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Rave/Rant: The WolfNight Saga of the day


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*~*~DISCLAIMER:this is pretty much a long venty thing of everything on my mind, tl;dr~*~*

Where do I begin?

Today was a hectic day, its been pretty hard to relax. Part in a bad way, part in a good way. Its one of those days where I have a lot on my mind, running a thousand a minute. In a way its refreshing, as I'm often stagnate in that department most of the time these days for some reason.

*I thought I'd lost my cards typically in my front wallet pocket, figured I'd jump on that and cancel them. I did, and for whatever reason today my company's service line was exhausting and tiresome through the process. Fast forward later, I thought I'd buy some alcoholic beverages for such a day, nope, no ID. Bummer. (Turns out they were all elsewhere and canceling my cards was a moot safety precaution)

*Most of my day today is work. My #1 failure in life is my inability to connect with people. Im a bit (very much, actually) of a closed book. I dont speak unless spoken to, share unless asked to, listen unless talked to. Maybe I've just learned this from past experience (I just assume people dont want to hear from or of me unless they initiate things, otherwise I'd bother them), or maybe Im just damaged by nature. 

One of the reasons I acquired the job I did was because I was able to identify a sticky note drawing of Solid Snake from MGS on an office wall (A game I dont even know much about), this among other attributes told my manager that Id be a good fit for the environment because I'd get along well with my coworkers and make a good team.

Yes and no. Mostly no. In a way I failed in that respect. My coworkers dont hate me, but they certainly are too distant from me, and thats my doing. I failed my original hiring manager. These people arent my friends, and Ive hardly personally conversed with them. Its hard. Social anxiety is hard, and I wish I could explain that this doesnt come easy to me. I honestly dont have a good answer when my manager asks me "Why are you so quiet?" What can I say? How do I fix myself to be normal?

I wish I was like Rodger. I wish I was like Melody. I wish I was like Johanna. Its almost completely natural for them to be super friendly and open and kind to everyone. But not me. I try for friendly, at least. But in even newer environments where I dont have to be involved in any way I shut off entirely. Im kind of self absorbed, in a way.

The good of it all is, this job is probably more socially rewarding than the last(s). In the past I worked for small places, so most of my crew were older folks more tightly knit. That, and only one or two people my age. I didnt click with anyone. I was fucked. Every day was just work conversations. Nothing social, all business. I couldnt manage among them. I didnt belong.

Here though at least. I know everyone. Everyone. I know their name. I know their quirks. Likes/dislikes. I pick up details. I know what makes them good people. I even know what makes them bad people. I honestly admire and respect all my coworkers, even if they have no idea and dont know it. I still dont feel like I belong, but for once I somewhat belong. 

I kind of dont belong anywhere really. Not here. Not there.

Something that makes me cry at night all the time.


Every day at work, people have been calling me sir. Sir. Sir. Sir. Brother. Buddy. "Give it to him". Dude. Man. 

It started once or twice. Then it began often.

Something at some point clicked, and a switch flipped, now suddenly Im a man to those who glance or look my way. Its amazing.

Why me? Why am I so fortunate? Why have I grazed past such a hurdle that most like me can never dream of? Why do I have it so easy somehow?

Even my coworkers, who I have yet to tell if ever, had made the "mistake", my manager called me sir once, and flusteredly took it back saying yes ma'am. All I did was smile. My coworker, talking to my manager, called me he then immediately flipped to she. A customer called me sir, but immediately changed it to ma'am after remembering the pronoun my manager used referring her to my register.

Its unbelievable, and Im starting to feel that I dont have to keep overthinking what I am in my head anymore, that I can just BE, like everyone else does. Its not a big deal after all, I just am what I am, life goes on.

*A mother and her two boys came in today. She purchased a tube of lipstick and two pink leopard toys for the boys. One of the boys wore purple lipstick, smudged ungracefully on his lips. It was evident that it was purchased for him, and immediately handed to him. That made me smile.

Its one of those inspiring things that Id want to write a story about The Boy With The Purple Lipstick  In that boy I saw myself, a boy feminine and being himself, someone openly doing something they enjoy and feeling good about themselves. In him I saw all the little boys that were discovering themselves still, and would learn someday they were a woman.

I liked that this mother GETS IT. That she realizes that paint on her son's lips isn't going to make him a woman or gay. (She referred to both as 'boys', so she certainly wasnt trying to make them girls) I like that she probably would love him or her the same if either of those things came to be true.

Such is a thing I worry about everytime I see someone new come by. That fear on the backburner, that fear that as nice as they are, on the flipside they never will understand. They're never going to understand, and that behind all that those people will be the ones to frown and scoff at that mother for how she raises her children, be angry at the openness and compassion she gives them. That free realm to give them happiness and not close doors based on some vague conceptualized standared of who they MUST became.

That made me smile.

*Sometimes people come into the store with dogs. This is awesome. I fear that it is an unspoken rule they should not, and I fear that someday a stupid person will bring a dog will be too unruly, and cause this rule to be strictly re-enforced. But alas, until then the sight of a dog pleases

*Bats. I saw one today. A small brown one. Up close and personal. It was a small creature clinging to the brick wall by the stairs of my apartment. It was so close, high but not too high. Climbing slightly on the wall it was close enough to the touch. With a pointer finger I stroked its back, it bared its jaws at me and I could see it's tiny sharp teeth, but overall the creature remained placidly clung to the wall. I knew stroking it gently likely already irittated it (Im surprised it hadnt moved, perhaps it was unwell?) So I made no other moves. Part of me wishes I would have grabbed it and held it in my hand for a little while, a once in a lifetime experience to hold such a tiny, typically flittering creature. It's an opportunity I missed because I wished not to disturb the frail, calm animal. Perhaps someday I may get the chance again, but for now Im glad to have met it as close and personal as is.

*Bad news. Last thing today someone purchased two gift cards. $500 each. $1,000 total. I didnt think much of it. A slight alarm in my head said it was a lot, but still hers.

In the end a call later on came. It said someone stole a credit card. Its my fault. I was indirectly responsible, I did nothing to question it. I couldve checked an ID. In fact shouldve. Its just...I assumed it was hers.

That's my problem, I guess. I assume everyone is inherently good, until proven otherwise. But it should be the opposite (to be safe, at least)

I should assume all people are inherently evil until proven otherwise. Perhaps I see things far too much through rose-colored glasses, I hardly suspect the worst until its to late. Maybe this will be my downfall.

So Im kind of scared...Its not entirely my fault, but it is. Im afraid this could hurt me, and someone else. Im scared that I was responsible for helping someone hurt someone else. A person who harmed another to gain something for themself. Someone was financially raped. And its my fault. It made me feel sick in my stomach. I can only wish others are understanding.

Maybe I can even hope for justice, security cameras are a thing, after all.

*I actually...have fun at my minimum wage sheer basic job. I dont want to keep it for life. In fact I'd feel like a failure after too long. Its mostly the fact that it has no significant standing and that it's not meant to be a career, really. That I cant live on that wage, forever. That. And its super generic and doesnt directly involve my interests and likes (most times). But. Its life. I've just learned a lot out of it, and the smallest and newest and different details often highlight my day. 

I can only wish for a career of a job like this someday, just much furrier (no not this kind of furry, fags)

*I did a stupid thing, again, today. It was really, really stupid. So stupid Id feel too flustered to speak of it. If one ever got this far (congratulations) one could PM me about it.

But I just need to say on that front. Im fucking lucky. Im really fucking lucky. Its the third time, and all Ive ever been was lucky..

All the good that has happened when things couldve gone bad. Sheer dumb luck.

I swear one day my luck is going to run out.


Im glad it isnt today.


Its good to come home to a cat or two after a tiring day. 

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