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Rant: My Aunt


TrishaCat
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Please make it stop. I didn't ask for this.

Fall break just started at my school so I decided to go home for the break. Figured it'd be nice and comforting to see my parents and spend some time with them. But my mom hit me with the news that my aunt was still around once she arrived at school to pick me up. And that....That would've been nice to know. A little while back I had heard that she was visiting with my parents from Texas, and that'd she be leaving and returning to Texas today, which is partly why I didn't bother to come home until today (I could've gone home yesterday). But she never left.

I REALLY don't like my aunt. There are people I get along with, people I don't mind, people I occasionally have quarrels with but can still spend time around, and, well, usually that's it. But her, she creates a fourth "people I can't stand place". Here's why.

She's one of those hardcore religious types like the ones you see on TV. Super overbearing and judging. Her beliefs enter pretty much every aspect of her life, to the point where she feels that everything that happens is because God wanted that to happen to her. And the thing is, is that she's been in an abusive marriage for many years now, so much so that after she got aquainted with my parents she would call my mom about twice a day and talk to her for about an hour or two per call on the phone. That's a heck of a lot of time to spend on the phone with someone every single day.  But anyways, she won't leave this abusive relationship because she believes that God wants her to take care of her husband. Her husband is in poor health, but he's extremely mean to her and she's told us stories of him beating her, him being responsible for the death of her pet dog (a dog that WE gave her as a puppy, which I was reluctant to give up), and him being responsible for the loss of their personal information (losing her wallet and then someone stealing money from her). But she won't leave, and instead spent day after day talking with my parents on the phone. So I have to listen to her talk, and she blames every good thing that happens in life on God and constantly complains about things like how gay marriage was legalized, which I have to listen to (and I'm bi, so this is directly relevant to me. I haven't told anyone outside the internet this, but its still rude to say things like that). Its frustrating. Especially because I care very much for my mom, who has trouble dealing with stress. She's always stressed and worried about something, and I don't want to see her having to deal with any more troubles. She clearly doesn't like talking on the phone that much with her, but any time she tries to hint at it or say something my aunt just changes the subject or shrugs it off. But you know what? I might be able to be okay with her if that's all she did.

My aunt is rich. But she's also a hoarder. And that's a terrifying combination. She hoards things in her house and since she's been visiting my parents she stuffed a HUGE amount of stuff she either bought or took out of the trunk of her car and put it into a big pile in my room, taking up a lot of space. And the thing is, is most of it is stuff she doesn't need. Some of it is even junk (a bag of white packing peanuts for instance). One time I was at a thrift store with her and she saw something and say "Ooh! I want that!". Neither I nor my mom knew what it was so my mom asked "What is it?" and she replied "I don't know! But I want it! I have to have it!". She just goeas and buys whatever catcher her eye even if she doesn't know what it is and then stuffs it into a pile where she likely never touches it again. But that's not all. She's also REALLY rude. Like,, one time while at a store she had been eyeing something and then another customer came along and picked it up to look at, at which point she immediately burst out "Oh no! That's mine! You can't have it!" when she wasn't carrying it and no one had bought it or even made any claims over it. Its ridiculous.

Besides all that, she ALWAYS has to have her way. She's super picky about what restaurants we go to for instance. Like for some reason she hates Wendy's but likes McDonald's, and will say she can't eat at one place over another. Why? They're basically the same restaurant with a different name. I can understand having preferences due to the differences, but outright refusing to go one place over another? 

But anyways, she's been at my parents house for a while and I think she REALLY takes advantage of the hospitality of my family. She had to get surgery a long time ago and since her husband won't take care of her we offered to help her out while she's recovering from surgery, which she accepted. Which is fine. We knew she'd be around for a little while. But she wound up spending about 6 months with my family, when it really should've taken only half that to be in a fit enough state to go home. She said she'd go home on Friday after visiting with my family for about 2 weeks and yet she's still here for whatever reason. I mean its nice having company over every now and then but most company understands that there's such a thing as overstaying one's welcome. Most of the time when someone comes and leaves will be arranged before a visit, or a visitor will just drop by and leave like a couple days later. But no, she never thinks that way, as if she might be burdening someone and so she just stays as long as she's comfortable. And since all her stuff is in my room, that means I get to have her walk into my room whenever she needs anything, so I don't really get any privacy.

She's also computer illiterate and doesn't really...get things. She constantly asks me for help and while I'm happy to give it, its over really simple things that shouldn't be any trouble at all. She's not THAT old. Trial and error is a good way to learn how to use something, or just fooling around with something. There are many things I don't know how to use that I just need to spend some time messing around with to figure it out. Basic things shouldn't be hard to figure out. And I know that may come off as a bit rude of me, but there's a LOT of things she doesn't get that should be easy to figure out for just about anyone, even outside of computers. She asks dumb questions that everyone in the room but her will understand most of the time and all it takes is a little paying attention to realize. 

I've talked with my parents about all this and they just tell me to try and look at the positive. So I then ask what positive does she have? And they just answer generosity. That's all they've got. I don't believe she's generous. She spends money on us and gives to us all the time, but I don't think it means anything. What does it matter to spend money on someone if you don't value your money? She clearly doesn't care what she spends her money on or how she does it. How can that generosity mean anything?

Perhaps it may seem difficult to understand why I dislike her so much from just this, as I feel like I haven't really explained it. My mind is a bit blank right now. But spending time around her has given me actual headaches before and now I'm stuck at home with her for a few days.

Edited by Battlechili
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No, no. I totally understand.

I've got a similar relationship with my aunts. Which makes it worse because the elder one is now braindamaged - not so that you notice from short conversations, but not enough to live on her own. So she lives with my mom, who doesn't like her either.

 

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No, no. I totally understand.

I've got a similar relationship with my aunts. Which makes it worse because the elder one is now braindamaged - not so that you notice from short conversations, but not enough to live on her own. So she lives with my mom, who doesn't like her either.

 

That sounds dreadful. Does your mom handle it well? And I'm sorry about your aunt as well. Did something happen to her, or old age, or?

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That sounds dreadful. Does your mom handle it well? And I'm sorry about your aunt as well. Did something happen to her, or old age, or?

She has a stroke. She ended up falling down and laying on the floor. My idiotic cousin (he was much younger) thought she was "playing" so put a pillow under her head. Her equally idiotic husband later saw her on the floor with a pillow and thought she decided to take a nap on the floor after cleaning.

And so she was laying there overnight. 

A year or so later my aunt, uncle-in-law, and cousin moved to Kentucky to be closer the uncle's family. He was dead within a year (Heart attack, I believe), so my mother had to fly out to Kentucky and drive them and their stuff back. ...during Katrina.

This was a year after my grandmother, who was legally blind and my mother got stuck living with/helping out, died. My mom really couldn't catch any breaks.

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It's good of you're mother to take care of her. 

Mom's stuck in a bit of a hard place. Nobody else in the family would take my aunt. My other aunt was whining for years that they should sell the old place and buy cheap condos somewhere "For them all". Whiney bitch.

My older cousin won't even think about taking her mom in, despite a well paying job and a large house - and two grandkids.

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Battlechilli, you have my sympathy for sure. She's a regular Pain in the Ass bingo, what with the hoarding, the religious mania, and the general rudeness and entitlement. Is she senile?

Has she always been this way? What happens when people try to be appropriately assertive or direct with her?

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Edited by Troj
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Battlechilli, you have my sympathy for sure. She's a regular Pain in the Ass bingo, what with the hoarding, the religious mania, and the general rudeness and entitlement. Is she senile?

Has she always been this way? What happens when people try to be appropriately assertive or direct with her?

No, she's not senile. I believe she's actually in her 40s and while I'm not sure her mind is entirely healthy, she seems well enough that she doesn't have anything like that. As far as I'm aware she's always been this way though, although she kept to herself regarding her husband for quite some time. As for people who are direct with her....I think once my mom scolded her for saying something rude and she just said "I know it was rude" and didn't say or think anything of it, as if she knew what she was doing but didn't care.

She has a stroke. She ended up falling down and laying on the floor. My idiotic cousin (he was much younger) thought she was "playing" so put a pillow under her head. Her equally idiotic husband later saw her on the floor with a pillow and thought she decided to take a nap on the floor after cleaning.

And so she was laying there overnight. 

A year or so later my aunt, uncle-in-law, and cousin moved to Kentucky to be closer the uncle's family. He was dead within a year (Heart attack, I believe), so my mother had to fly out to Kentucky and drive them and their stuff back. ...during Katrina.

This was a year after my grandmother, who was legally blind and my mother got stuck living with/helping out, died. My mom really couldn't catch any breaks.

Holy hell that's awful. Its a shame what happened to her and that no one thought anything of it. Since when does someone like that just lie down and "play asleep"? But regardless, that's a lot of stress put onto your mom. I hope she finds time to relax.

Edited by Battlechili
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No, she's not senile. I believe she's actually in her 40s and while I'm not sure her mind is entirely healthy, she seems well enough that she doesn't have anything like that. As far as I'm aware she's always been this way though, although she kept to herself regarding her husband for quite some time. As for people who are direct with her....I think once my mom scolded her for saying something rude and she just said "I know it was rude" and didn't say or think anything of it, as if she knew what she was doing but didn't care.

Holy hell that's awful. Its a shame what happened to her and that no one thought anything of it. Since when does someone like that just lie down and "play asleep"? But regardless, that's a lot of stress put onto your mom. I hope she finds time to relax.

She's got less stress these days. She sold the old place, bought a new car and a mobile home outright, in a place in Vegas. Land of the comps and buffets, and she's got a gambling problem. :/

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She just sounds like a demanding bitch who's always gotten her way by pitching a fit and being a bully.

The advice columnist Captain Awkward has really opened my eyes when it comes to dealing with this sort of person. I recall some column where the letter-writer said that they had a very rude and obnoxious family member who always made family gatherings very tense, but everyone just tried to ignore their behavior in the name of "preserving the peace" and "not starting drama."

Captain Awkward's reply was that this family member had already caused drama and disrupted the peace, so whomever calls the behavior what it is isn't the one creating the problem.

Obviously, telling her she's rude doesn't faze her, because she's a self-absorbed jerk. With people like this, I've found that you need to actually draw a boundary that involves them not getting what they want if they continue to engage in the bad behavior.

With my grandma, the go-to line my mom refined was, "Mom, I can't talk to you when you yell and call me names. If we can't talk without yelling or name-calling, I'm going to hang up." If grandma resumed ranting and raving, my mom would say, "When you yell and call me names, it upsets me. I can't talk to you like this, so I'm hanging up. Bye."

Grandma never really changed, but she at least learned that if she got personal or melodramatic, people were going to leave the room or hang up on her, so she learned to at least "stealth-whine" in a way that didn't get aggressive or personal.

What would happen if you and/or your family members started drawing these kinds of boundaries with auntie?

 

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According to my aunt, the reason she's been around these past few days after she said she'd leave is because she'd been feeling dizzy and can't drive. Since when do people feel dizzy for days on in? Wouldn't that be worthy of a hospital visit?

What would happen if you and/or your family members started drawing these kinds of boundaries with auntie?

I'm honestly not sure. I've tried convincing my mom to do that, but my mom hates making people upset and its difficult to get her to do anything without feeling guilty about it. She has told my aunt not to talk to her in that manner when she's being bossy, saying that "I'm not your awful husband. You don't talk to me that way", and that seems to get her to be, well, nicer, but its only ever temporary. I can't bring myself to say anything to her either. Part of the problem is that my family and I feel obligated to her to a degree, as her money has helped us get through a lot of our troubles. I like to try and be nice, and that added to the fact that she's given to me a lot more than I could ask of any non-immediate relative to do for me. Its difficult for anyone to say anything.

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