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At first I was gonna whine about how disgusting I am as a human being but maybe I should make this more coherent or constructive. Or at least try. I just... hate being broken, mentally ill, not functioning properly. I get panic attacks. But I'm not some kinda speech police so I won't go all bitchy and demand those TRIGGER WARNINGS, because, well, stuff that sets me off are so common and every day that it's dumb to restrict people like that. But it's like, fuck, I didn't have this problem before 2012. I was fine with looking at porn, fine with having kinky chats, fine with openly talking about sex. But then something happened, the porn I used to look at would give me these weird fucking panic attacks, and if friends started talking about the sex they've had the same shit would happen too except I'm too embarrassed to tell them so I'd just try to hide it. I've sorta gotten better but still have a long way to go. Sometimes porn still bothers me, sometimes it doesn't. I never know when it will or not. I have to politely tell friends I can't talk about sex even though I HATE being some kinda speech police and restrict people like that. I don't even know what the root of this is. Or maybe I do. A blend of gender dysphoria and my failed love life and virginity, I guess? I feel disgusted with myself a lot, especially when the panic attacks start. But am I not making this harder than it should be? I could just be a prostitute or something except my therapist seems to say, and I agree, that I want something more, I want... some kind of love or intimacy or whatever. Just, fuck, I'm just rambling at this point but I wanna function normally again. Not have panic attacks over erotic comics like that one time I was in a comic book store and started sweating with my heart rate going crazy and my body getting all wobbly so I can't walk straight for hours. ...this was supposed to be a short rant. I'm stoopid. tl;dr I get panic attacks over porn and sex and life fucking sucks kthxbai