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My insecure self keeps screaming I'll just bother people with my crap.

But fuck, I don't care anymore. It's gotta get out.


I'm stuck. Stuck in a shell I locked and threw out the key of... All aspects of my life, social, personal, professional, are seized up. Back in September when I had just left my freshly obtained job as a diesel mechanic I wanted to give myself a few months to think everything through. We're well into February and I couldn't manage to move a single INCH.

If I were only to listen to my heart, I would start making YouTube videos for a living, probably animations, like theodd1sout or Domics do. I like the idea, you get to do a little bit of everything, it's creative and very easy to make meaningful. And I'm far from running out of ideas. But I have a hard time believing I can make it work. At the end of the day, as long as my occupation generates a LIVEABLE income, that's fine by me, even if it's low. But still, I always doubt myself...

TL;DR: I don't believe in my creative potential but can't abandon it and indulge in the daily grind.

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"Follow your heart" is a pathos idea that doesnt work in reality, my friend. Unless youre a genious with a spark of a novel idea like Mark Zuckerberg or the Pewdiepie man youre not going to make a living off a website or a youtube channel. Youre just another peon in the bore of a 21st century world that demands necessity over etertainment as far as making a living go. 

Id like to be less pessimistic about that, but unless you have solid grounding in what is deemed an on-demand field, well, you're not going to get anywhere.


Hm, protip though. Work a part-time job job or job that doesnt require much schooling (particularly in something you like, like electronics, maybe). Part time is enough to generate a small wage you can live off of, while spending all your efforts into creating youtube videos and animations on off time. When you generate enough of a repertoire maybe just jump into the animation industry.


Sorry youre having it rough, once again I wish you luck

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I follow my heart. I draw what I want, write what I want, paint what I want and collaborate with friends on whatever we collectively want. The last five years have been fantastic for my creative energy. Sure there have been dull spots, but overall it's been great. 

But, I can do this because I work a full time job to fund it. Do I enjoy my full time job? Sure, nowhere near the level of drawing or building model tyranids, but it keeps my income flowing and it's laborious enough to keep me challenged without driving me away.

I can't in any semblance of honesty say that I think you've made the right choice. Get a day job. Even if it's just some dull factory position or licking fucking envelopes for crying out loud. I've seen a lot of people quit their jobs with dreams of making money off some creative medium. And I've seen them all fail. My art is still an enjoyable part of my life because I can do with it as I please, rather than leaving myself dependent on it. \

Get a job, make money. THEN do your animations and if you can manage more money off that, then great. But don't go setting yourself up to rely on something before you've even gained a measure of routine or success because, and I mean this in a nice way, that is a damn stupid thing to do.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Took a little break from forums for almost two weeks to do a little more introspection.

Just to make things perfectly clear, I don't actually want to dive head first into anything, hence the "if I were only to follow my heart" part in my OP. There are other things to factor in. I mentioned animation but there really are many creative projects that sound very interesting to me.

But truth be told I did dive head first into "safe" career paths only to fail miserably. I might as well grab the first minimum wage job I can find and be done with it. That'll be less hassle.

It sure sucks being cursed with the "jack-of-all-trades" syndrome. I can't help but see it as a terrible handicap. We live in a world a productivity and competitiveness where one needs to stick to one thing if they want to gain the skills necessary to be up to par out there. I tried this all my life but there's always the same obstacle in front of me. This other thing that's also interesting, and that one more thing next to it, and so on. Focusing on only one of them means I won't have enough energy left for the others and it's always blocking me.

Or maybe it's the lack of goal in my life that's causing this blockage, I'm not even sure anymore. It's really making my life feel empty. Otherwise I'm fine, no depression, no suicidal thoughts, just a strong feeling of emptiness.

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On 2017-02-22 at 7:32 AM, LazerMaster5 said:

Say, what happened to you being a diesel technician? 

Well, it really wasn't a job meant for me.

My weaknesses showed up badly. If I only had two words to describe the entire experience (tech school + all jobs), they'd be "overwhelming" and "stressful". So many things can go wrong in this industry, even with all the training and knowledge available. And it can often start with the small details I tend to forget VERY often.

Just to give one example of a particularly expensive mistake that one of our teachers witnessed at his other job at a dealership:

The initial context was a 10-minute job, on a CAT 3406 engine. There's a small oil line that feeds the air compressor's crankshaft bearings, which needed to be replaced. No biggie, again, 10 minutes (plus a trip to the local hydraulic shop) and it's done, truck's good to go. The guy takes the hose to the local hydraulic shop and gets a new one made, then gets back to the shop and installs it.

But there was something. By the worst of lucks, one of the fittings had a manufacturing defect and wasn't drilled inside. Functionally it was a plug. Neither the person at the hydraulic shop nor the one who installed the hose even noticed it. Consequently the air compressor on the engine was no longer fed any oil. The driver didn't go very far, before long the compressor destroyed itself. More precisely the connecting rods broke and blocked the crankshaft, but that's just the beginning. On a CAT 3406, as on most diesel engines, the air compressor is directly driven by the gear train. Even if the compressor blocks completely, you've still got a 500+ HP crankshaft going in the engine block. Needless to say the entire gear train was wrecked, and a complete engine overhaul was required.

That's just one example. I did make mistakes myself, thankfully they didn't cost nearly as much, (still easily in the 4-digit range though), but the last one at school could potentially have cost quite a bit. I was changing an injector on a Detroit series 60 and as part of the procedure you need to manually rotate the engine. I was using a 1 inch ratchet directly inserted into a square hole of the same size in the crankshaft damper. When I was done and ready to do a test run, I didn't remember I had a ratchet still connected to the damper. Thankfully the ratchet was set counter-clockwise (same direction as the engine) so it drove itself out.

And I won't even talk about the joys of troubleshooting a cluster of black boxes (i.e. electronic modules).

Long story short, detail-oriented people will thrive in those conditions. But I'm not one of them. Both detail-intensive and overly structured environments push me to exhaustion very quickly.

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