Don't really know what to do about how I feel

[Alexxx-Returns]

I just really fucking hate myself. Everything about myself. My personality is like, -100/10, somewhere out there, there's some lucky fucker who got my share of personality (and then some) and has like 10X the charisma and greatness of a normal person and everyone loves them. Or 10 people all got a small share of what should've been my personality and are extra charismatic and everyone loves them.

I just sit here like the sack of shit that I am and everyone else is laughing and socialising around me. I could go join them but why would I dare do that to them? What have they done to deserve having to spend time around me? I wouldn't subject my worst enemy to the horror that is spending any length of time around me. It's bad enough for my flatmates that they have to fucking LIVE with me. So for their sake I spend as much time as I can in my room and just stay out of their way.

I'd love a personality transplant but that's sort of science fiction right now isn't it? So the only thing I can do is kill myself, but I can't even do THAT because, wait for it, I'm scared to die. How fucking stupid is that?! I really want to, I feel like these days I'm getting closer and closer to being brave enough but that day probably won't ever come. But how much I fucking hate everything that I am is just getting more of a prominent feeling as well. It used to come back to me a couple times every month or so but these days it's near constant and apart from killing myself there's nothing I can do to stop feeling this way.

I don't even want to kill myself to be dead. I just want something really terrible to happen to me because I deserve it more than anything else that happens to me. I feel like I want some stranger or someone I know to kick the shit out of me because it's better than I deserve. I just can't stand it when good things happen to me, or if people say nice things to me, or if people DON'T treat me like shit, or if people try and stop me saying shit like this about myself. I ain't looking for people to say "stop being like this, you're a wonderful person, blah blah blah", I ain't looking for any of that shit. I'm just venting because it's all that I can do. Of course ways I can improve and be slightly less of a disgrace of a human being are always appreciated. I mean, I switched to contacts recently instead of reading glasses so I don't look like a female version of kid Harry Potter in public but what's the point in that when I'm still a moping sack of shit on the inside.

Of course I wish I could be happy, I would love to go to those stupid mental health meetings and take something away from them and do what they suggest I do, but the dominant part of me knows I don't deserve to be happy. Not until the core essence of who I am changes, and that ain't happening any time soon apparently. I go to these bullshit meetings and it's like "What don't you like about myself?" "My personality, it needs to be completely different." "There's nothing wrong with your personality, it's your attitude that needs to change." (I bet you say that to everyone) "No, it's my personality". Rinse, repeat.

Has anyone else felt like this before? I feel two different things that are conflicting and stopping me from going down any one path that will make me happy.

[Mikazuki Marazhu]

Honestly... I can't empathize but I can sympathize

[grassfed]

I can pretty much empathize with almost everything you just said, just wish I wasn't so terrible at comforting people and not knowing the right words to say..

soo...

*many hugs*

[KyryK]

Y'know Alex the more i see you post the more i believe that we could have quite a bit in common. I'm an anti-social bastard at the best of times but if things are getting to you feel free to hit me up on Skype, i'm always invis but i'm almost always online. I've been through pretty similar experiences so at the very least i can understand what you're going through.

[Alexxx-Returns]

Y'know Alex the more i see you post the more i believe that we could have quite a bit in common. I'm an anti-social bastard at the best of times but if things are getting to you feel free to hit me up on Skype, i'm always invis but i'm almost always online. I've been through pretty similar experiences so at the very least i can understand what you're going through.

I ain't anti-social by any means. I love people. I love them so much, I sacrifice any chance of company with them, for their benefit. If I could, I'd spend like 80% of my waking day around people. When I'm at home I spend most of the time with my family because, I dunno why. I shouldn't because they deserve better too.

I feel like this might be why I love animals/pets so much. They don't have the capacity to understand that some people are worse than others and they go by how kind a person is. It doesn't matter that I have nothing to say as long as they get hugs and cuddles.

Edited November 18, 2015 by Alexxx-Returns

[Dr. Doggo]

We're not so different, you and I.

But have some faith in yourself. I like you, you're cool, you're interesting. You hold back too much if anything. You're obviously not much of a normie if you feel you have this problem. You feel you don't really relate well to others. The thing about "normal" people is that they're very quick to assume that the one who doesn't have much to say has no interest in being around. If you act like you don't exist, you don't exist to them. They're cold like that. Ree.

You have plenty to give others, even just a small-talk conversation and I'm confident you can do it well. I think I'm a complete loser because I just don't fit too well with the kind of people who go to nightclubs or whatever. But people outside my age group love me, and so do people in my age group who aren't so ordinary. You're mentally preoccupied with trying to fit yourself into a nearby demographic, because you feel like you have to. Trust me, there's tons of opportunities for you that you don't know you have. For instance, you're probably insecure about how well you do with people here. Frankly, a solid number of people don't know you at all. But who hates you or dislikes you, really? Can't think of anyone. And how often do you open yourself up and put yourself out to be known by those people? I can see the people who do positively like you, or are at least friendly with you.

Love yourself a little.

[KyryK]

I ain't anti-social by any means. I love people. I love them so much, I sacrifice any chance of company with them, for their benefit. If I could, I'd spend like 80% of my waking day around people. When I'm at home I spend most of the time with my family because, I dunno why. I shouldn't because they deserve better too.

I feel like this might be why I love animals/pets so much. They don't have the capacity to understand that some people are worse than others and they go by how kind a person is. It doesn't matter that I have nothing to say as long as they get hugs and cuddles.

Honestly i can be the same. If i don't spend a good amount of time around people i actually like i start to lose my mind and just being social can really lift me up, but being around people for too long can be incredibly tiring for me and half the time i don't really have anything to say to them so i just stay quiet. All to often it's an infuriatingly unfulfilling balance. Aaaaaand i'm the same when it comes to animals, especially cats. They're just relaxing little balls of fluff if you treat them properly.

[Brass]

That was a lot to unpack alex

[Spot]

Welcome to adulthood, baby! Now watch as it strips away any carefree childlike qualities you once had whilst the energy vampires surround you and bleed you dry. 

[MalletFace]

I just really fucking hate myself...

I just sit here like the sack of shit that I am...

why would I dare do that to them...

the only thing I can do is kill myself...

I just want something really terrible to happen to me because I deserve it...

I'm still a moping sack of shit on the inside...

Of course I wish I could be happy...

I feel two different things that are conflicting and stopping me from going down any one path that will make me happy.

It really hurts me that that person is also this person

I ain't anti-social by any means. I love people. I love them so much, I sacrifice any chance of company with them, for their benefit. If I could, I'd spend like 80% of my waking day around people. When I'm at home I spend most of the time with my family because, I dunno why.

I have no idea how to help you, but I wish you well.
 

Edited November 18, 2015 by MalletFace

[Sourdough]

You can change. It'll take time and work, but you can do it. You're at the stage where you think you've identified the problem and it fucking sucks, but it's supposed to. Keep trying to figure out what that problem is and you can start dealing with it.

Some people here who can relate offered to talk with you, take them up on it sometime. People who understand are hard to come by.

[Phausk]

What is wrong with your personality?

I feel ignored a lot, so I figure people are put off by me for some reason, like I'm annoying or something. Is that similar to your case, just a lot more extreme?

[Alexxx-Returns]

What is wrong with your personality?

I feel ignored a lot, so I figure people are put off by me for some reason, like I'm annoying or something. Is that similar to your case, just a lot more extreme?

Yes, because I have no charisma and no impact, and nothing to say, and a miserable tone of voice and I'm so introverted it takes me a while to think of what to say so I'm always falling over my words and having to take quick pauses in my speech to think about what I'm gonna say next.

[Vallium]

Yes, because I have no charisma and no impact, and nothing to say, and a miserable tone of voice and I'm so introverted it takes me a while to think of what to say so I'm always falling over my words and having to take quick pauses in my speech to think about what I'm gonna say next.

So do I...

 

And tbh you hav some impact here at least, youhave passion and enthusiasm for the things you love (hobby/interest-wise), thats what I can see at least.

 

 

 

i know you already explicitly stated people are going to say "nu stop ur great" but I mean, maybe its just somewhat true? I think you tearing yourself down is a bit self-centric and comes from whatever issues you hadto deal with in past.

First thing you have to do is love yourself and try not to beat yourself down so much...I dont know, it just isnt good for you, man. Wish you the best, dont hurt yerself

[KyryK]

Yes, because I have no charisma and no impact, and nothing to say, and a miserable tone of voice and I'm so introverted it takes me a while to think of what to say so I'm always falling over my words and having to take quick pauses in my speech to think about what I'm gonna say next.

Seriously you're starting to sound like a female version of me, apparently my voice is actually not terrible but i see myself in exactly the same way. I have no idea why some people actually like me but for some reason they do. I'm sure there's something inspiring in there somewhere...ah! Trust me, if people can like my terribly broken personality they can definitely like yours, it can be tough to find them but there will always be people out there that will appreciate what you are.

[Sourdough]

What is wrong with your personality?

I feel ignored a lot, so I figure people are put off by me for some reason, like I'm annoying or something. Is that similar to your case, just a lot more extreme?

You seem alright to me. I wonder why you don't post more often.

 

Yes, because I have no charisma and no impact, and nothing to say, and a miserable tone of voice and I'm so introverted it takes me a while to think of what to say so I'm always falling over my words and having to take quick pauses in my speech to think about what I'm gonna say next.

This isn't like in real life you know, here you have a great deal of control over how you present yourself and plenty of time to write posts.

[Vallium]

Does this mean I can say mean things on purpose because you explicitly stated in the OP youre a masochist that expects it?

Youre a dirty furry butthead and you suck lollipops, nig!

[grassfed]

Seriously you're starting to sound like a female version of me

Literally took the words from my mouth

[Lisek]

You know none of that bullshit is true, right? It is all your mind, lying to you, over and over, day after day. It's your worst enemy, trying to bring you down no matter what you do, or what you try. You can't fight it alone, you need help. This is the same as any other health problem, in that it will only get worse if you don't treat it.

 

[Bloodshot_Eyes]

I ain't anti-social by any means. I love people. I love them so much, I sacrifice any chance of company with them, for their benefit. If I could, I'd spend like 80% of my waking day around people. When I'm at home I spend most of the time with my family because, I dunno why. I shouldn't because they deserve better too.

I feel like this might be why I love animals/pets so much. They don't have the capacity to understand that some people are worse than others and they go by how kind a person is. It doesn't matter that I have nothing to say as long as they get hugs and cuddles.

Maybe you should be more selfish. 

You spend all this time on other people, and because they don't get you, you feel you aren't enough for them. 

Alexxx deserves your time more than anyone else. 

“If cabin pressure should change, panels above your seat will open revealing oxygen masks; reach up and pull a mask towards you. Place it over your nose and mouth, and secure with the elastic band, that can be adjusted to ensure a snug fit. The plastic bag will not fully inflate, although oxygen is flowing. Secure your own mask first before helping others.”

[Vaer]

"Nothing kills a man faster than his own head."

Maybe you should be more selfish. 

You spend all this time on other people, and because they don't get you, you feel you aren't enough for them. 

Alexxx deserves your time more than anyone else. 

Secure your own mask first before helping others.”

This.

The more you put others first the more you'll believe, and show to others, you always come second.

Some of the time it's OK to be selfish.

Some of the time it's not OK to be selfless.

[Alexxx-Returns]

"Nothing kills a man faster than his own head."

This.

The more you put others first the more you'll believe, and show to others, you always come second.

Some of the time it's OK to be selfish.

Some of the time it's not OK to be selfless.

Maybe you should be more selfish. 

You spend all this time on other people, and because they don't get you, you feel you aren't enough for them. 

Alexxx deserves your time more than anyone else. 

“If cabin pressure should change, panels above your seat will open revealing oxygen masks; reach up and pull a mask towards you. Place it over your nose and mouth, and secure with the elastic band, that can be adjusted to ensure a snug fit. The plastic bag will not fully inflate, although oxygen is flowing. Secure your own mask first before helping others.”

But I'm about the most selfish person who ever lived

[Bloodshot_Eyes]

But I'm about the most selfish person who ever lived

What if I told you that there is no such thing as a selfless act?

Why would a person want to do good unless they wanted to feel good about themselves? or maintain feeling good about themselves?

A honeybee doesn't understand that it's pollinating flowers when it's doing its own thing. But the flowers appreciate it. There's no "service" to one or the other, it's mutual. 

If a honeybee decided it didn't deserve honey for some reason or an other, then the flower that would've been pollinated by it won't and they both miss out. 

Have you ever thought that by cheating your self worth, you're cheating anyone else out of seeing your worth?

[Vaer]

But I'm about the most selfish person who ever lived

You're contradicting yourself, my love.

You say you're selfish, but the motivation behind your acts prove otherwise. 

You believe yourself to be the worst ever (for some dog awful reason, I don't understand why) yet, to "protect" others you selflessly sacrifice your personal well-being and self-esteem for these others.

Alexxx...sometimes the mirror we look into is just the warped surface of our perceptions.

We're not here to agree that you're the worst, nor that you're the best ever, but we are here to let you know that you aren't at all how you describe yourself to be.

Your actions will always speak louder than your words.

[Luka]

What exactly have you done that makes you such a terrible human being?

[Kinare]

You sound pretty similar to me, especially in regards to the introvertness and tripping over words. I do that quite a bit, but over the years I have improved some. The only thing that has helped me there is practice in a controlled environment. I joined a gaming clan about 3 years ago now that required speaking via TeamSpeak to communicate, which is understandable because in many games it's extremely important to be able to communicate with your team quickly and efficiently. I almost didn't join because of that requirement. However, I was going through some rough shit at the time and I really needed some place to invest myself into for the long term just to keep my focus off of what had happened, so I pushed myself to do it. This meant pushing myself to talk to strangers regularly, even if hiding behind PTT and no faces involved. IRL where there's faces or any time I'm forced into something emotionally difficult I do still struggle, but where voice only is concerned I've gotten so much better. Recently a friend of mine from the clan and I have been talking on Skype, but without the safety of push-to-talk. I think I make some silly noises sometimes, so it's definitely a struggle to convince myself to not hide behind PTT.

As far as the other feels, I definitely feel you on all of them. I've been extremely lucky lately as I have two really awesome friends who don't seem to mind me, but I see myself saying and doing annoying shit and yeah... bad feels to say the least. Still, they offer up their time and actually start talks often enough and it just flows naturally and unforced, so that alone has helped a bit with the confidence thing.

I have no advice I can offer you because I'm struggling myself to find the same answers you seek. All I can say is I hope you manage to feel better. Possible advice though if you do have friends who allow you into their lives and seek you out, try to focus on the fact that if they didn't want to talk to you they simply wouldn't make an effort, because that's the cold hard truth of the matter. If you don't have those types of friends, well, I know what that's like too and I can't say how to get them, but I wish you the best of luck and if you'd like to talk at some point about w/e then you can hit me up. I don't tend to get along well with girls tho, just depends, so no promises. =p

[#00Buck]

People on this forum have the most horrible self esteem. 

Go do something fun. If you're going to be alive you might as well be alive and doing something you like. 

[Kinare]

Go do something fun. If you're going to be alive you might as well be alive and doing something you like. 

I can't speak for everyone, but in my case at least when the depression strikes it's hard to find anything fun, even activities I normally enjoy a lot. Not so simple as finding something fun to do when that happens, unfortunately.

[GemWolf]

I just really fucking hate myself. Everything about myself. My personality is like, -100/10, somewhere out there, there's some lucky fucker who got my share of personality (and then some) and has like 10X the charisma and greatness of a normal person and everyone loves them. Or 10 people all got a small share of what should've been my personality and are extra charismatic and everyone loves them.

I just sit here like the sack of shit that I am and everyone else is laughing and socialising around me. I could go join them but why would I dare do that to them? What have they done to deserve having to spend time around me? I wouldn't subject my worst enemy to the horror that is spending any length of time around me. It's bad enough for my flatmates that they have to fucking LIVE with me. So for their sake I spend as much time as I can in my room and just stay out of their way.

I'd love a personality transplant but that's sort of science fiction right now isn't it? So the only thing I can do is kill myself, but I can't even do THAT because, wait for it, I'm scared to die. How fucking stupid is that?! I really want to, I feel like these days I'm getting closer and closer to being brave enough but that day probably won't ever come. But how much I fucking hate everything that I am is just getting more of a prominent feeling as well. It used to come back to me a couple times every month or so but these days it's near constant and apart from killing myself there's nothing I can do to stop feeling this way.

I don't even want to kill myself to be dead. I just want something really terrible to happen to me because I deserve it more than anything else that happens to me. I feel like I want some stranger or someone I know to kick the shit out of me because it's better than I deserve. I just can't stand it when good things happen to me, or if people say nice things to me, or if people DON'T treat me like shit, or if people try and stop me saying shit like this about myself. I ain't looking for people to say "stop being like this, you're a wonderful person, blah blah blah", I ain't looking for any of that shit. I'm just venting because it's all that I can do. Of course ways I can improve and be slightly less of a disgrace of a human being are always appreciated. I mean, I switched to contacts recently instead of reading glasses so I don't look like a female version of kid Harry Potter in public but what's the point in that when I'm still a moping sack of shit on the inside.

Of course I wish I could be happy, I would love to go to those stupid mental health meetings and take something away from them and do what they suggest I do, but the dominant part of me knows I don't deserve to be happy. Not until the core essence of who I am changes, and that ain't happening any time soon apparently. I go to these bullshit meetings and it's like "What don't you like about myself?" "My personality, it needs to be completely different." "There's nothing wrong with your personality, it's your attitude that needs to change." (I bet you say that to everyone) "No, it's my personality". Rinse, repeat.

Has anyone else felt like this before? I feel two different things that are conflicting and stopping me from going down any one path that will make me happy.

I can empathize with you. It must be terrible to stuck in this kind of rut. I am not very good with words but, I can tell you that the only person standing your way is yourself. I am here for support if you ever need someone to talk to. Other than that, I have this I can give:

http://www.thehopeline.com/hate-yourself/

You never know, you may find the answers you are looking for, or even others in your situation. All the best hun xx 

What if I told you that there is no such thing as a selfless act?

Well that is the biggest load of shit I have ever heard in my life. For starters, a mother or father dying to save their children is a selfless act. 

[Phausk]

Yes, because I have no charisma and no impact, and nothing to say, and a miserable tone of voice and I'm so introverted it takes me a while to think of what to say so I'm always falling over my words and having to take quick pauses in my speech to think about what I'm gonna say next.

I don't think that makes your personality bad. I can relate in that my charisma is butts, and I'm always bad at speaking or conveying what I mean (which makes it harder to talk to therapists).

I'm certainly no professional, but I think maybe you're using your low self-esteem as a mechanism of protecting you from getting hurt against other people? Like, if somebody insults you, you simply agree because you have accepted that you are the worst person in the world?

I wish I knew how to convince you that your brain is lying to you, but I know how hard that is. A competent therapist may know how to help you. So I think you should keep that in mind before you ever decide to do anything drastic.

[Vaer]

People on this forum have the most horrible self esteem. 

I don't have low self-esteem; I have low esteem for everyone else. :v

[GemWolf]

I don't have low self-esteem; I have low esteem for everyone else. :v

you and me both buddy. 

[#00Buck]

I can't speak for everyone, but in my case at least when the depression strikes it's hard to find anything fun, even activities I normally enjoy a lot. Not so simple as finding something fun to do when that happens, unfortunately.

Ride a jet ski. 

You never see anyone weeping and crying on a jet ski. 

You know why?

Because they are pure awesome. 

So stop being a pussy and go ride a jet ski. 

I don't have low self-esteem; I have low esteem for everyone else. :v

That's the worst kind. 

Why do you cut yourself? 

[Wrecker]

you've got yourself all fucking wrong.

for one thing, thinking that you're not anybody worth hanging out with will fuck you. it will make you socially inept, it will eat up your thoughts, and you will feel like a piece of shit at the end of the day.

you are you. you are the person in control of you.

you know exactly how you want to be, and you know exactly who you are at your root. you will never change who you are, but it is entirely possible to handle yourself in an aspect that you would prefer. you just gotta get yourself out there. you have to make mistakes, you have to make a fool of yourself every now and then, and you absolutely have to recognize and accept when shit goes awry. it's not easy worrying about your own actions, but if you let them get to you, you will dig yourself into a huge hole, and you will have a fuck of a time getting out of it. the key point is, you are you. how you handle yourself is what is malleable, how you react and how you act upon things are what you're in control of. it's as simple as biting your tongue or driving yourself to speak out on things that matter to you.

you're you, and you are at liberty to express yourself by any means, those means are entirely your decision.

[Vaer]

That's the worst kind. 

Why do you cut yourself? 

because...

[Kinare]

Ride a jet ski. 

You never see anyone weeping and crying on a jet ski. 

You know why?

Because they are pure awesome. 

So stop being a pussy and go ride a jet ski.

Buy me a jet ski then. :L I don't know anyone with one, nor do I have money to buy/rent one (if renting is even possible).

Still, even if I had one, same issue would likely be there of needing the motivation to get out of bed and on the thing in the first place. It seems like a lot of fun tbh, but luxury items like that are just not going to happen.

[#00Buck]

Buy me a jet ski then. :L I don't know anyone with one, nor do I have money to buy/rent one (if renting is even possible).

Still, even if I had one, same issue would likely be there of needing the motivation to get out of bed and on the thing in the first place. It seems like a lot of fun tbh, but luxury items like that are just not going to happen.

That's because you don't make your dreams come true.

Don't be the dreamer dreaming the dream.

Be the dream weaver weaving the dream!

[Vallium]

Ride a jet ski. 

You never see anyone weeping and crying on a jet ski. 

lmao everytime you say that I'm going to keep posting this

[Vallium]

 

I just sit here like the sack of shit that I am and everyone else is laughing and socialising around me. I could go join them but why would I dare do that to them? What have they done to deserve having to spend time around me? I wouldn't subject my worst enemy to the horror that is spending any length of time around me. It's bad enough for my flatmates that they have to fucking LIVE with me. So for their sake I spend as much time as I can in my room and just stay out of their way.

 

 

But I'm about the most selfish person who ever lived

You're contradicting yourself, my love.

 

Have to agree with Vaer-Sempai, Alexx-sama, that is not the sentence of someone being selfish, keywords used is you don't want to subject them to yourself, as in you feel you're doing it for their own good. How about you go out there and hang out with them and have a good time, that sounds like a pretty good selfish thing you can do.

 

[FlynnCoyote]

You are hiding from the things you want. That is the opposite of what's going to help you out of this.

Don't worry about "protecting" your friends, if they are friends they'll understand. Anxieties like this don't just disappear, they're things you have to overcome yourself.

 

I could say more but I don't know you or the situation well enough.