Kellie Gator Posted March 13, 2016 Share Posted March 13, 2016 I've been having doubts about my writing lately so I kinda wanted to post something to get feedback from you guys. Problem is, all of my texts so far are in Swedish, so I tried writing something up in english for a change, and see how that would go. These texts all belong in a series and a universe I have no name for yet, but the premise, I suppose, is similar to Zootopia, although I started writing way back in 2011-2012. It's a dystopian cyberpunk world inhabited entirely by reptiles, and, well, hijinks ensue. I think of it as for young adults but most YA literature is so... clean, bland. This text I wrote today is a test of sorts, a hypothetical first chapter of a novel that I like to call "The Bubble that Burst". I dunno if I'll use this for anything though, this was merely written so I can have critique on it. So here we go. Quote The sun didn’t shine. It burned. The arid landscape provided little shadow for the hard labor camp that made the sounds of machines and anguish from it’s workers. Slowly approaching the camp was a big, black car, leaving a tail of thick dust behind it until it stopped at the gate, where two bearded dragons with the letters ”NSD” on their black jackets approached it. ”Identification” one of the lizards demanded. The window slid down to reveal a gila monster, staring back with grumpy eyes and showing a badge stating clearly that he was a police officer named Sten and that he was the head of the anti-terrorism unit. Both lizards nodded and let the car drive further, then park, and the venomous lizard stepped out. He was more appropriately dressed for the occasion, wearing nothing but a protective vest and various weapons hanging from it and his belt. He flicked his tongue a bit and reacted with disgust, as if discovering a new, special kind of disgusting scent. He looked at the chimneys above the building to his right and assumed the worst. He explored the surroundings, the suffering workers, consisting mostly of lizards, iguanas and crocodiles. His black eyes fixated mostly on the crocodiles, but he made sure not too stare to long, as if he didn’t wish to make friends. He pulled out a phone from his belt and began to show everyone a photo of a slightly overweight female crocodile wearing a black shirt and wrist-warmers, but was either ignored or answered with shaking heads. ”How am I supposed to find her? They all look the damn same to me” Sten spoke to himself and kept exploring. Miners, factory workers, arms-manufacturers, but still not the right female crocodile. Then, suddenly, a hug from behind, startling him and making him draw his plasma gun at the person doing it from behind. It was her, smiling at him before being zapped by a shock collar and falling to the ground in pain. ”Goddamn! I can’t even hug someone with this stupid thing?” she groaned and was met with a glare from the lizard. ”Oh, hi, Sten!” ”We’re not friends” Sten replied with a shaking head. ”Oh, get over yourself! You waterboarded me and I’m not mad at you anymore. Well, maybe a little, but right now I’d happily do it again. The heat here is ridiculous and I’m so damn thirsty!” ”Cut the crap” the lizard sighed. ”I need your help.” ”Me? Why me? I’m just some random crocodile in a labor camp?” ”It… pains me to say this, but you have brains. And you’re the only crocodile I can rely on since all crocodiles got fired from the force because of our stupid government. Come with me” said the lizard and pulled the crocodile up on her feet. ”Oh boy! You just called the government stupid! I think the universe just imploded” replied the croc with excitement. ”This is still very much a police matter, Corto. I want you to… oh, who am I kidding, you never take anything seriously. But listen” Sten said, escorting Corto to the black car and then closing the doors. He handed over a case file to the crocodile. She flipped through the pages without really reading, which caused an annoyed look from the venomous lizard, but she did look closely at the pictures, which showed a cigar-smoking crocodile. ”Man, he’s hot!” Corto observed. ”He’s known as Dino. He was our secretary of defense but after the last election he defected and started organizing groups of cyborg reptiles to take control of various territories. He completely went off the radar and we don’t know where he is, but his influence lives on and the government is on my tail to find him.” ”Here’s what I don’t get” said Corto and kept flipping through the pages. ”Why is he a bad guy?” ”Well, what he’s doing is clearly illegal. He’s a criminal.” ”And?” ”You know. Organized crime, murder, opposition to the government, propaganda against the state.” ”But you called the government stupid” the crocodile said and poked the lizard’s nose. ”Clearly you don’t like them very much, silly.” ”Well, yeah, but… the law is the law. He has to pay.” ”Oh, you authoritarians! Always so confused! Anyway, I’d like to meet this dude. What do we do?” ”Well, you have to go home. That’s where the riots started.” If Corto were human, her face would’ve gone pale at this moment. The crocodile finally stopped smiling and scratched her head nervously. ”My parents fled, but… what about Sierra? And everyone else?” ”They should be fine. But that’s the problem. Chances are, they’re going to look different when you meet them, if they are still alive.” ”If?” ”You’ll see when you’re there” Sten replied coldly and started the engine, driving into the wasteland, far away from the labor camp and it’s draconian chimneys. PLEASE give some honest critique and let me know what I can improve on here. I wrote this for a reason, I feel like my writing lately has gotten worse rather than better, so I kinda want some confirmation on if it really is bad or if it's just low self-esteem. Don't be afraid to tell me anything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Conker Posted March 14, 2016 Share Posted March 14, 2016 I only read through it once, so first impressions are: There are some tonal issues. Labor camp in a dry, hot desert and everyone seems kinda pissed off in the beginning. THen the croc shows up and it's jokes and light-hearted banter until the end. I found that jarring. I'd also like more descriptions of things, what they look like, etc. I'll check it again later for more in-depth feedback, if you'd like. Though there's not a whole lot here to go off of. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kellie Gator Posted March 14, 2016 Author Share Posted March 14, 2016 6 hours ago, Conker said: I only read through it once, so first impressions are: There are some tonal issues. Labor camp in a dry, hot desert and everyone seems kinda pissed off in the beginning. THen the croc shows up and it's jokes and light-hearted banter until the end. I found that jarring. I'd also like more descriptions of things, what they look like, etc. I'll check it again later for more in-depth feedback, if you'd like. Though there's not a whole lot here to go off of. I would like that in-depth feedback a lot. The point of the croc is that she's supposed to be kind of a screwball but I suppose it wasn't too fitting here. As for descriptions, you're probably right. I've had problems with that recently, I can't seem to think of good descriptions anymore. I didn't have that problem earlier (in texts I can't share because they're Swedish) but now I do. It makes me feel pretty dumb, really. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Conker Posted March 15, 2016 Share Posted March 15, 2016 On 3/14/2016 at 2:10 AM, Kellie Gator said: I would like that in-depth feedback a lot. The point of the croc is that she's supposed to be kind of a screwball but I suppose it wasn't too fitting here. As for descriptions, you're probably right. I've had problems with that recently, I can't seem to think of good descriptions anymore. I didn't have that problem earlier (in texts I can't share because they're Swedish) but now I do. It makes me feel pretty dumb, really. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1IIHuUeabS1NXmqZbvJkPPfMTig7SybWNVd8QiP_mEDI/edit?usp=sharing Hope that works. Right now anyone with the link can view/edit, but ti's not public public. I put a ton of comments in there, so I guess read them at your leisure. Know that what I put there are my stupid opinions and you can tell me to fuck off if you want to. It's your story. I sometimes forget that bit when I'm looking at things like this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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