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Showing results for tags 'depression'.
So it's that time of year at my school. Finals week. People are scrambling to get their grades up and get the massive stack of essays edited and turned it and me? Well I can barely get out of my fucking bed. My depression has hit me hard these past few weeks and I have no clue what to do, my medication usually keeps me up enough to get things done but It's just not working as well anymore and I can't see my doctor for another 2 weeks so any advice any of you might have would be great.
At first I was gonna whine about how disgusting I am as a human being but maybe I should make this more coherent or constructive. Or at least try. I just... hate being broken, mentally ill, not functioning properly. I get panic attacks. But I'm not some kinda speech police so I won't go all bitchy and demand those TRIGGER WARNINGS, because, well, stuff that sets me off are so common and every day that it's dumb to restrict people like that. But it's like, fuck, I didn't have this problem before 2012. I was fine with looking at porn, fine with having kinky chats, fine with openly talking about sex. But then something happened, the porn I used to look at would give me these weird fucking panic attacks, and if friends started talking about the sex they've had the same shit would happen too except I'm too embarrassed to tell them so I'd just try to hide it. I've sorta gotten better but still have a long way to go. Sometimes porn still bothers me, sometimes it doesn't. I never know when it will or not. I have to politely tell friends I can't talk about sex even though I HATE being some kinda speech police and restrict people like that. I don't even know what the root of this is. Or maybe I do. A blend of gender dysphoria and my failed love life and virginity, I guess? I feel disgusted with myself a lot, especially when the panic attacks start. But am I not making this harder than it should be? I could just be a prostitute or something except my therapist seems to say, and I agree, that I want something more, I want... some kind of love or intimacy or whatever. Just, fuck, I'm just rambling at this point but I wanna function normally again. Not have panic attacks over erotic comics like that one time I was in a comic book store and started sweating with my heart rate going crazy and my body getting all wobbly so I can't walk straight for hours. ...this was supposed to be a short rant. I'm stoopid. tl;dr I get panic attacks over porn and sex and life fucking sucks kthxbai
I've made many threads about being depressed before but this time I felt I wanted to bring up a problem that I'm sure we've all experienced before, so you're all free to offer advice or experiences on your own. So anyway, now it's another weekend. Almost every weekend is the same. Heck, almost every week, period is the same. I do my Biology studies, I do my chores, go to my water gymnastics to get a workout twice a week, play video games... and it repeats and it repeats. Weekends are often the worst for me because I'm all by myself then, no school or people to meet. Life gets monotonous, every weekend feels the same, like that Bill Murray movie this thread's named after (Edge of Tomorrow was a much better movie tho, FUCK YEAH). I cook when I have to, I do dishes, groom my body hair with a razor and an epilator, I clean my place every two weeks... and it's the same. Every single week or every two weeks. I'm just getting sick of doing the same stuff over and over but I feel like I have little choice. Sometimes I wonder if I have OCD (I know my brother does) but probably not 'cause I don't have compulsive habits that affect my life negatively. I just feel... bound by some kind of duty, a responsibility. I HAVE TO cook, I HAVE TO do the dishes, I HAVE TO clean, I HAVE TO use that damn epilator every week, and I HAVE TO study and often I put all of these things before my own mental health and happiness. Because I've lived alone in this apartment for five years now. No one's gonna do any of these things for me. I have to do it. Chores, grooming and personal hygiene don't do themselves. But I'm feeling less motivated, less inclined, and I wonder how long it'll take before I just stop doing all these things so I gotta buy a bunch of frozen crap food and be hairier than a fucking yeti. I'm sick of the constant repetition. Something needs to happen, but I dunno what. You guys ever have the same problem?