DevilishlyHandsome49 Posted July 1, 2016 Share Posted July 1, 2016 I was wondering whether to put this topic here or on Rant/Raves. After some thought, this feels like a more normal discussion topic than a rant or vent. So, you're in a good place. Things are looking up, hope is an ever present feeling, and overall, you're just in a pleasant mood. Now, its quiet. You're chilling by yourself, alone with your thoughts. Then, something comes up. A trigger that sets off a domino effect in your head, playing a marathon of memories from your past that you thought you forgot. That you thought you buried. You find yourself proven wrong on both accounts and the memories come back to remind you just how low you were before you rose up. All that time, a terrible and worrisome thought prods at you: "Will history repeat itself?". You feel like you've learned from your mistakes and that from learning from them, you've becone a better person. You look back at your old self and see an entirely different person, thinking "How could that have been me? I never could have been in that deep of a hole. That wasn't the real me." The reality is, it was you. A flawed, fucked up version of you and while you may feel new and improved now, those marathon of memories remind you just how easily you fell...and how you could fall again. About a year ago, I was in a bad place. Don't want to go into specifics because the people involved may or may not be connected to people on this forum in some way, shape, or form. I guess in the end though, the people who know, know and the people who don't, don't. Either way, word gets around I suppose. Point is, I did something that went against my morals. It was nothing illegal but it was a very personal matter and the ramifications of my actions fucked me up in ways I couldn't have imagined. For so long I wore a mask, acting happy, hopeful and full of life when I was truly descending in the opposite direction, somedays wishing I could meet my end. It took the support of close friends of mine, one of whom who's now my bf, to help me cope. They helped me move past my guilt over what happened and look back on things in a different light so I can focus on the now. In a way, I'm thankful for the memories. They help me see how far I've come to be how I am now and give me certain revelations about the events that transpired. On the other hand though, I hate my memories cause they also bring back the guilt and make me feel vunerable to failing again. Memories do a good job at making you but also breaking you. I questioned the reason for this love/hate relationship with my memories. My bf told me it was my desire for closure. The closure I never recieved. The closure you get from books and movies after a certain conflict so you can feel you got a "proper ending". But life doesn't work that way unfortunately. I don't want my memories to be the driving force of my actions forever. I realize I can be a good person on my own, without good or bad memories to act as a reminder on how I should be. I learned my lesson, now I just want to bury the past in the past and live my life...but the memories that flooded in just an hour ago, that spawned the creation of this topic prove thats not happening anytime soon. For now, I've created a system for dealing when these things happen. I take deep breaths and I think: I think about the friends I have by my side, the man I love who I'll get to talk to once he wakes up, and the future I plan for myself and the people I care about. I'll gladly do this as many times as needed till the past is buried and just seen as a nightmare. This is...the most open I've been without going past my comfort zone. I guess I just reached a point where I am happy with how I am now and wish to open up about certain things as a way to move past troubling things. Who knows, maybe these are the steps to closure, maybe not. I guess I'm also curious how you all deal with memories, good or bad. (Note: I typed this on mobile. Checked as best I can but if there are any typos still, I apologize) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Another Ampers& Posted July 1, 2016 Share Posted July 1, 2016 what's important is you're moving forward, coming out of where you've been. It's going to be hard, but each day you survive is another day stronger :3 I find myself haunted by memories sometimes, what I always do is I tell myself that I was a child, I didn't know better, that there's no sense in feeling regret because I've always made what I felt was the right decision given the information I had at the time this might not help you, but I just thought I'd leave that advice instead of reading and leaving 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DevilishlyHandsome49 Posted July 1, 2016 Author Share Posted July 1, 2016 3 hours ago, Another Ampers& said: that there's no sense in feeling regret because I've always made what I felt was the right decision given the information I had at the time That mentality is very similar to the one I had when I was coping with it all. For the longest, I blamed every aspect of what happened on myself. It took talks with my friends to see that some of the circumstances to what happened were just out of my control and that all the parties involved were in the wrong in some way, not just me. 37 minutes ago, Rhíulchabán said: -snip- You may be right. Maybe I'm not trying to "bury" those memories but I'm trying to accept them for what they are. Part of me feels like I have, while another part despises them with a burning passion. The stone is still spikey and painful. Its just hard to believe that I needed those memories to be a better person. Before it all happened, I was in a spot similar to how I am now. I was held in high regard by most and made smart choices...then that one dumb choice led me down a path of more poor choices. I was losing myself, who I truly was. Thats why looking back on it, I still have a hard time accepting, cause who I was is such a polar opposite to how I really am. Its surreal to me. I wonder if had done things differently and that dumb choice was actually a smart choice, how long would the happiness have lasted? Would I have been doomed to fall at some point or another? Was falling a neccesary trial of life to prove I had the power to climb up and learn? In a strange way..I guess I am thankful for falling. What I have now feels worth it all and I wouldnt give it up for anything. I guess what I'm saying is, I'm close to fully accepting it but I still gotta let some of that denial and hate, go Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ricky Posted July 2, 2016 Share Posted July 2, 2016 My guess is something else reminded you of it, maybe something you didn't even notice for which your brain stored an association with this past event. It is a very rudimentary way of averting things that could have led up to the event, though in this case it probably wasn't and for all I know it could have been a tree or someone shouting something. I have many, many memories that I'm not so proud of, but I'm not ashamed of them, either. You are the sum of your experiences and people (hopefully) learn from their mistakes. As long as it didn't put you into permanent jeopardy then who cares? You already said you got ahead and even though you probably won't start moving backwards without some intentional effort on your part, if you ever do at least you've been there before and will know how to deal with it that much better. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SkyboundTerror Posted July 2, 2016 Share Posted July 2, 2016 What needs to be said has been said by the others already. Memories, good or bad - painful or not, should be cherished because they define who we are as individuals. Back when I was going through a rough patch, I decided to start writing journals to help me cope and understand what I was going through. I was on the verge of tossing those journal entries multiple times because they only cause me pain when I read them, but I kept deciding against it because they remind me of how strong I am. Even now, I can look back and never be able pinpoint where it all went wrong. I'll get lost in all the details. But that should never be the focus. What matters is I'm still here, and I'm still standing. And I'll do my best to stay standing, because I know where I stand. That's life, yo. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DevilishlyHandsome49 Posted July 2, 2016 Author Share Posted July 2, 2016 45 minutes ago, SkyboundTerror said: What needs to be said has been said by the others already. Memories, good or bad - painful or not, should be cherished because they define who we are as individuals. Back when I was going through a rough patch, I decided to start writing journals to help me cope and understand what I was going through. I was on the verge of tossing those journal entries multiple times because they only cause me pain when I read them, but I kept deciding against it because they remind me of how strong I am. Even now, I can look back and never be able pinpoint where it all went wrong. I'll get lost in all the details. But that should never be the focus. What matters is I'm still here, and I'm still standing. And I'll do my best to stay standing, because I know where I stand. That's life, yo. I've been debating writing a journal about whats happened but I have difficulties for the reasons you stated. It will hurt reliving all those memories in written detail and I'd have the compulsion to keep looking back only to get hurt more. And yeah, the way things went down was so hectic, finding the exact details if what caused what is a challenge by itself Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sidewalk Surfboard Posted July 2, 2016 Share Posted July 2, 2016 I have a hard time coping with my past. I blame myself for almost all of it. I'm hoping therapy can help me with this. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ricky Posted July 2, 2016 Share Posted July 2, 2016 5 hours ago, Sidewalk Surfboard said: I have a hard time coping with my past. I blame myself for almost all of it. I'm hoping therapy can help me with this. Why do you need to "cope" with the past? "Coping is expending conscious effort to solve personal and interpersonal problems." -Wikipedia If it's in the past it isn't a problem anymore and shouldn't require any effort to do anything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Another Ampers& Posted July 2, 2016 Share Posted July 2, 2016 59 minutes ago, Ricky said: Why do you need to "cope" with the past? "Coping is expending conscious effort to solve personal and interpersonal problems." -Wikipedia If it's in the past it isn't a problem anymore and shouldn't require any effort to do anything. just wondering have you ever had a problem in your life Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ricky Posted July 2, 2016 Share Posted July 2, 2016 22 minutes ago, Another Ampers& said: just wondering have you ever had a problem in your life probably and to what extent It's not logical to waste time and energy on something you can't change. If it's a really big deal I could probably see rationalizing those things, but it still isn't productive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Another Ampers& Posted July 2, 2016 Share Posted July 2, 2016 1 minute ago, Ricky said: probably and to what extent It's not logical to waste time and energy on something you can't change. If it's a really big deal I could probably see rationalizing those things, but it still isn't productive. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3181836/ here u go Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ricky Posted July 2, 2016 Share Posted July 2, 2016 1 minute ago, Another Ampers& said: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3181836/ here u go what is your point Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
#00Buck Posted July 3, 2016 Share Posted July 3, 2016 On July 1, 2016 at 8:56 AM, DevilishlyHandsome49 said: Lots of words. Thanks for sharing. Memories change over time. Sometimes they go away and come back. All I can say is try to stay in the present and think of the future. Making new good memories helps dilute and outnumber the bad memories of the past. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DevilishlyHandsome49 Posted July 3, 2016 Author Share Posted July 3, 2016 5 hours ago, #00Buck said: Thanks for sharing. Memories change over time. Sometimes they go away and come back. All I can say is try to stay in the present and think of the future. Making new good memories helps dilute and outnumber the bad memories of the past. Felt good to get off my chest, lots of good things said in this thread. I definitely plan to make better many memories with my bf and others I care for :3 And sorry for the lots of words 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
#00Buck Posted July 3, 2016 Share Posted July 3, 2016 1 hour ago, DevilishlyHandsome49 said: Felt good to get off my chest, lots of good things said in this thread. I definitely plan to make better many memories with my bf and others I care for :3 And sorry for the lots of words I love the words. Keep it up. If you're willing to share it I'm willing to read it. Also love the videos. I really enjoy your creativity. It's a pleasure to have you around. Cheers! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ricky Posted July 3, 2016 Share Posted July 3, 2016 13 hours ago, #00Buck said: Memories change over time. Sometimes they go away and come back. ... o.O? Well, I don't think they actually change without some sort of trauma but some things are harder to remember over time than others o.o... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Endless/Nameless Posted July 5, 2016 Share Posted July 5, 2016 On July 3, 2016 at 10:56 AM, Ricky said: Well, I don't think they actually change without some sort of trauma but some things are harder to remember over time than others o.o... Every time you access a memory file your brain repercepts it and resaves without discarding changes. http://www.northwestern.edu/newscenter/stories/2012/09/your-memory-is-like-the-telephone-game.html Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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