Putting some order in my life.

[Jerry]

That's a long due thing. And it's nothing but positive.

In the last few days I reached a point where I couldn't keep on lying to myself any longer without starting to ruin my life.

All the things I forced myself to do or not do because of what others would say about it. That's why I've been feeling like a failure for most of my life. I've let others dictate my life, and obviously I have never benefited in any meaningful way from it.

On the particular subject of social skills... It took me some time to find it, but I remembered @Endless/Nameless quoted me about something related to social skills and friendships, and he hit the nail right on the head:

Quote

I used to have issues like that quite often, but I've since gotten a little better at it all.

Most of these problems are cause by a lack of confidence. My advice? Fake it. Seriously. It's what I do!! In social situations where you feel intimidated/shy/etc, just act like you've got the upper hand. It's not as hard as it sounds. Think of it this way, it's not like they're any better or more important than you, so why should you have to act like they are? And they won't know the difference; they'll just think you've got your shit together. And the more you practice it, the more you'll find yourself actually feeling confident. If you're not a confident person by nature, you have to train it. I'm totally pulling this out of my ass but I've gotten good results this way myself.

A rule of thumb I go by is "always take the biggest chair".

And also, if you feel like you don't have anything to add to a discussion, don't obsess; just read other peoples replies if it's interesting, and move on. Your subconscious will be mulling it over in the back of your head, and more often than you'd expect you'll end up coming back later to chime in.

This is a very accurate description of what my vision of others is. I always consider I'm not worth of people's time, or attention. Like I put them on a pedestal or something. So they must all have somebody else out there much more interesting than me to spend time with, right? At least that's how things have been for a LONG time. Unless I had an exclusive friendship with someone, I was systematically left aside in favour of a seemingly more interesting person when said person showed up.

But the most toxic effects have been on a personal level. I didn't chose to have uncommon interests and skills, but trying to put them aside and force other things upon myself definitely is a choice. One that I just can't do anymore, no matter how well or bad it's going to be received. 

And it's not as if I never experienced what it's like to do things that I enjoy. I still remember upon discovering YouTube in late 2006 how I wanted to and did make videos. That was MY decision, one of the very few truly coming from me, and I never regretted it despite having been bullied for it.

Today it is rather about whether or not I should create a partial fursuit combined with this costume and go to a con dressed like that. I probably will because I like it. It'll be my silly moment. X3 And if people find it distasteful or retarded, meh, whatever.

I would probably put too much pressure on myself trying to change 15 year-old habits in weeks or months, but I'm definitely starting to work on it right freaking now.

[LazerMaster5]

That's the spirit. I know what it's like to have uncommon tastes, but at the same time these things mean the world to me. If I rejected my loves to try and be more accessible to others, I would probably be down like you are. Just focus on what you actually enjoy and you will be much happier. 

I love how big of a nerd you are. Embrace your true self and people will like you for who you are.

[Fantasma]

It is an amazing thing to be able to admit your own failings, I just kind of learned mine the other night so atleast now when they eat me up inside like acid until I want to cry I can acknowledge them instead of blocking them out.

 

I've learned just to do you, maybe better for me than you as I destroyed any positive perception of me recently and basically have no reason to try to be anything else anymore.

[Endless/Nameless]

Good for you, man. 👍 Take control of who you are.

[JegoLego]

If I've learned anything in my short life, it's that being myself is the most freeing feeling ever.  Finding who i want to be requires that i first know who i am. Be honest with yourself, not critical, and not ignorant.  I tend to be super open around others which makes me feel great, like i don't have to hold back anything, but that's just me.

 

I hope for you the best of luck dude, and I wish for you happiness.

[#00Buck]

Be yourself. 

Have fun. 

Do whatever. 

[Jerry]

Now the only problem is that I'm in front of a big void in a way. I don't really know what to do with my life, and not just career wise but in general.

I feel that getting rid of my self-loathing issues will reveal a great deal of surprises... Not sure if I should expect good surprises or bad surprises. But in all cases there really is no going back anyway.