cutter? We ain’t giving out box-cutters. You don’t go to the burn unit to bum a cigarette!

KRAMER
Hey, how ‘bout a little compassion?

13.

CLAIMS ADMINISTRATOR (to the room)

This guy gave Mohamed Atta his box-

cutter!
BOOS FROM THE ROOM. SHOUTS OF “TRAITOR!” AND “TERRORIST!”

KRAMER I’m a victim here!

CLAIMS ADMINISTRATOR You’d better get your box-cutting behind outta here before I cut it

myself.

KRAMER (pointing)

This isn’t over. Oh no.
THE CROWD THROWS PAPER AND COFFEE AT KRAMER AS HE EXITS. INT. SUPPORT GROUP MEETING ROOM - DAY
GEORGE SITS AMONG A DOZEN SURVIVORS.

MALE SURVIVOR
We thought you must have died in the

collapse. How did you get out?! GEORGE

Well you see, as the ground gave way beneath me, I jumped at a moment JUST SUCH that as I fell I floated between the floors, ultimately landing softly atop the rubble. I would have said good bye, but by then I was quite tired.

14.

FEMALE SURVIVOR Carrying twelve people down eighty

flights of stairs. We couldn’t even make out your face through all the smoke. I can still hear you coughing and sneezing.

GEORGE
Yes, the coughing, the sneezing. The

wheezing.

MALE SURVIVOR 2
A brave cough. And a very distinctive

sneeze.

FEMALE SURVIVOR 2
The sneeze stood out to me as well. AGREEMENT FROM THE ROOM. “YES. THE SNEEZE.”

FEMALE SURVIVOR It was the sneeze of a hero.

GEORGE (feigning modesty)

Well... yes.

MALE SURVIVOR 2 (raising his coffee cup)

TO GEORGE COSTANZA! INT. JERRY’S SAAB - NIGHT

JERRY IN THE DRIVER’S SEAT NEXT TO BECCA, HIS DATE.

15.

BECCA
I had a great time tonight. It’s so

nice to forget about this tragedy for a few hours.

JERRY
You’ve been volunteering at Ground

Zero all week; even the search dogs deserve a night out. Send ‘em to Le Cirque - I’ll pay!

BECCA
You’re really sweet. See you soon?

JERRY Definitely.

BOTH SMILE AND LEAN IN FOR THE KISS UNTIL JERRY FREEZES. FROM JERRY’S POV WE SEE A SPECK OF DUST IN BECCA’S TEETH. BECCA OPENS HER EYES, CONFUSED, AS JERRY RECOILS.

BECCA

...What?
UNSURE, JERRY AWKWARDLY MOTIONS TO HIS TEETH. INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT - DAY
JERRY AND ELAINE.

You wouldn’t

ELAINE
kiss her because of DUST?

JERRY
could see! It was coming 747! She said she

It was all I
at me like a
couldn’t date someone so petty.

(MORE)

16.

JERRY (CONT'D)
What am I supposed to do? The entire

city is filthy now! ELAINE

This is NEW YORK you’re talking about. JERRY

This dust isn’t like other dust - this is different dust.

ELAINE There’s no different dust.

JERRY
Of course there’s different dust! This

isn’t subway dust or under-the-bed dust, not even creepy-haunted-house dust.

ELAINE What’s the difference?

JERRY IT’S DIFFERENT!

ELAINE RUNS HER FINGER ACROSS THE TABLE AND BLOWS THE RESIDUE AT JERRY. HE FLINCHES AND PULLS HIS COLLAR UP AS A SHIELD. GEORGE ENTERS WEARING A FLASHY NEW BLAZER.

JERRY (CONT’D)
But then, why should I fear dust when

the real monster stands before us? ELAINE

Where’d that come from?

17.

two, make from

NEWMAN SPOTS POSTAL SACK.

SURE, but the terrorists - they the country tear itself apart the INSIDE.

KRAMER FROM THE HALL AND ENTERS WITH A FULL

GEORGE
You like it? My survivors bought it

for me. Apparently I tore mine off and used it as a tourniquet on one of their legs. Debbie. No, maybe it was Jan.

JERRY
So strange that you’d forget.

KRAMER ENTERS.

Any luck?

JERRY (CONT’D)

KRAMER
Nada! They kicked me to the curb like

an orphan begging for soup. See this is how it starts, Jerry. An attack or

NEWMAN Did you get it?

KRAMER They’re stonewalling me!

NEWMAN
But I’ve got a fresh haul, ready to

go! Hello, Jerry.

18.

JERRY
Hello, Newman. What’s all this?

NEWMAN
Castaways - from the Island of Misfit

Postage.

JERRY
You’re opening people’s mail?

NEWMAN
A Postal Officer would never dream of

it! We uphold a sacred vow to deliver all parcels to their destination, or, barring that, return them dutifully to their origin. But, should the address be illegible and no return sender made known, well... MWAHAHAHA!

ELAINE
You ever get anything good?

KRAMER
Oh yeah. Last Easter we found an

envelope with 650 loose jelly beans. That’ll keep your mojo flowing.

NEWMAN
I’ve got a good feeling about this

lot. Open one.

KRAMER ATTEMPTS TO OPEN A BOX WITH HIS HANDS. HE FIGHTS THE TAPE TO NO AVAIL, HIS BODY TWISTING UNTIL HE FALLS BACKWARDS TO THE FLOOR. HE RISES AND SLAMS THE PACKAGE ON THE TABLE.

19.

KRAMER THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS! NEWMAN

Just use a key! KRAMER

What, are we BARBARIANS?! This box doesn’t open until I have justice.

GEORGE What are you gonna do?

INT. JACKIE CHILES’ OFFICE - DAY JACKIE ON THE PHONE.

JACKIE
A box-cutter? For cutting boxes?

INT. PHONEBOOTH - CONTINUOUS KRAMER IN THE BOOTH.

KRAMER
And they REFUSE to give me a new one!

INTERCUT JACKIE & KRAMER JACKIE

Why can’t YOU buy another box-cutter? I can see three stores from my window that sell box-cutters. Pharmacy - bodega - HOME DEPOT!

KRAMER
It’s the principle of the matter!

A LIKELY WIDOW BANGS ON THE GLASS AND HOLDS UP A PICTURE OF A BANKER.

20.

 

LIKELY WIDOW Please! Please, have you seen my

husband?!

KRAMER (deeply uncomfortable)

YEAH, NO ENGLISH! JACKIE

What’s that commotion? Where are you? KRAMER

A phone booth in TriBeCa. JACKIE

A phone booth? Whose phone booth? Why are you calling me from a phone booth?

KRAMER
In case my home wire’s tapped - I

don’t know how far up this goes! JACKIE

You’d better believe I don’t need that kind of trouble, Kramer. It could be detrimental - pernicious - INJURIOUS!

KRAMER
C’mon, Jackie, I need you!

INT. JACKIE CHILES’ OFFICE - CONTINUOUS JACKIE

You’re on your own on this one, Kramer. You call me again, you’re getting slapped with a restraining order. God Bless America.

21.

JACKIE HANGS UP AND TURNS TO THE CLIENTS IN HIS OFFICE. JACKIE (CONT’D)

THE TWO

MONTAGE

My apologies, Gentlemen. Now, you say you carried out certain services for the United States Government?

SAUDI SHEIKS SITTING ACROSS FROM JACKIE NOD. - VARIOUS

22.

ALAN JACKSON’S “WHERE WERE YOU” PLAYS.

A) INT. SUPPORT GROUP MEETING ROOM - DAY - GEORGE COMFORTS

AND HUGS TEARFUL SURVIVORS.

B) INT. SUPPORT GROUP MEETING ROOM - LATER - THE SURVIVORS PART TO ALLOW GEORGE FIRST PICK OF COFFEE AND PASTRIES.

C) INT. SUPPORT GROUP MEETING ROOM - LATER - GEORGE IS DRAPED WITH A SASH READING “NYC’S GREATEST HERO”.

D) EXT. SIDEWALK - DAY - PASSERSBY APPLAUD GEORGE AS HE WALKS DOWN THE STREET, STILL WEARING THE SASH.

E) INT. VIDEO STORE - DAY - THE CLERK OFFERS GEORGE A COMPLIMENTARY TUB OF POPCORN AND, FROM UNDER THE COUNTER, A XXX VHS.

F) INT. BAKERY - DAY - THE BAKER REFUSES PAYMENT FROM GEORGE FOR A BOX OF PASTRIES.

G) EXT. FIREHOUSE - DAY - THE FIREFIGHTER IN A SLING FROM YANKEE STADIUM WASHES HIS TRUCK AS GEORGE WALKS PAST. GEORGE SMILES AND TIPS HIS COFFEE AND PASTRY IN ACKNOWLEDGEMENT AS THE FIREFIGHTER LOOKS ON BEMUSED.

H) EXT. STATEN ISLAND FERRY - TWILIGHT - GEORGE LOOKS UP IN AWE FROM THE DECK AS THE FERRY PASSES THE STATUE OF LIBERTY. UPON FINISHING HE PASTRY, HE WIPES HIS MOUTH WITH THE SASH.

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY
ELAINE AGAIN AT BRIAN’S BEDSIDE, SLOUCHED IN HER CHAIR.

BRIAN
They had me in surgery last night to

put steel rods in my legs. I woke up in the middle of it.

 

OH MY GOD!

ELAINE

BRIAN
I couldn’t feel anything, but I HEARD

everything!

Oh my God.

ELAINE

BRIAN
There must have been a drill. VZING-

VZING! ZEEEEEeeeen. VZING-VZING-VZING! ELAINE

Look, Brian, I am OVERJOYED that you survived this HORRIFIC event.

BRIAN

Me too!

ELAINE
But I’ve been thinking -

BRIAN
Hold on, I wanna see this.

BRIAN TURNS UP THE TV.
TV REPORT - EXT. GROUND ZERO - CONTINUOUS A REPORTER INTERVIEWS GEORGE’S SURVIVORS.

MALE SURVIVOR
We were trapped behind the flames,

praying for a quick death.

23.

INTERCUT HOSPITAL ROOM & TV BRIAN

Hey! Those are my coworkers! FEMALE SURVIVOR

We’re only alive because of Mr.

Costanza.
SHE THRUSTS GEORGE BEFORE THE CAMERA.

REPORTER
George, these people have called you

the bravest New Yorker to ever live. GEORGE

Well, that’s not for me to decide... INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - CONTINUOUS

BRIAN
Wait a minute. That must be the man

who saved me!

EXT. GROUND ZERO - CONTINUOUS
AS THE REPORT WRAPS UP, A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, RACHEL, WALKS OVER. SHE HOLDS A SINGLE ROSE.

RACHEL
What you did was extraordinary.

GEORGE
Please. I really didn’t do anything.

RACHEL

My husband died in the attacks. (handing the rose to George)

I’m Rachel.

INT. GEORGE’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
GEORGE AND RACHEL KISS PASSIONATELY IN BED. SHE BREAKS.

24.

 

RACHEL
I’m sorry, I just can’t stop thinking

about what it must have been like inside the towers. The smoke, the flames. I can’t imagine.

GEORGE Neither can I.

RACHEL ...but, you were there.

GEORGE
...which is why I can’t “imagine.” I

can only “know.” RACHEL

I never thought I’d be with someone so soon. I wonder if this is what Richard would want.

GEORGE
We can never know for sure. But I DO

know he’d want you to be very happy. RACHEL

You’re a good man, George Costanza. THEY KISS PASSIONATELY.

END OF ACT I

25.

ACT II

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT - DAY
GEORGE BEAMS FROM EAR TO EAR ACROSS THE KITCHEN ISLAND AS JERRY LOOKS AT HIM SLACK-JAWED.

JERRY

Come here.

GEORGE LEANS IN. JERRY RUNS HIS HANDS OVER GEORGE’S HEAD AND LOOKS CLOSELY.

GEORGE

What?

JERRY
There’s gotta be a hole or a flap

where you soul escaped. If we find it, we can seal it while there’s still something left.

GEORGE
I’m making people happy!

JERRY
SHE’S A WIDOW! WE’RE PROBABLY

BREATHING IN HER HUSBAND RIGHT NOW! ELAINE ENTERS.

GEORGE

Hey-hey!

ELAINE (beaming ear-to-ear)

HI!

ELAINE SWINGS HER PURSE AND KNOCKS GEORGE IN THE HEAD. HE FALLS BACK ON THE COUCH.

GEORGE WHAT THE HELL?!

26.

 

ELAINE
YOU STUPID, SNIVELING LITTLE HERO!

YOU’RE THE ONE WHO SAVED BRIAN’S LIFE! GEORGE

What are you talking about? I didn’t do anything!

ELAINE
But the saint of a man you’re

PRETENDING to be did. Brian told me

the whole story. You were crawling on

your hands and knees -
(sound effects like Brian’s)

KERSH, KERSHHH - DRAGGING him through FLAMES, when the building began to shake. DUUUUUUUUGE. You both KNEW this was it. Brian was terrified, but you comforted him - like a JACKASS! You told him he was going to make it and that he had to promise to live every day to the fullest, without an OUNCE of fear or regret. He told me this while lying in a hospital bed - IV’s in his arms and steel in his legs. He was crying. I WAS CRYING. THE ENTIRE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA IS CRYING.

(MORE)

27.

ELAINE (CONT'D)
And when a man who, by the grace of

God, survived the deadliest terror

attack in our nation’s history

PROPOSES TO YOU USING HIS HOSPITAL

WRIST BAND AS AN ENGAGEMENT RING, (she raises her hand to show)

YOU DON’T SAY NO. YOU CAN’T SAY NO.

BECAUSE YOU. ARE NOT. A MONSTER!

INT. HARDWARE STORE - DAY
KRAMER PERUSES A SHELF UNTIL HE COMES ACROSS A BOX-CUTTER. HE EXAMINES IT AND PUMPS HIS FIST IN SILENT DEFEAT - “THEY GOT ME!” HE APPROACHES THE FRIENDLY CASHIER.

HARDWARE STORE CASHIER Box-cutter, huh?

KRAMER
Oh yeah. You wouldn’t believe what

happened to my last one.
HARDWARE STORE CASHIER

Go ahead - try me!

KRAMER NODS. HE’LL GIVE IT A GO.

EXT. HARDWARE STORE - DAY
KRAMER IS TOSSED TO THE CURB, FALLING INTO A PILE OF TRASH.

HARDWARE STORE CASHIER BURN IN HELL, YOU SON OF A BITCH!

KRAMER UNITED WE STAND!

INT. DRY CLEANERS - DAY
JERRY HANDS ALL OF HIS CLOTHES TO THE ATTENDANT.

28.

 

All of them?

ATTENDANT

JERRY
All of them. What’s your deepest

clean?

ATTENDANT

Deep Clean.
JERRY

Anything deeper than that? ATTENDANT

There are... ways, BUT BE WARNED your clothes will pay a terrible price.

JERRY Let’s go with that.

A GROUP OF DUST-COVERED FIRST RESPONDERS ATTENDANT

How are you, Gentlemen?! Please, to the front!

JERRY (nervous)

What’s going on? ATTENDANT

Free cleaning for all first

-

WALKS IN.

right

responders. The least we could do!

THE MEN DROP LOADS OF DUSTY CLOTHES RIGHT ON TOP OF JERRY’S PILE. THEY TAKE OFF THEIR DUSTY JACKETS, BUMPING INTO JERRY AS THEY DO. JERRY PANICS AND BACKS OUT THE DOOR.

ATTENDANT (CONT’D) Hey, your ticket!

29.

JERRY

KEEP ‘EM!
INT. STEINBRENNER’S OFFICE - DAY
GEORGE ENTERS, STEINBRENNER AT HIS DESK.

GEORGE
You wanted to see me, Sir?

STEINBRENNER
Yes, George, come in, come in. I have

to tell you, George, I’m furious. You’ve lied to us.

GEORGE

No, no Sir!

STEINBRENNER
Dammit, George, that’s another lie!

Here you are, pretending to be one thing when you’re not it at all. You should be ASHAMED!

GEORGE (in tears)

You’re right. I’m sorry. I’M SO SORRY! STEINBRENNER

Sorry’s not gonna cut it, George. Not when you’re A HERO!

GEORGE

...huh?

STEINBRENNER
I heard what you did at the World

Trade Center. (MORE)

30.

STEINBRENNER (CONT'D) This whole time we thought you were

some sort of low-life, sniveling rat person - the kind who’d cut another man’s foot off to find the penny inside. But look at you!

GEORGE

Well...

STEINBRENNER
You know, I always knew you had a big

heart. Not too big, mind you, reasonably big. You don’t want a heart too large - that’s why we had to cut Darryl Strawberry. Cocaine makes the chest swell. Like my face this time I went to Red Lobster. I’m not allergic to shellfish - a bee stung me in the restroom. That’s why we have such good pest control in the stadium. No bugs in the bathroom, George! Hey, that would be a good nickname for me. No- Bugs-In-The-Bathroom-George! We should get T-shirts made. People love T- shirts. You know, I’m not sure why we do those T-shirt giveaways - we’re losing money. I’m gonna reverse it. Pay For Your Own T-shirt Day!

31.

INT. MONK’S - DAY

JERRY WEARS A HOODIE, AVIATORS, SURGEON’S MASK, AND LEATHER GLOVES. ELAINE WATCHES AS HE ADDS CREAM TO HIS COFFEE.

ELAINE Do you miss it?

JERRY PULLS DOWN HIS MASK. JERRY

Miss what?

ELAINE
Peeing in jars on the top floor of

your casino.
GEORGE ENTERS AND SITS NEXT TO ELAINE.

GEORGE

You are not going to believe this! (turning to Elaine)

Hi.
ELAINE RECOILS AT GEORGE’S TOUCH. GEORGE EXAMINES JERRY.

GEORGE (CONT’D) What’s his deal?

ELAINE Who? OJ Kaczynski? JERRY

Dust.

GEORGE
Sure. Anyways, Steinbrenner calls me

into his office, tells me how proud

the Yankees are of me. (MORE)

32.

GEORGE (CONT'D)
He and Giuliani and planning this

banquet tomorrow night to honor the heroes. He wants ME at the HEAD TABLE!

JERRY
No, George, NO! This has gone too far.

I’m putting an end to this! ELAINE

Alright, I’m in. GEORGE

You are?

ELAINE
I have to call off a fake engagement

because of you. I’m at least meeting the mayor.

GEORGE
She’s in! Bring Brad along, too; he’s

had a rough week. ELAINE

Brian.

Whatever.

GEORGE

KRAMER ENTERS WITH A BULLHORN STRAPPED OVER HIS SHOULDER, FOLLOWED BY KOOKS MARGE, BENNY, AND ARTHUR. THEY HOLD SIGNS.

KRAMER (into bullhorn)

There they are! Hey, Jerry! JERRY

Turn that thing off!

33.

KRAMER
Take a look! I’m not the only one who

had my compensation claim denied. We’re taking on the system. Who’s with us?

JERRY Kramer, this is insane.

KRAMER
Jerry, the real victims are being

forgotten! Marge here hasn’t been able to concentrate on her scrapbooking with all the sirens, and because of the non-stop news coverage, Benny is missing his game shows.

BENNY
If I can’t watch Password, I’ll die.

ELAINE (re: Arthur)

What’s he demanding? ARTHUR

A full investigation, to prove that government agents planned the attacks -

KRAMER
Ta-ta-TA! We’re, uh, not in total

agreement on that one. But that doesn’t mean we won’t fight for what’s right!

(MORE)

34.

KRAMER (CONT'D) (into bullhorn)

What do we want?! KOOKS

Justice!

KRAMER
In what form do we want it?!

KOOKS Government checks!

AS THEY EXIT, KRAMER AIMS THE BULLHORN RIGHT AT THE CASHIER. KRAMER

What do we - THE CASHIER RECOILS.

KRAMER (CONT’D) (still into bullhorn)

Sorry.

GEORGE
I gotta find my tux. What are my

parents gonna say?!
INT. THE COSTANZAS’ LIVING ROOM - NIGHT GEORGE STANDS BEFORE FRANK AND ESTELLE.

ESTELLE Mayor Giuliani?!

GEORGE Can you believe it?!

FRANK GRABS PAPERS FROM AN END-TABLE DRAWER.

35.

FRANK
Show him my parking tickets. This

could be our one chance to have them vacated.

ESTELLE
What were YOU doing in the World Trade

Center?

GEORGE ...Getting lunch.

FRANK
It doesn’t matter; our son is a hero!

George, tomorrow night, I want you to

wear my helmet from Korea.
FRANK HANDS THE HELMET TO GEORGE, WHO EXAMINES IT.

GEORGE Is that blood?

FRANK From a lieutenant I cheating in a poker

mistaken.

accused of game. I was

ESTELLE
This is all very strange.

FRANK
You’re worse than the terrorists!

36.

ESTELLE
Why was he getting lunch in the

Financial District at 8 o’clock in the morning?!

FRANK
YOU CAN EAT LUNCH WHEN YOU WANT TO IN

AMERICA. IT’S WHAT MAKES THIS COUNTRY GREAT!

ESTELLE
NO ONE EATS LUNCH THAT EARLY - YOU’RE

INSANE!

FRANK I’M A PATRIOT!

INT. SPA - DAY
A FRAZZLED JERRY, WEARING A WHITE ROBE, FOLLOWS A MASSEUSE.

MASSEUSE
You seem a little high-strung.

JERRY Just a little.

MASSEUSE
You’re here for the detox treatment?

JERRY
Oh yeah, full detox. If it’s in me, I

want it out of me.

37.

MASSEUSE
You came to the right place. Let me

show you some of the products we’ll be using. Witch hazel, grapefruit-infused sea salt, our speciality mud mask...

JERRY

Mud mask?

MASSEUSE
Mmhmm! We use all-natural, local

ingredients. This mud was collected from the shores of the Hudson River in Battery Park this morning. Let me just get my incense. I’ll be right back!

JERRY

Uh-huh.

AS SHE EXITS THROUGH ONE DOOR, JERRY RACES OUT

ANOTHER.

EXT. STREET - DAY
JERRY POWER WALKS DOWN THE STREET IN NOTHING BUT HIS ROBE, BUMPING INTO PEOPLE AS HE GOES.

HE COMES TO A HALT AND GASPS WHEN HE ENCOUNTERS A WOMAN SWEEPING HER STOOP.

HE TURNS AROUND TO FIND CONSTRUCTION WORKERS SHOVELING GRAVEL, DUST BILLOWING FROM THE PILE.

HE LOOKS ACROSS THE STREET TO SEE THE DRY CLEANING ATTENDANT OUTSIDE HIS SHOP. THE ATTENDANT WAVES CHEERILY TO JERRY AS FIRST RESPONDERS THROW DUSTY COATS INTO HIS OPEN ARMS.

JERRY SCREAMS. HE SEARCHES FOR A SOLUTION. HE’S STANDING IN FRONT OF AN OUTDOOR BISTRO. JERRY RIPS THE RED-AND-WHITE TABLECLOTH FROM ONE OF THE TABLES AND WRAPS IT AROUND HIS MOUTH AND HEAD FOR PROTECTION. THE RESTAURATEUR COMES OUT.

38.

RESTAURATEUR

What’s going on? (pointing to Jerry)

TERRORIST!

JERRY SPRINTS AWAY AS PEOPLE SHOUT AFTER HIM. “TERRORIST! TERRORIST!”

INT. BANQUET HALL RECEPTION AREA - NIGHT
A BANNER READS “HONORING OUR HEROS!” FORMAL ATTIRE. JERRY MILLS ABOUT. HE’S APPROACHED BY UNCLE LEO.

UNCLE LEO Jerry! Hello!

JERRY
Uncle Leo? What are you doing here?

UNCLE LEO
Your Cousin Jeffrey was a hero in

Central Park! He tackled a Halal vendor operating without a license. You should let HIM give a speech!

39.

KRAMER ENTERS.

Hey.

KRAMER

JERRY
Hey. Shouldn’t you be fighting the

power?

KRAMER
That’s on hold for now. Benny bought

some old Wheel Of Fortune tapes at

Coney Island. (MORE)

KRAMER (CONT'D)
And Arthur, well, three men in suits

walked over, PICKED HIM UP by the shoulders, and tossed him in a black van. We may not be seeing him for... quite some time.

JERRY The struggle goes on.

INT. MAIN HALL - NIGHT
GEORGE GLAD HANDS WITH SURVIVORS AND DIGNITARIES.

DIGNITARY
Is it true you kicked through a

concrete wall while your shoes were on fire?

GEORGE If they say it is!

ELAINE WHEELS BRIAN UP TO THEIR TABLE. GEORGE JOINS. GEORGE (CONT’D)

THERE HE IS - BRIAN! (shaking his hand)

So great to meet you! BRIAN

We’ve already met! GEORGE

SURE! We’ll talk later.
GEORGE WALKS OFF. BRIAN TURNS TO ELAINE.

BRIAN
Saved by your best friend so I could

marry you. It has to be fate. (MORE)

40.

BRIAN (CONT'D)

Like God looking down on all of us. (Heavenly revelation sound)

WAAAAAAAAAAA! ELAINE

Oh, it was... definitely something.

ELAINE TAKES A BIG SIP OF WINE.

INT. HALL CORNER - NIGHT
KRAMER GRABS HORS D’OEUVRES FROM WAITERS’ TRAYS. AS HE TRIES

41.

TO REACH FOR A TRAY THAT BUMPS INTO HIM, KNOCKING

INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
KRAMER SMACKS UP AGAINST
CHEF USING A SHARP KNIFE
TWINKLE IN HIS EYE. THE CHEF NOTICES KRAMER.

IS PASSING HIM BY, ANOTHER WAITER KRAMER THROUGH THE KITCHEN DOORS.

 

Howdy.

KRAMER

INT. MAIN HALL - NIGHT
A SPEAKER STANDS AT THE LECTERN.

SPEAKER
While we mourn the loss of countless

lives, we celebrate the very best in humanity that this event has brought to the forefront. Please welcome our first hero - George Costanza!

APPLAUSE AS GEORGE STANDS FROM THE TABLE. HE WALKS TO THE LECTERN, AND HUGS THE SPEAKER.

KISSES RACHEL,

THE WALL OF THE KITCHEN. HE SPOTS A TO FILET SALMON. KRAMER GETS A

 

KRAMER SLIDES INTO GEORGE’S SEAT AT THE TABLE. HE SHOWS JERRY THE KNIFE.

KRAMER Lookie what I found.

JERRY Where’d you get that?

KRAMER One of the cooks. I George to autograph oughta give the old

for it’s dinero!

told him I’d get his apron. This Mastuyama a run

GEORGE (at the lectern)

Thank you, thank you. I probably don’t

deserve to be standing here tonight...
KRAMER PULLS A MANILA ENVELOPE FROM HIS JACKET POCKET.

KRAMER
I brought one of the misfits along.

How bout a test drive? JERRY

Kramer, put it away. KRAMER

I wonder what’s in the mail today!
KRAMER SLICES THE TOP OF THE ENVELOPE. A BURST OF WHITE

POWDER COVERS HIS FACE. HE COUGHS. JERRY IS ALSO ENGULFED. JERRY

WHAT IS IT?! GET IT AWAY! JERRY LEAPS FROM THE TABLE.

GEORGE
But if you say I’m a hero, well -

JERRY BLINDLY STUMBLES ONTO THE STAGE, BRUSHING HIMSELF. JERRY

GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!

JERRY BUMPS INTO GEORGE, GETTING DUST IN HIS FACE. GEORGE SNIVELS AND LET’S OUT A GIANT SNEEZE.

42.

AT THE SURVIVORS TABLE, ALL EYES GO WIDE. SOME DROP FORKS. FEMALE SURVIVOR

That’s not the sneeze of the man that

saved us.
(leaping up and pointing)

GEORGE COSTANZA IS AN IMPOSTER!
SURVIVORS STORM THE STAGE, COMING AFTER THE DUSTY GEORGE.

GEORGE

NO! NO!

BRIAN LOOKS ON SHOCKED. ELAINE TAKES ANOTHER BIG SIP OF WINE AND REMOVES HER RING, PLACING IT IN FRONT OF BRIAN.

ELAINE
So maybe it wasn’t exactly FATE...

END OF EPISODE

FADE OUT. 
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B50l484pDaMobXI2Wk5CX0NMbkU/view

 

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)7 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸

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