"Surprise! I thought you were a bit of a sociopath as a kid."

[Guest]

No, I'm not going to let that sit out there. 

I'm just going to say I talked to my mom this evening, and she dropped this bomb on me after I felt like I wasn't mourning tess properly. The idea that I may or not be only scares me because if its obvious I'm not all there to my friends and family, the careful structure I've built around me will come crumbling down. I'm not ready to relinquish that control, because that is all I have. 

I have had an incredibly fucked up past, and it makes me wonder now if some mental illnesses are raised and not born. Or, now the idea is in my head that I was just born this way, and destined to feel as though I need to adopt personalities to get what I want. I love and hate and nurture and care, but it still feels like a coat of wallpaper over a concrete wall. 

My therapist isn't going to be helpful. She still talks to me like a wounded animal in a quiet, "Soothing" voice that infuriates me. I'm not a tiny, helpless child anymore. I'm a woman who is in a LOT of control and can't afford it to come toppling down because someone gets a whiff that I have to carefully observe other people to make sure I'm doing this shit right. 

At my default I am full of rage, incredibly bitter and very cynical. Machiavellian, even. I need to pad that with things like charisma, intelligence, wittiness and empathy that I don't feel like it comes from within, but instead done as a function because people expect me to. 

There, a less soul baring rant. 

Edited October 4, 2015 by Lemon
No

[Azure]

and i though i was the only one...

Edited October 4, 2015 by Azure

[Zaraphayx]

I would take a diagnosis of sociopathy from your mom with several helpings of salt unless she's actually a psychologist with a PHD and not just some normie being hyperbolic because you aren't all cuddles and hugs.

I could start my own thread with the amount of words I could write in a rant about laypeople and armchair psychoanalysis but yeah.

 

 

[Wolflich]

Do sociopaths worry about being sociopaths?

[Guest]

Do sociopaths worry about being sociopaths?

In my original rant (which was much longer and soul baring, but ultimately innapropes for the forum), I said "I hate feeling this way. I know that by virtue of caring I may be a sociopath, that I'm not one- but I'm also not exactly honest with every intention I have. A lot of my personality is a bit of a farce. Not because I'm dishonest- its literally so that people aren't creeped out by my otherwise normal dead stare. Its so that I can achieve my goals. People don't elect someone their leader if they're scary and logical. They elect leaders because they're charismatic, intelligent, and funny. I'm worried that I am a sociopath or have these tendencies because it brings attention to a flaw I have no control over. That shit infuriates me."

[Wolflich]

I'm pretty sure the vast majority of people exist somewhere between totally deceptive and totally honest. Like if someone was incapable of bullshitting to get through social interaction that would be a problem in itself.

[Zaraphayx]

I don't mean to make light of your rant but this is very reminiscent of when autism awareness peaked and every socially awkward nerd with an internet connection and an attitude problem self-diagnosed as autistic.

I think an almost intrinsic part of being a reflective person is entertaining the idea that you might not be perfect, and may in fact be deeply flawed. Believe it or not a lot of people don't entertain these ideas purely because they live without much capacity or desire for self-examination.

I'm pretty sure the vast majority of people exist somewhere between totally deceptive and totally honest. Like if someone was incapable of bullshitting to get through social interaction that would be a problem in itself.

Also this was a good post.

[Guest]

Haha, zara, now that you mention it, it totally does sound like a nerd with an internet connection self diagnosing. If I was really a sociopath, well a) I wouldn't really care. But b) I guess this is the most important part- I guess I wish I knew why I wasn't all there. I know you can't tell much from internet posts between strangers, but there has always been something wrong with me past the usual amount allowed for 'social awkwardness'- because I'm not socially awkward. I'm very popular on campus and can't go anywhere without an enthusiastic wave. I have all of these warm bodies that swarm around me and I feel very cold and unlike them in the middle. I get scared when someone starts to cry because I can't control the situation. I get angry when someone cries longer than for whatever time I've 'allotted' for them in my head.

They aren't normal and I wish someone would just talk to me straight. My therapist is super new and is still getting to know me, so she'll be kind of hard to talk to for a while. There's also not-normal-and-definitely-bad-things I've done, and that includes fire setting and animals as a kid. So I mean, as much as you think its probably nothing, and as much as I think its probably nothing, I'm self aware enough to know some shit is super not right and I'm not getting a straight answer from anyone.

Realtalk: I found a glimmer of hope in being sociopathic. It'd mean I wouldn't have to question why I am this way anymore. And realistically, it isn't the case, so I'm reeling from the fleeting moment of "Oh my god, I have an answer"

 

[Zaraphayx]

The trick is to ascend to higher levels of cognitive empathy where you can effectively read minds well enough to know that most people are just as fucked up as you but sometimes in different ways.

It's also nifty if you ever aspire to being a guru of your own thought-cult.

[Lucyfish]

I know we've only known each other for a short period of time but you don't come off as a sociopath to me. I haven't seen you go out of your way to intentionally try to make someone else feel miserable. You have a hard time dealing with these emotions, we all do, but I don't see you going around taking it out on other people or trying to manipulate others for your own will.

So yeah, I don't think you're a sociopath. You don't seem to act extremely anti-social, in fact you've been very caring and helpful to me in particular. Maybe it's a biased view, but yeah, that's what I think about you.

[Ayattar]

I'm pretty sure the vast majority of people exist somewhere between totally deceptive and totally honest. Like if someone was incapable of bullshitting to get through social interaction that would be a problem in itself.

As a person who, at least in personal relations, almost always tells the whole truth, I can tell you, that it's perfectly possible to enjoy your life this way. People who you're not compatible with, who aren't resistant to critique, who can't stand it, simply start avoiding you. Sure, it reduces the amount of friends and acquaintances you have, but also ultimately increases the quality of social interactions you have. Love or hate, no in-betweens. It's visible even on this forum.

I'm very popular on campus and can't go anywhere without an enthusiastic wave. I have all of these warm bodies that swarm around me and I feel very cold and unlike them in the middle.

But... Isn't that normal? In the end... You aren't them.

[#00Buck]

Start a fortune 500 company and get rich. 

[Fantasma]

The problem I find with basing who you are off of how you feel... Is it really doesn't reflect you.

We aren't always going to feel kind if we are kind, and we *will* feel like being selfish at times even if we are selfless. What makes us who we are is how we decide to act on what we feel, nothing more.

Some of us it is easier for and some of us it is harder for, but in the end the only seperation between the two is how we handle it.