Nerd Essay Megathread

[Zaraphayx]

My name is Sarah, and I am a nerd. I don't know when it happened, but sometime between my boobs growing lopsided, my skin running rampant with acne, and my hair going limp one day and never recovering, I decided that the scent of new books turned me on more than guys' cologne. And I guess one day, mathematical equations and calculators just started to be appealing. So here I am, a nerd.

Being a nerd's not all bad. You don't have to worry about which party to go to on Friday night 'cause you're not going to any of them. It doesn't take long to get ready in the morning 'cause there's nobody to impress. And, your future is basically laid out – college, cubical job where you prod at computer chips, and maybe a nerd husband if you're really lucky. Oh, and one more thing – you don't have to worry about pesky high school drama 'cause you don't have anyone to experience it with.

Okay, so maybe that doesn't sound great, but it's my life and it's what I know. The truth is, it won't change. I mean, think about it: if I weren't the nerd, who would be? The cheerleader? Please. The jock? Not likely. The emos? Ha. So, this life has already been chosen for me; it's predetermined and there's no exit sign. But I have always wondered what it would be like if fate had offered an alternative.

High school for me is like being in a glass bowl, actually a foggy glass bowl. The only things I see clearly are chalkboards and teachers. Everything else is hazy. I can make out the shapes of other students as they trudge through the halls, but I can never quite make sense of them. There is the blonde sucking her boyfriend's face. Everyone knows what she did last weekend. I want that. Not the boyfriend, the attention, or the hair – I want her confidence.

Then there's the Asian girl. Although she's bright, she's not a nerd. Being intelligent makes her well known and well liked. People know her parents would disown her if she got an A minus. She's well put together, hair tight and laces bowed neatly. The teachers adore her and no matter how much I study, I'll never know as much as she does. She's pretty much a shoe-in for any Ivy League school, and her parents are depending on that full-ride scholarship. I want that too. No, not the full ride or the smarts, but her poise. Her ability to be smart but look good doing it.

The emo artsy girl inspires me. She dresses in tutus and spiked necklaces. Nobody knows her real name, but they definitely know her. She doodles anime characters and song lyrics on her notebooks. Her back pack displays key chains and tattered ribbons. She's always with that boy and two other artsy emos. I want that. Not the key chains or the emo clan, but her creativity and dedication to her passion.

Then there's my favorite: the Converse girl. Her androgynous wardrobe gives her appeal to both sexes. The guys accept her as one of their own, and the girls fuss over how her shiny hair can look so good in a baseball cap. She drinks coffee out of a silver mug and has posters of Batman in her locker. She's a child at heart and a true chameleon, the poster child of laid back. I want that. Not the Converse, but her attitude. She doesn't care what tomorrow holds, because today's a good day anyway.

The only thing is, I'm not the confident blonde, the poised Asian girl, the creative emo, or the laidback Converse girl. I'm the nerd. I wear ill-fitting jeans and stained T-shirts. I eat lunch in the cafeteria, and I study for fun. But you know what? I'm okay with that. Because being a nerd means being myself. And that's what I want – to simply be me.

[Zerig]

fuck off nerd

[Zaraphayx]

1 minute ago, Zerig said:

fuck off nerd

You swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of filth. As we
say in Texas, you couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions
printed on the heel. You are a canker, an open wound. I would rather
kiss a lawyer than be seen with you. You took your last vacation in
the Islets of Langerhans.

You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little
worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a
cad, and a weasel. I take that back; you are a festering pustule on a
weasel's rump. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench,
a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.

I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same
species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at
the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut.
Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are
a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. You are a technicolor yawn.
And did I mention that you smell?

You are a squeaking rat, a mistake of nature and a heavy-metal bagpipe
player. You were not born. You were hatched into an unwilling world
that rejects the likes of you. You didn't crawl out of a normal egg,
either, but rather a mutant maggot egg rejected by an evil scientist
as being below his low standards. Your alleged parents abandoned you
at birth and then died of shame in recognition of what they had done
to an unsuspecting world. They were a bit late.

Try to edit your responses of unnecessary material before attempting
to impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a
nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be able
to access it ever so much more rapidly. If cluelessness were crude
oil, your scalp would be crawling with caribou.

You are a thick-headed trog. I have seen skeet with more sense than
you have. You are a few bricks short of a full load, a few cards short
of a full deck, a few bytes short of a full core dump, and a few
chromosomes short of a full human. Worse than that, you top-post. God
created houseflies, cockroaches, maggots, mosquitos, fleas, ticks,
slugs, leeches, and intestinal parasites, then he lowered his
standards and made you. I take it back; God didn't make you. You are
Satan's spawn. You are Evil beyond comprehension, half-living in the
slough of despair. You are the entropy which will claim us all. You
are a green-nostriled, crossed eyed, hairy-livered inbred
trout-defiler. You make Ebola look good.

You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid,
nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an
ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with
you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in
a land that reality forgot. You are not ANSI compliant and your markup
doesn't validate. You have a couple of address lines shorted together.
You should be promoted to Engineering Manager.

Do you really expect your delusional and incoherent ramblings to be
read? Everyone plonked you long ago. Do you fantasize that your
tantrums and conniption fits could possibly be worth the $0.000000001
worth of electricity used to send them? Your life is one big
W.O.M.B.A.T. and your future doesn't look promising either. We need to
trace your bloodline and terminate all siblings and cousins in order
to cleanse humanity of your polluted genes. The good news is that no
normal human would ever mate with you, so we won't have to go into the
sewers in search of your git.

You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and
obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living
emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a
loathsome disease, a drooling inbred cross-eyed toesucker. You make
Quakers shout and strike Pentecostals silent. You have a version 1.0
mind in a version 6.12 world. Your mother had to tie a pork chop
around your neck just to get your dog to play with you. You think
that HTTP://WWW.GUYMACON.COM/FUN/INSULT/INDEX.HTM is the name of a
rock band. You believe that P.D.Q. Bach is the greatest composer who
ever lived. You prefer L. Ron Hubbard to Larry Niven and Jerry
Pournelle. Hee-Haw is too deep for you. You would watch test patterns
all day if the other inmates would let you.

On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are
deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of
wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted.
Spammers look down on you. Phone sex operators hang up on you.
Telemarketers refuse to be seen in public with you. You are the source
of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go.
May you choke on your own foolish opinions. You are a Pusillanimous
galactophage and you wear your sister's training bra. Don't bother
opening the door when you leave - you should be able to slime your
way out underneath. I hope that when you get home your mother runs
out from under the porch and bites you.

You smarmy lagerlout git. You bloody woofter sod. Bugger off, pillock.
You grotty wanking oik artless base-court apple-john. You clouted
boggish foot-licking half-twit. You dankish clack-dish plonker. You
gormless crook-pated tosser. You bloody churlish boil-brained clotpole
ponce. You craven dewberry pisshead cockup pratting naff. You cockered
bum-bailey poofter. You gob-kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb. You
dread-bolted fobbing beef-witted clapper-clawed flirt-gill. May your
spouse be blessed with many bastards.

You are so clueless that if you dressed in a clue skin, doused yourself
in clue musk, and did the clue dance in the middle of a field of horny
clues at the height of clue mating season, you still would not have a
clue. If you were a movie you would be a double feature;
_Battlefield_Earth_ and _Moron_Movies_II_. You would be out of focus.

You are a fiend and a sniveling coward, and you have bad breath. You
are the unholy spawn of a bandy-legged hobo and a syphilitic camel.
You wear strangely mismatched clothing with oddly placed stains. You
are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just knowing that
you exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go
away. You are jetsam who dreams of becoming flotsam. You won't make
it. I beg for sweet death to come and remove me from a world which
became unbearable when you crawled out of a harpy's lair.

It is hard to believe how incredibly stupid you are. Stupid as a stone
that the other stones make fun of. So stupid that you have traveled
far beyond stupid as we know it and into a new dimension of stupid.
Meta-stupid. Stupid cubed. Trans-stupid stupid. Stupid collapsed to
a singularity where even the stupons have collapsed into stuponium.
Stupid so dense that no intelligence can escape. Singularity stupid.
Blazing hot summer day on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one
minute than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. It cannot
be possible that anything in our universe can really be this stupid.
This is a primordial fragment from the original big stupid bang. A pure
extract of stupid with absolute stupid purity. Stupid beyond the laws
of nature. I must apologize. I can't go on. This is my epiphany of
stupid. After this experience, you may not hear from me for a while.
I don't think that I can summon the strength left to mock your moronic
opinions and malformed comments about boring trivia or your other
drivel. Duh.

The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. I have snipped
away most of your of what you wrote, because, well ... it didn't
really say anything. Your attempt at constructing a creative flame was
pitiful. I mean, really, stringing together a bunch of insults among a
load of babbling was hardly effective... Maybe later in life, after
you have learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more
success. True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal"
people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering.
But we sometimes forget that there are "challenged" persons in this
world who find these things to be difficult. If I had known that this
was true in your case then I would have never have exposed myself to
what you wrote. It just wouldn't have been "right." Sort of like
parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the
emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a
demand on you.

P.S.: You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful,
cowardly, deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable,
belligerent, opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal,
fascistic, bigoted, racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic,
brain-damaged, imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame,
self-righteous, byzantine, conspiratorial, fraudulent,
libelous, bilious, splenetic, spastic, ignorant, clueless, EDLINoid,
illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb, evasive, double-talking,
devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative, paternalistic,
fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic, diseased,
suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim,
crazy, weird, dyspeptic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim,
unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive,
mind-numbing, arassive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive,
abusive, socially-retarded, puerile, and Generally Not Good.

[Zerig]

jokes on you i cant read so you cant insult me faggot

[Endless/Nameless]

I think I can say, in great confidence, that this post gave me cancer. 

[PastryOfApathy]

I feel as thought I should add my nerd essay to the list.

 

[Faust]

21 hours ago, Zaraphayx said:

P.S.: You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful,
cowardly, deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable,
belligerent, opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal,
fascistic, bigoted, racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic,
brain-damaged, imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame,
self-righteous, byzantine, conspiratorial, fraudulent,
libelous, bilious, splenetic, spastic, ignorant, clueless, EDLINoid,
illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb, evasive, double-talking,
devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative, paternalistic,
fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic, diseased,
suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim,
crazy, weird, dyspeptic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim,
unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive,
mind-numbing, arassive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive,
abusive, socially-retarded, puerile, and Generally Not Good.

Look out, she's got a thesaurus!

[Kosha]

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across theUSA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.

[Faust]

16 hours ago, Kosha said:

I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces.

Guerilla warfare, dude. Unless you mean that you throw bananas at people from an incredible distance!

[#00Buck]

Ugh. 

Text walls?

Stealing Rassahs style is beneath everyone. 

[Kosha]

Why do you downvote? Are you really that sad of a person that you have little fits of spite and have to reach out through a medium that has nothing to do with validity? You do realize karma is worthless right? And that downvoting a comment doesn't do anything to the legitimacy of what's in the post right? Or do you just ignore all of that because you're butthut and have to lash out like a baby in need of a circumcision? I mean seriously! You can't have a conversation with someone on the internet without angrily clicking the downvote button? Do you feel like you've had vengeance on me or something? I personally don't care about downvotes either way (by all means, call your silly downvote brigade on me, it means nothing at all to me), but I just find it funny how seriously you and others like yourself actually take these imaginary internet points. Reddit really is all you have, huh? Damn do I feel bad for you. But you know what? I don’t care! I’ll rake in the coal! You’re logic is flawed, kiddo. Don't like what people are doing with it? Downvote me, that'll show 'em! Go ahead and press that down arrow, I know you're itching to do it. Think you're contributing to the community? "Doing your civic duty"? Nope. You're just decreasing a meaningless number on the internet. You just want to hop on the bandwagon. Well POUNCE! O can hear you as your feet land on the cold real steel of the inside of the wagon. You know what? Enjoy the ride, for now. Maybe even stick your head out the window and feel the breeze while you reflect on the importance of your downvote to me. I'll even give you my word, this isn't even my primary account, kiddo. Downvote away, downvote to your heart's content. But listen kid, please remember rule 1 of reddit. Treat the other people commenting as if they are human beings. It is fascinating, however, that people ignore the fact that I am right just because the first two people downvoted me. From that point it is just snowballs. When people see downvotes, do they neglect their own ability or reason? It is similar to the fallacy of poisoning the well. Once they see the fact that others disagree, they assume that the person must be wrong, even if undeniable truth is on the other side. It is an interesting phenomenon, and I am not sure how reddit should address this issue moving forward. There needs to be a solution that prevents cases like mine from happening. If someone posts something truthful, it should be upvoted, not downvoted. It is imperative that we allow free speech and the truth to be shared. I don’t care about the karma. Hell, I’ll gladly rake in the coal! But we must remember that free speech and opinions are key to our society and, more importantly, reddit. So, next time you want to downvote something, just think about what you are about to do!

[Spot]

Oh wow Zara you're such a nerd I might have to beat you up and steal your lunch money. 

[Kosha]

The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far. The sciences, each straining in its own direction, have hitherto harmed us little; but some day the piecing together of dissociated knowledge will open up such terrifying vistas of reality, and of our frightful position therein, that we shall either go mad from the revelation or flee from the deadly light into the peace and safety of a new dark age.

This is the opening paragraph of Call of Cthulhu.

[Faust]

Oh gawd I *MUST* be a nerd, I knew that without having to reveal the hidden contents!