Alexxx-Returns Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 So today I got contacted by someone I used to go to school with and haven't spoken to in, oh... almost 4 years? And I really didn't know how to respond to her reaching out to me. The long and short of it was that she said she hadn't been as good a friend as she'd liked to have been and would like to be able to start over and keep in touch. Personally I thought she was more or less okay, though incredibly strange (and apparently very light-fingered, although I don't think she ever stole anything from me). And she was a big time bitch, but all of my friends from school were, but that's what the main thing is. We were all part of a group of 6 or so people who stayed close after school and hung out and all that, but they were all big time bitches. If any one of the girls was missing from that meet-up, the day would just be a big bitch-fest about how terrible they were as a human being, etc etc. And knowing this, I knew I would be no exception. So the day I cut ties with this group was when it all came out. Basically in a drunken fight one of them said "everyone hated you because you're so weird!", when not hours before she'd literally said "you're so weird Alex, we love you". So yeah, once I got confirmation that I was being lied to, I cut ties with them all. I decided I didn't want to be friends with people who would treat me like that because I deserved better. Everyone deserves better than friends who don't actually like them at all. But since then I'd gotten really lonely because they were a big part of my social life and that all went downhill after this. So in a way, I did regret my decision, and maybe it was easy for me to say "I deserve better friends than this" at the time, when I didn't really know how it felt to be lonely. But now it's been far too long to go back on my decision and I sort of still stand by it. So this brings me to this particular member of the group. Probably the most heavily disliked of all the people in this group, this is in no way a reconciliation with the group as a whole or a way back in with them. Even if it was, I would be equally as wary and equally as unsure on what to do next. Because it's still the exact same problems. I think that this person is wanting to make amends because she thinks I can be useful to her in some way. Maybe she's lost all her other friends and came back to the one person desperate enough to be friends no matter what. I dunno. All I know is, none of them ever did anything except to further their own goals somehow (to that end, I don't honestly know why they hung out with me in the first place instead of kicking me out of the group). But yeah, that's my story. I'd really love some advice on how to approach this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pheonixbat Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 Most of the time when I talk to old friends I cut ties with years ago, after talking for a bit I remember why I cut ties with them. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vallium Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 (edited) perhaps she has changed? Who knows? Maybe state how you feel you want the friendship to go and leave at the first sign of bitchiness. It does sound like you did the right thing to begin with, though. Being lonely is hard and tbh if its me I just end up accepting the fact that people around me have some negative traits I dislike, and learn to accept those. I dont think its ever come to an abusive or extreme point where I felt I need to cut ties, or if I would cut ties...I dont know. Its tough, man. But you have to think about you, in the end. Whether its better for you emotionally to lone it, or to deal with and come to terms with the faults of others. Edited December 14, 2015 by WolfNightV4X1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naesaki Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 Honestly this exact scenario happened with my "friends" in college, they all put up this fake front and then turned out they couldn't really stand me being a introverted gamer and not an outgoing guy who loves to party and get drunk. I only found out by accident, I walked off to go the bathroom as I'm coming back there's a proper corner wall so I can't see them until I walk around it but as soon as I got near I heard the 4 of them bitching about me. "My god he's such a weirdo and so boring, we love games and likes to go out as well, why has he got to be such a nerd?" Honestly the fact they spoke about me like that the moment I'm gone for less than 5 minutes. It was end of the day at this point and the final week of us being together in college, I technically didn't need to come in at that point as I had finished everything required and just went in for something to do, so I just didn't turn up for the last week as it was just a week of not doing much of anything and seeing friend, and well after that didn't want to be friends with them, and honestly they didn't try to reach out to me after, one did last year but I wasn't interested.. I mean yeah life ended up being lonely but the trust with them was gone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vallium Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 2 minutes ago, Naesaki said: Honestly this exact scenario happened with my "friends" in college, they all put up this fake front and then turned out they couldn't really stand me being a introverted gamer and not an outgoing guy who loves to party and get drunk. I only found out by accident, I walked off to go the bathroom as I'm coming back there's a proper corner wall so I can't see them until I walk around it but as soon as I got near I heard the 4 of them bitching about me. "My god he's such a weirdo and so boring, we love games and likes to go out as well, why has he got to be such a nerd?" Honestly the fact they spoke about me like that the moment I'm gone for less than 5 minutes. It was end of the day at this point and the final week of us being together in college, I technically didn't need to come in at that point as I had finished everything required and just went in for something to do, so I just didn't turn up for the last week as it was just a week of not doing much of anything and seeing friend, and well after that didn't want to be friends with them, and honestly they didn't try to reach out to me after, one did last year but I wasn't interested.. I mean yeah life ended up being lonely but the trust with them was gone. oh wow...thats rough.Im surprised people still use nerd as an insult. Pretty much everyone I know has some interest in something or another that could be classified as "nerdy". Its not even unusual or extreme anymore. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zeke Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 I periodically had the same thing happen about a year ago with people I wouldn't call friends, but it was obvious that they were more or less popularity fiends (being flurries wanting to be Seen and heard at the same time). They were terrible people who do terrible things to others for self-gratification. Calling them out on their shit was like lifting a sea carrier because it would end in the typical IRL harassment. Because of this, I cut ties with them, and incidentally, cut ties with others because of work duties, stress, and I hit a big depression period to the point that I was considering just ending it all. I still communicate with some of them now and then...the good folks. I just haven't had much time to spend with people because of it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naesaki Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 5 minutes ago, WolfNightV4X1 said: oh wow...thats rough.Im surprised people still use nerd as an insult. Pretty much everyone I know has some interest in something or another that could be classified as "nerdy". Its not even unusual or extreme anymore. The nerd part didn't bother me, I am a nerd and proud of it but just their whole attitude was just like why put up the façade. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MuttButt Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 How you play it pretty much depends on how you feel about letting her back into your life alex. You don't owe her a second chance or anything like that. Feeling sorry for somebody doesn't make it any easier to hang out with them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kinare Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 (edited) I'm a firm believer in second chances. Truthfully though, a lot of the time I find myself regretting it. Why then do I keep giving people second chances? Because the few times I don't regret it have been the best decisions of my life. Maybe she did change. Maybe she didn't. Only way to know for sure is giving her a second chance. You could regret it big time, but you could also find a best friend. Don't drop your guard of course, be smart about it. You have to have a small level of trust at the very least though, or it won't be a fair chance. Edit: You could also scope her out some more and see if she's matured enough to feel like she deserves the second chance she's asking for. If all she wants to do is bitch about the past and not focus on how cool it would be to hang out with you again, proooobably not much has changed for the better. Edited December 14, 2015 by Kinare 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zeke Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 1 minute ago, Kinare said: I'm a firm believer in second chances. Truthfully though, a lot of the time I find myself regretting it. Why then do I keep giving people second chances? Because the few times I don't regret it have been the best decisions of my life. Maybe she did change. Maybe she didn't. Only way to know for sure is giving her a second chance. You could regret it big time, but you could also find a best friend. Don't drop your guard of course, be smart about it. You have to have a small level of trust at the very least though, or it won't be a fair chance. Edit: You could also scope her out some more and see if she's matured enough to feel like she deserves the second chance she's asking for. If all she wants to do is bitch about the past and not focus on how cool it would be to hang out with you again, proooobably not much has changed for the better. This.^ Invite her for coffee or something and hold idle banter with each other. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DrDingo Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 I used to hang around with this one group of friends every day which, on the whole, were okay. But there were a few nasty annoying cocky twats in the group that I hated listening to on a daily basis. So what I did was this- I found some other people to hang around with and slipped away to them. The people in the original group who gave a shit about me would still say hi and invite me to events and stuff, which was nice because it came with the added bonus of not needing to talk to the bellends of the group. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 (edited) I used to have IRL friends, then I went into high school and cut ties with them. My ex friends were boring anyway, no loss there. The first years changed me drastically for the worst. I closed myself up and have lost the ability to make friends, choosing I just wanted to be alone and not wanting to see anyone. Now I have difficulties reversing that process. This forum is helping me on that aspect. Clicking that FAF button back when FA still had it was the happiest choice I made in a long time. I feel I'm getting better at the social thing and I owe it to y'all Fuck 2011-2012. Edited December 14, 2015 by Guest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucyfish Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 Believe it or not I've been talking with Wolf-Bone again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginpanther Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 Some things can change. I'm on tolerable terms with one person I was formerly in a romantic relationship with. That ended in fireworks and lots of drama, but enough time has passed and enough maturity has been gained on both our parts that we can be civil towards one another when we're in a social situation. It's not my idea of a good time (I don't know how the other party feels about it) but I do it so that our mutual friend can host parties and not be faced with awkward "If I invite her, he won't come, if I invite him, she won't come" sort of dilemmas. On a more positive note, a few years ago I was able to get back on good terms with somebody who had long been out of touch. This was also somebody I had been romantically involved with. That relationship ended probably just as badly, if not worse in some ways, than the one I have already mentioned above. I didn't expect that I'd ever be talking to them again online, in person, etc. But we are. Heck, we just had lunch together last week. I spend a lot of time chatting with them online and they've been something of a board for me to vent at or seek comfort from when I'm feeling stressed or frustrated or sad. I really like that we've managed to patch things up, but it took time and redevelopment on trust on both our parts. And again, also we both matured and grew past some of our dividing points as time passed. There are other relationships that were severed and I don't expect that they'll ever be put back together, mostly because I feel that there was a substantial betrayal of trust and that I was essentially an emotional punching bag for the other party. Why risk that again? But one never knows, as the two incidental cases above show. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 57 minutes ago, Lucyfish said: Believe it or not I've been talking with Wolf-Bone again. LOL ur funni. Why would anyone ever want to talk to him Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucyfish Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 4 minutes ago, Amiir said: LOL ur funni. Why would anyone ever want to talk to him Because I try not to push people away because of past drama. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 Just now, Lucyfish said: Because I try not to push people away because of past drama. That's an admirable (and in my case enviable) trait Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucyfish Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 1 minute ago, Amiir said: That's an admirable (and in my case enviable) trait I've been way way WAY too exhausted to hold major grudges. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 (edited) Nevermind. Edited December 14, 2015 by Guest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucyfish Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 Just now, Amiir said: Say what you will, but letting go of grudges means letting people get away with what they did to you. I'm waiting for the mandatory angsty adolescent shaming comment. Not that I give a fuck about what some random people on the internet think of me What they did to me doesn't even matter if I leave it in the past. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zytan Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 (edited) I find school friends were desirable simply for someone to hang around with. After school you more often than not come to realise they were incredibly flawed individuals who you simply tolerated to fit in. After school you don't have the stigma from others for keeping your own company and can instead be more selective with thoughtful people rather than just making do. I wouldn't shun this old friend, but I'd definitely keep a close watch on them for old traits creeping in, if their idea of hiding the past behaviour fails that drastically you know they need to stay gone. Edited December 14, 2015 by Zytan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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