I push myself too hard

[AleuLeLoup]

I have an intense fear of failure. It doesn't matter what it is. It can be something as pointless as video games to things that do matter like work or school, it doesn't matter.

For every game I play, I have to do it 100%.

For work, I have to know everything. I'm not even a fucking manager. I've asked for it but was rejected because of conflicts with my school schedule. And speaking of school, I can't get anything less than an A. It's simply not an option for me. I'll admit I'm not taking four classes, just three. I know there is at least a limit there but I've not taken three classes at once since I've worked part time in fast food. That was about eight years ago.

Also being a social failure is a thing for me. I lost a lot of good people over the last two years and I hate it. In mentality, if ties are cut, then I've done something wrong as a friend and I need to fix it but can't because burned bridges. Even if the person is incredibly toxic and has done nothing to benefit our friendship, clearly I've done something to agitate them.

I don't know how to stop. I'm tired all the time. I'm sick more often. I'm afraid to take a break because I'm not sure if I would get back up again. But I don't know what my end goal is so I don't know how long I can keep this up. This is just so incredibly frustrating to me.

[Jerry]

I went through this myself, but at some point I think I was faced with a choice, a sort of crossroad if you will. Either I keep on sinking in sorrow and regret, or I just let go.

I was perfectionist, too. If anything, it just set expectations which could be semi-met, at best. Otherwise it just screams FAILURE, It's not a realistic standard to follow in life, to be honest. It is much healthier to regard failure as an opportunity to learn. "This didn't work because XYZ". It's OK not to get everything right the first time, we're not computers (and even computers can fail!). It takes time to learn, and it's important you give yourself the time for it.

Failure is part of life. The important thing is to learn from it, and grow as a result. Even if it seems to take too much time, at least you're going forward.

I can tell you that letting go has been incredibly beneficial to me. Gone are the days of worshipping perfection. Now I even expect failure should I learn anything because no, perfection doesn't exist. I can only learn so fast. And if people whine it's not fast enough for them, well they can fuck off. I'm not going to make the same mistake again.

[LazerMaster5]

Take a break. Go to a weekend long music festival. Unplug from reality and rock out. Or maybe drive into the middle of nowhere and get in touch with Mother Nature. Take a complete break from your busy life. That is the best way to let your mind unwind and relieve any stress you may have.

Or just spend some downtime with some cool movies or a nice book. Either way, you need a break from the stress of life.

[AleuLeLoup]

21 hours ago, Jerry said:

I went through this myself, but at some point I think I was faced with a choice, a sort of crossroad if you will. Either I keep on sinking in sorrow and regret, or I just let go.

I was perfectionist, too. If anything, it just set expectations which could be semi-met, at best. Otherwise it just screams FAILURE, It's not a realistic standard to follow in life, to be honest. It is much healthier to regard failure as an opportunity to learn. "This didn't work because XYZ". It's OK not to get everything right the first time, we're not computers (and even computers can fail!). It takes time to learn, and it's important you give yourself the time for it.

Failure is part of life. The important thing is to learn from it, and grow as a result. Even if it seems to take too much time, at least you're going forward.

I can tell you that letting go has been incredibly beneficial to me. Gone are the days of worshipping perfection. Now I even expect failure should I learn anything because no, perfection doesn't exist. I can only learn so fast. And if people whine it's not fast enough for them, well they can fuck off. I'm not going to make the same mistake again.

I know failure is a part of life so I've tried to go over the good that has resulted from it if it's something that's out of my control. If it is something I could have prevented then I try to find out what the mistake and try not to do it again. But I have a flaw of holding grudges which includes focusing too much on the mistake and being hard on myself for it.

I know it's not healthy and I am working on it :c

[Jerry]

2 hours ago, AleuLeLoup said:

I know failure is a part of life so I've tried to go over the good that has resulted from it if it's something that's out of my control. If it is something I could have prevented then I try to find out what the mistake and try not to do it again. But I have a flaw of holding grudges which includes focusing too much on the mistake and being hard on myself for it.

I know it's not healthy and I am working on it :c

That's great. Awareness is half the battle!

[AleuLeLoup]

17 hours ago, Jerry said:

That's great. Awareness is half the battle!

Well then the rest should be easy because I'm very hyper aware about myself. I feel like minoring in psychology is probably the biggest double edge sword for me. On the one hand, I understand people better. On the other hand I am kept up at night realizing how shitty of a person I am no matter which route I go. Hooray for existential crisis!

[Jerry]

13 hours ago, AleuLeLoup said:

Well then the rest should be easy because I'm very hyper aware about myself. I feel like minoring in psychology is probably the biggest double edge sword for me. On the one hand, I understand people better. On the other hand I am kept up at night realizing how shitty of a person I am no matter which route I go. Hooray for existential crisis!

I did consider pursuing a career in psychology at some point. I'm realizing that my own understanding of people is actually better than I thought, but that insightfulness is the very thing that can drain me if I'm unable to keep a certain emotional "distance" between me and others.

[Vallium]

I'd be a freak and venture far enough to say that, in low doses, some of those traits of your drive to success and fear of failure may very well make you a better person. What is a person if not striving for better while aware of potential flaws?

 

I guess the key here is striking a balance.

 

As for the friendships, the failed ones. I completey understand. There are many I could call friend that I am a terrible friend to, in that I dont often or no longer interact with them if only because Im lazy...its sad but, all I know is I hope they all know my fondness for the times we've had never waned. Theyve been an essential factor at play in my life.

 

 

Anyways, me rambling is rather useless, I hope you turn a new leaf in discovering yourself in your struggles