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Stupid fucking depression gives you a lot of time to think about, cope with, or handle shit on your own, and I fucking hate it. The bottom line for me, I wish I was never born. I wish there was a point before life where somebody would mention the fact that you have to be alive, do your own thing to cope, and watch other people die around you until you're left into whatever fucking bullshit predicament you're left in before you pass yourself. I'd rather just not be anything at that point. Who the fuck wants to look forward to being in the same scope as their (at least, my own) grandparents, stuck in a world of Alzheimers or Dementia until you can't fucking breathe anymore. How fucking fun does that sound?

Fuck me, I can usually feel better by thinking about today and tomorrow, but the fucking thought about an inevitable future that none of us fucking picked, it's fucking there. We will most likely be around when our own parents die, there is a chance that we'll be around when our fucking siblings die, our loved ones, fucking anybody. There's a chance that we will experience a horrible and painful death for no good reason in the prime of our life.

We all hope for good times and success, and how many of us actually experience it? One thing is for certain, nobody can just live their life without some kind of bullshit lingering over their shoulder, there's always something there, doesn't matter who you are.

Fucking feeling depressed for me a few years ago was like fuck me I want to just drive my truck into a support for a concrete overpass right off of the governor, had a pretty good plan, but now it's totally different. It's like fuck I hope this isn't going to be as shitty as it feels like it's going to be, and it usually isn't... Same fucking feelings are there, just years of being used to it...

Still fucked up about the just being fucking born thing, I bet there are countless others that would love to have the life that I have, why the fuck is it me instead of them? Why in the fuck is it that there's always a feeling of some kind of fucking bullshit lingering over my shoulder when I'd be happier just not fucking existing? Let somebody else have the shit I have, I am lucky in terms of too many things, and I still feel like shit too many times.

I don't know, fuck depression.

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1 hour ago, Wrecker said:

I hope you know I wasn't fucking around, thanks for that.

Sorry, that was in poor taste.

I'm actually surprised that no one has yet posted something along the lines of you've got it so good, there are others in worse situations, pull up your socks, etc. Those seem to be the standard replies to such posts in other forums.


As for the future you describe, it is not inevitable. You don't have to force yourself to live that long provided you know what you're doing.

There's always the risk of dying or getting incapacitated early but that is a risk that everyone has to bear. If you're concerned about that get legal advice about writing up a will and also instructions to follow in case you wind up in a condition where you can't legally make decisions for yourself.


Take the following with a grain of salt, it's based on my own experience and discussion with others with various views and does not constitute "professional" psychological advice:

I'm sure you've already talked to others and received responses urging you to continue living regardless of your circumstances or your own reasons for killing yourself. I'm also assuming that you know that if you blab too much to the wrong people you'll likely get imprisoned and possibly drugged against your will.

IMO this decision should always rest on the individual and not on the society intent on keeping the individual as a consumer/taxpayer/worker/etc, provided that the individual carefully considers their options and isn't acting on delusions (eg hallucinations or misinformation) or as a knee-jerk response.

Carefully consider what to do with your life and beware of the biases in others in either urging you to live or die; make the decision for yourself alone.

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I want to try and say some kind words because I can relate. I've already lost my biological mother, so I know what its like to lose close loved ones. And looking on the future with bleak eyes, fearful of what's to come? Such fears are constant. I'm in college right now, and I often wonder if I'll be able to pass all my classes. I worry that I'll wind up failing, wind up not being able to receive the funding necessary to complete college, and in the end wind up being a dropout. What would I do then? I don't know.

Having talked to others about this, I think that its probably best to not dwell on thinking about the future. Take each day at a time, only thinking about and handling each day's matters rather than worrying about the far future, since the future does often seem very bleak. Time can be cruel, but the thing about time is, is that you can't see the future. And if you can't see the future, then maybe things can get better, y'know? I realize that probably sounds cliche, that a million people have said that. If it makes you feel any better though, things like Alzheimer's and dementia aren't guaranteed, and there are ways to help mitigate their effects as well as ways to make getting said things less likely, and the future always has a chance of coming up with a definitive cure for that.

Also find a counselor/therapist/psychiatrist. Having someone to talk about one's problems with really helps. Just being able to tell somebody else how you're feeling, just having someone out there know can bring peace. And while I haven't taken any medication for it myself, I've been told that (and from what I've seen) oftentimes depression is part of a chemical imbalance in the brain. That there's medication out there to help that, so if that's something necessary, someone like a psychiatrist may be able to help you work towards getting help in that manner too. But most importantly, above all else, its important to have people to talk to. Holding things in only makes things worse, and one can feel so very alone if there's no one else to tell these things to.


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