Gnarl Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 just a blurp from the new book i am working on. Space pirates The misadventures of Captain Greymuzzle and his band of aging pirates. Captain Greymuzzle strode forward leading his group of “Visitors” as he often called the captive bridge crew of the vessel they had just taken. “Allow me to introduce some of my crew. This is my chief gunner Bang. He comes from the Boom clan on the planet Nitro. As you probably know that Nitro is a trinary system with it small moon Tri, the main planet of Nitro and the gas giant of Tall-u-lean. Unfortunately, due to an accident some years back with a hammock, he is only able to speak his name. Which he often does, loudly.“BANG!” The group stepped back, their eyes wide as they looked at the wide eyed figure of a five foot tall slightly hyper active mongoose. The Captain smiled. “These are my general deck hands Hoo, Wat, Wen, Wear, Wy and Hoa. They hail from the planet Tazmania in the Seti tau system. They are very good with their hands but be warned, they do bite. The group looked at the sharp black coloring and the white mark that each had on the top of their heads. “These are my equipment officer, Ensign Dingo and his assistant Gopher. I have no idea how they do what they do but no matter what we need they seem to have it hidden in that locker of theirs. “Peace!” Dingo smiled and looked over the glasses with the small round black lenses. His loud tidied shirt and the color of his Ferret fur made him look more like a tourist than an officer on a pirate ship.“Like wow, man!” Gopher waved at them with his pinky and forefinger extended. With the way this Mere cat acted the captain kept expecting him to say “Dude” any moment. The Captain frowned as a teenage female ran up and stood in line slightly bouncing at the very thought of being introduced as a space pirate. She stood almost six feet tall and the sharp shite stripe on her long tail made all of them slightly nervous. “This is Scamp. As yet I have no idea what she is still doing here.” The Captain gave her a stare. “Being a Space Pirate! Sir!” She saluted, sort of anyway. Greymuzzle just shook his head and continued on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FlynnCoyote Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 You're missing some punctuation in a few spots and I'm not sure about your structuring.Premise seems solid enough though and your descriptions are on their way so this could work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Conker Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 Is this at the very beginning? Because it's a heavy exposition dump and not a particularly subtle one at that.The general deck hand names got a chuckle out of me, and I certainly like the tone you have going though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gnarl Posted September 28, 2015 Author Share Posted September 28, 2015 No it is just a blurp from about the middle of the first chapter. Still pretty raw, It is a story about a cruise ship captain who,when he retired, won his ship in a poker game.He was turning it into a home for old sailors, until they got bored. Yes, their space ship is a retired cruise ship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Conker Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 (edited) No it is just a blurp from about the middle of the first chapter. Still pretty raw, It is a story about a cruise ship captain who,when he retired, won his ship in a poker game.He was turning it into a home for old sailors, until they got bored. Yes, their space ship is a retired cruise ship. So, I've never really got why people share out-of-context blurbs from stories that are still way early in development. I don't share anything until draft two, because draft one is always a fucking mess. Always. Yet a lot of the places I go that have writing sections feature what you're doing: People sharing WIPs. I don't get it! They're not accurate representations of what's going on, bound to be edited to hell and back or even completely cut, and sometimes confusing. At least yours was an alright place to start and stop. Edited September 28, 2015 by Conker Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gnarl Posted September 29, 2015 Author Share Posted September 29, 2015 Thanks, i thjnk.. besides it is just a teaser to get you to read the full story when it is done. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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