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Just fear and sense of loss


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I was going to write in the things we hate to avoid making it's own topic, but one thing oldFAF was known for was the occassional deeper, more thought out post here and there, and it's not like I've done one in awhile, so I guess I'll risk it here. If it's in any way out of bounds just lock it I guess

Okay, so something I've come to the realization of, I dont fear much of anything. Spiders, snakes, heights, all the typical phobias. I dont have any deepset fears much...but there's one thing that might actually bother me enough to think about.

I don't fear death, but years ago I had a dream where I was hit by a gunshot, and I could feel the life slipping out of me and my vision going fuzzy, as if my very soul was slipping from me, and it was gradual. It was a strange and disconcerting dream, the feeling was fairly vivid, too. If I'm in a darker train of thought I often picture myself as if I were in this situation, fighting to stay awake and to keep conscious


It reminds me of the death of a friend, the way they go and how their last moments must of been

In fact, if it wasnt for a person that I cared about, this fear might actually take over me, but I've been taught, so to speak, how not to "go gentle into that good night". I've been taught a lot of skills of awareness, breathing slowly and maintaining control of your body, how to ignore pain and feelings that cant affect you if you dont let it, how to maintain your consciousness and always ask yourself where you are, what's going on, and things like that. Things to help fight through the inevitable situation that may come to pass if it ever did.

There's a lot of people who have affected my life in little ways



One of them is Red. It feels taboo to bring her up without prompt because it probably hurts to talk about, especially for others more than I, if this is somehow too much I spoilered it just in case.

Red wasnt my friend as much as anyone elses, but she was part of the same community and groups I was in, and I had fun with her around. In fact, one day when I wasnt feeling well I bemoaned my lack of friendships, and she was the one who nonchalantly offered her friendship to me. It seems silly, because despite everything I wasnt as close to her as anyone else, yet her offer was very sincere, she listened to me and offered her friendship, so even if I'm not part of her inner circle...she was my friend nonetheless.

I know it's odd to think of her after all this time, it feels like with time the loss grows colder and the sense of loss more real rather than the initial sting. I dont feel very emotionally, but when I think of her, especially now, the way I feel the pain of loss is a deepset feeling of emotional numbness, like a hole that will always be there. I still feel it now because when I think of my life and others, she was the root of how our lives had changed.

In a way, her loss has affected my life indirectly in a good way, a domino effect to how things are now, and what led me to what I am today. She affected a lot of people from different parts of the map, and I see the changes in all my friends even today. For me, it gave me a branch of trust I could hold on to, because I knew I could trust the friends who trusted her, there was a lot of bonding during the time of mourning where we reached out to one another, and that's how I came to where I am today. In fact, her own life was what caused each of us to change our own, to become better and genuine about ourselves, and that included me when I gradually became myself.

Around 2015, I was extremely saddened, confused, and angry about life, death, and the afterlife, itself. Heaven? Hell? Nothing? I still hold true to those beliefs equally so, but I often wonder, if what I was told was true, where is she now? Is Tess, the most pure of heart, genuine, good natured spirit there is really in hell, just because of who she is outside of that? Is she really suffering out there? Nobody has genuine proof one way or another, but I still think about the best of people I know and where they could be despite everything. That makes me upset to think about. In 2015, I had a lot of friends who latched on and helped me through the initial anger and despair of that thought, and it eventually faded and ebbed on, I had to delete an incredibly sinister sounded journal on the topic of where she belonged.

I still miss her as much as anyone, but she really did help a lot of people, whether here or not. I miss her presence and her words and her kindness, but no matter what she still always has a positive effect whenever I think about her 



Anyways, no I'm not depressed or anything, just a really dark rant I guess. Right now I am relatively stable and trying to reach certain goals, so I'm just fine in the end. I apologize I dont speak to a lot of people I would consider friends still, but you are important to me nonetheless. Thanks for being you!

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I've been through tough and dark times as well, where it seemed as though a part of my soul was no longer with me, gone forever. Sometimes, it was because of loss, or even just depression. However, I like to think that, when we are at our lowest points in life, we are open to the greatest change. 

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I think we all have our moments where we get lost in a sense of despair. I don't know a person who's lived and hasn't had some kind of harrowing experiences or lost someone who mattered to them. Really all we can do is carry on and try to be good to the people who are still here for us. It won't always keep us from being sad or fearful, it can't make our roads though life smooth and clear but sometimes it's just enough to make things a little easier along the way. 

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