Is it wrong of me to feel this way?

[Alexxx-Returns]

OK so this happened a couple of months ago now, but I keep thinking about it and it just bothers me.

So I had a friend come over to my place. I've known him for almost 2 years by this point and even though we're close enough, it's still me, I'm still useless and can't connect with people, so I never know what to say. There have been times that I've thought my friend was on the spectrum too (tone of voice, vested interest in specific topics, numerous social faux pas, that kind of thing), but another part of me wonders if he's just badly adjusted socially instead.

So I was quite terrified of him coming to my place because there is nothing to do here. At least nothing we could do together as a bonding activity. When I go over to his it's okay, he lives close enough to the arcade that we go there, and we play video games when we get back to his. But having people over to my place is nerve wracking because there's so much pressure on me to be a good host. My biggest worry was that he'd come over, we'd watch a movie, browse the internet aimlessly (or me desperately trying to think of things to look at) and sitting in awkward silence. So I spent a while thinking of things we could do together in the area, and I thought it might be nice to get out of the house and go to the nature reserve that's close by where I live. Just because it was a nice day and all, and neither of us get out much.

So he came over, and I suggested this idea to him, and he got this awkward look and said ".....I'm not really a nature kind of guy...". Well that's okay, I don't have a problem with him really not wanting to do it, and I wasn't going to force him to do something he really didn't want to do. I was just expecting he had a better suggestion instead. So I asked him what he'd like to do instead. I asked this a few times throughout the day because I was starting to really feel the anxiety and pressure of needing to be a good host and treat my guest well and not bore him to death. He just kept saying things like "ehh... I don't mind, whatever you want to do", "I'm easy, I'll do whatever", "I don't know.....", that kind of thing.

So we watched a movie, browsed the internet aimlessly, and sat in awkward silence for a couple of hours until we got onto his favourite topic of discussion.

I know it wasn't a great idea I had but I feel like if he was gonna shoot it down like that, he should have had a better suggestion because I felt like it was a worse day than if we'd done the remotely interesting thing I suggested instead of festering in my room with him awkwardly touching me trying to get sex. I know that's what he was hoping would happen when he came over, I know this because he asked if I wanted to do it. I said no, and the awkward touching continued, and I realised that it made me feel very uncomfortable. We used to date casually until I realised it wasn't gonna work because we were wrong for each other, and I wasn't attracted to him, but he keeps trying to get something out of me. One time after we went to a concert he just stood in front of me and stared at me for like a full minute with a sad look on his face until I gave in and let him kiss me once closed mouth. It made me extremely uncomfortable, and I'm not afraid to say that to his face if it happens again.

Is it wrong of me to feel bothered by this? I felt a lot of pressure to perform and the worst-case scenario was something I just couldn't think about, something I just couldn't let happen, and he shot me down about it and the worst-case scenario actually happened. It was a really awkward day, and to be honest, I could've been studying instead. I just feel like that could not have been an enjoyable day for anyone but he kind of... insisted on it a bit.

[DrDingo]

You have every right to be bothered

Halfway through reading I assumed that he said no because he wanted to crash and have a good time with a friend

But I don't think that's what made him come over. I think his pull factor was just a chance to get sexy.

I very much reckon he didn't suggest anything else because he wanted to stay indoors the whole time to maximise his chances with you

[Vae]

If you're not together, and you very clearly said "no" and weren't reciprocative of his advancements, that's very literally sexual harassment.
I'd break the dude's fingers in that instance.
No means fucking no.

I'd just avoid being around him like the plague, after this, in your position.
Maybe give him the reason, and drop him like a pile of bricks.

Being on the spectrum doesn't excuse shit like that.

[Alexxx-Returns]

5 minutes ago, DrDingo said:

You have every right to be bothered

Halfway through reading I assumed that he said no because he wanted to crash and have a good time with a friend

But I don't think that's what made him come over. I think his pull factor was just a chance to get sexy.

I very much reckon he didn't suggest anything else because he wanted to stay indoors the whole time to maximise his chances with you

I don't know, I really don't think he came over specifically for that reason, I think he thought "while I'm here I'll see what she says". But I just can't imagine that this was anyone's idea of crashing and having a good time with a friend because we did literally nothing until we went out to get pizza, and he suggested we go visit my best friend. He was really quiet while we were there. And I realised I had far more to say to my best friend's boyfriend than I did to him. We were watching "trash" TV and he probably thought we were degenerates for that. It was the Queen's birthday and he said he'd been avoiding TV so he didn't have to have it shoved in his face.

It's not the him asking for sex thing that bothers me, I can brush that off, but the other part. If that is indeed why he shot my idea down, then yes, I'm pissed off about that. The problem I have is that I was scared enough about being a host, and now it's been negatively reinforced even more.

[Red Lion]

I'd be bothered too.

Also yeah, if you make a suggestion and the other person shoots it down I would hope they'd have some input of their own. Also if he's gonna say "Whatever you want to do" then go ahead and do the thing you were wanting, he's handing you the reins, don't feel bad about taking over. Tell him you wanted to go out to the reserve and unless he has a better idea that's the plan for the day. He can either make a suggestion of his own or go with the flow. It's clear you really didn't want to just hang around the house being awkward and frankly what you want out of your day is as important as what he wants. Sure you should be a good host, but he also needs to be a good guest, it's a two way street. 

I know you addressed this, but if he knows for a fact you don't want to be sexual with him he needs to knock that shit right the fuck off. He has no business touching you. If he knows he's giving you unwanted advances there's no excuse for him to keep it up. Give him the hardest "no" you can and make it clear to him that if he keeps trying to push for sex it's going to kill your friendship, because believe me, if it isn't hurting you guys yet, it will. It sounds like it's already tainted your ability to be comfortable and have a relaxed and fun friendship with him and that is only going the get worse the longer he doesn't get the message. 

[DrDingo]

3 minutes ago, Alexxx-Returns said:

It's not the him asking for sex thing that bothers me, I can brush that off, but the other part. If that is indeed why he shot my idea down, then yes, I'm pissed off about that. The problem I have is that I was scared enough about being a host, and now it's been negatively reinforced even more.

If he's known you for that long, he probably knows what to expect if he comes to visit you. 

Being a guy, and knowing the nature of guys, I would bet that perhaps he was relying on nothing being on.

He's not judging you as a host because, I'd say, crashing in is what he was ultimately after.

If he intended to go out he'd lean towards conversation about what to do, or perhaps have an idea in his head if he knows the place well.

[#00Buck]

1 hour ago, Alexxx-Returns said:

Lots of words.

He wants to get laid that is his only motivation. He didn't want to go out in public with you because it would decrease his changes of getting laid. You didn't want to be in the house alone with him and you suggested a public place hoping he would behave himself. Kissing him at a concert out of pity is a terrible thing to do to yourself. You need to value yourself more. 

He shot down your suggestion because he only sees you for what he wants to get out of you. You were offended by this because you realized that he does not value you as a person. You had a good conversation with your best friend's boyfriend because he is a male who isn't sexually interested in you and cares more about you as a person than as an attractive young woman. 

It is not wrong for your to feel bothered by what happened. It is very natural and healthy and it is exactly how you should feel. You should cut him out of your life. You don't need people like him bringing you down. The only reason he is around is because you keep him around. Don't give him any reasons to see you. 

There is a saying "we choose the love we think we deserve." 

You need to believe you deserve better. 

What you need is a true gentleman or a total scoundrel with a heart of gold to show you how a woman really should be treated. 

Since neither of those things seems to be available go to your room and watch The Perks Of Being A Wallflower and listen to The Smiths until you're ready to come out and face the world with a more positive outlook. 

Edit - BTW Thanks for sharing. It does take a great deal of courage to share these kind of things. I'm proud of you for being able to do that but I look forward to being able to be proud of you for standing up for yourself and valuing yourself more. 

[Alexxx-Returns]

16 minutes ago, #00Buck said:

He wants to get laid that is his only motivation. He didn't want to go out in public with you because it would decrease his changes of getting laid. You didn't want to be in the house alone with him and you suggested a public place hoping he would behave himself. Kissing him at a concert out of pity is a terrible thing to do to yourself. You need to value yourself more. 

He shot down your suggestion because he only sees you for what he wants to get out of you. You were offended by this because you realized that he does not value you as a person. You had a good conversation with your best friend's boyfriend because he is a male who isn't sexually interested in you and cares more about you as a person than as an attractive young woman. 

It is not wrong for your to feel bothered by what happened. It is very natural and healthy and it is exactly how you should feel. You should cut him out of your life. You don't need people like him bringing you down. The only reason he is around is because you keep him around. Don't give him any reasons to see you. 

There is a saying "we choose the love we think we deserve." 

You need to believe you deserve better. 

What you need is a true gentleman or a total scoundrel with a heart of gold to show you how a woman really should be treated. 

Since neither of those things seems to be available go to your room and watch The Perks Of Being A Wallflower and listen to The Smiths until you're ready to come out and face the world with a more positive outlook. 

Edit - BTW Thanks for sharing. It does take a great deal of courage to share these kind of things. I'm proud of you for being able to do that but I look forward to being able to be proud of you for standing up for yourself and valuing yourself more. 

I really don't think he was or is in it for "one thing", I know he values me as a friend, and I know we can be platonic, he just has a funny way of showing it. Like I said, I think what happened has less to do with him wanting to max out his chances with me and more that he just didn't want to do what I suggested and thought being shut in my room was more fun.

I could be entirely wrong though. But I honestly don't think he's that cunning, I don't think he had a plan or anything like that.

I don't know if this makes much of a difference anyway, but we weren't alone at home (besides, my door is broken so if we did do anything people could see in, so it wouldn't happen even if I did want to continue things)

[#00Buck]

46 minutes ago, Alexxx-Returns said:

I really don't think he was or is in it for "one thing", I know he values me as a friend, and I know we can be platonic, he just has a funny way of showing it. Like I said, I think what happened has less to do with him wanting to max out his chances with me and more that he just didn't want to do what I suggested and thought being shut in my room was more fun.

I could be entirely wrong though. But I honestly don't think he's that cunning, I don't think he had a plan or anything like that.

I don't know if this makes much of a difference anyway, but we weren't alone at home (besides, my door is broken so if we did do anything people could see in, so it wouldn't happen even if I did want to continue things)

Any value that he places on your friendship would be gone the instant he had sex with you. He values the sex more than the friendship.  

It is true that young men are not cunning and they do not have plans. Young men have no wisdom or experience and don't think long term. So he isn't special. He's typical. 

It is also true that young men are horny, selfish, and self centred.

I know this because I was one.

I am now older and I am now cunning and good at making plans. Still horny too and would cash in friendship for sex at the drop of a hat. 

Broken doors, parents in the other room, nothing stopped me when I was his age.

Any kind of audience suspecting or unsuspecting would be irrelevant. 

Such is the power of the biological imperative. 

From what you've said about him he seems average at best and creepy and gross at worst.

You can do better than that in terms of lovers, friends, and acquaintances. So get rid of him. 

Surround yourself with people who treat you well. Treat yourself well too because you deserve it. 

I can't really compromise on what I'm telling you because you compromise too much with your thoughts as it is. 

So I'm stating the above as facts. Good luck. Get new friends. I know how awful people can be. I'm a terrible person myself. 

[Data]

honestly it seems you've been taken advantage of. you told him no and he pushed it still and kept going along with it. i don't even know you but i feel worried for you. and i get what your seeing in him with the friendship, especially with how long your friendship is. and i see that your not really mad about him doing what he did. but  if he shot down your idea just to, pardon my language. get some ass that's the reason. i can get that too. but i want to add my two cents worth. and i hope i do not offend. but i have to agree with buck. he >this guy< is typical. and he probably did shoot that idea down for that reason. unfortunately most of us don't have morals and just want a quick one up, there are genuine people out there but this guy doesn't sound like one. basically what i see here is "im going to my friends house, oh. shes >probably< alone, maybe...." and here comes the offer of sex, then "she said no..okay, maybe if i warm her up a bit she'll like the idea" ...honestly, if this guy values you, he would have stopped. its as simple as that. and you have every right to not want to be a host too. in a basic sense as soon as you said no and he kept going you were sexually assaulted. thats what >one of the< charges would be if brought up legally as well as molestation. honestly buck hit the nail on the head. im not saying id do this but im barely 18 and i can say yeah. this sounds like something a guy would do. its a shame your friend has done this but buck really is right. this guy really is bad news. again i hope i haven't hurt feelings but this really is definitely alarming to hear

edit: also i did read the "you werent home alone part" 

[root]

1 hour ago, #00Buck said:

What you need is a true gentleman

No not THAT kind of gentleman.

[Wax]

Yep, you're pretty much exactly right to be bothered by it, and everyone in this thread has already provided perfectly good reasons as to why.

[Toboe]

If he tries anyting like that again, give him a clear no. Not the "maybe... if you don't mind... could we not?", but the "No. Period. That was an order" voice. If he ignores that: Cut him out of your live. He is not a friend. He is scum.

If you really want to be forgiving, you can use the next time you are alone to sit him down and talk with him about it. If he isn't interested or ignores it: see above.

 

And that is not radical, it is just an outsiders view that does not have "well i owe him as a friend..." feelings or such.

[Red Lion]

1 hour ago, #00Buck said:

Any value that he places on your friendship would be gone the instant he had sex with you. He values the sex more than the friendship.  

 

I think this is pretty much all that needs to be said about the guy based on the OP. 

But I'm me so I'm gonna say more anyway :U 

On this guy: He's been told no. Definitively, no. He continues to make advances even KNOWING that isn't what you wants. He may actually care about you as a friend on some level but it's not enough to keep him from trying for sex with someone he is fully aware doesn't want it. He may not be the smartest guy out there but he should at least know well enough to know that sex will alter most relationships. It brings a new level of intimacy and that's not always good, especially if people are incompatible. Getting naked with other people takes a level trust and confidence and there are a lot of nuances and complexities that pop up when it comes to sex with people you're close to.This is coming from someone who has a pretty casual attitude towards sex and tends to go for open relationships. No matter how casual you think the sex is it usually involves two or more people and the other person's feelings matter just as much as yours do. This guy either doesn't know or care about that because he keeps making advances on someone who has made it plain they don't want it. Whether it's an issue of knowing or caring is irrelevant, either way this is a low quality human being. 

Maybe it's just me but if I get a hard "no" I quit then and there, no questions asked and I keep my damn hands to myself. I have strong friendships with people male and female who I love dearly and I don't do anything that I know would make them uncomfortable and they, in return, treat me with respect. Mutual respect, equality, trust and acknowledgement of personal space are never to much to ask and I 100% expect that from everyone looking to be my friend and I encourage others not to settle for any less for themselves. 

 

[Alexxx-Returns]

I didn't make this thread wanting it to be about what people are focusing on. I think a lot of context is lacking. We dated casually, we DID sleep together on a couple of occasions in the past, he does hope I would reconsider not wanting to go there again but I'm not very good at saying no, I'm every guys worst nightmare in that I can't bring myself to give a straight answer in case I hurt their feelings. He knows I'm not interested but I haven't said "stop being like this, I'm not interested" at any point. Just given signals of discomfort, or like I said, did the bare minimum that would keep him quiet. But this isn't what I was bothered about to be honest

[Xaende]

Feeling bothered by this sort of thing is normal. If you don't like spending so much time with him, then find other friends to hang out with. Or maybe find a quiet place to sit and draw. The two of you are on different wavelengths. It's possible to grow apart, yet remain on friendly terms with someone. Just find other things to occupy your time.

 

[#00Buck]

1 hour ago, Alexxx-Returns said:

I didn't make this thread wanting it to be about what people are focusing on. I think a lot of context is lacking. We dated casually, we DID sleep together on a couple of occasions in the past, he does hope I would reconsider not wanting to go there again but I'm not very good at saying no, I'm every guys worst nightmare in that I can't bring myself to give a straight answer in case I hurt their feelings. He knows I'm not interested but I haven't said "stop being like this, I'm not interested" at any point. Just given signals of discomfort, or like I said, did the bare minimum that would keep him quiet. But this isn't what I was bothered about to be honest

This changes nothing. 

Do the healthy thing and move on and find better people to spend your time with. 

[Toboe]

6 hours ago, Alexxx-Returns said:

I didn't make this thread wanting it to be about what people are focusing on. I think a lot of context is lacking. We dated casually, we DID sleep together on a couple of occasions in the past, he does hope I would reconsider not wanting to go there again but I'm not very good at saying no, I'm every guys worst nightmare in that I can't bring myself to give a straight answer in case I hurt their feelings. He knows I'm not interested but I haven't said "stop being like this, I'm not interested" at any point. Just given signals of discomfort, or like I said, did the bare minimum that would keep him quiet. But this isn't what I was bothered about to be honest

Well then: You fear you weren't a good host, "performance anxiety"

You think that not doing anything fancy you failed as a host.

You stress out that it had to be a bad day because you did not "perform" as a host.

Could it be, that the worst about that day was the "performance anxiety"?  That without it it would have been enjoyable? Even if it was just calm rather than fancy?  Just dicking around could a nice day.

So, not wrong to feel like that, but could have kinda been sabotaging yourself. Aka something for the list of things to overcome.

And honestly: You aren't doing yourself any favors with "signals" and "bare minimum that would keep him quiet".  "Bare minimum that keeps them quiet" is something for manipulation/keeping idiots in check, not a permanent thing for friends.