evan Posted July 31, 2016 Share Posted July 31, 2016 i don't like to vent often. however today i'm feeling something i'm not used to and want to listen to what others have to say on the subject. some personal context i've currently been studying at school over the summer while also doing teaching at a few bands. this is on my parents' financial aid so it costs them quite a bit to let me do, but they want to help me graduate so they're okay with it. i'm still a little uncomfortable with the fact that i'm kind of a freeloader in that sense, but i'm trying to get better about doing work and doing well so they can feel like it's a worthwhile investment. this week i got into a band camp. it's pretty strenuous even if you're teaching because you're going at it for about 10-12 hours a day and for the section i teach it is just nonstop note learning and refining, which is rough on the mind. i had to prepare for a political philosophy midterm at the same time. the mistake i made; the class is extremely difficult and i had not done much beforehand preparation, in part because i ended up busy all of the week before. i had anticipated there to be wi-fi at the site, but there wasn't so i had to wait in order to do a chunk of my work. the stressors culminated into an inability to complete my work and falling behind on the timeline i had set up that would have helped me finish everything on time. basically yesterday rolls around and i realize it's impossible. there's no way i was going to write three essays and make them all at the necessary level to pass the midterm, and i cracked. i tried to think of what to do, but realized there was no way for me to save my grade, realistically. were i to do perfectly on the midterm and other reading assignments, i'd still only be able to get my grade up to a D. i called my parents and told them i was withdrawing from a class and offered to pay it with all the money i had made teaching. however i then found out that withdrawals had closed just that week. so i would soon be losing not only a ton of money, but also possibly scholarships if the grade was low enough. the above story is an example of mistakes. there's a number to comment on; not starting sooner, taking on too many gigs, taking too hard of a class. within that there are also reasons for those mistakes: a refusal to take a "whatever" class for the sake of gen eds, feeling a need to make income for something i should be expected to pay on my own, trying to prioritize my music based employment simultaneously, wanting to be able to manage stress efficiently. at this point however i don't feel any emotional need to continue. this semester is not individual; it is part of a consecutive pattern. this happened last semester, and the one before it. i did not fail any classes the spring before that but i lost many friends. i had the same problem of not doing very well with the drumcorps i marched, not getting over my social anxiety, and certainly doing quite awfully on my college auditions, despite having the complete potential to do better. i have to ask this forum: when you find yourself in a trend of consistent failures, how do you think about where to go from there? i'm at the point where i want to drop out, but the guilt of the amount of money i would have made my family waste is too much to even consider it. yet at the same time, when i think about doing anything i only worry that it will be one long fuck up. thus i don't know what to do with myself anymore. i know the old adage. "you're too hard on yourself, everybody makes mistakes". i just also no longer have the capacity to believe mistakes of this caliber are "being too hard" and rather are just "not capable of doing the right things." so i just have to ask people how they think about stuff like this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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