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RANT: The Rope seems shorter and shorter


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Before anyone starts anything, yes, life is unfair and I completely understand that, I just am at the end of my rope. (Also many run-on sentences can be expected)

I hate that everything in my life seems to be in shambles. My 1 bedroom apartment has 2 adults and one toddler staying in it, but I'm the only adult paying the majority of the bills because the other is a friend who needed somewhere to go, and I have no money saved because I can't make enough at my job to save more than $5 a week. I keep trying and trying to go for commissions, but because I'm a sfw artist people don't seem to care about it. I have tried IG for a year and the two commissions I did make for someone I sold them for the price of one. I've been on FA and DA. Not to toot my own horn, but besides lack of backgrounds I know I have a decent grasp on anatomy and whatnot. I'm trying to get better at other species when it comes to anthro and feral, but I also kind of try to avoid same faced humans. I work and work and work and it's like getting nowhere.

My mother had an emergency double bypass surgery 5 weeks ago, and for a good while she was raising my almost 4 yo son (as in I had little to no influence in his being raised, which was my choice) and I've now become the full time parent I've always been afraid to be, because I am not a kid friendly person, but at least I know I am trying. Just these few weeks I've gotten used to what I need to do for his health, even though my health mentally is draining. That bothers me as well. I know I need to be around people who are going to build me up, tell me they are proud of me on a daily basis, and I might even need to go back to medication. If I do I have to worry about remembering to take it, because if I slip up just once and forget my dose I royally screw up my system and turn zombie. With my job I cannot afford that. I am the backup they call when someone doesn't show up, or calls out, or needs something extra done. Yet I'm "not mature enough" to be considered a lead or a manager. I know how to work more areas in the store than the managers do. I know how to do some of the manager things, because I just watch people. I have been given more tasks to take on because they trust me, and I'm not the only one, but I could seriously screw them over by just walking out the door because when all the managers leave I basically get to be the manager. I put up with a lot in my job, and I finally had a talk with my GM about needing a raise, because currently I am making less than the newest people he hired, but I def do way more. 

Gosh I know that seems like I'm arrogant above, and I'm sorry, I'm just so fed up that at every turn I am sliding further down the rope and I can't seem to climb up.

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Just hold on tight. And find a counterweight. And good luck.

One show of trust is worth 100 "I'm prouds." You can make it, just keep your chin up, and don't be afraid to ask for help. 

Thank you both, I am trying, and I think I'm going to try medication again. Not that I've ever done self harm, but the thoughts of just wanting to be dead have been increasing a lot lately, and I know I have a lot to live for. My commissions are SLOWLY but surely picking up, and that puts me one step closer to my goal of providing for myself via art only. I'm actually really proud of myself for stepping up to be the mom I felt I wasn't meant to be. I really can't give up. I have a lot of people who count on me.

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I really can't give up. I have a lot of people who count on me.

I find it's a lot easier to give yourself motivation when you have other people's well-being behind you. Lots of people can't really be strong for their own sake, but they can for somebody else. Gives you a little push, too. Keep your mind and your options open for the future. Always have something to look forward to, even if it's vague. Sometimes you can find new paths if you stumble around through the mist a little bit. Work hard at your job and keep yourself valuable. That'll give you even more support and confidence from the people who recognize it.

Keep it up, Zerda.:)

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