Jerry Posted January 4, 2017 Share Posted January 4, 2017 It's the usual time of the year when we take resolutions (that often don't make it to the next week). But let's cover the much broader concept of self-improvement. What are the things you want to fix in your life this year? I'll lead the way. Heh... where to begin! I won't write another entire book describing my adventure of 2016. But the person I was just a year ago, on the same date, was radically different from who I am today while writing this. I was still comforting myself in an illusory mental immobilism, Throughout the years, and almost unconsciously, I denied myself a majority of the aspects of who I am as a person, and I'm not even blowing this out of proportion. With much brainstorming I concluded that it boils down to three things. Thing number one: In some people overcompensation kicks in and changes them for the worst. In my case it's been internalized, which is equally bad. I imposed myself countless barriers over time by fear of judgment, particularly before I hit 14-15-ish, when I obliviously acted as I was naturally, and only forcing things upon myself when necessary (getting laughed at, namely). Which brings me to thing number two. I certainly won't be remembered for my records in masculinity. While at the end of the day my gender identity is unquestionably masculine, I probably fall very close to pure androgyny, both physical and mental, with a major part of femininity within me that I fought for too long. You can change your actions, but suppressing what nature gave you is useless and tiring. For example, I look like a potato sack in most men's clothing, especially tops. It's a miracle if I properly fill an adult Small. Even then they are often too short. I feel I'd look better if my wardrobe was... androgynized? Is that a word? I'm not really comfortable with it, but chances are that adopting women's clothing cuts/fits would do me a favour visually. And I certainly wouldn't mind mixing it with cartoon designs and some colour, just like I used to do before my teenage years. The third thing and not the least is my orientation. It feels silly to know how oblivious to the situation I was, but it made so much sense when I finally woke up. Why I never felt attracted to girls, why the whole "game" sounded pointless. why that one night at the strip club I wondered what in the HELL I was doing there. At one point it all screamed asexual, but then in the first month of 2016, it became clear men were my thing, not women. It almost feels like a Pandora box now. The desire grows stronger every day, and there's no going back. Unsurprisingly it rejuvenated my libido tremendously. Again, not terribly comfortable of a situation, but I'd really like to be completely out, not just (semi-out) online, by the end of 2017. The idea of a relationship is also getting very tempting, although I still feel a bit shy expressing my interest... I also struggle with my career choice as a result of my inferiority complex, which led me to wrong choices, basically. Well, words flow particularly well tonight for some reason. But enough blah-blah, your turn! Anything you'd like to fix in your life this year? 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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