Just letting something out

[[null]]

Ok, i should probably integrate with the forum more before posting shit like this, or not even post it at all, but it's 1am and i don't have anyone to talk to atm so i'm just gonna ramble to myself and see if i want to post it.

 

I...turn the people i love against me. I don't even know how, or why, but it always seems to happen. My fiance, well ex fiance, just hates me now. I tried, i fucking tried so hard and i loved her so much, but i fucked up. I fucked up bad and i couldn't fix it, i tried but it just made everything worse. Fuck i wanted to have kids with this woman. I don't understand how her love could turn to such indifference and hate. I hurt her, pushed her away. I needed to though. I was living off of dry cereal with no means of bathing, washing my clothes or storing proper food outside of visiting her. Renting a fucking room with a bunch of cunts that were happy to take all my money and treat me like shit in return, and i moved into that fucking shithole to be close to her, to try to build a life with her. But i couldn't take being there, snapped and blamed her for it all. God i'm a cunt. I ruined the best thing that ever happened to me, and i fucking had to because my life outside of her was the worst it had ever been. She told me to leave, to sort my life out, and i have...sorta, i guess. It's actually enjoyable now. But...the damage had been done. I didn't want to lose her, i just couldn't live like that anymore. The last couple of months have been spent trying to build some sort of bridge, but...that just pushed her further away. She didn't want to hear that i still loved her and that i did what i did because i couldn't stand living like...i don't even know. Every time i left hers i felt like shit because i had to go back to that room, filthy sheets from the previous owner that i couldn't wash and couldn't afford to change. I'd sit there, on that fucking bed, with dry cereal and a bottle of coke counting the fucking minutes until i could be with her again. I had no life outside of her, and that's why i pushed her away. I wasn't going to leave without her but i had to leave, so i turned her against me. I fucking love her though, i've made such a massive mistake. She wants nothing to do with me now, started lying to me and just responding to me with anger...that's her choice. I wanted her to be happy with me but as long as she's happy that's fine, i just wish she didn't hate me.

 

I fucked up, i'm angry with myself and i'm angry with her for just...switching off, but i guess that's just how it goes. Heartbreak's a cunt. I can't talk to anyone about it, i can't sleep and i had to vent. Say what you like about me,  i don't care.

[Wax]

That sucks man. I guess it's just one of those things.

That AJJ album in your avatar is so sick btw!

[[null]]

19 minutes ago, Wax said:

That sucks man. I guess it's just one of those things.

That AJJ album in your avatar is so sick btw!

Cheers dude, i appreciate it. I'm a little with the drunkennes atm so no proper response but yes, that is life. She was a cool person and i'll remember her fondly but...smetimes it just isn't right.Hurts to say but, fuck it man, i'm still young and i have the capacity to love a lot of people. And yes, Andrew Jackson Jihad are awesome. Was only introduced to them about a week or two ago but fell in love with them. Their lyrics seem so awkward but they're bloody fantastic.

[Data]

that definitely sounds like a pretty bad situation, sorry to hear that you are going it. just keep your head up for the time being and keep moving.

[[null]]

17 hours ago, Aeon said:

that definitely sounds like a pretty bad situation, sorry to hear that you are going it. just keep your head up for the time being and keep moving.

Thank you, was definitely caught between a rock and a hard place, but life goes on. Even when things seem so right they can be wrong, took me a lot of time to accept that fact. In the end i'm simply grateful for the memories, both good and bad.

[Shiro]

I know what you're feeling man, and I know it hurts like hell. But you've just gotta keep going, look forward to a brighter future, and a better path, and I know it may be hard, but try not to linger on the past. What's done is done.

People change, things go wrong. Shit happens, but life goes on. Best of luck to you.

[Strongbob]

Just remember, life is only a true failure if you learn nothing from your choices. 

[[null]]

On 4/12/2017 at 9:06 PM, Shiro said:

I know what you're feeling man, and I know it hurts like hell. But you've just gotta keep going, look forward to a brighter future, and a better path, and I know it may be hard, but try not to linger on the past. What's done is done.

People change, things go wrong. Shit happens, but life goes on. Best of luck to you.

Kinda sorry to hear you understand tbh, but thank you for the kind words. It's difficult not to think about her at times but i've just gotta push her out of my mind. For her sake more than anything at this point.

On 4/13/2017 at 1:24 PM, Strongbob said:

Just remember, life is only a true failure if you learn nothing from your choices. 

Wise words. I wish i had more to say but, thank you. Life is nothing more than the slow and painful collection of experience after all, i just hope i'll do the right thing next time.

[[null]]

Random update.

It's been my birthday for a grand total of an hour, and i got a present from my ex. Hope, i know no one gives a fuck but i broke through that wall of hate. My God she could actually forgive me in time. I got her to see some good in me, and now i just have to keep being good for her. She might actually not hate me forever.

Just had to post this because fuck, i've never felt so much relief.

[Shiro]

3 hours ago, [null] said:

Random update.

It's been my birthday for a grand total of an hour, and i got a present from my ex. Hope, i know no one gives a fuck but i broke through that wall of hate. My God she could actually forgive me in time. I got her to see some good in me, and now i just have to keep being good for her. She might actually not hate me forever.

Just had to post this because fuck, i've never felt so much relief.

That's good to hear, and glad things are turning out well for you. Forgiveness is the best form of love. It takes a strong person to say sorry, and an even stronger person, to forgive. Also, happy birthday!

[[null]]

On 4/20/2017 at 4:29 AM, Shiro said:

That's good to hear, and glad things are turning out well for you. Forgiveness is the best form of love. It takes a strong person to say sorry, and an even stronger person, to forgive. Also, happy birthday!

Thank you. Honestly it was a tough day, but i'm glad that i might be able to fix something at least. For both our sakes.

[[null]]

Eh, update because i can.

Her last words to me were "you used to matter to me, now you don't. Simple", then i asked her for a hug because i wanted her to hold me one last time. To her credit she did. After that i told her i loved her with all my heart and asked her to block me. We're completely done, and i'm finally ok with it...i think. The way she ended up treating me drove me to some really bad places, ended up having anxiety attacks and throwing up if i thought about her. In the end she just became toxic for me...and i just became toxic to her. I wanted to fix it but...we were never really right for each other. Part of me always knew that, but i still loved her, and despite all the pain we've caused each other i'll remember her fondly. It's a shame, but that's life. I hate it when someone that once thought the world of you suddenly switches off and starts seeing you as dirt. It's ruinous for the psyche. In the end she just hurt me so much, and that's the only reason i can let her go.

Now i know no one cares. I'm just a stranger getting shit off his chest, but i'd like to thank the mods for not stopping these posts from being seen, and letting me let this out somewhere.

[FlynnCoyote]

On 25/04/2017 at 8:31 PM, [null] said:

Now i know no one cares. I'm just a stranger getting shit off his chest, but i'd like to thank the mods for not stopping these posts from being seen, and letting me let this out somewhere.

Isn't necessarily that nobody cares. It's just not easy to respond to these sorts of things sometimes. I went through a similar thing a couple years back when my ex just cut me off completely. She wouldn't even give me a reason, and up until then things had been going great. I began to suspect she was cheating on me, or with me, but I knew that looking into it could kill me regardless of the answer.

Work through this and you'll be stronger and wiser in the end, just like after every trial life throws at us. When things pick up you'll feel better for it.

[[null]]

13 hours ago, FlynnCoyote said:

Isn't necessarily that nobody cares. It's just not easy to respond to these sorts of things sometimes. I went through a similar thing a couple years back when my ex just cut me off completely. She wouldn't even give me a reason, and up until then things had been going great. I began to suspect she was cheating on me, or with me, but I knew that looking into it could kill me regardless of the answer.

Work through this and you'll be stronger and wiser in the end, just like after every trial life throws at us. When things pick up you'll feel better for it.

Sorry to hear that, i went through something similar a while back. Although with hindsight things were nowhere near as great as i remember at the time. Ugh, hungover posts. C'mon brain, do the thinking thing. When i said that nobody cares it wasn't a case of wishing for support in some way, it was just an acknowledgement of the fact that everyone has their own shit to deal with and i know there's no reason to give some random on a furfag forum a second thought for basically devoting a thread to saying "mah woman". It's cool that some people have though, and i'm grateful for it, but this was ultimately just a means for me to vent something that's been very stressful. Needed to let things out somewhere.

I do know what much though, this fell apart because of mistakes i initially made. I was able to identify them and accept that they were necessary even though they were harmful and tried to make up for them, but she just dropped me for it without ever trying to work things through. That was her mistake. It takes two to make a relationship, and two to break one. At least i can say i fought for us, and i can be proud of that at least. 

[[null]]

Yeah, update. 

It's taken too long but i've finally been able to let her go. I love her so much and i've never felt more alone but fuck it, i have things to live for. I'm gonna post the last messages i sent her because fuck you, i want to.

[null], [15.05.17 21:48]
i'm glad you've found someone that could actually be right for you, i wish you years of happiness. Remember that ok. I'm gonna go get drunk and i don't think i'm ever gonna message you again. So fuck it, i love you. Thank you for showing me all the things about myself that are wrong, i know what to work on at least. You're a wonderful woman. In all honesty i just wanted to hold you again. Thank you for everything, you amazing, beautiful woman. Goodbye [...].

[null], [15.05.17 21:51]
In spite of everything you were good. Just don't hate me forever. Goodbye.

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Y'know i'm crying as i'm reading this back and i know i have to post it. Thank you for reading, whoever you may be.

And sorry, i'm just wasted.

EDIT: Adding a message i just sent to a friend, seriously fucking sorry but i need to do this.

[null], [15.05.17 23:45]
I won't let myself die because of her, that's what she gave me.

[Vallium]

Since we're learning from past mistakes here, a big no-no was deciding to move in with her before you were financially stable and had your life together, you should at least be able to support yourself, lest things get messed up and the stress of living puts people on edge and causes a toxic environment. You cant just see someone for the sake of love, you build yourself up to get to that point, and then together you make a life. I've seen people make that mistake, a friend of mine moved to another state to live with a girl who became a toxic monster, and he became homeless, and Im glad I hadnt made that mistake in the past, looking back it couldve left me homeless and helpless.

 

In a bittersweet way, it seems you both moved on and that's a good ending. I suggest you stick to your guns and not talk to her, let time heal that and maybe someday you can talk to her like normal again.

 

Judging by what happened, she giving you that one last hug was a very nice thing of her. 

 

I hope you can find happinness in a lover someday again, buddy

[Endless/Nameless]

well this thread kicked me in the fucking balls.
time to stomp old bones back into the dirt and replace my veneer of composure.

good luck dude.

[[null]]

Couldn't delete this post so...

Um...those who've responded, thank you. I do appreciate it.

I just want to forget about this for the moment. Sorry for deleting my quoted responses but...just fuck this thread, let it die.

[[null]]

You know what, fuck it. I'm gonna end this thread with something i think is positive. The last message i've sent her and maybe ever will. I've already shared too much so who gives a shit, this is for me.

[null], [17.05.17 10:59]
This is my final message to you until you decide to talk again. It's important, i'm going to explain my anger. After i left what were my words to you for a solid month and a half? "it's so much better here, i needed to get out of that room, i love you and i want to fix things with us" And your response? messages with ~ at the end that you told me were a sign of boredom, something i'd never seen before. You just dismissed me and started treating me like nothing. It got to the point where you were just calling me a bitch out of the blue when i was talking about caring about you. You ground me down progressively and constantly since i left when all i was trying to do was keep our relationship intact. Then i found out you'd found someone a month after i left. A month [...]. We wanted to marry each other and you just gave up and found someone else after a month? Then you proceeded to belittle me for loving you. You stripped any sense of dignity i had, any feelings of strength or value. So i snapped. I was being treated like dirt and thrown away for caring about you, exactly the same thing happened with [...], and at some point i just decided not to take it anymore. I couldn't be nothing again, i couldn't see myself as that. So i fought back, did everything i could to get some sense of power and dignity for myself back from you. I needed to make myself strong again, that's why i started doing the things i did. I couldn't live just being a bug in your eyes and let myself be crushed by you. I fought back for myself. I fought for myself in [...] too, i couldn't live like that. You know how bad it was for me there and i know part of the reason you told me to leave was for my own sake as well as yours. *sighs* You were my queen, and in your eyes i was shit. That's what broke me and made me so angry. I'm sorry for what my anger has led to...but honestly, you need to realize what you've done to me and apologize for it too. I'm not some other, i was your partner. The man that held you and loved you for [...] and beyond. I did this because it wasn't all about you and what you wanted, i needed something too, respect. I wanted to sit down and talk things through, to fix us in some way. But you just wouldn't let me, and decided to crush me instead. You were the most adorable person i've ever met, and you know what? Under different circumstances we could've had the exact same lives we have now, but in each other's arms in our own place. We could've built a loving home and i would personally have had a lot more job opportunities and prospects. You were worth fighting for [...], but in the end i just had to fight you for my own wellbeing. I had nothing but love and was treated like dirt for it...i don't know why but i still have that love now. Guess that's how deep it was for me. For myself, i'm sending this. If you're actually the woman i loved you'll understand what i'm saying. Don't get angry or dismissive, just try to understand where i've been coming from for the last 3 months. That's that, i'm not saying anything from this point until you come to me. That's a promise.

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I do appreciate the previous responses but i have to ask whoever's reading to not bother replying to this. Just let this thread die.