Alexxx-Returns Posted November 18, 2015 Share Posted November 18, 2015 I just really fucking hate myself. Everything about myself. My personality is like, -100/10, somewhere out there, there's some lucky fucker who got my share of personality (and then some) and has like 10X the charisma and greatness of a normal person and everyone loves them. Or 10 people all got a small share of what should've been my personality and are extra charismatic and everyone loves them.I just sit here like the sack of shit that I am and everyone else is laughing and socialising around me. I could go join them but why would I dare do that to them? What have they done to deserve having to spend time around me? I wouldn't subject my worst enemy to the horror that is spending any length of time around me. It's bad enough for my flatmates that they have to fucking LIVE with me. So for their sake I spend as much time as I can in my room and just stay out of their way.I'd love a personality transplant but that's sort of science fiction right now isn't it? So the only thing I can do is kill myself, but I can't even do THAT because, wait for it, I'm scared to die. How fucking stupid is that?! I really want to, I feel like these days I'm getting closer and closer to being brave enough but that day probably won't ever come. But how much I fucking hate everything that I am is just getting more of a prominent feeling as well. It used to come back to me a couple times every month or so but these days it's near constant and apart from killing myself there's nothing I can do to stop feeling this way.I don't even want to kill myself to be dead. I just want something really terrible to happen to me because I deserve it more than anything else that happens to me. I feel like I want some stranger or someone I know to kick the shit out of me because it's better than I deserve. I just can't stand it when good things happen to me, or if people say nice things to me, or if people DON'T treat me like shit, or if people try and stop me saying shit like this about myself. I ain't looking for people to say "stop being like this, you're a wonderful person, blah blah blah", I ain't looking for any of that shit. I'm just venting because it's all that I can do. Of course ways I can improve and be slightly less of a disgrace of a human being are always appreciated. I mean, I switched to contacts recently instead of reading glasses so I don't look like a female version of kid Harry Potter in public but what's the point in that when I'm still a moping sack of shit on the inside.Of course I wish I could be happy, I would love to go to those stupid mental health meetings and take something away from them and do what they suggest I do, but the dominant part of me knows I don't deserve to be happy. Not until the core essence of who I am changes, and that ain't happening any time soon apparently. I go to these bullshit meetings and it's like "What don't you like about myself?" "My personality, it needs to be completely different." "There's nothing wrong with your personality, it's your attitude that needs to change." (I bet you say that to everyone) "No, it's my personality". Rinse, repeat.Has anyone else felt like this before? I feel two different things that are conflicting and stopping me from going down any one path that will make me happy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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