Welcome to Purgatory Chapters 1 and 2

[Chaosmasterdelta]

I know that a link to my stuff is already on another thread, but I have been told to share and post my story everywhere I can. I have shared this in the discord chat and have been told that it needed to be all past tense so this is a version where I tried to change it to past tense in the first few paragraghs (I was going to do the whole thing but I got lazy). I have also been told that I could post this in either this forum or Tutorial & Critques. Since I wanted reactions/comments/speculation about the plot/characters/world along with feedback, I chose this one. I cant think of anything else to say about this, except that the context is in and/or is Chaos's background in his bio so I'm going to copy and paste that. Thank you for reading :3

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1SghWbqgXb8d-TRa0Tl9pKs4ET9Um1OEvzgtnRnc8cDk/edit?usp=sharing

 

Background

He was born as a human into a very bigoted and hateful world. At first he was like everyone else, blindly accepting and doing whatever he was told. But somehow he slowly begun to overcome the mind control and started thinking for himself. By the time he was 20 years old he was almost completely free from it and was having thoughts and opinions that were extremely different from everyone else's. He was also sick of never being free and over the years tried a few times to plan a way to escape. But none of them ended up happening. Then one day when he was at school he noticed what looked like some kind of time machine. By then he was so sick of all the discrimination and so desperate to escape that he did something without thinking of the implications. He used it to go so far back in time that nothing existed yet, not even time and space. There was only chaos. With only his mind surviving the nothingness, and through the power of chaos, he willed a whole new universe to form instead of what would have been created. One without a single atom of hatred, discrimination, or unfairness of any kind. But he soon found out that there were some things that was out of his control since he only added some guidelines to how the new universe should generally be. This universe wasn't perfect but it was unimaginably better than anything he could have hoped for with the old one.

Edited October 18, 2015 by Chaosmasterdelta
Updated the link so that it links to the finished version

[Conker]

Well, it's certainly self-insert fantasy with a side of wish-fulfillment. When do you fuck the one guy?

So, in all seriousness, here are three things to think about:

1) It's technically not a problem to write a story in first-person present. It's actually "IN" right now with YA fiction, so whomever said you NEEDED to change the perspective was incorrect. However, first-person present is very hard to write well, and it's why most YA fiction written in that manor sucks. If you want to keep at it, I suggest finding passages from Fight Club and going through them. It's one of the few novels written in that style that doesn't make me cringe to read. I imagine there are others out there too, and hell, even reading bad first-person present stories (50 Shades of Gray and Twilight come to mind) is a good way to learn what works and what doesn't.

2) The following passage:

 

After he sat me down, he sat down closer to me than I would have liked, but I didn’t say anything. “Do you think you’ll be able to walk or do I need to carry you everywhere? Not that I would mind” he joked. “I think I just need some p-practice” I replied. “So, how long are you planning to stay?” he asked. “..Forever?” I shyly responded.“So you’re moving here?”.When I nodded he got kind of excited. I was both uncomfortable by his interest in me and liking it at the same time.

Don't do that. Every new piece of conversation should have its own paragraph. It makes dialogue much easier to follow, and I guess is just one of those established writing conventions that everyone follows.

3) One thing you should focus on is visuals. LIke, the casual way you describe Crimson doesn't really fit with the situation, especially if Chaos is supposed to be a human. I get that this is a wish-fulfillment thing, but even you have to admit that seeing a drawing of an Anthro and SEEING an anthro are very different. So just calling him a, "a demon/guard dog hybrid thing" sort of does the setting a disservice. Really describe him. How tall is he, how does he move, when he smiles, how do the fangs affect his grin? How do his tail and ears move in conjecture with his mood? When you're working with furry characters, you have extra appendages to use for emotion. 

There's a lot you could add by just sprucing up the visuals. What kind of motorcycle does Crimson have, for example? Not only is that just fun information, but it says a lot about the character. Is he a badass? Then something like a Harley, perhaps. Fast and reckless? Crotch Rocket. You can show a lot about a world/place by describing what's in it. It's one of my biggest problems with The Hunger Games. So little is described that the world just doesn't feel real.

That being said, you can over describe. I tend to do this, but hey, that's what editing is for!

4) Read as much and as often as you can. If you really want to take writing up as a hobby, you need to love reading too. I read constantly for the joy of it, but I've also learned more about the art form by consuming it than anything else. And honestly, read and take notes if you have to. When I was first working with fight sequences, for example, I grabbed a fantasy book that I thought had very good ones and studied them. It helped a lot.

So yeah. That's about it. Practice makes perfect too, so if this is something you like, then keep at it.

Edited October 15, 2015 by Conker

[Chaosmasterdelta]

If/when I fuck him is a spoiler, so you'll just have to wait and see

So the main thing is more details and decriptions and better paraghraph making? It's going to take a while to add the details and stuff with me looking at the bios and looking up stuff about motorcyle things but I'll do it.

Also any sugestions/ comments on the plot? Not just feedback on plot writing but also what you think and like about it and what sort of events/scenes you would like to see. Personal stuff like that. Though from what you told me, the lack of details may make that hard to do. (btw I'm kinda making it up as I go along, exspecily spesific things)

Edited October 16, 2015 by Chaosmasterdelta
Keep thinking of things to add to the post...When will it end?!

[Umbra.Exe]

Well, it's certainly self-insert fantasy with a side of wish-fulfillment. When do you fuck the one guy?

So, in all seriousness, here are three things to think about:

1) It's technically not a problem to write a story in first-person present. It's actually "IN" right now with YA fiction, so whomever said you NEEDED to change the perspective was incorrect. However, first-person present is very hard to write well, and it's why most YA fiction written in that manor sucks. If you want to keep at it, I suggest finding passages from Fight Club and going through them. It's one of the few novels written in that style that doesn't make me cringe to read. I imagine there are others out there too, and hell, even reading bad first-person present stories (50 Shades of Gray and Twilight come to mind) is a good way to learn what works and what doesn't.

That was me, actually. I didn't say he "needed" to change it to past tense, specifically. I said he should keep the tense consistent. I will admit though that I'm not experienced at writing, myself. I suggested sticking with past tense, because first-person present rarely feels right to me (however, that's just my personal preference).

OP, another suggestion of mine would be to try and avoid "info dumping" on character descriptions. This is another one of those personal preference things, but having a paragraph of description for a character tends to interrupt the flow of a story, at least for me. I feel that it might be better to bring up details as they become relevant.

For example, Crimsonblood's intro:

I was about to settle for crawling when the door opened and someone came in.  He looked like a demon/guard dog hybrid thing. The first thing I noticed was that he had a robotic left leg. He was also fit and was very dark red, almost black, except for a spiky ring on his wrists, ankles, and neck. The rings were a lighter shade of red and he also had black hair which was medium length. He was wearing a tank top and shorts so I couldn’t see if he had any chest or upper leg markings. His eyes were red and he had pointed ears. He was also hot.

Instead of saying "The first thing I noticed was his robotic left leg," you could write something like:
"I heard a clanking sound as he walked into the room. It was then I noticed that his left leg was robotic."
(Or something to that effect... Like I said, I'm not much of a writer...)

As Conker already noted, more specific things could be noted about his appearance. For one thing, what is "fit" supposed to mean? Does he have large muscles, or is he toned and lean? There are many things that might fall under the description of "fit," I would think. Same could be said for "hot." What is it that makes him hot? "Medium length," when referring to hair, is also rather vague. You might instead note that his hair falls to his shoulders (or wherever the ends of it might be), which would be a more specific point of reference. (On an unrelated note, the part about not being able to see markings covered by clothing seems a bit irrelevant and could be taken out.)

(I may be starting to ramble here, apologies for the lengthy post...)

To try and further clarify what I meant by bringing up details as they come up in the story, let me give an example of when "info dumps" can interrupt the story and look out of place. A while back, I was asked to read over a friend's story. At one point, the main character sees a "damsel in distress" being chased by a group of bad guys. My friend went on to fully describe said damsel from the character's point of view, down to the brand of jeans she was wearing. While reading her lengthy description, all I could think was,
"Why is this guy wasting valuable time gawking at this poor lady, when he could be saving her already?"

I think that to avoid something like this, one might consider things such as the state of mind that the character is in, how much time they have to look at the other character, things that may be affecting their sight or other senses, and, of course, the situation at hand. Someone looking at another person from 100 yards away would probably have a harder time describing that person than someone 10 yards away would. If a character is groggy from having just woken up, they might not notice something like a minor scuff on another character's shoe, or a small hole in their shirt. Someone running away from a crazed serial murderer is probably not going to stop and appreciate the gorgeous color of the killer's baby-blue eyes. There's probably many other examples I could give, but I think my post has become long enough for now.

[Conker]

If/when I fuck him is a spoiler, so you'll just have to wait and see

So the main thing is more details and decriptions and better paraghraph making? It's going to take a while to add the details and stuff with me looking at the bios and looking up stuff about motorcyle things but I'll do it.

Also any sugestions/ comments on the plot? Not just feedback on plot writing but also what you think and like about it and what sort of events/scenes you would like to see. Personal stuff like that. Though from what you told me, the lack of details may make that hard to do. (btw I'm kinda making it up as I go along, exspecily spesific things)

Plotwise, it seems fairly straightforward as far as slice of life/romance go. I imagine there will be quite a bit of "getting used to" the new world and everything that comes with that. Logically, it needs to happen, but it has been done quite often before. I know saying, "be interesting" means absolutely nothing as far as advice, but you know, try and let this stand on its own. There needs to be a reason to read your story and not the thousands of others like it.

Don't worry about just writing as you go though. I tend to do that too, and it's way more fun than having a proper outline. Because at the end of the day, this should be about fun. So have fun with it!

 

That was me, actually. I didn't say he "needed" to change it to past tense, specifically. I said he should keep the tense consistent. I will admit though that I'm not experienced at writing, myself. I suggested sticking with past tense, because first-person present rarely feels right to me (however, that's just my personal preference).

Oh you certainly aren't wrong. I really don't care for first-person present, but the way the OP said it it sounded like he NEEDED to change rather than should. I agree that the perspective he's chosen is the right one. I guess that was all miscommunication then

And I agree with the advice you gave.

[Chaosmasterdelta]

Maybe the more something interests Chaos, the more details and descriptions it will have.For example, when describing Crimson, I could go into more detail when I get to a part that helps him be hot/attractive to Chaos. I should also give at least some kind of description about the places. Chaos doesnt know how to tell types of motorcyles apart so that could be used as a reason why it's just a generic motorcycle to him if Im not able to decide on what type based on how Crimson is.

As for plot, I'm not really planning on making this a romance. Instead, I'm going for whatever it's called when there is alot of focus on how the main character thinks and character development stuff like that. Though I dont know what do to about the story being unique and insteresting enough. I did make a thing where it has some of the stuff I'm planning about the plot, like how Chaos and Crimson's personalities are going to be a problem when dealing with each other.

When I posted this here I was kind of hoping to be asked lots of questions about everything about the story and what I plan for it, since answering those kinds of questions would help me create more interesting events, create more events period, fill in the plot holes, and so on. Though I guess I'll have to do these things with pretty much no help untill more people are reading it. It's then when things start to get fun.

[Conker]

When I posted this here I was kind of hoping to be asked lots of questions about everything about the story and what I plan for it, since answering those kinds of questions would help me create more interesting events, create more events period, fill in the plot holes, and so on. Though I guess I'll have to do these things with pretty much no help untill more people are reading it. It's then when things start to get fun.

Your story is yours, not mine, so no, I'm not really going to badger you for details or anything. If there are things you think we should know to better help you in critiquing, then post them.

There's nothing wrong with just writing and letting the story go where it wants to, if that's your worry. It's how I write almost everything I write. Edit out the bad parts later, and you're left with a nice narrative.

[Chaosmasterdelta]

I updated the link so that it goes to a better version. I think pretty much the only thing I have to do now is add details to the places. Also I'll replace that link with one with the finished one later.

Edited October 17, 2015 by Chaosmasterdelta

[Conker]

I updated the link so that it goes to a better version. I think pretty much the only thing I have to do now is add details to the places. Also I'll replace that link with one with the finished one later.

It's certainly better! Lines like this, "His movement and pose was casual and confident, adding to his bad boy appearance. " really add to what you're trying to do. Though to be fair, I misread that as "band boy" at first. Either way, it's a step in the right direction.

When it comes to splitting dialogue up, you don't need to have every thought as a new paragraph. I suppose you can, but since a lot of what I'm about to post logically follows itself, you don't need to. Anyways:

He looked slightly surprised and a little amused. “So, you finally decided to wake up, cutie” he said. When he opened his mouth I saw that he had fangs.

“You were passed out on the ground when I found you. I carried you here to my house and you have been sleeping for a few days. Don’t worry, I didn’t do anything to you” he winked when he said that last part.

“So, what’s your name, cutie?” He said after a slight pause.

Might turn into

He looked slightly surprised and a little amused. “So, you finally decided to wake up, cutie.” When he opened his mouth I saw that he had fangs. “You were passed out on the ground when I found you. I carried you here to my house, and you've been sleeping for a few days. Don’t worry, I didn’t do anything to you.” He winked as he said that last part.

“So, what’s your name, cutie?”

Something like that.

I will say, the bombshell of, "I came here from another universe" was bought pretty quickly. Is this normal for this area? If so, you should mention that right away.

[Chaosmasterdelta]

Finished it. Now I can finally go on to a new chapter. (Also Is it ok to post a link to something adult-ish as long as I put it in a hidden spoiler thing? I'm asking because a part of the next chapter may have some nudity)

[Conker]

Finished it. Now I can finally go on to a new chapter. (Also Is it ok to post a link to something adult-ish as long as I put it in a hidden spoiler thing? I'm asking because a part of the next chapter may have some nudity)

Just put a NSFW warning on it and I think you'll be fine.

[Chaosmasterdelta]

Plotwise, it seems fairly straightforward as far as slice of life/romance go. I imagine there will be quite a bit of "getting used to" the new world and everything that comes with that. Logically, it needs to happen, but it has been done quite often before. I know saying, "be interesting" means absolutely nothing as far as advice, but you know, try and let this stand on its own. There needs to be a reason to read your story and not the thousands of others like it.

I'm almost about halfway done with the next chapter, but I dont think what I have in mind for the rest of this story is going to be insteresting/unique enough. It's basicly just Chaos and Crimson getting to know each other and learning how to deal with each other. Do you have any advice/suggestions/tips? I was thinking about doing more stories that follow this one. At least one of them was going to involve Chaos going to the distant future/past, Touch more upon exactly how his powers work, how stuff is going to be for him as time goes on, and maybe some space/time adventures in general. I guess I could insert some of what was going to be in those other stories into this one and also have some scenes come earlier in the story if it would help. I was planning for this story to be relatively mundane/tame but maybe it should be a litle more epic and mature.

[Conker]

I'm almost about halfway done with the next chapter, but I dont think what I have in mind for the rest of this story is going to be insteresting/unique enough. It's basicly just Chaos and Crimson getting to know each other and learning how to deal with each other. Do you have any advice/suggestions/tips? I was thinking about doing more stories that follow this one. At least one of them was going to involve Chaos going to the distant future/past, Touch more upon exactly how his powers work, how stuff is going to be for him as time goes on, and maybe some space/time adventures in general. I guess I could insert some of what was going to be in those other stories into this one and also have some scenes come earlier in the story if it would help. I was planning for this story to be relatively mundane/tame but maybe it should be a litle more epic and mature.

The story should be however you want it to be. I honestly don't really read much of this genre type, romance and the like, so I can't offer much in the ways of advice to spice things up. I know the cliches, but that's really it.

I do think that throwing in some adventure and space time could really help spice some things up. Even if it ultimately follows a typical plot path, if you have some cool ideas for adventures, it'll all work itself out.

One of the pieces of advice I try to adhere to in writing is, "Make things go from bad to worse." Stories where everyone gets their way are boring. Stories without conflict are boring. You don't have to hit Game of Thrones level of terrible, but make sure your two protags struggle a bit. How they struggle is, of course, up to you.

[Chaosmasterdelta]

I do think that throwing in some adventure and space time could really help spice some things up. Even if it ultimately follows a typical plot path, if you have some cool ideas for adventures, it'll all work itself out.

It may take me a while but I might be able to come up with something, though I'm not sure that I'll be able to make it good. The adventure part probably wont start untill after chapter 3, so I can go ahead and finish up this chapter without having to worry about how to insert the adventure stuff. I was going to ask if I can message you ideas so you could tell me if it is good or not, but then I remenbered what you said about this being my story and not yours. I guess I'll just have to come up with something and hope it's good enough.

[Conker]

It may take me a while but I might be able to come up with something, though I'm not sure that I'll be able to make it good. The adventure part probably wont start untill after chapter 3, so I can go ahead and finish up this chapter without having to worry about how to insert the adventure stuff. I was going to ask if I can message you ideas so you could tell me if it is good or not, but then I remenbered what you said about this being my story and not yours. I guess I'll just have to come up with something and hope it's good enough.

I can give my opinion on your ideas if you really want me to, I guess, but yeah, I don't want you to give other people too much control over your own content. It's your story.

 

[Chaosmasterdelta]

Here is the 3rd chapter

I dont know how to make it say "NSFW" instead of "Reveal hidden contents" so I'm just going to say that what the link goes to is NSFW. I hope thats good enough.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1eFdRzIO6xHP9g8rJeYqWrtNP-iPMmwXMFOcnA2kVGXs/edit?usp=sharing

Edited November 4, 2015 by Chaosmasterdelta

[Conker]

Given the body morphing, I'm not sure if describing his dick was required information or just something we'd all be looking at to make sure was still there in his situation. If you keep it, I'd maybe introduce it in a slightly joking manor instead of just transition to it from "I have a tail and fur and a dick!"

So, what you have going here is a fairly standard garystu character, which we already established. You have two things you can do with that: Follow a stereotypical author-insert wishfullfillment narrative where everyone hooks up, things mostly always go right, and if fights do occur, the hero always wins.

I'd advise against that because it's boring.

So Chaos is living in a perfect world that he created and he has superpowers. You should think about transitioning that (quicker better than slower, IMO) into some kind of hell. It will appear wonderful on the surface, and his life will appear better, but it will in fact have gotten worse. Conflict drives stories. Plus, you'd actually be doing something really cool with this brand of character/plot.

The basis for most dystopian novels is that the dystopia really looks like a utopia from first glance. It isn't until we really dig in that we realize the world actually sucks and everyone's having a shit time.

Or rather, this is all food for thought. I don't want to come off as a backseat writer

 

[Chaosmasterdelta]

Given the body morphing, I'm not sure if describing his dick was required information or just something we'd all be looking at to make sure was still there in his situation. If you keep it, I'd maybe introduce it in a slightly joking manor instead of just transition to it from "I have a tail and fur and a dick!"

So, what you have going here is a fairly standard garystu character, which we already established. You have two things you can do with that: Follow a stereotypical author-insert wishfullfillment narrative where everyone hooks up, things mostly always go right, and if fights do occur, the hero always wins.

I'd advise against that because it's boring.

So Chaos is living in a perfect world that he created and he has superpowers. You should think about transitioning that (quicker better than slower, IMO) into some kind of hell. It will appear wonderful on the surface, and his life will appear better, but it will in fact have gotten worse. Conflict drives stories. Plus, you'd actually be doing something really cool with this brand of character/plot.

The basis for most dystopian novels is that the dystopia really looks like a utopia from first glance. It isn't until we really dig in that we realize the world actually sucks and everyone's having a shit time.

Or rather, this is all food for thought. I don't want to come off as a backseat writer

 

I thought you were going to say something about his body type not being described. I guess I thought how his dick looked was one of those fun little details you mentioned or something. I didnt mean to make it sound like he was checking to make sure that he still had one. It also shows that he is a perv like Crimson, just quieter about it. Though I could take it out if that fact has already been implied.

I know about the conflict thing and I'm still thinking of a specific kind, but it wasnt going to be based on the world itself actually being a crapsack world. Though I do have a couple of ideas for the confict or at least part of it:

1. There is some kind of otherwise unstoppable villian that only Chaos can defeet. He would have to kill them (which he could easily do), but refuses to do so since he is a pacifist and tries to find another way.

2. Chaos gets sent to the distant future where he finds is actually a bad future for anyone who he has interacted with for a extended period of time, especially Crimsonblood, because he is unsociable/unaffectionate/ unitentionaly cold or meen. This could lead to him going to the past to try to make everything better or something.

3. Something about Chaos's uniqueness is eventually going to make him the most famous person ever. I know it doesnt sound as interesting as the other two but its there.

The perspective could also switch to Crimsonblood every once in a while to show what is going inside of his head (It could be past events but from his point of view). What he thinks and how he acts or what he says could be very different things.

Also the good stuff will probably be early in the next chapter.

I dont mind the ideas. Though it would help alot if you werent the only one commenting on this.

Thats all I can think of to put here. Thank you for the input.

Edited November 2, 2015 by Chaosmasterdelta

[Conker]

I thought you were going to say something about his body type not being described. I guess I thought how his dick looked was one of those fun little details you mentioned or something. I didnt mean to make it sound like he was checking to make sure that he still had one. It also shows that he is a perv like Crimson, just quieter about it. Though I could take it out if that fact has already been implied.

I know about the conflict thing and I'm still thinking of a specific kind, but it wasnt going to be based on the world itself actually being a crapsack world. Though I do have a couple of ideas for the confict or at least part of it:

1. There is some kind of otherwise unstoppable villian that only Chaos can defeet. He would have to kill them (which he could easily do), but refuses to do so since he is a pacifist and tries to find another way.

2. Chaos gets sent to the distant future where he finds is actually a bad future for anyone who he has interacted with for a extended period of time, especially Crimsonblood, because he is unsociable/unaffectionate/ unitentionaly cold or meen. This could lead to him going to the past to try to make everything better or something.

3. Something about Chaos's uniqueness is eventually going to make him the most famous person ever. I know it doesnt sound as interesting as the other two but its there.

The perspective could also switch to Crimsonblood every once in a while to show what is going inside of his head (It could be past events but from his point of view). What he thinks and how he acts or what he says could be very different things.

Also the good stuff will probably be early in the next chapter.

I dont mind the ideas. Though it would help alot if you werent the only one commenting on this.

Thats all I can think of to put here. Thank you for the input.

@Top. I never got that from Crimson, that he's a bit of a perv. In that case, introduce it that way. Everything that he's wished into existence has worked thus far, including his superpowers. He might as well see if his tallywacker is any bigger too.

As to your conflict ideas:

I'd strongly avoid one because it's got cliche written all over it. The only reason you should do that one is if you really want to write yourself saving the world in that way. I'm not sure if other people would want to read you saving the world in that way though. When I was a kid, I used to daydream about fighting Frieza and Cell with Goku and Gohan and the like, and it was pretty awesome, but I also know that no one else would have thought so. No one else can relate to Super Sayian Conker beating Cell while everyone sits back and watches other than me, and hell, even that was too boring. Cell made sure to get in some good hits before going down!

If you are going to go in some route like that, where you're way more powerful than the villains, then look into how Superman works. Superman is OP as fuck, so the tension comes from how crazy his villains are--if he makes one mistake, the world is gone. His loved ones also get put in danger. You kill Superman not by killing him, but by killing his friends and family.

Option two is a bit more interesting, especially given that he's basically the God of this world. He fast forwards and realizes the world he's made isn't working well with him in it. That's kind of cool. You'll have to keep the angst in check, but I can see that working if you do it right. It also gives Chaos a more relatable character arc: He's trying to better himself. All the superpowers in the world can't save you from being an asshole if you're an asshole.

I'd avoid option three for similar reasons to the first option, unless you decide to like, deconstruct what it means to be a popofur or something. Which could be amusing, honestly.

Switching to Crimson's perspective sounds like a solid idea. I'd certainly like to know what makes him tick, especially given how altrustic he's been to Chaos, who he's basically just met. Most people aren't that nice.

[Chaosmasterdelta]

@Top. I never got that from Crimson, that he's a bit of a perv. In that case, introduce it that way. Everything that he's wished into existence has worked thus far, including his superpowers. He might as well see if his tallywacker is any bigger too.

As to your conflict ideas:

I'd strongly avoid one because it's got cliche written all over it. The only reason you should do that one is if you really want to write yourself saving the world in that way. I'm not sure if other people would want to read you saving the world in that way though. When I was a kid, I used to daydream about fighting Frieza and Cell with Goku and Gohan and the like, and it was pretty awesome, but I also know that no one else would have thought so. No one else can relate to Super Sayian Conker beating Cell while everyone sits back and watches other than me, and hell, even that was too boring. Cell made sure to get in some good hits before going down!

If you are going to go in some route like that, where you're way more powerful than the villains, then look into how Superman works. Superman is OP as fuck, so the tension comes from how crazy his villains are--if he makes one mistake, the world is gone. His loved ones also get put in danger. You kill Superman not by killing him, but by killing his friends and family.

Option two is a bit more interesting, especially given that he's basically the God of this world. He fast forwards and realizes the world he's made isn't working well with him in it. That's kind of cool. You'll have to keep the angst in check, but I can see that working if you do it right. It also gives Chaos a more relatable character arc: He's trying to better himself. All the superpowers in the world can't save you from being an asshole if you're an asshole.

I'd avoid option three for similar reasons to the first option, unless you decide to like, deconstruct what it means to be a popofur or something. Which could be amusing, honestly.

Switching to Crimson's perspective sounds like a solid idea. I'd certainly like to know what makes him tick, especially given how altrustic he's been to Chaos, who he's basically just met. Most people aren't that nice.

I thought it was obvious that Crimson was a perv, though there was only 2 things he said that sugested that he was. Maybe its just to subtile. As for Chaos, I could make that part more pervier. I may just skip over describing his dick if I end up not thinking of a good way to fit it in.

I'll go with option 2. Though I was going to have another character taking Chaos through time since he cant actually outright time travel, though I could think of a creative way for him to simulate time travel. If I cant think of something, then I might just add time travel to his powers for the purpose of the plot.

I'll also see if I can fit in Crimson's perspective somewhere without having to make the rest of the story come later. I was going to make his perspective of the events a whole other story but I'll see how I can put it in without it being in the way.

[Conker]

I thought it was obvious that Crimson was a perv, though there was only 2 things he said that sugested that he was. Maybe its just to subtile. As for Chaos, I could make that part more pervier. I may just skip over describing his dick if I end up not thinking of a good way to fit it in.

I'll go with option 2. Though I was going to have another character taking Chaos through time since he cant actually outright time travel, though I could think of a creative way for him to simulate time travel. If I cant think of something, then I might just add time travel to his powers for the purpose of the plot.

I'll also see if I can fit in Crimson's perspective somewhere without having to make the rest of the story come later. I was going to make his perspective of the events a whole other story but I'll see how I can put it in without it being in the way.

Chaos has enough powers, and right now, your book only has two real characters. If you're going with time travel, I'd introduce someone else. Hell, you could even go back to the one dude that was kind of a dick at the gym. He didn't seem all that stable anyhow, so giving him some big powers could add some nice tension.

[Chaosmasterdelta]

Chaos has enough powers, and right now, your book only has two real characters. If you're going with time travel, I'd introduce someone else. Hell, you could even go back to the one dude that was kind of a dick at the gym. He didn't seem all that stable anyhow, so giving him some big powers could add some nice tension.

I wasnt planning on doing anything with him but I'll see what I can do.

Also I updated the link. And by updated I mean took out the part about his dick.

[Conker]

I wasnt planning on doing anything with him but I'll see what I can do.

Also I updated the link. And by updated I mean took out the part about his dick.

Think of it this way. Dude at the gym who maybe still as a thing for Crimson (based on what I read) and is unstable has his own superpower. He forces Chaos forward through time to go "LOOK AT WHAT YOU DO TO HIM AND EVERYONE AROUND YOU" and now there's a big problem there AND ambiguity. We don't know if crazy gym guy is actually lying or not.

But now I feel like I'm backseat writing and I don't want to do that

[Chaosmasterdelta]

Think of it this way. Dude at the gym who maybe still as a thing for Crimson (based on what I read) and is unstable has his own superpower. He forces Chaos forward through time to go "LOOK AT WHAT YOU DO TO HIM AND EVERYONE AROUND YOU" and now there's a big problem there AND ambiguity. We don't know if crazy gym guy is actually lying or not.

But now I feel like I'm backseat writing and I don't want to do that

I'm sorry if I made you feel that way. If it helps, I'll stop talking about my ideas and everything will just be a suprise from now on.

[Conker]

I'm sorry if I made you feel that way. If it helps, I'll stop talking about my ideas and everything will just be a suprise from now on.

Bah, don't worry about me. Do what you want/need to do.

Right now, we're the only people keeping this subforum afloat

[Chaosmasterdelta]

Bah, don't worry about me. Do what you want/need to do.

Right now, we're the only people keeping this subforum afloat

Why is that?

[Conker]

Why is that?

I mean, we are the only two posting in it regularly

[Chaosmasterdelta]

I mean, we are the only two posting in it regularly

What I ment was why isnt anyone else posting reguraly on here?

[Conker]

What I ment was why isnt anyone else posting reguraly on here?

Who knows? The Writing board on old FAF was pretty barren for the most part, too. The fandom attracts more drawers/painters than writers, i guess.

[Chaosmasterdelta]

Btw should I describe Chaos again when I write the first 3 chapters in Crimson's perspective or what?

[Conker]

Btw should I describe Chaos again when I write the first 3 chapters in Crimson's perspective or what?

I would, yeah. He certainly looks at Chaos differently than Chaos looks at himself.

I wouldn't retread the first entire three chapters from Crimson's perspective, unless he goes off and does something really interesting/important though. Goal is to advance the plot, not go backwards.

That being said, I do wonder what his thought process was on the day he found Chaos all alone and passed out (so, prior to the story actually starting from a reader's perspective)

[Chaosmasterdelta]

I would, yeah. He certainly looks at Chaos differently than Chaos looks at himself.

I wouldn't retread the first entire three chapters from Crimson's perspective, unless he goes off and does something really interesting/important though. Goal is to advance the plot, not go backwards.

That being said, I do wonder what his thought process was on the day he found Chaos all alone and passed out (so, prior to the story actually starting from a reader's perspective)

 

So start the next chapter in Crimson's perspective and have him give a summery or something about him finding Chaos. Is that what your saying?

Edited November 9, 2015 by Chaosmasterdelta

[Conker]

 

So start the next chapter in Crimson's perspective and have him give a summery or something about him finding Chaos. Is that what your saying?

It's one option. IT really depends on what you want this section to do. You could theoretically use it later when the two are fighting and reframe it as something Crimson regrets, for example.

Or, since Chaos is sleeping on the couch next to Crimson, Crimson could be thinking about the first day and how things have changed from then until now. It's not a fight but a happy piece of reflection you use to establish his internal monologue and some other information about him that we as readers don't know.

So yeah. Up to you there.

[Chaosmasterdelta]

I would, yeah. He certainly looks at Chaos differently than Chaos looks at himself.

What do you mean by that?

 

 It's one option. IT really depends on what you want this section to do. You could theoretically use it later when the two are fighting and reframe it as something Crimson regrets, for example.

So you think that the two are going to fight later? 

[Conker]

What do you mean by that?

 

So you think that the two are going to fight later? 

Chaos might not be fully depressed, but i get the impression that he doesn't really like himself. If nothing else, he seems insecure. Crimson, on the other hand, seems to be falling hard for Chaos. There's clearly a connection.

And yeah I do. It would be kind of a strange story if the two were happy together all of the time.

[Chaosmasterdelta]

Chaos might not be fully depressed, but i get the impression that he doesn't really like himself. If nothing else, he seems insecure. Crimson, on the other hand, seems to be falling hard for Chaos. There's clearly a connection.

And yeah I do. It would be kind of a strange story if the two were happy together all of the time.

Your impression of them is interesting. I'll keep that in mind.

There will be some unhappiness, don't worry.