Making Friends with the Socially Anxious.

[Jtrekkie]

A little forward I know, but for all of the talk online about making friends with social anxiety, there not much on making friends who have social anxiety. It's almost like no one is really sure there. 

 

And that's a shame, became there are tons of awesome (and quirky) people out there who aren't the easiest to get to know.

The most obvious thing is to try to let the other person get comfortable around you, but to do that you need to already know them. Not to mention the whole idea is a bit patronizing. You could just keep stopping by to say "hello!", but what if they just want to be left alone now? If you like the person you don't want him to feel even more awkward.

It's not easy, but it's funny how contagious the awkwardness can get.

It's a little easier on the Internet, though efforts can feel disingenuous. Here simply  saying "hey, you're cool and I'd like to get to know you" can start it off, but you still have to find a way to keep things going. 

[SkyboundTerror]

It's definitely easier to talk to people on the internet, though I can't say HOW easy it is to talk to those with social anxiety since I'm one of those people in question. The best I can do is look at all the problems I had with my friends because of miscommunication, no thanks to the elephant in the room. Real life friends; I've known them since elementary school and I can't remember how things went down.Then there's my very close internet friends who took their time to get to know me, and I love them for that because they're the ones who first put up with my anxiety when I was at my worst in terms of social interaction.

I have gotten flak from them for being quiet and shelled up in the past. One of my best friends, when we were first getting to know each other, threatened to cut off the friendship if I didn't stop being so emotionally reserved and quiet. I never initiated conversations. Never. It was one of the more... extreme situations, and while he was bluffing, it hurt me on a personal level because, guess what, those with social anxiety can't help it and giving them a hard time for their inept sociability only makes them feel like shit when they already feel like shit for it. I had to hammer it into him that it wasn't an "excuse" for my silence, but a personal flaw.

And really, socially anxious people just need a little more friendly attention than others, ironically enough. No special treatment required. We're broken cats - curious yet afraid of those we don't know, yearn for attention and love those who give it constantly, like being alone, are stupidly aware of surroundings thanks to smaaaaall hints of paranoia - the only thing we lack is consistent independence, hahaha. Ha. Ha. Ugh.

[Dr. Doggo]

i dont think most people want to make friends with the socially anxious/awkward at all

if they did there wouldn't be many people like that

[Toshabi]

18 minutes ago, Sir Gibby said:

i dont think most people want to make friends with the socially anxious/awkward at all

if they did there wouldn't be many people like that

Tbh? They're excellent friends if you can train the socially awkward to nod their head and nerviously say "Yes mastah Tosh!".

[Dr. Doggo]

Just now, Toshabi said:

Tbh? They're excellent friends if you can train the socially awkward to nod their head and nerviously say "Yes mastah Tosh!".

y-yes master toshi

[Endless/Nameless]

Don't. We want to be left alone. :V

But in all seriousness, just don't crowd us.
You can't just corner us and make us talk, you have to go for the long haul and make you grow on us. 
It doesn't sound easy because it isn't.

[Therapy Sergal]

Internet is the best option. All my RL friends (all three of them) are the result of years and years of internet bonding.

[MalletFace]

A person with social anxiety will be hesitant - at the minimum - to initiate a direct conversation with another person. In real life or online, dropping in to say hello and start a personal conversation will usually fall on the person without anxiety. Myself and most people I know with social anxiety are perfectly happy to have a personal talk as long as somebody else starts it, isn't aggressive, and doesn't pick for being quiet.

Even on this forum, I tend not to post something unless it is in response to another user, and it took me over a year to feel like doing that. I've never created a thread, and I've never messaged a user unless it was in response to something else. It even took me a year before I would message some of my IRL friends on Steam/Skype without responding to something they said.

4 hours ago, Endless/Nameless said:

You can't just corner us and make us talk, you have to go for the long haul and make you grow on us.

"You're gonna sit here, and you're gonna talk to me."

No. No, I'm not. You're going to talk at me for a few minutes, get frustrated, and leave.

Telling me I am too quiet and must talk to you is exactly the opposite of what I need.

[#00Buck]

People with anxiety like me. They always want to talk to me. They give me those desperate looks of "please talk to me I'm lonely." 

It's like cats. They always like me. Because they know I'm allergic to them. So they try to jump on my lap as soon as they can. 

[Vallium]

Speaking as someone on the end of anxiety, the #1 rule is dont pity friend anyone. 

You make friends with someone you like, not someone who you feel bad for and looks lonely and depressed. 

I can tell you for a fact that not all loners are dying inside because they are lonely and depressed, if anything its the stress of the cultural need to assimilate and the lack of their ability to do so as is 'normal'. Most introverts are quite happy getting lost in a book or staring off lost in their own thoughts.

 

Approach someone with interest but dont force it in a way that youre clearly trying to be some hero in their life. Dont overdo it and keep it genuine.

 

PSA for all friendmakers out there. Happy friending with the most difficult friendnuts to crack :v

[Vallium]

Rule #2 DONT ASK WHY THEYRE SO QUIET OMG NO

 

[Jerry]

This is indeed something not often talked about.

 In my case something changed when bullying took worrisome proportions with the rise of social media. At some point I was being harassed by people I didn't even know whenever I walked out of my street. But it was clear that said people heard about me. Thankfully high school was coming to an end, so I think I avoided the worst. Needless to say it still did quite a bit of damage. It ruined the few friendships that were miraculously still standing.

I'm pretty sure my family noticed a change in my personality at that point. I became mistrustful of everybody. I've been in a shell for years but I think it's at this particular moment I locked the shell and threw the key out.

This is how I feel socially. But I think I'm slowly improving.

[#00Buck]

3 hours ago, Jerry said:

This is indeed something not often talked about.

 In my case something changed when bullying took worrisome proportions with the rise of social media. At some point I was being harassed by people I didn't even know whenever I walked out of my street. But it was clear that said people heard about me. Thankfully high school was coming to an end, so I think I avoided the worst. Needless to say it still did quite a bit of damage. It ruined the few friendships that were miraculously still standing.

I'm pretty sure my family noticed a change in my personality at that point. I became mistrustful of everybody. I've been in a shell for years but I think it's at this particular moment I locked the shell and threw the key out.

This is how I feel socially. But I think I'm slowly improving.

How is this possible?

I thought you were a low rep scum? 

[LadyRadarEars]

Protip: Aggressively attempting to conversate or intrude upon the bubble of safety an introvert creates around themselves tends to make them resent and hate you while also bringing up their stress levels.

Basically if you see one wearing headphones (like I usually do) and sitting in a corner, with deliberately large amounts of empty chairs between them and everything and everyone else, wait for them to take their headphones off, and then attempt to bring up a conversation with them while remaining outside of their safety bubble over something you think might interest them by noticing their listening habits, or what they talk about of their own volition. Small talk is cancerous to introverts, wastes energy they could spend on other things, and all forms of societal interaction drain energy. Doesn't mean we don't like it, just means we have to carefully ration out when, where, and with whom we interact so we don't get tired.

If, at one point, you realize that an introvert is letting you into their bubble, don't bring attention to it, just realize that they trust you implicitly.  You'll know they think of you as a good friend (if not best friend) if they're willing to sit beside you of their own volition and read in silence for an hour, or watch a movie with you.

[Zeke]

We Introverts also abhor small talk. 

[Jerry]

32 minutes ago, #00Buck said:

How is this possible?

I thought you were a low rep scum? 

Word-of-mouth. I live in a small town with the mentality of a 500-people village. An enormous circlejerk if you will.

That's how I became the scapegoat of a number of persons I don't even want to find out. But it took me years before I realized it, because I was such a naive kid. The kind of kid who thinks hypocrisy doesn't exist. The reality was quite different.

At this point, being a low-rep scum is definitely an improvement.

Hopefully I'll eventually be trustful enough toward the right people to maintain functional friendships.

[Fossa]

It's curious that furries tend in certain directions, or such has been my observation:

-Socially anxious

-Introverted

-a higher number of furs seems to be along the autism spectrum than the general population.

Myself, I tend towards being generally anxious, but am definitely an emotive, empathetic extrovert, who finds it very easy to talk to and listen to people. So it's been something of an alien feeling, as extroversion seems less common, overall. That said, I do tend to attract a lot of introverts and people along the autism spectrum, I think because I tend to be willing to just listen, while not constantly interjecting.

 

 

[SkyboundTerror]

I think people are mixing up introversion with social anxiety. They're not the same thing lol

[Fossa]

6 minutes ago, SkyboundTerror said:

I think people are mixing up introversion with social anxiety. They're not the same thing lol

Yep, definitely not the same thing. Sometimes they occur in tandem, sometimes not.

I'd like to see some research on the # of furs who identify as introverts as opposed to extroverts, and on social anxiety. I imagine the numbers gathered online would tend to be higher than ones gathered, at say, a meet or a con, but this might not be true.

[Vallium]

37 minutes ago, SkyboundTerror said:

I think people are mixing up introversion with social anxiety. They're not the same thing lol

It tends to go hand in hand sometimes. Social Anxiety typically goes with introversion, but introversion doesnt always go with social anxiety

[Osrik]

While I don't really suffer from social anxiety I am certainly an introvert, and I can say that I certainly am not one to engage in small talk or random conversations. I generally only will really want to talk if it is about a subject I am interested in while I am also in the mood to talk. It really bothers me when people approach me and interrupt whatever I am doing to simply make some random comments or try to engage in small talk, as I really am much more interested in whatever I was doing than having a conversation with little content or value. I will usually try to end such an interaction as quickly as possible or attempt to brush them off.

So, trying to force conversation or social interaction on an introvert is not the best way to go about making friends with them, but rather learning what they are interested in and approaching them when you are not interrupting something else they are already doing.

[Augmented Husky]

For me the line between an introvert and someone who is social anxiety to be very far from each other. Its like saying a thrill seeker is the same thing as a sky diver when in fact the former thing can be true regardless of the later.

Also I'd be grateful if someone could post possible tips for people who truly do feel social anxiety on a consistent basis. Who know's, maybe even the introverts here can learn something too including myself.

[LazerMaster5]

7 hours ago, Jerry said:

Word-of-mouth. I live in a small town with the mentality of a 500-people village. An enormous circlejerk if you will.

That's how I became the scapegoat of a number of persons I don't even want to find out. But it took me years before I realized it, because I was such a naive kid. The kind of kid who thinks hypocrisy doesn't exist. The reality was quite different.

At this point, being a low-rep scum is definitely an improvement.

Hopefully I'll eventually be trustful enough toward the right people to maintain functional friendships.

Don't worry, you can trust me. Are you able to Skype on weekdays during the day by any chance?

[Jerry]

30 minutes ago, LazerMaster5 said:

Don't worry, you can trust me. Are you able to Skype on weekdays during the day by any chance?

Sure, I can Skype during the day.

[LazerMaster5]

Just now, Jerry said:

Sure, I can Skype during the day.

[Troj]

Re: The Annoying Thing People Do, if singled out a loudmouth the same way, and said, "Oi, you're a loud one, ain't ya?" or "Do you ever stop talking?" everyone would think me incredibly rude for that, and I might get my ass kicked.

WolfNight is exactly right that you shouldn't just befriend a poor, lonely, broken bird only because you pity them. I've learned this lesson the hard way. In several cases, I learned that other people were avoiding the poor broken bird for a very legitimate reason--say, because they had the personality of the love child of Ben Stein and wet cardboard, or because they were fucking crazy.

You should befriend someone because you actually like them, or because you strongly suspect that you will like them once you get to know them.