Rant: Reasons to Reject Someone Forever?

[Ieono]

I was having dinner with a co-worker who is especially loud and ornery, and someone asked if everyone had voted that day (it was election day). My loud co-worker ended up blurting out, "don't tell me who you voted for because I don't want to have to never speak with some of you again." He wasn't even joking, and everyone knew it. That made me kind of upset, because at the end of the day, we all had to work together. How could we work as a team when someone outright rejects and ignores someone because they hold a view contrary to their own? (although, speaking about politics to your co-workers is a bad idea in general, hah)

So sometimes, people say things that you really don't agree with. I tend to get a bit irked at certain views, but I wouldn't say that I wish to permanently reject and ignore someone because of an otherwise harmless opposing view. My co-worker told me that certain views can tell you all you need to know about a person. He says that when a person says that believe in certain things, they are absolutely disgusting people with little to no redeeming qualities. Yes, there are some views that are absolutely reprehensible for a person to hold, but should you really write that person off forever? I found it strange that that same co-worker who said those things was a very mean, sometimes vicious person that many people did their best to avoid; and yet he acted so much better than everyone around him...

 

[Hikaru Okami]

Opposing opinions shouldn't deter any relationship unless it's harmful or painfully ignorant. Your co-worker sounds like someone that doesn't like his views challenged. That's not someone I'm willing to associate with. I've met plenty of people with opposing views and we make it work, agree to disagree. People that aren't willing to do that aren't worth the time and effort, so reject them into the void.

[Guest]

At least from my experience, people tend to consider the negative things of a person more than their positive ones. I can't blame them as I do the same. If people have a different viewpoint than mine it's obviously going to be harder to get along, see eye-to-eye and shit. However, if despite that they show remarkable redeeming qualities, I am willing to look past our differences

[Spot]

Your co-worker sounds like the type that wouldn't get on with other ethnicities or those of a different religious belief either. Anyone that disregards you because of what you believe in is petty, and childish; people like that are not worth your time. Tell him to grow up.  

[Vallium]

People like that are the reason I have social trust issues

[Strongbob]

Your co-worker is a bigot.  There is no difference between discriminating against someone for their political views or religious views.  Does your workplace have any anti-discrimination language in it's workers code of conduct (most do)?  If so, then you have every right to tell your co-worker who you voted for without fear of reprisal.  We live in a democracy and have the right to express our political views in the appropriate settings.  I'm not suggesting you should antagonize this dick, but if he finds out who you voted for and starts discriminating against you in the workplace, then you have every right to complain to your management citing anti-discrimination policies.  Life is too short to put up with this kind of crap.

Edited March 20, 2016 by Strongbob

[SirRob]

Yes that person is right and normal, you should not associate with people who have different opinions than you

and when you run into people like that, the correct thing to do is throw a tantrum, that is how you earn the respect of your peers

[DrDingo]

Hate to break it to you OP, but that co-worker of yours isn't actually a co-worker at all.

Rassah's thread made it very clear that companies aren't allowed to employ children.

[Spot]

1 hour ago, DrDingo said:

Hate to break it to you OP, but that co-worker of yours isn't actually a co-worker at all.

Rassah's thread made it very clear that companies aren't allowed to employ children.

What about China?

[FlynnCoyote]

It sounds like he's the one nobody should talk to anymore.

[Endless/Nameless]

I know many people whose ideas/lifestyle I disagree with, but I'm still happy to associate with them because I value them for the person that they are. Your coworker is a dick and is missing out on meaningful connections with people.

[Ieono]

6 hours ago, Strongbob said:

Your co-worker is a bigot.  There is no difference between discriminating against someone for their political views or religious views.  Does your workplace have any anti-discrimination language in it's workers code of conduct (most do)?  If so, then you have every right to tell your co-worker who you voted for without fear of reprisal.  We live in a democracy and have the right to express our political views in the appropriate settings.  I'm not suggesting you should antagonize this dick, but if he finds out who you voted for and starts discriminating against you in the workplace, then you have every right to complain to your management citing anti-discrimination policies.  Life is too short to put up with this kind of crap.

Well, I work on a very very specialized project, and my team is the only one in the company that really knows the ins-and-outs of the system we are designing. I don't think that the company can afford to lose a member of the team at this point, since we are at a critical point in development. That is why it is so ridiculous that he'd be this way, knowing that we all HAVE to work together, and work more closely than ever. 

We all can deal with him, but its like he goes out of his way to distance himself from all of us sometimes. He really is like a little kid with an attitude problem, and he is about 50! Most of the guys talk about him behind his back when we are away from him, but that just makes the atmosphere in the office even worse. I am just glad that he doesn't come into the office often, and chooses to work from home when we don't have meetings with corporate. 

[Red Lion]

Opposing views are usually no reason to reject people. I've got friends who definitely have different political views and mostly we just kind of live and let live. Occasionally though I'll meet that one person who is all "Oh I want X candidate because then I'll get free college!". That's a very very simplified and even ignorant view of how the government works and tumblerina "I'm going to get what I'm entitled to" mentalities really aren't charming after the age of 14. By the time you're 20 you should learn that life is going to be series of compromises, disappointments and trails and errors. No candidate is magically going to wave a wand, reform the country and make your life easier just like that. It's extremely likely that no matter what candidate is picked very little change will actually take place in your everyday life for a long time and I think bringing on real change to the way things are is going to depend more on the people being loud and insistent about really wanting it than it is on who's in office.

But back to the topic at hand: even if I thought they were inexcusably naive I wouldn't let that affect my ability to work with them. Professionalism in the workplace is important and whether you like/agree with someone should never compromise your ability to do a job or cause you to mistreat your coworkers. There's no room to be petty when you know you have a job to do and your coworker should know better. 

[Strongbob]

43 minutes ago, Red Lion said:

But back to the topic at hand: even if I thought they were inexcusably naive I wouldn't let that affect my ability to work with them. Professionalism in the workplace is important and whether you like/agree with someone should never compromise your ability to do a job or cause you to mistreat your coworkers. There's no room to be petty when you know you have a job to do and your coworker should know better. 

 

What Red said is probably the best advice.  If it is critical that you keep working with this guy then the best thing to do is forget about it and do your job.  There is no rule that you need to like the people you work with and you can still treat him respectfully.  I'd only go the anti-discrimination route if working with him became impossible because of his attitude towards you.  

[Kinare]

Almost sounds like he's a closet Trump fanboy as defensive as he is - knowing people hate on Trump so vocally he feels the need to warn people ahead of time that he won't tolerate anyone disrespecting his God and those that do are heathens that deserve none of his time.

But in all seriousness, maybe after the current project is over with, let your HR peeps know (or whoever else might be the go-to for that kind of thing)? I doubt they'd fire him over one incident, unless multiple people came forward saying they didn't feel comfortable working with him anymore, but it's always good to let these kind of issues be known ahead of time.

[Troj]

A person's beliefs, values, and tastes can provide clues to their more general outlook and personality, but you still don't want to be too hasty in jumping to conclusions without testing your assumptions first. Why someone believes something and how they act on it often matters more than what they claim to believe.

That said, I'm certainly more leery of or cautious around people whose particular habits, beliefs, values, or qualities tend to be indicative of, ah, deeper problems.

Edited March 21, 2016 by Troj

[Flake]

There are perfectly valid reasons to cut someone out of your life. Being different isn't one of them.

[Gamedog]

17 minutes ago, Flake said:

There are perfectly valid reasons to cut someone out of your life. Being different isn't one of them.

What constitutes "different" and who get to decide if my reasons are valid or not?

[Endless/Nameless]

9 hours ago, Gamedog said:

What constitutes "different" and who get to decide if my reasons are valid or not?

[Flake]

On 3/21/2016 at 10:28 PM, Gamedog said:

What constitutes "different" and who get to decide if my reasons are valid or not?

Having different views, opinions, preferences, philosophies, etc. Even if it's something you feel strongly about, if you're both civil you can still get along. Maybe learn a little more about the world.

Dunno about the second part, that's subjective. You'd have to do something pretty extreme to get written off as a person.

[Gamedog]

4 hours ago, Flake said:

Having different views, opinions, preferences, philosophies, etc. Even if it's something you feel strongly about, if you're both civil you can still get along. Maybe learn a little more about the world.

Dunno about the second part, that's subjective. You'd have to do something pretty extreme to get written off as a person.

Am I allowed to cut someone out of my life for thinking homosexuality is wrong?

[Flake]

On 3/23/2016 at 2:06 PM, Gamedog said:

Am I allowed to cut someone out of my life for thinking homosexuality is wrong?

You have my blessing.

... Nah, I see that as a lose-lose outcome. You may not agree with them, but writing someone off means you both lose an opportunity. I'd only do that if they were extraordinarily unreasonable about it.

[Gamedog]

21 minutes ago, Flake said:

You have my blessing.

... Nah, I see that as a lose-lose outcome. You may not agree with them, but writing someone off means you both lose an opportunity. I'd only do that if they were extraordinarily unreasonable about it.

I don't feel that someone who is homophobic whatsoever would bring anything positive to my life

id lose an opportunity to hear some homophobic slurs though and that just sucks!!!!!!!!

[Flake]

32 minutes ago, Gamedog said:

id lose an opportunity to hear some homophobic slurs though and that just sucks!!!!!!!!

So the only quality that defines them as a person is their homophobia?

[Gamedog]

8 minutes ago, Flake said:

So the only quality that defines them as a person is their homophobia?

As a gay dude I'd say yeah, that's a pretty big qualifier for being my friend

"do you think of me as abnormal/an abomination/disgusting"

im under no obligation to give someone like that the time of day

[Flake]

2 minutes ago, Gamedog said:

im under no obligation to give someone like that the time of day

I don't have context, if they're unpleasant towards you because you're gay then absolutely I agree. On the other hand their values aren't set in stone and having people in their life who aren't homophobic may change their perspective. Maybe they were raised that way. Maybe they're just insecure.

It's a lot easier to just dismiss them as a human being, but in the long term I see that as the worst possible outcome.

[Gamedog]

4 minutes ago, Flake said:

I don't have context, if they're unpleasant towards you because you're gay then absolutely I agree. On the other hand their values aren't set in stone and having people in their life who aren't homophobic may change their perspective. Maybe they were raised that way. Maybe they're just insecure.

It's a lot easier to just dismiss them as a human being, but in the long term I see that as the worst possible outcome.

Why should I put up with being treated and viewed as less than? I'm sure they think I can change too

why are their feelings more important than mine, when they're the one with harmful and dehumanizing opinions?

[Flake]

4 minutes ago, Gamedog said:

Why should I put up with being treated and viewed as less than? I'm sure they think I can change too

why are their feelings more important than mine, when they're the one with harmful and dehumanizing opinions?

For the third time, you shouldn't. If that happens drop them.

I'm playing the devil's advocate, but if they're an alright person (note the if) then maybe you should consider looking past their flaws. They're not going to change if they're stuck in an echo chamber.

[Gamedog]

27 minutes ago, Flake said:

For the third time, you shouldn't. If that happens drop them.

I'm playing the devil's advocate, but if they're an alright person (note the if) then maybe you should consider looking past their flaws. They're not going to change if they're stuck in an echo chamber.

I just think that nobody but yourself should judge whether or not someone should be dropped

there is no need for an outside opinion for whether or not a toxic person should be kicked out. If someone likes cats and I like dogs, whose to dictate if I decide to continue talking to them but myself? It doesn't matter how big or small an issue is, nobody deserves to be kept around if the other party loses interest

esp not bigoted homophobes, I don't give a rats ass if they can "change"

[Flake]

3 minutes ago, Gamedog said:

I just think that nobody but yourself should judge whether or not someone should be dropped

Well yeah

On 3/21/2016 at 10:28 PM, Gamedog said:

What constitutes "different" and who get to decide if my reasons are valid or not?

 

On 3/22/2016 at 9:34 AM, Flake said:

that's subjective

 

[Troj]

3 hours ago, Gamedog said:

As a gay dude I'd say yeah, that's a pretty big qualifier for being my friend

"do you think of me as abnormal/an abomination/disgusting"

im under no obligation to give someone like that the time of day

For me, I'd say it depends on the flavor of the homophobia.

Some homophobes are just vile bigots, some are closeted self-haters, and some are just ignorant.

I'm willing to maintain a friendly relationship with someone whose intentions are fundamentally good, and who is capable of being kind and polite to people.

Unless I absolutely have to interact with them for some inescapable reason or another, I'm not willing to maintain a relationship with a jerk, a bully, a dyed-in-the-wool bigot, or a stone-cold idiot.

I am friends with otherwise-nice people who nonetheless concern-troll about race, gender, and sexuality in ways that bother and sometimes, even anger me, and that definitely creates some tension (at least on my end). But, they generally have other redeeming qualities, and I figure that any discussions we might have might give them some food for thought.

Edited March 24, 2016 by Troj