I just need to vent

[FlynnCoyote]

Lately I just seem to struggle more and more with even the basics of getting through each day. I get up, I drink coffee and I go to work. I finish work, I drive home, fuck around at my laptop for a few hours and go to bed. Breaks in this routine only come if I visit family on the way home for a short while, or if work goes longer. I'm only really happy when I'm being creative, ie drawing, writing, painting or sculpting. Naturally, trying to keep this up every day after a full day of work is exhausting. I'm lucky to manage a drawing once every week or two now. There was a time I could churn out two pics a night four nights a week. That drive is well and truly gone. I want it back but I don't know where to look. 

I have a manuscript about a third the way done. I'll probably self publish once it's finished, but recently I don't know if it ever will be. I dabbled in cosplay, it looked fun and easy enough but lost interest partway through a necron costume. I've canceled commissions because I honestly can't be fucked to work on them unless they fit exactly into the kind of thing I want to draw at that time.

I remember two points in my life where I was at my happiest. The precious six months when I was with the woman I thought I'd marry, and a year of my life back in my early twenties I spent practicing various martial arts. Since losing both of these things my mentality has just dropped to the point I don't even care about the projects I used to be excited about now that I can actually afford them. The world has become bland and hollow, and dealing with half a generation of retarded snowflake entitled kids makes me less and less concerned about waking up each morning by the week. The one thing keeping me going is a strong desire to prove so many of those fuck faced little cunts wrong and show them that the world owes them fucking nothing. Preferably in the harshest manner possible.

 

I think I need to get back to regular martial arts training. My physical health has deteriorated and it's probably affecting my mental and emotional well being. Maybe I'll meet someone else.along the way and calm back down. Right now I don't have a real purpose, and the reality that nothing I do matters is heavier than usual. I'll get through this. Last time this happened to me a few "friends" disappeared. Gonna be fun to see who's there on the other side of this trip. 

 

 

[Fantasma]

You need to establish a pattern of things to do, even if you don't have the energy required.

Once you get on a schedule and get used to it things will ease.

And Flynn, my entire year and a half down to the start of last year was like that.

 

 

So what martial arts do you do?

[Endless/Nameless]

I know something of what that's like, so I emphasize. 

At least you have a few creative outlets and such. I'd latch onto those whenever you can; keep yourself stimulated. 

And it's good you're looking into other things that inspire you.

I hope things work out. You will feel better, eventually. And you can always come here to blow off steam. 

[FlynnCoyote]

I was practicing various forms of Kung Fu and Tai Chi. I could disarm an attacker with a knife, break limbs in a matter of seconds and make an enemy's face imprint on concrete. I was fit. I was strong, I was fast. I was confident, happy and relished each day I was alive knowing I stood a slightly better chance of staying that way in the face of people who might try to end it. I was trained using numerous techniques employed by the monks in the shaolin temples. It was painful and difficult, but after the first few months it paid off and I started to get into the swing of things. I fell out of regular practice after about a year and three months, and for the past four years I've hated myself for it. I remember almost everything, but without the routine and the atmosphere of where I learned, I just don't have the stamina and technique I used to.

2 minutes ago, Endless/Nameless said:

 And you can always come here to blow off steam. 

Not the way I'd prefer let off steam. I'd get banned probably.

[Fantasma]

@FlynnCoyote

Yeah keeping the blade sharp without attending classes is kinda hard. You get rusty and dull alot of the time.

I have almost a year of silat but I've been away off and on for more than that. Val seems to be picking it up quite nicely learning off me, so I assume I'm not terrible atleast.

[#00Buck]

16 hours ago, FlynnCoyote said:

The world has become bland and hollow, and dealing with half a generation of retarded snowflake entitled kids makes me less and less concerned about waking up each morning by the week. The one thing keeping me going is a strong desire to prove so many of those fuck faced little cunts wrong and show them that the world owes them fucking nothing. Preferably in the harshest manner possible.

I think your problem is that you're an angry person. Your post in this thread as well as other posts in the forum are quite angry You also seem to want to argue with people just for the sake of getting your aggression out. Starting conflicts with other people socially or otherwise is not a healthy behaviour. 

At the very least you need a positive outlet for your anger. What would be even better is to determine the root cause of your anger and control it or even switch it off. There must be a reason why you're so angry. Figure it out. 

16 hours ago, FlynnCoyote said:

I remember two points in my life where I was at my happiest. The precious six months when I was with the woman I thought I'd marry, and a year of my life back in my early twenties I spent practicing various martial arts.

It sounds like you need a relationship. The martial arts is probably a good thing as well. I'd pick whichever of the two you think is easiest to do and start working on it right away. Once you have one started get going on the other. It isn't a guaranteed path to feeling better but it did work in the past so it is worth a try. 

[FlynnCoyote]

9 minutes ago, #00Buck said:

There must be a reason why you're so angry. Figure it out.

Thanks Dr. Phil. So helpful. :v

[Falaffel]

16 hours ago, FlynnCoyote said:

The one thing keeping me going is a strong desire to prove so many of those fuck faced little cunts wrong and show them that the world owes them fucking nothing. Preferably in the harshest manner possible.

Being frank with you, mate. That's fucking terrible. If you're solely driven by hate then you need to take a big step back and analyse why. That is very unhealthy for you.

 

3 minutes ago, FlynnCoyote said:

Thanks Dr. Phil. So helpful. :v

Don't be a prick about it. Actually take his words into consideration and make an honest attempt at finding out what is wrong with you. If you fail to do it alone, seek help. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. 

If you can not figure out the reasoning for your hatred, the main reason you seem to be miserable, you will remain that way. Knowledge is powerful. If you truly wish to improve, seek it out.

[FlynnCoyote]

Just now, Falaffel said:

Being frank with you, mate. That's fucking terrible. If you're solely driven by hate then you need to take a big step back and analyse why. That is very unhealthy for you.

Some of the most productive things I have done in my life have been to prove someone wrong. It is a strong motivator for me. It works. It's gotten me places. And it feels fucking great.

1 minute ago, Falaffel said:

Don't be a prick about it. Actually take his words into consideration and make an honest attempt at finding out what is wrong with you. If you fail to do it alone, seek help. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. 

If you can not figure out the reasoning for your hatred, the main reason you seem to be miserable, you will remain that way. Knowledge is powerful. If you truly wish to improve, seek it out.

Well if either of you had read what I wrote, you'd both know that I already understand where my happy place is. And I am already working towards it. There are three dojos in my area, two of which teach what I want to relearn. Don't assume you know what works for me. I have not given you or anyone here that much information. 

[#00Buck]

Just now, FlynnCoyote said:

Thanks Dr. Phil. So helpful. :v

This response shows exactly what is wrong with the life choices you are making. 

Venting does not solve the problem. 

You open the vent. Pressure is blown off. The vent closes again. Press builds back up. 

Unless you actually do something to solve the problem causing the pressure you're going to feel this way for the rest of your life. 

You know two possible solutions to your problem. 

So...

You can sit on your ass and post on a forum and feel crappy or you get up and actually do something positive for yourself. 

I am being helpful. You know the obvious solutions to try.

The person who you need help from the most is yourself. 

So help yourself or don't. The choice is yours. Just know that if you continue to feel bad it is your choice to feel that way.

[Falaffel]

1 minute ago, FlynnCoyote said:

Some of the most productive things I have done in my life have been to prove someone wrong. It is a strong motivator for me. It works. It's gotten me places. And it feels fucking great.

Well if either of you had read what I wrote, you'd both know that I already understand where my happy place is. And I am already working towards it. There are three dojos in my area, two of which teach what I want to relearn. Don't assume you know what works for me. I have not given you or anyone here that much information. 

You're solving one half of the issue. You know where to find happiness, sure, but you do not know where to kill the issue at it's roots. 

Maybe you're just too proud to admit there's something wrong with you. Let me repeat. Hatred is unhealthy. Having that be a prime motivator for you is only more harmful to you in the long run. 

[FlynnCoyote]

Oh now there are two therapists.

Let me make this blunt for both of you so you can both stop trying to feed your own egos. Because whether you admit it or not, that is exactly what you are both doing. You want to make yourself feel better by "helping" someone you perceive to be in need of your sound and blatantly cliche wisdom.

I completely understand what my issue is. I know exactly why I find hate to be my best motivator. I know there are steps to fix it. I know there are other ways to deal with problems. I know my life needs changes.

Here's the thing. I don't want to make that change. At least not yet. Not until I have certain securities and fall back in place. Martial Arts is just another way to regularly vent, putting all my anger in one place and leaving my other more creative hobbies free to feed of more positive energy without negative interference. 

This thread had one purpose. For me to vent and put my thoughts in a more coherent manner, as well as solidify my immediate goals as I step towards the long term. Endless and Johanna empathized. And that was fine. But Buck and Falaffel trying to fix an issue that isn't theirs to fix is the exact opposite of what I need right now. So do all three of us a favour and kindly fuck off. Door's there. I'll open it when I damn well am ready, not before.

[#00Buck]

6 minutes ago, FlynnCoyote said:

Some of the most productive things I have done in my life have been to prove someone wrong. It is a strong motivator for me. It works. It's gotten me places. And it feels fucking great.

This is an unhealthy form of motivation. Someone says something that you think is wrong and you react to it by trying to prove something to them?

How important are these people who you are trying to prove things to so badly?

17 hours ago, FlynnCoyote said:

The world has become bland and hollow, and dealing with half a generation of retarded snowflake entitled kids makes me less and less concerned about waking up each morning by the week. The one thing keeping me going is a strong desire to prove so many of those fuck faced little cunts wrong and show them that the world owes them fucking nothing. Preferably in the harshest manner possible.

You said you're trying to prove things to a bunch of kids. 

You're trying to prove a point to people who don't matter in the first place. 

Kids don't run companies, get elected president, or make major decisions about anything. 

If you're going to prove something to someone pick a worthy opponent. Pick someone who can make a major change in the world. 

In other words you are showing no respect for the value of your time and effort by throwing it away on useless arguments. 

17 hours ago, FlynnCoyote said:

 I'm lucky to manage a drawing once every week or two now. There was a time I could churn out two pics a night four nights a week. That drive is well and truly gone. I want it back but I don't know where to look. 

I have a manuscript about a third the way done. I'll probably self publish once it's finished, but recently I don't know if it ever will be. I dabbled in cosplay, it looked fun and easy enough but lost interest partway through a necron costume. I've canceled commissions because I honestly can't be fucked to work on them unless they fit exactly into the kind of thing I want to draw at that time.

Maybe if you dumped less effort into proving things to kids you would have some energy and motivation left for healthy creative activities?

Stop throwing yourself away on people who don't matter.

When you focus on people who don't matter. You don't matter. 

You should be able to post an update in less than 24 hours about one thing you've done to change your life for the better.

That is how easy this is. You just have to do it. 

[FlynnCoyote]

Well that was my bad with the wording there, thoughts were all over the place. The kids entitlement thing and proving people wrong are two different issues. I'm not wasting any time trying to prove kids wrong. Like you said, they don't matter. They just piss me off. The people I'm trying to prove wrong are the people telling me the things I can't or shouldn't do.

Kind of like you. So sorry about the lack of clarity there. But I still don't really give a fuck what you think either.

 

[Falaffel]

5 minutes ago, FlynnCoyote said:

I completely understand what my issue is. I know exactly why I find hate to be my best motivator. I know there are steps to fix it. I know there are other ways to deal with problems. I know my life needs changes.

Here's the thing. I don't want to make that change. At least not yet. Not until I have certain securities and fall back in place. Martial Arts is just another way to regularly vent, putting all my anger in one place and leaving my other more creative hobbies free to feed of more positive energy without negative interference. 

As long as you acknowledge it and plan to do something about it, that's fine. You could a have said that in the first place instead of getting angry, as you seem to like doing. As it turns out, getting angry isn't doing you many favors, eh~?

Jabs aside, good luck in your endeavors. Contrary to what you may think, I have no ill feelings towards you. I have no interest in being "right". I just wanted to help. I apologize for not being capable of simply empathizing, but, frankly, it didn't seem helpful. I don't see the point in approving behavior that i simply don't, y'know?

I'm sorry I only seemed to say things you already knew, and I'm happy to see you already knew them. Go make yourself a better person, mate.

[#00Buck]

3 minutes ago, FlynnCoyote said:

Well that was my bad with the wording there, thoughts were all over the place. The kids entitlement thing and proving people wrong are two different issues. I'm not wasting any time trying to prove kids wrong. Like you said, they don't matter. They just piss me off. The people I'm trying to prove wrong are the people telling me the things I can't or shouldn't do.

Kind of like you. So sorry about the lack of clarity there. But I still don't really give a fuck what you think either.

 

I'm not telling you what you can or can't do. You can do whatever you want. So it isn't kind of like me. It isn't even remotely like me.  So you're wrong about that. 

You said you don't care what I think. Yet you apologized to me for the lack of clarity. Next time you want to tell someone you don't care about what they think don't apologize to them. It wrecks your whole argument. 

I'm interested to see if 24 hours from now you've changed you life or if it is just the same old story. 

3 minutes ago, Falaffel said:

As long as you acknowledge it and plan to do something about it, that's fine. You could a have said that in the first place instead of getting angry, as you seem to like doing. As it turns out, getting angry isn't doing you many favors, eh~?

Jabs aside, good luck in your endeavors. Contrary to what you may think, I have no ill feelings towards you. I have no interest in being "right". I just wanted to help. I apologize for not being capable of simply empathizing, but, frankly, it didn't seem helpful. I don't see the point in approving behavior that i simply don't, y'know?

I'm sorry I only seemed to say things you already knew, and I'm happy to see you already knew them. Go make yourself a better person, mate.

Getting angry just seems to cause total confusion. I still suggest that looking for the root cause of the anger is the best idea. It clearly makes things difficult and would help a great deal if it was resolved. Seeking professional help is always a good starting point. 

[FlynnCoyote]

1 minute ago, #00Buck said:

I'm not telling you what you can or can't do. You can do whatever you want. So it isn't kind of like me. It isn't even remotely like me.  So you're wrong about that. 

You're telling me what I should do, which to me equates to pretty much the same demon.

1 minute ago, #00Buck said:

You said you don't care what I think. Yet you apologized to me for the lack of clarity. Next time you want to tell someone you don't care about what they think don't apologize to them. It wrecks your whole argument. 

I don't care. But fair is fair.

1 minute ago, #00Buck said:

I'm interested to see if 24 hours from now you've changed you life or if it is just the same old story. 

I'm interested to see if you'll ever accept that some people just have different coping mechanisms than you and won't react positively to your textbook advice.

2 minutes ago, #00Buck said:

Getting angry just seems to cause total confusion. I still suggest that looking for the root cause of the anger is the best idea. It clearly makes things difficult and would help a great deal if it was resolved. Seeking professional help is always a good starting point. 

You're not paying attention. I know damn well what my issue is, and you are providing the exact opposite of help. Let me be clear. it is not within my immediate power to resolve. My desire to return to martial arts is for the immediate future and to resolve one aspect of the issue. Also as I said to get myself back in physical shape in the process.

Buck, I hate using the block function. Let me ask nicely. Please stop posting here, or to me in general on this topic. You're just pissing me off more.

[Falaffel]

I only want to advocate one more thing. I am going to believe you when you say you know you're problem. However, in the case that you find you do not, seeking professional help is not something to be ashamed of. I just want that to be clear. Thanks for listening to me one last time.

[FlynnCoyote]

2 minutes ago, Falaffel said:

I only want to advocate one more thing. I am going to believe you when you say you know you're problem. However, in the case that you find you do not, seeking professional help is not something to be ashamed of. I just want that to be clear. Thanks for listening to me one last time.

I already have a psychologist. That's not a problem.

[Falaffel]

2 minutes ago, FlynnCoyote said:

I already have a psychologist. That's not a problem.

Oh, well. Problem solved!

Many people find it a "bad thing" to seek help. I just have to make sure, is all. 

[AlastairSnowpaw]

On 5/21/2016 at 2:00 AM, #00Buck said:

I'm interested to see if 24 hours from now you've changed you life or if it is just the same old story. 

I don't think anyone can really change their life in 24 hours. changing your life is a much longer process than that.

Also to the original post in terms of creativity I highly recommend making some sort of blog for that stuff and have some people you know follow you. I did that for my art and it has greatly helped my productivity since it forces me to create stuff everyday or at least think about my art every day. Basically having it forces responsibility to post every day.

[#00Buck]

41 minutes ago, AlastairSnowpaw said:

I don't think anyone can really change their life in 24 hours. changing your life is a much longer process than that.

Also to the original post in terms of creativity I highly recommend making some sort of blog for that stuff and have some people you know follow you. I did that for my art and it has greatly helped my productivity since it forces me to create stuff everyday or at least think about my art every day. Basically having it forces responsibility to post every day.

No but you can make a step forward in making the change. Each journey is a series of steps. So can you take one step in 24 hours? Sure. It's easy. 

Blogging or journaling is a legit way to get some things out. It works well for some people.